Archives For Passover

Jason Bateman was on the Daily Show to promote his new movie, Bad Words, when he started talking about Yiddish and his first Passover Seder. Of course Jon Stewart had fun with this. The best part has to be when the seder plate came out and Bateman thought they were about to play a game. Goyim, amiright?

We understand that you don’t read our website every day. In fact, we have the stats to prove it. So it’s understandable if you missed out on Hipster Jew’s top posts of 2k13. That’s why we are here to remind you how funny we are.

Bar Mitzvah Save the Date Video is better than your entire Bar Mitzvah


bar mitzvah We love Bar and Bat Mitzvah videos. They are always over the top, pointless, money wasting pieces of comedic gold. We love them and hope they continue forever. Daniel’s ‘save the date’ video had everything you wanted. Local celebrities, a Ludacris parody, old people trying to rap. It was perfect. And so was this article, which is why we were mentioned in an AOL video about it (which was soon after taken down, most likely because we made fun of AOL).

Please prank your parents with fake drug dealer texts UPDATE


150x150-nathan-fielder Nathan Fielder, of Comedy Central’s Nathan for You, got people to play a few hilarious texting pranks. One was to text you significant other “I haven’t been fully honest with you” and not answer or respond to anything they say. That one was mean. This one was to text your parents about a recent drug deal you made and see their response. It’s funny.

Kosher Lube For Your Shabbos Mitzvah


150x150-hassidic_wedding 2k13 was the year where rabbis tried to trick us into believing everything needs to be Kosher. In Israel they made certain cigarettes kosher for Passover. They told everyone that they can’t say if Quinoa is kosher for Passover, then they say you have to use Kosher lube when you’re sexing it up. Keep my rabbi out of my bedroom!


Internet Asifa has nothing on a Toronto Maple Leafs game


maple leas scarf The Duckman, being a huge hockey fan, noticed that the Toronto Maple Leafs playoff game against the Boston Bruins looked a bit more like Rosh Hashanah services at a Reform Temple than it did a hockey game.


The JAP Jersey Shore Show


150x150-princesses-long-island-season-1People really wanted to know about Princesses Long Island. Maybe it’s because everyone loves a Jewish American Princess. Maybe it’s because everyone loved the one phrase they kept on pushing “Shabbat Shalom! Go fuck yourself.” But apparently no one loved that show enough to actually watch it. Bravo is still considering whether it should make a second season of this crap or not.


Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Now Recognizes Hanukkah


macy's dreidel balloonFor some reason unknown to all of mankind, the Jews have been left out of the Macy’s Thanksgivings Day Parade. But that all changed in 2013 when they gave us a balloonicle. Please don’t ask us what that is. We still have no idea. But it’s something, right?


“Chanukah Honey” is the only Hanukkah Parody song you should listen to


hanukkah-honeyAfter years of suffering through terrible Hanukkah parodies, we finally got one that’s funny. Maybe that’s because Rachel Bloom is hilarious. And if you haven’t checked out her Hanukkah album “Suck it, Christmas!!!” then… just click here I guess.


Is Weed Kosher for Passover?


israelweedflagThe short answer is yes. The long answer is also yes. Apparently a few hard ass rabbis and pot advocates decided to proclaim that Weed is kitniyot. It’s not. Maybe the seeds are, but most people throw that out. So we just chalk it up to hard asses being hard asses.


Purim Gone Wrong


twin-towers-purimMost people who celebrate Purim know it’s a shit show. So we took the worst things to happen on Purim and polled you to figure out which event was the worst. Was it the dad dressing up his kids in 9-11 costumes? The politician in black face? Or the guy who hung dummies outside his house?


Gilbert Gottfried reads the Sorority Girl Email


gilbert_gottfried_sorority2013 was the year we fell back in love with Gilbert Gottfried. He made a video about sexual reproduction. He did the perfect Breaking Bad voice over.

GOTW.Jewish_Holidays.FINAL_

Just kidding! We all know why young people hate Yom Kippur. It’s boring. Not eating food sucks. Going to synagogue for 12 hours is terrible and should be considered torture.

