Archives For Purim

Purim is coming around again. It comes around every year. Kids get candy and dress up. Adults get bored.

First, you have to read the Megillah. What’s more fun than sitting for 90 minutes, listening as you try to find the one word you know in the entire Hebrew language (which is like the Jewish people’s Latin; only spoken by Classics assholes and doctors Rabbis. Probably should have gotten high less before Hebrew School. The word is Haman. Listen closely, as if you are an American in a foreign country, trying to understand directions in Swahili to the nearest airport.

The fun only begins there! There’s noise, and not even barroom or bass-heavy party noise. Ear-splitting noise. Yelling and groggers (which were made for the annoyance that only a group of per-adolescent old boys can muster). Yeah, I know I sound like an old man – which is fortunate, because old men love to partake in the Purim megillah reading. You can sit there and bitch together with them! Hence the learning from one generation to another will continue.

See, everything has its purpose.

The megillah ends, and maybe you take a shot or two with a bunch of lawyers, doctors, and professors you’ve known since you were a child. It’s weird, but alteast in a couple years when you graduate law school you can use this exact moment as a reference. “Hey, remember that time when we took shots of peach schnopps at the Purim party? Yeah. I’d like a job now.”

Maybe then you drunkenly wander through the Purim carnival, waiting for 10pm when this whole thing ends and you can go to a bar and get drunk around other sad people, because it’s a weekday and you’re still living in your hometown even though everyone else has moved on.

So really, Purim? Do we have to do this again? Can’t we just take a year off and celebrate Halloween instead?

Zach Braff has teamed up with Yeshiva University to wish you a Happy Purim. Although we’re a month early, I guess YU couldn’t hold onto this for that long. I know Zach Braff might seem like a weird choice for a school like Yeshiva University to have advertise for them. But I think this was a great move. I mean, the only people I know that still binge watch their Scrubs DVDs are Yeshiva University students. And the only people I know that actually loved Garden State are Yeshiva University students. Yay school spirit!

We understand that you don’t read our website every day. In fact, we have the stats to prove it. So it’s understandable if you missed out on Hipster Jew’s top posts of 2k13. That’s why we are here to remind you how funny we are.

Bar Mitzvah Save the Date Video is better than your entire Bar Mitzvah


bar mitzvah We love Bar and Bat Mitzvah videos. They are always over the top, pointless, money wasting pieces of comedic gold. We love them and hope they continue forever. Daniel’s ‘save the date’ video had everything you wanted. Local celebrities, a Ludacris parody, old people trying to rap. It was perfect. And so was this article, which is why we were mentioned in an AOL video about it (which was soon after taken down, most likely because we made fun of AOL).

Please prank your parents with fake drug dealer texts UPDATE


150x150-nathan-fielder Nathan Fielder, of Comedy Central’s Nathan for You, got people to play a few hilarious texting pranks. One was to text you significant other “I haven’t been fully honest with you” and not answer or respond to anything they say. That one was mean. This one was to text your parents about a recent drug deal you made and see their response. It’s funny.

Kosher Lube For Your Shabbos Mitzvah


150x150-hassidic_wedding 2k13 was the year where rabbis tried to trick us into believing everything needs to be Kosher. In Israel they made certain cigarettes kosher for Passover. They told everyone that they can’t say if Quinoa is kosher for Passover, then they say you have to use Kosher lube when you’re sexing it up. Keep my rabbi out of my bedroom!


Internet Asifa has nothing on a Toronto Maple Leafs game


maple leas scarf The Duckman, being a huge hockey fan, noticed that the Toronto Maple Leafs playoff game against the Boston Bruins looked a bit more like Rosh Hashanah services at a Reform Temple than it did a hockey game.


The JAP Jersey Shore Show


150x150-princesses-long-island-season-1People really wanted to know about Princesses Long Island. Maybe it’s because everyone loves a Jewish American Princess. Maybe it’s because everyone loved the one phrase they kept on pushing “Shabbat Shalom! Go fuck yourself.” But apparently no one loved that show enough to actually watch it. Bravo is still considering whether it should make a second season of this crap or not.


Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Now Recognizes Hanukkah


macy's dreidel balloonFor some reason unknown to all of mankind, the Jews have been left out of the Macy’s Thanksgivings Day Parade. But that all changed in 2013 when they gave us a balloonicle. Please don’t ask us what that is. We still have no idea. But it’s something, right?


