Just kidding! We all know why young people hate Yom Kippur. It’s boring. Not eating food sucks. Going to synagogue for 12 hours is terrible and should be considered torture.
Now, you could make the argument that young people just have diverse backgrounds and religious affiliations. This could explain why young people are voting all over the fucking the place. Is one Jewish holiday more important than another? Only if you believe in Rabbis. In case you are unsure, here’s a handy list to help you decide which holiday is most important to you.
You hate yourself. So much, you masochist. If you didn’t have an annoying relative or partner to keep you going, you’d probably develop a heroin problem. You’re anorexic, or manorexic, and you don’t eat anyway. And, you wanna lose some weight in the most unhealthy way possible. Or I guess you’re old and believe that fasting will save you from God’s wrath and/or mercy and/or Jesus.
You are the reason there is a war on Xmas. Hell, you don’t even call it ‘Christmas’. You just say ‘Xmas’. You’re practically a militant American Jew. Or, maybe you’re a pyro. You love fire. You love burning down flammable trees that are residing in people’s houses. Either way, you fucking love Hanukkah. Also, you’re young (14% more) but for some reason still think Christmas isn’t the best fucking holiday in the world. P.S. it is.
You love the old world values. You love eating apples with honey because some crazy Rabbi who died a thousand years ago was all like ‘yeah, that sounds fun!’. If you’re Israeli it’s only 1 day long and I can only assume that makes every holiday more enjoyable. That, and you have a fondness for your childhood.
You are insane. Or not religious. Or probably both. Nobody who has to celebrate Passover to the strictness of today’s power-tripping Rabbi Czars actually enjoys it. But all the Matzah makers and Jews in the Kosher for Passover industry make BANK. They also love Passover, mostly because they’re screwing over the average Jew, kind of like Bernie Madoff but less illegal and on a smaller scale. I bet Madoff loved Passover…with hookers and coke.
You’re a weirdo who loves the outdoors. You probably backpack 50 days a year and have traveled to exotic countries. It Succot wasn’t a holiday you’d make it up just so you could hang out outside in a small wooden hut and relive your semester trip to a small African village. You already own all the gear needed to stay warm. Or, you live in Arizona/Florida and sitting outside while drinking spiked Arnold Palmers is your regular jam.
You’re an alcoholic. Or maybe a predator. Most likely you’re a furry, but you can’t let that be known in your Jewish community. Kinks aren’t Kosher. So you keep it together for 364 days a year until that one day you get to live out your Hedonistic fantasies. Also, we all know that tail on the suit isn’t a regular tail.