If you have a business idea, or live in Brooklyn, and need funding, this is probably not the website for you. Clearly the best ideas have been taken. But if you’re looking to LOL at HIPSTERS and how UNORIGINAL their originality is, then this is the perfect website. A Brooklyn Hipster Business Generator. Not gonna lie, I want a slap bracelet.
Archives For williamsburg
We have been keeping you up to date on the Hipster vs. Hasid bike war for three years now. We’ve taken you through the low moments and the super low moments. At the same time we’ve written over and over again, how the two groups learn from each other and help each other out in other ways. But riding bikes? Oh boy. There’s some problems there.
So you can see why a 52 year old Catholic mom, Miki Bone, from Dallas would be so interested in writing a play about the Hipster v. Hasid bike war called Division Avenue. Mix sexual tension, with funny looking hot people and you got yourself a story!
I will say, that this story is most likely 100% false in historical, social, and economical facts. It’ll most likely leave out a lot of parts of this story involving corruption, and the underlining dislike each group has for the other. That being said, maybe this is a good enough story to check out?? Bone did talk to the expert on bike wars, Baruch Herzfeld, whom probably steered her in the right direction. But without actually seeing the play, I can’t help but wonder…
June Havoc Theatre
312 W. 36th St
July 17 – August 3
Midtown International Theatre Festival
It’s really beautiful how the Hasids in Williamsburg can get together and use their voice and money to strengthen their community. It’s also extremely disturbing and pathetic. Get ready for tons more videos of hasids trying to run down citi bike cyclists traveling through this Bermuda square of cyclist hatred. I expect a Hasid running down cyclist flash game within the next year.
We all like to complain about hipsters. Other hipsters excel at complaining about hipsters. Although it’s the most ironic kind of hipster bitching (and therefore also the most hip and funniest), middle aged and old people complaining about hipsters is more genuine and heartfelt. These people nurture true hatred inside of them for the liberal arts slackers they see all around them. And if you’ve lived in a neighborhood for a good twenty years before the hipsters showed up? Well, that’s a unique kind of bile that probably causes ulcers.
So what do you do when you bitch and moan about hipsters for year with no results? Call the cops, of course. Hipsters squat, start unregulated businesses, tag and graffiti anything and everything, and party until six A.M. Monday morning (because Friday night is like, so overdone). Some of them don’t even fill out their census! All of these are something the cops can arrest for. Looks like you could lock up all of Williamsburg.
Though maybe you shouldn’t call the police 403 times. And maybe your 9-1-1 calls shouldn’t be phony. And maybe you should chill out, gramps.
- “911. What is your emergency?” “Help! These hipsters are busking in the middle of the street!”
This guy is nothing if not persistent. I can applaud this stubbornness as the mark of a true redblooded American, which is so old that it’s like, beyond kitsch and loops into something resembling the postmodern. Or maybe I’m too drunk at eleven A.M. to process how pissed this guy is at hipsters living in his neighborhood. It’s been happening for years now. Dude should have moved or at least built up a tolerance.
In Chicago, Wicker Park is crammed full of hipsters. Bucktown next door is crammed full of hipsters. They’ve started spilling over into Logan Square, traditionally a Mexican neighborhood. You know why no one does this in Logan Square? Hustle. Opportunity. The taquerias are now open 24/7. The liquor stores burn through pallets of PBR in a night. There’s a guy that has a hand cart selling Mexican candy on my street who stays there all day because once the kids go to bed, the hipsters come out and Snickers are passe.
What this guy needs is to decompress and sell something that hipsters are willing to buy in spades. They’re not going anywhere. He can’t call the cops anymore (not like it ever worked out for him, anyway). He should homebrew or sell fixie bikes or some shit.
Bonus points: check out this quote from the article, near the bottom.
“At least one of his younger neighbors, a 28-year-old who lives on Bedford and North 8th Street, feels sympathy for him: ‘I mean, he’s been there his whole life…and this shit just starts happening all around him,’ he told us. ‘I’ve always felt bad for the older residents of this area.’”
But not bad enough to move, apparently. Or to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Or to realize that your indie folk band sucks and that you should probably stop rehearsing, since you sound like a copy of a copy of a copy of a terrible Arcade Fire cover band. Fucking hipsters. Makes me sick.