“Chanukah Honey” is the only Hanukkah Parody song you should listen to


hanukkah-honeyAfter years of suffering through terrible Hanukkah parodies, we finally got one that’s funny. Maybe that’s because Rachel Bloom is hilarious. And if you haven’t checked out her Hanukkah album “Suck it, Christmas!!!” then… just click here I guess.


Is Weed Kosher for Passover?


israelweedflagThe short answer is yes. The long answer is also yes. Apparently a few hard ass rabbis and pot advocates decided to proclaim that Weed is kitniyot. It’s not. Maybe the seeds are, but most people throw that out. So we just chalk it up to hard asses being hard asses.


Purim Gone Wrong


twin-towers-purimMost people who celebrate Purim know it’s a shit show. So we took the worst things to happen on Purim and polled you to figure out which event was the worst. Was it the dad dressing up his kids in 9-11 costumes? The politician in black face? Or the guy who hung dummies outside his house?


Gilbert Gottfried reads the Sorority Girl Email


gilbert_gottfried_sorority2013 was the year we fell back in love with Gilbert Gottfried. He made a video about sexual reproduction. He did the perfect Breaking Bad voice over.

GOTW.Jewish_Holidays.FINAL_

Just kidding! We all know why young people hate Yom Kippur. It’s boring. Not eating food sucks. Going to synagogue for 12 hours is terrible and should be considered torture.

Now, you could make the argument that young people just have diverse backgrounds and religious affiliations. This could explain why young people are voting all over the fucking the place. Is one Jewish holiday more important than another? Only if you believe in Rabbis. In case you are unsure, here’s a handy list to help you decide which holiday is most important to you.

Yom Kippur

You hate yourself. So much, you masochist. If you didn’t have an annoying relative or partner to keep you going, you’d probably develop a heroin problem. You’re anorexic, or manorexic, and you don’t eat anyway. And, you wanna lose some weight in the most unhealthy way possible. Or I guess you’re old and believe that fasting will save you from God’s wrath and/or mercy and/or Jesus.

Hanukkah

You are the reason there is a war on Xmas. Hell, you don’t even call it ‘Christmas’. You just say ‘Xmas’. You’re practically a militant American Jew. Or, maybe you’re a pyro. You love fire. You love burning down flammable trees that are residing in people’s houses. Either way, you fucking love Hanukkah. Also, you’re young (14% more) but for some reason still think Christmas isn’t the best fucking holiday in the world. P.S. it is.

Rosh Hashanah

You love the old world values. You love eating apples with honey because some crazy Rabbi who died a thousand years ago was all like ‘yeah, that sounds fun!’. If you’re Israeli it’s only 1 day long and I can only assume that makes every holiday more enjoyable. That, and you have a fondness for your childhood.

Passover

You are insane. Or not religious. Or probably both. Nobody who has to celebrate Passover to the strictness of today’s power-tripping Rabbi Czars actually enjoys it. But all the Matzah makers and Jews in the Kosher for Passover industry make BANK. They also love Passover, mostly because they’re screwing over the average Jew, kind of like Bernie Madoff but less illegal and on a smaller scale. I bet Madoff loved Passover…with hookers and coke.

Succot

You’re a weirdo who loves the outdoors. You probably backpack 50 days a year and have traveled to exotic countries. It Succot wasn’t a holiday you’d make it up just so you could hang out outside in a small wooden hut and relive your semester trip to a small African village. You already own all the gear needed to stay warm. Or, you live in Arizona/Florida and sitting outside while drinking spiked Arnold Palmers is your regular jam.

Purim

You’re an alcoholic. Or maybe a predator. Most likely you’re a furry, but you can’t let that be known in your Jewish community. Kinks aren’t Kosher. So you keep it together for 364 days a year until that one day you get to live out your Hedonistic fantasies. Also, we all know that tail on the suit isn’t a regular tail.

 

via David A.M. Wilensky

Purim is over, but it’s hard for me to come up with subject material to write about that isn’t cats because that’s actually all I care about. So instead, let’s milk that silly little Jew-Halloween for all it’s worth.