Now, you could make the argument that young people just have diverse backgrounds and religious affiliations. This could explain why young people are voting all over the fucking the place. Is one Jewish holiday more important than another? Only if you believe in Rabbis. In case you are unsure, here’s a handy list to help you decide which holiday is most important to you.

Yom Kippur

You hate yourself. So much, you masochist. If you didn’t have an annoying relative or partner to keep you going, you’d probably develop a heroin problem. You’re anorexic, or manorexic, and you don’t eat anyway. And, you wanna lose some weight in the most unhealthy way possible. Or I guess you’re old and believe that fasting will save you from God’s wrath and/or mercy and/or Jesus.

Hanukkah

You are the reason there is a war on Xmas. Hell, you don’t even call it ‘Christmas’. You just say ‘Xmas’. You’re practically a militant American Jew. Or, maybe you’re a pyro. You love fire. You love burning down flammable trees that are residing in people’s houses. Either way, you fucking love Hanukkah. Also, you’re young (14% more) but for some reason still think Christmas isn’t the best fucking holiday in the world. P.S. it is.

Rosh Hashanah

You love the old world values. You love eating apples with honey because some crazy Rabbi who died a thousand years ago was all like ‘yeah, that sounds fun!’. If you’re Israeli it’s only 1 day long and I can only assume that makes every holiday more enjoyable. That, and you have a fondness for your childhood.

Passover

You are insane. Or not religious. Or probably both. Nobody who has to celebrate Passover to the strictness of today’s power-tripping Rabbi Czars actually enjoys it. But all the Matzah makers and Jews in the Kosher for Passover industry make BANK. They also love Passover, mostly because they’re screwing over the average Jew, kind of like Bernie Madoff but less illegal and on a smaller scale. I bet Madoff loved Passover…with hookers and coke.

Succot

You’re a weirdo who loves the outdoors. You probably backpack 50 days a year and have traveled to exotic countries. It Succot wasn’t a holiday you’d make it up just so you could hang out outside in a small wooden hut and relive your semester trip to a small African village. You already own all the gear needed to stay warm. Or, you live in Arizona/Florida and sitting outside while drinking spiked Arnold Palmers is your regular jam.

Purim

You’re an alcoholic. Or maybe a predator. Most likely you’re a furry, but you can’t let that be known in your Jewish community. Kinks aren’t Kosher. So you keep it together for 364 days a year until that one day you get to live out your Hedonistic fantasies. Also, we all know that tail on the suit isn’t a regular tail.

 

via David A.M. Wilensky

OK. I know Hipster Jew has an official stance against Jewish holiday-themed parody videos.

But….

Those darn Maccabeats have done it again and this time its timely, and well-tuned, and the theater geek in me peed itself (from joy).

G-ddamnit.

 

Happy Passover all you Hipster Jew mother fuckers!

I don’t know about you, but I’m about to enter a Manischewitz and chopped liver coma.

It’s what Moses would want.

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They only want me for my Pimp Juice. 

 

Passover hasn’t even started yet and we have too much to complain about…

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// someecards

Ever wondered what it’s like behind the religious scam that is matzah? 31,000 boxes of crispy crusty flour water? And all the money that comes with it, including 5 (FIVE?!?!) Rabbis? Then watch the minute below. Just remember: 18 minutes or it isn’t good for Passover. 18 is Chai, and if you eat leavened bread on Passover your children will be born with fins, and you will live the rest of your life with gonorrhea. I didn’t make this up; it’s a religious fact. Probably in the Talmud or in those books that no one cares about…Ezekiel or something.

People have pooped since Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge. That was our punishment. And then, to punish ourselves more, Jews decided that matzah had to constipate you. How else will you know how Jews felt leaving Egypt if we aren’t hurting for 8 days? For your enjoyment I’ve compiled a list of Jews throughout history who had to deal with the dangers and pain of Passover Constipation.

1. Obama 2010

Obama seder 2010

Everyone knows Obama hates Isreal and the Jews. But did you know he hates the Jews so much that he’s willing to spend a whole evening with them every year? And that he punishes himself for being there by stuffing his face with matzah? What a self-hating Jew-hater if I ever saw one.

2. First Women’s Seder San Diego 1979

first_womens_seder_san_diego_1979

Lots of men like to think that women don’t fart or poop. And while these men are wrong, a group of feminists in San Diego in 1979 decided to prove these chauvinists correct. They celebrated a meal all by themselves, and didn’t even fart once. Hippies.

