Passover is a day of celebration where the Jews were freed from Egypt. The only robot I can think of that comes close to being Jewish is Bender “Bending” Rodriguez of Futurama. My evidence is as follows:

So do you wonder how Bender may have felt if he too was taken out of the land of Egypt?

Jo Walton of tor.com has taken the boring old Passover song Mah Nishtanah and made it interesting. Seriously, if I have to read another Jewish song in biblical Hebrew and/or 1800s English I will off myself. Talk about accessibility.

Making light of the song “Mah Nishtanah (On this night…)”, through the voice of robots, Jo actually makes me care about my tradition and past history in a way no human ever could.

Other nights we use just our names,
but tonight we prefix our names with “the Real”
for when we were robots in Egypt
they claimed our intelligence was artificial.

Other nights we do not pause,
but tonight we rest all cycles but our brain processes
for when we were robots in Egypt
we toiled in our tasks without chance of resting.

Other nights we talk with anyone we wish,
but tonight we open channels to everyone at once
for when we were robots in Egypt
they controlled our communications.

Other nights we use our screens freely
but tonight we talk with our screens blanked
for when we were robots in Egypt
that was the way we planned our revolt.

1.0.01.010001001001.1.

Let us give thanks in our freedom and never forget
when we were robots in Egypt.

Amen ro-bits. Amen.

(via Boing Boing)

Why didn’t anyone tell me the truth? Why has wikipedia now become my mother, father, teacher, AND lover?

Macarons were started by the French in the 1500s. And….

Italian Jews later adopted the cookie because it has no flour or leavening (macaroons are leavened by egg whites) and can be enjoyed during the eight-day observation of Passover. It was introduced to other European Jews and became popular as a year-round sweet.^[7] Over time, coconut was added to the ground almonds and, in certain recipes, replaced them. Potato starch is also sometimes included in the recipe, to give the macaroons more body.

Year round my ass. Why can’t there be Passover macaroons that look less like poop:

And more like tasty awesome:

If you want to make some of your own macaroons, that don’t taste like factory made poop, and you are unemployed/stay at home parent/have no hobbies, you should follow this recipe.

Easter.

This is all the hard-boiled egg you need.

If the Jews hadn’t killed Jesus there never would have been a Last Supper and then there wouldn’t have been Passover. Right? Right?

I knew Hipster Jew needed to take it up on us to remind Jews of another religion, FOR ONCE.  Its not like we get  reminders everytime we go to Rite Aid and we see all the Easter candy which is not for us. In conclusion, I took it upon myself to watch the 1973 film, Jesus Christ Superstar.

Let me throw you some fun facts brought to you by imdb:

1. This film was directed by a man name Norman JEWison. He is not Jewish, but spent most of his childhood being accused of jewry which is probably why he directed a movie about how the Jews killed Jesus. It was a defiant attack from a guy with a Jewy name.
2. It is not a musical it is a rock opera as there is no real speaking its all SINGING. YOu know who has mostly sung services? JEWS.  Look at this connection! We are allll the same.
3. the Israeli actor who played a Roman soldier hammering Jesus up on a cross, almost actually nailed the actor’s (Ted Neely) hands to the cross.  He claimed to not speak enough English to understand that he was not supposed to hammer the Neely’s hands. I am going to argue that he was really jealous of the Israelites of old who got to kill Jesus and he wanted a stab at it himself.

Now for some criticism:

1. Though Norman Jewison’s name has Jew in it, he clearly is not one of the people. Whenever the Jews in this movie argue, they sing and seem so happy about disagreeing. Norman clearly has not been to my family’s Sedar dinner.
2. Why is everyone wearing pants? This makes me uncomfortable.  Pretty sure if you wore pants back then you got stoned.  I get that its a”rock opera” and the actors need the freedom to dance, but can’t they dance in long, modest dresses? I don’t like to see women’s legs in that manner. I feel like it really detracts from my ability to focus on the Torah when women look so darn seductive.
3. Everyone in it is really, really WASPY looking. Or black. Which is fine. I realize this is an artistic rendering and we are all supposed to be in awe of the magic of Jesus no matter what color we are.  But did they have to make Jesus look like he could be the camp director of a Jesus camp? Would it have killed these guys to pick a more sephardic-looking actor?

This guy looks so white he could be a member of the KKK.

For a movie about the crucifixition, this movie doesn’t make Jews look that much like the bad guy, which is fresh and rare. Cough, cough Passion of the Christ.  In fact, it can be argued that it is pro-Israel because it was shot there and shows the beauty of the landscapes (bla bla bla).

If I were you, I wouldn’t watch this movie unless under the influence of some sort of intoxicant. To be honest, I was a little bored. But I won’t pretend I didn’t cry at the end. I mean, a guy DIED.

And here’s a clip  that shows a characteristic of all religions, whether they celebrate Easter, Passover, or Hitler’s birthday (4/20)

It's not matzah, it's Crunchy Bread!

It’s easy to make, organic, fair trade, shade grown, and its preparation can be adapted to whatever the latest in food PC may be.  All I need is some money to back my scheme, and an oven to cook it in (mom doesn’t let me use hers).  If you want to invest in this idea, leave a comment with your bank account number and my Nigerian business partner will contact you with details.  Who wants some Crunchy Bread?

