What’s the deal with ultra orthodox jews and their bad sense of fashion. Black and white. Black and white. Two types of hats. All women wear the same wig. It’s a society of depression and conformism. So it breaks me to pieces to learn that the Williamsburg hipsters are not influencing the ulta orthodox jews in their neighborhood, but in fact, are being influenced.

NY Times came out with an article stating how local hipsters are taking to the black hat society of the world. Possibly forming their own break off black hat dive bars with separate seating. If they only knew how oppressive the black hat community is and what a black hat symbolizes. But damn, Brooklyn hipsters can be so fucking stupid.

I can’t wait for the Williamsburg hipsters to discover the streimel.

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Chuck Schumer (JewD-NY) was recently spotted at Williamsburg’s East River State Park jamming out to Deerhoof & Xiu Xiu playing Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures album. Most people would agree that this was just a ploy to gain more voters.

Chuck Schumer forgot to do his research. It’s heavily known that hipsters h8 voting. They h8 the government. They h8 freedom. And h8 filling out the census. There was no way he was going to get these people so register to vote. Telling the government you exists will only get them to send you jury duty notices. DUH.

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I love Judith Sheindlin. I was weaned on Judge Judy from an early age. She is and forever will be my moral compass. And this video just shows how amazing she really is. A 3K Gold custom Brooklyn-made Fixie? They don’t do that bullshit in Hollywood.

One may ask how two lowly messenger boys got the money for such expensive bikes. I’m just wondering why their parents still give them money to waste on such frivolous things. The bike goes faster because you paid more for it? Right. And probably the more obscure music you listen to, the cooler you are. THATS how it works.

Maybe you should have taken a business class instead of getting an English degree. Which I’m sure is utilized everyday delivering documents and chicken noodle soup to wealthy businessmen.

Courtrooms need more bailiffs like Petri Hawkins-Byrd. Because Judge Judy has 70-years old Supreme Court status. The girl’s gotta spend money on those stylish robes. She doesn’t have time to look up information on bikes. Or make sassy jokes in the process. Petri + Judy = dynamic courtroom duo.

Lastly, everyone knows the rule. When your roommate burns a hole in your mattress the size of a small child, you don’t leave valuable objects around the house. Judy should have penalized the dumbass for not knowing the “angry-roommate-so-don’t-leave-$3500-bike-around” rule.

If only she gave us her signature phrase “don’t pee on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting”.

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NPR, internationally known for their monotone-filled diatribes, has finally discovered something news worthy. In case you live in a cave (or Williamsburg), you may not have heard of this thing called the United States Census. It takes all of two minutes to fill out. And it lets the government know how many illegals are living in your apartment will give your neighborhood lots of socialist government money.

It’s a pretty good deal. In fact, I filled mine out. Me and my roommate cracked open a bottle of cabernet savignon, lit some candles, and got this form completed. It was one helluva Monday night.

About 66% of Americans have so far filled in their forms. But in New York City, the number is only about 50%. The men at NPR found this to be pedantically mind-blowing. “Only 50% of New Yorkers filled it out? Oh noes!?!?”  Now of course Jew York is full of illegal immigrants. So this number is actually pretty high, since they rightfully are skeptic of the government.

However, the piece goes on to mention that in Hipsterland, aka Williamsburg, only 30% have filled out their census forms. For shame Hipsters, for shame. I know that the government was never ‘cool’, that conforming to the ‘man’ is what jocks and Wall Street bankers do. But conform just once in your life. So says the TV commercials.

But not only do hipsters live in Williamsburg – we cannot forget the other side of this coin, the Hassidic Jews. They too have not been filling out their forms. It doesn’t help that they don’t watch tv, and literally live under a cultural rock. We should probably just be grateful they remember they live in America, not 1890s shtetl Poland.

One of the three Jewish Hipsters happens to be currently residing in Williamsburg. He refused to respond to my constant questioning about his own census.

If you happen to suffer from insomnia, you can listen to it here.

NPR Hipster Census Form by hipsterjew

For now on, I will refer to Williamsburg as ‘the home of eendie bands and ironic mustaches, wacky bikes and skinny jeans‘. Thank you for that little nugget, NPR.

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UPDATE: Also try this.

Even before Homer Simpson laughed at Man Getting Hit by Football and America’s Funniest Home Videos, mankind has had a love affair when people eat shit. It’s why skateboarding videos are entertaining, and why Shark Week does so well on Discovery Channel.

I thank God every day that video cameras exist, if not solely for my entertainment value. The Pixies and Beck music definitely adds a nice finishing touch. Give this man his 10,000 dollars.

Thanks to gothamist.com for finding this youtube golden nugget.

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