In the past, the Motherland has faced some controversy for not showing girl’s faces in Purim costume advertisements. Because they decided that wasn’t weird and sexist enough, they decided to up the ante this year by not showing girls at all.

But why aren’t they showing lil girls in their cute lil costumes? What is the difference between a little boy dressed up as something adorable and a little girl also being dressed up as something adorable?

vet costumeI hear a rhythmic pounding when I look at this image and I think it’s my biological clock ticking.

If you don’t really get how a child can be perceived in such a way, take a step in someone’s shoes and to understand why the ultra Orthodox in Israel find the female form offensive in advertisements of any sort. Those nasty child bearing hips, child-feeding breasts, and child producing vaginas really should be looked as something to be hidden away and not something to be appreciated and yes, loved.

And don’t get me started on showing advertisements of little girls. Nothing is more provocative and immodest than a four-year-dressed as a white, fluffy bunny. Pure sex.

I’m not going to argue against the fact that sometimes children’s costumes are made far too sexy for a young girl to be wearing. However, there has to be a middle ground in between not showing girls in advertisements (but still selling them costumes) and showing pictures of toddlers in weirdly slutty cowgirl getup.

WHEN DOES CENSORSHIP ACTUALLY WORK??? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ISRAELI HAREDIM!

Surriously guys, come on.

Purim Gone Wrong

The Duckman —  02/25/2013 —  Comments

Purim is over. But of course there has to be some sort of controversy surrounding the holiday. Three incidents happened over the Purim weekend and we have to wonder if this holiday is actually good for the Jews or if it brings out the worst in some people.

Incident 1: Twin Towers 9/11 costumes

twin-towers-purim

A wonderful father in Israel dressed his twin 7 year old sons as the twin towers being hit by airplanes. How terrible of a person do you have to come up with this idea and then to force your kids to wear such a despicable costume? Very?

Incident 2: Black Face Politicians

racist-purim

New York Assemblyman Dov Hikind thought it was a good idea to bring up old racist stereotypes and bust out the black face. I originally thought he was an umpa loompa, but apparently he dressed up as a basketball player which doesn’t help the racist costume at all. SMH… //Heeb Magazine

Incident 3: Hanging Haman outside your school

haman-haniging-purim

If non Jews can hang skeletons on Halloween, Jews can hang dummies to represent Haman and his 10 sons, right? I’m sure everyone knows the story of Purim, right? It’s not like anyone would take this as a threat… no… of course not… (Holy shit, what were you thinking? This was some sort of good idea?)

So…

Who took Purim to the worst level?

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It’s like 8 minutes until Purim and you don’t have a costume. You don’t want to dress as a slutty clown, and your Amy Winehouse costume you used for the past 5 years has 12 different puke stains on it. But don’t worry. We are here to help you figure out how to dress in a culturally relevant costume. Dead celebrities from 2012 for the win.

Adam Yauch / Beastie Boys
mca_yauch
What an awesome great way to honor Adam have a themed costume with your Entourage bro-friends. Put on some shades, hats with graffiti, some nice kicks, and run around your shul drunk, yelling FIGHT FOR MY RIGHT TO *vomit*

Neil Armstrong

Astronaut-Neil-Armstrong
You’ve always wanted to dress up as an astronaut. But your parents could never afford to love you enough to buy you those sweet-ass astronaut pj’s. Dress up as Neil Armstrong. Send your parents photos of you mooning the moon while wearing moon boots (or some shitty uggs). TAKE THAT MOM AND DAD. Also, ladies LOVE astronauts.
Donna Summer / Robin Gibb
summer_gibb
You know your parents have old disco clothes from the 70s somewhere in your attic/basement. Put the on. Because disco will never die, just like Hipsters!
Barney Bush
George W. Bush, Barney
Wanna get political by being a-political? Dress up as George W’s family pet dog, Barney! Barney saw all the action of the White House, AND he never choked on a pretzel. Extra points if you find the Wilfred costume and pretend that George W got all his policy ideas from his talking dog.

Michael Clarke Duncan*

michael_clarke_duncan
This one is a little sad, because he was such a wonderful actor. The good part is that you probably have a friend who looks like Tom Hanks (EVERYONE does), and you can go as a Green Mile duo. The best part is when you get so drunk you start crying, it’ll totally be in character. So don’t worry, and remember that what happens in prison stays in prison (or your mom’s basement).