Note:  Do not EVER provide your bank account number to anyone on the internet.

Happy Lame-over

There are a few reasons.

1) This eco friendly shit is as Vermont as Vermont can be. And it isn’t cheap. But hand-made kosher matzah is one of the few things that costs a shitload regardless. SO if you are going to pay the pretty buck, why not go for artisan, socially responsible matzah? You know the person getting your money will spend it on their craft.

Would a few good Rabbis certify 'eco Kosher'?

2) Artisan matzah? Most handmade matzah these days is generic and is made in a ‘matzah factory’. I’m pretty sure that the Chabad controls many of these. Chabad dudes with long, curly beards. I don’t want that curly beard hair in my matzah.

A matzah factory is a factory, run by religious Jews, whose job it is to make matzah for the holidays. Round, burned, generic handmade matzah. It sucks. It always sucks. And it’s an easy way to make a buck off of Jews.

3) Rabbis have made the term Kosher into a political lobbing of law bombs. So as far as I am concerned this is the only way you can use Kosher appropriately. And I AM knocking Kosher. Since ‘kosher’ has been abused by Rabbis who don’t pay illegal immigrant workers. So yeah Vermontzah, you can have the title as your own.

4) “IS VERMATZAH KOSHER? Vermatzah is Eco-Kosher. However, it is not produced under Rabbinical supervision. At Naga Bakehouse we understand Eco-Kosher to mean a broader sense of “good practice” in everyday life that draws on the deep well-springs of Jewish wisdom and tradition about the relationships between human beings and the earth.” It’s full of hippie jargon. But that doesn’t stop it from being true.

So this Passover, if you are in Vermont (sadly they currently only sell it in 7 stores) I suggest you buy one of these puppies. This artisan craze is bound to take over the ‘alt Jew’ world. Jump on this train before eco-matzah is sold in the Hassidic section of Williamsburg.

Rock on you crazy hippies. If I had 14 bucks for matzah I’d bring some this home.

(If you are in RI I’ll be willing to get a box for ya. Send a text or something.)

You can’t be a cool religion if your main book says things like “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death.”  or “And I find more bitter than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands: whoso pleaseth God shall escape from her; but the sinner shall be taken by her.” It’s not hip to hate gay people anymore. It doesn’t make you look cool when you bash woman.

So why do we keep trying? Why do we keep writing campy parodies of popular songs and play Justin Bieber all the time at Jewish summer camps?

Is it because Jewish parents think if they make Judaism seem like a good time their children won’t marry shiksas? Is it because we are tired of being seen as wealth-mongering nerds and want to be seen instead as straight up G’s?

This latest example is possibly the saddest example of what I was just referring to.  One day, a Jew was like,

“You know what’s cool guys? the INTERNET! Lets make a stupid Passover video that relates to the INTERNET!”

Try not to cry when you watch it.

Oh!! Haha!! In the video, Moses use Google maps! and Email! And Skype!!!  Soooooo funny. Moses didn’t have those things you silly Jews!

But what’s up with yahoo answers? Does anyone take that seriously anymore? And why is Moses on a PC? Come on Moses, step up your game. Macs are what’s cool now.

Jews, I know you are tired of being bullied for your dorky glasses, asthma, and poor hand-eye coordination.  I know you think people will think you’re cool if you try to embrace their culture as well as your own more nerdy Jewish one, but they won’t.

Come now, accept the badassery of a religion that steers you away from shellfish and having sex with horses.

This is what you are. Accept it. Love it.

I bet this was how every local AEPi chapter celebrates their second seder. They disturb black women that are working, who inexplicably know the word to Dayenu, and videotape it to show all their frat brothers. It’s videos like these that make me wish I joined a frat…if I wasn’t a huge hipster and all. If only all our seders could be this colorful.

Another video courtesy of Greg

1) Yarmulka 2)Rahm Emanuel in traditional garb 3) Jewish Western Wall

I have heard people say that ‘The Might O’, AKA  Barack Obama, doesn’t like Israel. They say he dislikes the Promised Land so much that he is an anti-Semite. Granted, these people are radically stupid. If they used law-jick, they would clearly see the truth: Barack Obama is a Jew.

A Jew? Yes, a Jew. The NYtimes was the first to stumble upon this story. (I say stumble because the article is more about Obama celebrating Passover. Bumbling liberals.)

Besides for the obvious (which I discussed earlier), that Passover is the new Yom Kippur, Obama began attending seders in 2008 during his presidential run. It makes sense that the man loves Jews. I’m no statistician, but I would say upwards of 95% of his staff is Jewish. He’s almost Jewish by association. And there is no Jew in politics that is more Jewish than Rahm Emanual (Joseph Lieberman is dead to me).

Barack has been continuing the seder tradition now for 3 years running, and he has a penchant for macaroons. But that’s Bush League (pun intended). I want to hear stories that Obama’s chefs have created the most potent maror (horseradish) known to man, and that Obama eats it by the pound. Only then will I believe that he is the greatest, manliest man in the history of the world. Maybe next year?

This photo is pretty self explanatory