Your guide to drinking on Purim

Some people say it’s a mitzvah to get drunk on Purim to the point you can’t tell good from bad. Others find drinking on Purim to be a terrible idea. I say, let the people eat cake! Or in this case, drink until your heart, liver, and stomach craps out.

This is going to be a heavy weekend of drinking, so my suggestion is to start slow. There is no need to rush into this. Trust me. I went on a 30+ day drinking binge once. The first week was terrible. But I lasted 40 or 50 days… I think…it all became a blur…I was drinking a lot then (and quitting is for losers). So play a drinking game where you take a shot every time they mention ‘Haman’. This includes in regular conversation, and the first half of the word ‘hamantaschen’. Maybe skip one or two, if you wanna survive the night. Trust me, you don’t want to be puking on your rabbi before the 20th time Haman is mentioned in the megillah reading -it looks bad. It also sidelines you from participating in the future Purim festivities.

Then again, have you heard the music they blast at these events? Terrible! And no one wants to spend real money can afford a good sound system so all the crappy songs sounds crappier. So maybe you should get plastered early. I mean look at this guy in the video below. Everyone else is just lounging around, looking bored. But this guy… he’s a man who wants to party.

You should also take precaution and not drive or do anything illegal. I feel like I have to tell you this because some people are bad at listening. If you can’t avoid dancing into a table, there’s a great chance you can’t avoid driving into a telephone pole.

Another piece of advice: Make sure you’re sober enough to know who you’re dancing with. Even if there is mixed dancing, you reallllly don’t know if you’re with a guy or a girl. It’s happened to me. I think it happened to a guy in this video too…

You might be saying “well he has a beard!” Trust me. It doesn’t matter.

And while we are discussing bad decisions, please don’t drunk dial an ex. Not even your ex-Rabbi. It’s a terrible idea. When you leave your car keys with someone, please leave your cellphone. You just don’t want to be THAT guy.

To end on a more positive note. Keep calm. Have fun. Drink water. And don’t be the center of attention. Because maybe at one point in the night, you’re going to be filmed wearing a cheesehead shtreimel (around the 2:30 mark). Nobody will be proud of the video evidence that will follow you around, and will be seen by every future employer, forever.

Please remember you probably have work or school on Monday, so don’t go too wild. Or go wild and send me the video. I don’t care, I’m a blogger not a cop.