*No idea how to make this work without blackface, but most shuls are full of racist old men so they’ll probably just laugh and call you a schvartze as they proceed to drink rubbing alcohol from the old country.

Jew on This Purim

The Duckman —  02/23/2013 —  Comments

Our good friends, Jon and Aviva, at Jew on This are back with a new video explaining the story of Purim. Or in this case, what we all would rather being doing instead of celebrating Purim: pretending to be a Christian.

jew-on-this

C’mon, we’ve all thought about being peep-eating Jesus-loving Christians at one point. Just so we could fit in. I really want to fit in. Please let me fit in.

// Heeb Magazine

miss_israel_vashti_purim

What are we doing on Purim? This holiday is supposed to be OUR Mardi Gras, man! There’s supposed to be boobs – and a shit ton of them! Instead we’re wasting away getting drunk around children. If I wanted to get drunk around children I’d show up at some little league games in the park with a 40 of Old E. We need to make Purim an adult holiday, one that can be enjoyed by men, women, and children with really really good fake IDs.

This is why I propose that every Purim, from now until the earth is destroyed in a nuclear holocaust/meteoroid armageddon, we go to the titty bars. Here me out, this is definitely sexist, but no more sexist than most Jewish interpretations of Megillah.

The story goes that Vashti was partying with her husband, the king, when he got hammered and asked Vashti to come out and parade her naked body in front of his friends, like a common whore. Vashti was all like ‘go fuck yourself’, and so she was killed. The moral of that story being that men are pigs.

Now you may be asking why this matters – and it matters because I just like to imagine that King Achashverosh was a pretty decent bro. And like most bros, he just loved his titties. Suuuuuuure he almost let Haman kill all the Jews. But did Haman succeed? No. So let’s throw the goy king a bone, and do something that he liked to do.*

Also, if Vashti had showed off her hoo-hah and her melons, she wouldn’t have been killed, Esther wouldn’t have been Queen, and all the Jews of Persia would have been murdered (if you believe the Megillah is FACT NOT FICTION). Therefore we must celebrate Vashti’s feminist ideals, being modest, by enjoying a pair of breasts that wont have the potential of causing a progrom.

Now I cannot go to the titty bars, as there are none in Vermont. Have no fears, Montreal is only a couple hours away! Here I come, poutine and poonany.

*Say what you will, Esther was not important to this sexist interpretation of Judaism.

Why am I the one who always has to ask the important religious questions?

Here’s what I know about Purim/Judaism.

1) It’s a mitzvah to have sex with your significant other on the Sabbath/holy days.

2) It’s a mitzvah to dress up and get drunk.

Therefore, it’s a mitzvah to dress up, get drunk, and role play with your lover in the bedroom, right?

Right. It is, Chicky. Because you are a genius.

adam-eve

How are you correct? Well sex toys are Kosher, as long as you ‘Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman’, or something. I think this means you’re supposed to treat the men you have sex with as equal, respectable partners, and continue to be a dick towards women.

Using the aforementioned logic, you and your lover shouldn’t dress as equals (even if you are in a LGBTQ relationship. It’s about the letter of the law, and not being practical about its interpretation, damnit!). No red and pink Power Ranger. No Mulder and Scully. Purim, like the rest of Judaism, is all about the power play dynamics. For your marital bliss, dear reader, I’ve therefore come up with a few Purim costume suggestions that could slip into the bedroom. BDSM encouraged but not required.

- ‘Naughty’ Jewish girl and the Modesty Police.
You be the dirty girl who needs to see the Modesty police for being ‘extra’ naughty.

- Mordechai and Esther
He’s the dirty uncle who doesn’t want King Achashverosh to marry you – as a virgin.

- Adam and Eve
Let’s be like adam and eve, but cover ourselves with sheets that have holes in them.

- Moses and a Jewess
I am Moses, I need you to part your legs.

- Joseph and the Angel
I’m Joseph. You be my angel. Let’s dirty wrestle. Naked

-Woman of the Wall and a Religious Rabbi
Wanna wear a Tallit? Then wear it naked, in my bed, and a halachically kosher pair, you dirty dirty not-as-religious-as-me Jew!