Sometimes a company comes around that has a perfect marketing campaign. Most of the time this company fails miserably, because they throw around the word ‘Hipster’ like a drunk sorority girl throws around her anatomy. (It was a long day yesterday, this is the best I’ve got.) Hipster Dust is the latter.
Hipster Dust is just like Fairy Dust – but for Hipsters. Clearly.
“Hipster Dust is a vegan spice mixture that took flight in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. It is used in the kitchen to flavor vegetables, soups, noodles and everything else. Hipster Dust’s cult following has expanded far beyond its birthplace. Hipster Dust lovers have carried their enthusiasm for this invigorating seasoning from Brooklyn across the country, making fans of its distinct flavor along the way.”
AND they’re eco-aware.
If The Duckman wasn’t a spineless vegan (read: He no longer is), he’d really like this. And if I was a spineless vegetarian (read: vegetarian), then I’d buy some. Oh wait. I am a spineless vegetarian. Perrrfeccct.
Eat your heart out, you hippies. Or, instead, eat tasty spiced vegan friendly food. Either way make me like you more.*
*Mom, if you are reading, this is how I’ll like you more.
Two Williamsburg Brooklynites, Jules Laplace and Jack Kalish, decided to share what they see out their window. They installed a camera, built a website, and let the magic start. Unfortunately, the only thing I’ve taken from this website is that Williamsburg is boring (fashion-wise). It’s hoodie after hoodie after hoodie. Everyone is either texting or talking on their phone and it looks dumb. Once in awhile you get a guy in a nice suit and weird ass hair lugging around vinyl. But for the most part, Williamsburg has a lame sense of fashion. I think it’s time we start looking up to other neighborhoods. Better neighborhoods. Maybe a neighborhood where people dress like they have day jobs.
Just kidding, I’m buying my first pair of sweat pants so I can fit in and finally move to Williamsburg. See you suckers later.
Oh Rabbis. Always having way too many kids. Always marrying their kids with other Rabbis, so that their grandchildren will be possessed with super-Jewwey genetic powers. And then Hitler cries in his grave.
Last week, two greatest cult-like figures in the Satmar tradition married off their children. Great houses were wed together in the bond of holy matrimony, where the wife can be beaten regularly and wont be able to get a divorce. It was literally like the marriage between House Stark and House Lannister in Game of Thrones, except nothing like it.
I’m not sure I can be too judgmental on this recent Forbes article about the best hipster neighborhoods considering I’ve only been to five of them. And I’m pretty sure three of those neighborhoods wasn’t close to being over run by hipsters around the time I went. So I can’t vouch for 18 of these neighborhoods, but I can tell you that using yelp to figure out what constitutes as hipster is a semi terrible idea. But just the fact that I’ve only been to 3 places listed makes me more of a hipster, right? Anyways, let’s debate the list:
1. Silver Lake, Los Angeles, CA Never heard of it. Must be an awesome place
2. Mission district, San Francisco, CA Meh
3. Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York 3rd. All the way down to 3rd. Probably because Bedford Ave is a commercialized lie slowly being taken over by bros and trust fund babies.
4. Wicker Park, Chicago, IL Finally we get to areas I can agree with!
5. Pearl District, Portland, OR Fair
6. H Street Corridor, Washington DC Hm… I’ve been to DC but I’ve never tried out “H Street.” If it’s anything like J Street I’ll pass.
7. East Austin, Austin, TX Fair
8. Capitol Hill, Seattle, WA I’ve heard wonderful things!
9. The Uptown, Oakland, CA I’ve heard even better things!
10. Warehouse District, New Orleans, LA I was here before it was hipster
11. Downtown Portland, Portland, ME I’m sorry, but you’re wrong.
12. North Loop, Minneapolis, MN Lets just throw every U.S city in the list…why not…
13. North Park, San Diego, CA We get it. Left Coast is the Best Coast.
14. Northern Liberties, Philadelphia, PA Since I lived here, I won’t mention the time everyone went to a New Found Glory concert.
