If I had a dollar every time a girl asked me to fix her computer… Listen Listen Listen Listen Listen. There are a few reasons why a video hits over 500,000 views in a night and doesn’t contain Rebecca Black. You have to be funny, truthful, short, and to the point. Shit Girls say is right on the money.

Bunch of regular American college educated dudes throw down a rant on all Hipsters and everything Hipster culture. Best part is when the black guy tries to call back all the Blipsters into the broader ‘African American culture’, where he is obviously a member and/or the president of blacks.

Also, as far as I’m concerned, every Hipster secretly wants to be either Joseph Stalin, Tom Selleck, or the Pringles Guy. So that dude nailed it. That’s just a fucking fact. It’s the only reason ironic mustaches are still around. Not because the ladies go bananas over mustache rides. Which they do.

If I was more secure with myself I’d ignore what these dudes had to say. But fuck it, from now on my new God shall be GQ. I wont be able to afford the designer clothes they sell, so I’ll just shop at Banana Republic and J-Crew. Equally as expensive as American Apparel, but atleast I’ll “fit in”. I’ll change all my ironic unicorn rainbow tattoos into boring crosses and Irish four-leaf clovers. Then I can have friends and join fantasy football leagues and watch ESPN on a 24/hour loop.

Look. I’ve heard all the insults.

“Are those your sister’s jeans?”

“Do you shop at baby gap?”

“Did you pick up dudes in those pants?”

“Have you lost feeling in your legs before?”

So I get this video. It can be hard work putting skinny jeans on when you’re hungover or tired. But if you are falling over and making an ass out of yourself in front of your children, those skinny jeans are too tight. There are limits, people. And it’s not worth losing your street cred in front of a 6 year old.

Finally. Someone else in this desolate universe realized the Zooey is meant to be parodied. Sure, some readers claimed I only like her because she is hot to trot. That’s just an incomplete accusation. I also like her because she can’t act her way out of an episode of Sesame Street. Overrated success is always a turn on. (Some would claim she in under-rated. This attitude was made her over-rated. Thank you for doing this.)

(click to enlarge)

Now you can argue that these videos are animal abuse. I don’t know or care. I’ll leave it upto Animal Planet to decide that. But no one will argue that I deserve a fucking Congressional Medal of Honor for flagging these stupid videos as promoting terrorism. Every time you watch a cat video a terrorist gets a tumblr account. Your welcome, America.

“Do it Jesus! A. BRAND. NEW. HIP. BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!”

A few random thoughts for this video:

1) Synagogue would be SO much better if I had this guy as my Rabbi
2 Surgery? Surgery? Fuuuuuck that! Who needs medical attention when all your problems can be Bam!ed away!
3) It doesn’t hurt when you have Dr. Chef Emeril Christ on your side
4) Do you think he also talks to his wife that way? “I want a chicken sandwich. Do it honey! MAKE. ME. A. SANDWICH. NOW. BAM!BAM!BAM!BAM!!!!
5) Hey MTV, I know you hate god and America, but give this guy his own reality show. For realz.
6) “Yeah, usually I say bam! like 5 or 6 times when I’m healing old ladies, but I figured I’d see how long the crowd would buy it. So I did it like 24 times. Lol.”
7) I bet the Sham Wow! guy wished he had thought up this genius marketing idea

(Tip from Greg Y)

I figured before everyone’s mom saw this that I’d show it to the general crowd. And even if you’ve seen it before, it’s still stupid enough to watch a second time.

If he will do this gig, I’m pretty sure he’ll play at my house. I’ll throw in a 6-pack and a couple Hebrew Nationals. I think I saw him do backup for Poison once.

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For a long time, I just assumed, like I always do when some musician I’ve never heard of is popular, that he was on American Idol. I knew he was like a little kid, or something. That much you can figure out. Besides, just the name “Justin” conjures up the image of prepubescence. The Wikipedia link of for the name “Justin” turns up zero elder statesmen or captains of industry, except for the Roman emperors. But other than those guys, the name Justin hasn’t been able to grow facial hair for over a thousand years. In the back of my head, I was imagining a singing baby.

I was proven right when this appeared on the first page of a Google Image search for "singing baby." Also, Ludacris: You're a disgrace.

I would’ve been fine in my Bieber-less bubble, until this article on a new CBS sitcom starring William Shatner (a.k.a. Captain Kirk). In it, Ricky Van Veen, the guy who started CollegeHumor.com, says this:

“If you look at what’s successfully made the transition from online to mainstream — Aziz Ansari, Justin Bieber, the Lonely Island guys to ‘Saturday Night Live’ — it just comes down to talent, like it always has.”

So, now I’m thinking Bieber is a comedian, or related to comedy in some way, seeing as he’s reference in between the guy from Human Giant and the Lonely Island, by the guy who founded CollegeHumor. Plus, apparently he was the subject of FunnyOrDie.com’s April Fools’ Day joke.

A clown, perhaps? Also, I am so mad I had to make this image myself. You let me down, Internet. You let me down in a big way.

So, off to Wikipedia it was, the repository of all human knowledge. If Bieber’s at all important, he’ll have a Wikipedia page. If he’s not, he won’t. Simple as that. He did.

I didn’t read it in full, because the thing was about as long as my arm, although, to be fair, it’s not as long as R2-D2′s wikipedia page, so I guess, if popularity is judged by length of Wikipedia page Justin’s not quite as popular as a supporting character from Star Wars.

In my exciting Bieber-filled day, here’s what I managed to learn while trying to avoid learning anything:

YouTube star. Canadian. Not, as I thought from the last name, Jewish. He’s signed to Island Records, as in, the Island Records that signed Bob Marley. Also, he looks kinda like a dick.

It's not just the backward hat. It's also that he's doing that sideways-peace sign in pretty much every picture taken of him.

I never did listen to his music. You know how sometimes you look at a book’s cover and you say “there’s no way I would ever read a book written by someone whose book was published with this cover on it”? Well, that’s how I feel about Justin Bieber.

Then I saw this video…

You go to work. You sit in your cubicle. You wait for the clock to hit 5 only to come home to your iMac designed to resemble a cubicle. You sick, sadistic son of a bitch.