From the genius creators of the beer that tells you if its cold in case you’ve lost feeling in your fingers, and the truly blessed souls who made you a beer bottle with GROOVES IN IT! GROOVES!? Comes the newest invention that will change the beer industry for the next three months! It is the Miller Lite Punch Top Can. If you don’t know what this future “MacArthur Genius Award winner” is, let me explain the simple ingenuity to you…It is a beer can…that has a soft spot in it…kind of like a baby’s head…that lets you poke a hole in the top! (Like you would do to a baby’s head!)
Now, why would you want to poke a hole in the top of your beer? Well, so you can drink it quicker of course! Hole in the top means no air…less burping…intriguing right? Well, you know how you can REALLY make sure there’s no burping or air in your beer…PUT IT IN A CUP…but let’s say you’re in a place where there are no cups…or it’s one hundred years from now, and you’re in a new J.J. Abrams show and the world has run out of plastic…and paper…and styrofoam and the shape of a cylinder or sphere or half circle have vanished from the planet…well, then this punch top can becomes very convenient! But, there is only one problem (other than the obvious) with this punch top can. It’s GROSS. IT’S GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS! And not just a little gross, like a dead fly in your bathroom…but disgusting, filthy, foul, vomit-inducing GROSS like a dead cockroach inside your salad. Don’t believe me!?…OK…Ok…let’s go through the famous Miller Lite commercial and see what they “recommend” we use to open up the beer cans and you can decide for yourself.
You can find the commercial here or just use my textual description below you.
So, the commercial starts…we see a race car pull into a garage. The race car driver then takes a spark plug…a dirty, GASOLINE COVERED, ELECTRIFIED spark plug and shoves it into your liquid beer…yeah…that’s safe…and sanitary! With any luck, you’ll be crapping oil sludge for a week. I always wanted to find a use for my old Spark Plugs! They say you have to change your spark plug after 30,000 miles because of possible rust…mmmmm! I hope that possible rust gets into my beer!
WE NOW JUMP CUT TO A PARTY! Everyone is having a great time. Then, the DJ grabs a dirty, gross sound plug…you know the same sound plug you’ve seen hanging off of wires that have been dragged across dirt and mud and disgusting jizz and sweat covered club floors. Mmm use that to open up my beer! It’ll be like a “Girls Gone Wild Video” in my mouth! I can taste the debilitating STD now!
—nauseous yet? It gets better!
JUMP CUT TO A BAR! Where a guy uses a disgusting, filthy, probably-slimy-from-beer, dive bar pool cue to open up the beer! MMMMMM, How about some 5 year old, touched by thousands of people, sweat splattered blue chalk in your beer! That get you off!?
If you’re not dry heaving already, we jump to a pool party…lots of hot guys and girls…the guy pulls out an old, repulsive fucking SHARK TOOTH NECKLACE and opens up the beer with that. Yeah…Sure buddy, open up all my beers with the thing you’ve been wearing around your neck while we’ve been out here sunbathing and sweating for the last couple hours. The thing you haven’t genuinely cleaned in YEARS. Hopefully some dead skin particles have rubbed off on that thing too!
If you’re not over the toilet yet, we get a montage of grossness to finally put you over the edge.
We see a filthy wrench…who KNOWS what that has also been used for…it’s a fucking wrench! My guess is it was used to pry the spark plug off the race car that opened up your earlier beer! Then, we see a fishing lure! A FISHING LURE! You mean something that has been IN THE OCEAN and in a WILD FISH’S MOUTH is gonna be inside my beer!? BLEEEEEHHHHH!
Then, a domino piece…Sure grandpa, shove your domino piece in my beer!
AND THEN FINALLY, TO TOP IT ALL OFF…what looks to be either be a tweezer or a nail file! You mean, the thing I use to scrape off thousands of dead particles off my body can now be used to pop a hole in my beer and release thousands of dead skin cells/ tiny plucked hairs into my beer!? The thing I use for hygienic purposes can now be used to open beers? The thing I leave in my bathroom all day, that collects toilet water mist, and sits next to my dirty pubic-hair-riddled electric razor can open up my beer!? Fantastic! I can taste my crotch sweat now!
Most people I’ve talked to have told me they’d just use their key to pop open this new beer. Their key!? THEIR KEY!? THEIR GERM RIDDEN KEY!? The thing that’s been sitting in their SWEATY, MOIST, DISGUSTING pocket all day accumulating dust, and rubbing up against your jeans? The thing you shove into filthy, wet metallic holes several times a day!? They say that a key is as dirty as the BOTTOM OF YOUR FEET! Why not just open this thing with your big toe nail then?
(Takes Deep Breath)
THE MILLER LITE POP CAN IS GROSS! IT’S YUCKY, UNCOUTH, and UNSANITARY (thank you thesaurus). And here’s the thing…I like Miller Lite…for a crappy lite beer, it’s one of the better ones (in my opinion). I’d drink it way over Budweister…I even have family that works for Miller/Coors…In fact, I really believe it’s a nice try…it might even be fun at parties, but at the end of the day…we just have to accept…this punch can is VULGAR! Here’s a thought! If you want a nice SMOOTH pour go buy a glass bottle of Miller Lite…Ooo! Ooo! Maybe you can get the one with the nice grooves in it too! Vortex Bottle Baby! Or you know…just put it in a fucking cup!