I only use stock photos when I hate the Jews. Because I even hate photography, a Jewish artform.
Some people have gotten upset over a Business Insider trolling article about Jews and why people hate the Jews. If you know someone Jewish, they’ve asked that same question to you numerous times. To the point where you probably grew to slowly hate them and their self-absorbed but annoyingly charming neuroticism. Sometimes they may have asked you, ‘why does ____ hate me and wont date me?‘ Or ‘why are Jews so persecuted and nothing every good happens to us.‘ If you are lucky, and they are mighty and honorable Israel defenders, you will even hear them ask ‘why does everyone hate Israel, and by hating Israel, thereby hate all the Jews everywhere ever?‘
These are all valid questions. People do hate the Jews, and obsessing over it is the only way that us Jews can overcome it. (Some of you may realize that persecution is what has kept Judaism as an assimilated and hated religion, along with hating converts and massive guilt for having values that differ from your great great great grandparents’ shtetl.)
But let’s get to the real issue here. I’m a selfish young man who doesn’t give a shit what some Yale-graduate CEO of Business Insider has to say about me and my religion. CEOs are all assholes. I would know, since I have just this moment pretended to take the title of ‘CEO, co-founder, and editor‘ of HipsterJew. Your welcome, tax collectors.
SO WHY THE FUCK DO I HATE THE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING JEWS?!?!?
It’s not because I think they are all clannish and arrogant, and have negative, xenophobic opinions about non-Jews, especially when they fall in love with their Jewish children. (Ever played the game ‘which goyish friend would hide me during The Holocaust #2‘? No? Then you’re probably a decent person. And not me.)
It’s not because Mark Zuckerberg is an archetype of a cheap uber-wealthy American Jew who can’t leave a tip because he’s the Scrooge McDuck of the internet. Or because Jewish men have a weird love for Asian women.
I hate the Jews because I am one of them. And I hate myself. Mostly because I’m a pathetic manorexic internet troll who expects to be famous. And not internet or reality tv famous, which is fleeting. That’s for shiksas and goyim who get knocked up or sleep around with the right B-list celebrity. I mean Hollywood Jew famous. Spielberg famous.
I hate the Jews because I will technically always be one. Most people are free to choose who or what they pray to, or what group they identify with. Jews can’t do that (technically). I will be Jewish until I die, even if I shame my mother 1,000,000 times over, tattoo my face, and become a neo-nazi. And even then I’ll only go to hell for like 11 months, tops.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hate the Jews because I am stuck being one, and Jewish ‘hell’ isn’t scary enough to instill the modest amount of love that most religious threats are supposed to instill. Oh, I’m also angry because we, as Jews, don’t even own ‘anxiety’ and neuroticism and we never have. We’ve just tricked everyone into thinking we do. Just like we trick people into liking us and letting us control banks and the NBA finals and stuff.
Claire
05/30/2012
What I don’t understand is, why “I will be Jewish until I die, even if I shame my mother 1,000,000 times over, tattoo my face and become a neo-nazi”?
I know it’s not about religion only but technically if you convert to another religion are you still jewish? And couldn’t you say the same thing about someone who just chooses not to identify with Judaism anymore?
Alex - Resident Goy Writer
05/30/2012
I’ll totally shelter you during Holocaust 2, Chicky. Welp, that’s my good deed done for the day. Boy, that was easy.
Marta
05/30/2012
according to other Jews and non- Jews he’ll be always a Jew (even when he converts)
Kate
05/30/2012
Weird, my dad has been dating an Asian woman for 15 years. Claire: yes. If I understand correctly what Chicky is saying, it’s that the Jews are a people and a religion. You can change one, but not the other.
Chicky
05/30/2012
The problem is, Kate, that they are connected and you can’t truly distinguish one from the other. You may define yourself as only a Jew as a person or a religion, but people will see you as both. I blame the Rabbis. (Always blame the Rabbis.)
Jew
05/30/2012
This is unfortunate. Missed the mark on humor, kind of offensive.
Roberta
05/30/2012
Dear Chicky, I’m sorry that you hate yourself for being a Jew. Life sometimes sucks. doesn’t it? Find lots of positive things in your life to like yourself again. You don’t want to spend your hard earned money on psychiatrists, do you? Be proud that you are a JEW. And a Hipster Jew at that.
Love,
Your mother
Chicky
05/30/2012
MY MOM LOVES ME!!!!! Take THAT world.
Don’t worry, it’s all a joke. The only one who will need a psychiatrist is The Duckman when I’m successful and he’s lonely and poor.
keri22t
10/27/2012
your sick chicky. this is why i hate jews. and slapshot. while they pretend they can play a sport such as hockey. a sport for men.
http://bit.ly/RUEiIo
The Duckman
10/27/2012
Somehow I think this is the best comment we’ve had on the website
keri
10/27/2012
agreed :P
k weinstein
11/10/2012
jewish women ugly, big nose, whiney. jew man want submissive asian chicks unlike their mothers
ChristianMan9000
01/05/2013
If you’re sick of being a Jew, you could convert to Christianity. “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” – Galatians 3:28
Chicky
01/08/2013
Yeah, I don’t think I’m gonna trade one religion for an even crazier one.
Nestor "Batko" Makhno
03/04/2013
Ah, the shtetl neurosis is a Jewish-American thing. I am a Russian Jew, we are bad arses who hardly give a damn about anything. Here we either cower like some old wordld ghetto geeks or we swagger like six-foot tall roosters. I love being a Russian Jew, a kind of latter-day Leva Zadov; tough outdoors, sweet indoors. Yeah, and when it comes to vodka…..everyday is Purim for us.