Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16. Find a new buzzband this month. tell all your friends. Then learn it was a new single from Hot Hot Heat
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11. Ride the Slutwave. Get Crabs. Do not pass go. Pay your doctor $200 for some itching cream.
Pisces: March 11-April 18. Your entire family is going to die in an awful plane crash the same day your trust fund payment stops.
Aries: April 18-May 13. everything you listen to will now sound like lynyrd skynyrd
Taurus: May 13-June 21. Your iphone will now be charging you per ironic photo taken
Gemini: June 21-July 20. You will lose all hipster credibility when your lastfm shows that you’ve listened to Coldplay’s Yellow 452 times
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10. Knock a girl up / get pregnant. Realize you’re 22 and cant go on teen mom.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16. Hook up with the situation. Meet your future Aquarius lover at the doctors.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30. You will be forced to watch all 20 hours of Ken Burns Baseball for no apparent reason. There is nothing you can do about this.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23. This week you will start heavily listening to Garth Brooks thinking you’re actually listening to the Boss. No shower will ever make you feel clean again.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29. “George Lucas remasters Star Wars yet again, replacing the John Williams score with Yakety Sax”
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17. Your lucky numbers are 4389. If thats your PIN thanks for my new laptop
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20. Dude, she’s 16. Trust me.
Alex - Resident Goy Writer
01/17/2011
Well, I enjoyed it. Also, apparently I will knock a girl up / get pregnant.
Alex - Resident Goy Writer
01/17/2011
Also, your horoscopes are all off by 30 days each. Cancer is June 21-July 23.
The Duckman
01/17/2011
Youre not looking at the new Horoscopes
Alex - Resident Goy Writer
01/17/2011
I’ve just read it. But fuck that shit. I’m not being a Gemini. I’m a fucking Cancer. Everyone knows it. Who cares if the damn moon did something with the Earth’s gravitational pull? That’s astronomy. It has no place in astrology. And I refuse to accept a 13th Zodiac. That’s plain unlucky.
Frankly, this is my stand. Astronomers already took Pluto. I’m willing to concede that on a technicality. But there’s no way I’m going to let them take my pseudo-science personality forecasting sign from me. I will be sticking with my Tropical Zodiac, thank you very much. Therefore, I have averted my eyes upwards to the previous horoscope, which I find to be more accurate anyhow.
The Duckman
01/17/2011
It is true. The Babylonians said “Fuck this shit” and completely made up when the constellations pass and shit. There has never been any astronomy behind the horoscopes.