15. Hampden, Baltimore, MD So we’re done naming every FUN metro city?
16. Little Five Points, Atlanta, GA Hotlanta?
17. LoHi, Denver, CO FOr all you snow boarding hipsters?
18. Allston-Brighton, Boston, MA The Dive Bar capital of New England
19. Wynwood, Miami, FL I’ve been to Miami. There are no hipsters in Miami.
20. Lower Westheimer, Houston, Texas I’ve heard mediocre things.
Don’t know if you heard the news. Barcade is opening up a new NYC location in 2013. They started in Williamsburg in 2004 with a simple, yet elegant premise: Be the non-douchey Dave and Busters. The one without kids, bright blinking lights, and tickets that have as much value as Malaysian currency. This involved bringing craft beers, dimly lit industrial spaces, and 25 cent classic (can I say vintage or will I sound too pretentious?) arcade games. In essence, they created the Hipster wet dream.
Since 2004 Barcade has opened up locations in Philadelphia and Jersey City. They’re not done yet. Now they’re looking to move to the least Hipster Borough in NYC: Manhattan. No one knows where it will be, exactly. But I’ll bet my quarters that it will be expensive and filled to the brim with tourists looking for a ‘quaint NYC experience’.
This year it spreads to more of NYC, like a large squid monster with a thirst for major metropolitan areas. Next year will they be franchising and competing with Dave and Busters, Chuck E Cheese, and other reputable gaming locations? Or will they keep the brand safe and snug. Time will tell.
Oh Jew York. I love you. You never bring me down. But you are full of Jews.
Not the Seinfeld Jews. Oh no. Those golden years of Jewish New Yorkers being Jew-ish, or atleast not feeling paranoid to the point where they have to make their Jewishness exceptionally clear to everyone around them every second of every single day, may be coming to an end. Why? Because the Jewwiness of Jew York isn’t getting increased by pure sexual procreation or the influx of hipster Jews. Nay, this increase is due to the will and might of God, Hashem himself. The Hassidim are slowly taking over NYC, possibly controlling all 5 Boroughs by 2055, so BE PREPARED!
What does this mean for the average NYC Hipster and/or Jew? And how can you prepare? Here are a few helpful tips.
1) Don’t look women in the eyes.
Our Hassidic overlords do not appreciate women actively interacting outside of the home. They are on this earth to make lavish Shabbat dinners, to have sex with, and maybe to abuse (I said maybe, and it’s not my choice I have to do as the Hasidim do, so don’t get all defensive on me, sheesh). If you do happen to come across a female, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. They will take it that you want to mate with them, since female-male contact is severely limited. This will result in hefty fines and deportation to the Bronx. If you are a lady, just be prepared to get eye-fucked constantly by the Hassidic men whilst in NYC. Yeah, they’ll try to steal glances but it won’t work. You’re not stupid, you’re a 21st century woman.
2) Root for Republicans.
Hassidim generally vote Republican. Which is funny, because they’re all on welfare (well, enough of them). It turns out God doesn’t give you money and pay the bills just because you pray to him. (I think it was Jesus who once said, ‘God helps those who’…oh wait, I’m preaching to the wrong crowd.) So while NYC turns into a Republican city full of…um…really really rich people, really really poor people, and a robust police department which has the freedom to stop people and frisk them based on their skin color…damnit! IT’S TOO LATE!
3) Get all those weird Jewish holidays off from work.
Yes! Now when you go to NYU you won’t get Christmas break. Rather you will get Hanukah break, a weird tradition that exists solely in Israel. The date itself will change every year (until we get a Hasidic Rabbi into the White House), and you’ll get to visit your parents while all your other friends are studying for exams…so…have fun! Now just be prepared for Purim, where you can finally cross dress for one day a year without the Hasidic police getting angry at you. Isn’t repression exciting!
4) Baby-penis sucking (it’s okay to click this link) will now be legal, and required.
Just when you thought religious Jews would band together and overcome that whole ‘hiding pedophiles’ thing which has found it’s way into many Jewish circles (do we blame the internet for this or Jesus, my Hassidic overlords?!? Tell me! If I think for myself you’ll throw me in jail!), baby-penis sucking will be court mandated. And no, not just for circumcisions. Every day you will be required to find a baby. And if you don’t, well the Hassidic
baby-sucking police Rabbis will force you. Ew.
There you have it, New York City. Hipsters beware, or possibly just stay out of Hassidic parts of Brooklyn. Atleast by 2055. So sayeth Hashem. Amen.