3. Israeli Kibbutz, 1950s

kibbutz-seder-1950s

Nothing shows how much you love mother Israel than cramming little Jewish crackers into your mouth with every person you know within a five mile radius. If you look closely, a lot of men have their hands over their mouths. It’s because they’re nearly vomiting with love for Israel. Zionists.

4. Berlin, 1946

berlin_seder_1946

In an unequivocal ‘fuck you’ to Nazis and Germany in 1946, a group of German Jews (some are Holocaust survivors) are lighting candles, eating matzah, and not pooping. If I was a Rabbi (clearly, I’m not) I’d say that Holocaust survivors wouldn’t have to eat matzah, especially in old age, because holy shit they’ve suffered enough.

5. France, WWILandscapeWhat do you give to a ton of American Jewish soldiers who survived the 4 years and millions dead of WWI while in France? Well clearly you make them eat matzah. This was 1919, damnit, and men weren’t meant to be coddled. Also, what’s PTSD?

6. 1910 Duluth, Minnesota

minnesota_seder_1910

I still don’t believe that Jews live in Minnesota, or that they’d live there in 1910 (ew why?), but this picture proves otherwise. Just a small family in a seder photo-op. Little did those children know that they’d be doing this every. Year. Until. They. Died.

7. 1800s Ukraine

1800s_ukranian_seder
Little known facts about Jews in the 1800s in Ukraine: They hated popping for 8 days. They also dressed like pimps, had oval heads, and enjoyed obscene head accessories. Also, judging from my ruler, they were all about an inch and a half tall.

8. Barcelona, 1350

barcelona_seder_1400s

Little known fact: This painting was made by a Jewish art school drop out. In fact, it was a Jew who started the Renaissance in Spain, with this painting. He was quickly excommunicated from the community, with his father yelling, ‘MY SON WILL NOT BE AN ENTERTAINER!’

9. The Last Supper, 33 AD

The Last Supper - Da Vinci 1495-98

Jesus died for your sins. He also died for the taste of matzah. In the New Testament, Jesus was given the chance to escape the Romans and gtfo. He tried, but only got a mile away before complaining about how badly it hurt to walk. Some scholars believe it was the matzah that killed him, and not the whole crucifixion thing.

Traditionally JDate annoys me. Mostly because it is constantly advertised on the side of my Facebook. What if I don’t want a Jew/ Jew enthusiast, JDate? What if I like to embrace my goyish side and date Peruvian boys? Did you ever think of that? Stop advertising on my Facebook because I have the (mis)fortune of writing for a Jewish interest blog. STOP IT.

Rant aside, JDate has done a good thing.

This year, you can download JDate’s version of the Haggadah straight to your phone or douchey iPad mini.  What a joyous Seder where you can switch between Instagram and your Dayenu!

Haggadah

Real books are dumb.

Why is this night different from all other nights? Oh wait, it’s not. I’m still on my iPhone.

bubala-please-passover

On all other Bubala Please release dates we had one new episode. But on this release date, we get two! Now drink your second cup of wine and enjoy these episodes.

Episode 5 – Passover Munchies

In the first Passover episode, Bubala Please goes back to its roots and shows us how to cook some Mexican styled Passover dishes. Like nachos. Why did I never think about making matzo nachos?!? This might by my favorite episode yet. I’m not sure if it’s the lines of matzo meal, or the many other drug and food related humor, but I love it. Especially losing the Afikoman. You know how many times Chicky lost the Afikoman? Too many. One time he even put it under the rug. What a jerk. But we all know what kind of drug problems Chicky had as an 8 year old. So I guess we should forgive him.

Episode 6 – Make your own Passover Haggadah

For those of you who haven’t taken the SAT’s yet. Episode 5 is to drug joke as Episode 6 is to sex jokes. If your seder is boring, and you don’t have any drug infused food at the seder table, you might want to spend your time designing your own Haggadah. I’ve never made my own Haggadah, but if I ever do, it will have to be with a shiksa Russian prostitute. Sorry any future children I have or run into. But it just wouldn’t be the same.

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