Archives For Passover

Look, I’m not a good Jew. I mean, I’m probably in the top 20%, because I haven’t committed fraud or covered up any sexual assault. But I don’t go to shul or the time or really think about doing anything Jewish, unless making self-deprecating Jew-jokes about yourself counts. Also, I teach kids, so I mean that automatically makes me a good person, if not a good Jewish person.

My point being, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to go on a lavish retreat for a week during Passover. I’m pretty sure when you spend 1/3 of my annual salary so you can bro out in a warm climate, use a jetpack or go to a trampoline park. This is definitely not in the spirit of Passover – not pooping regularly and being wine drunk like it’s your job (if you work at a Hillel this is probably written into the job description).

Starting Friday, Lerer, who’s an Orthodox Jew, will join 1,000 other movers and shakers at the St. Regis Monarch Beach in Dana Point, Calif. — situated on 172 acres, with a private beach, luxury spa and championship golf course — for the weeklong holiday celebrating the Israelites’ emancipation from slavery.

Look, I know how terrible Passover can be. I’ve done it. Many a year. The Matzah gets tiring. The lack of delicious, delicious beer slowly destroy your soul…unless you’re not an alcoholic, in which case…do you celebrate Passover successfully? I’d love to hear how, because I don’t believe you. What happened to good old fashioned Passover week-long orgy in the woods with some fun psychedelics? What I’m trying to say is, can’t you just move Passover to whenever Burning Man is and bro out there?

Or as expensive — prices start at $11,000 per person for an ocean-view room with butler service for the eight-day festival. That doesn’t include starry add-on amenities such as a recording session with Ariana Grande ($3,800 per person) and a meet-and-greet with Kylie and Kendall Jenner ($2,200) — both available last year.

Ugh. I change my mind. You deserve to waste your money like this. And here I thought I couldn’t hate anything having to do with Passover any more than I already do.

“It’s the best of the Catskills, but elegantly on steroids,” says the 61-year-old from the Upper West Side, who enjoyed a morning shvitz in the spa. “It was beautiful.”

Your parents and grandparents are rolling in their graves. The Catskills was about refined, demure tastes. Where’s Occupy Judaism when you need them? Read the link below if you don’t mind your blood boiling while you eat over-priced Matzah in your over-priced apartment while you try to forget how many of your student loans could be paid off with one ticket to Passover Paradise.

Last year we were slaves, next year may we be free (to throw away money, without an angry mob rightfully taking our heads).

//NYPOST

The Notorious RBG is at it again. Homegirl won’t quit. She loves freedom and social justice and Judaism and making sure that ladies’ views are well represented.

You thought Passover was about first born sons, and Moses, and Pharoah, and God who you probably identify in your mind as a man? Not like an old guy with a beard or anything, but like a young guy with muscles and stuff? Well you’re wrong. It’s about ladies.

The Book of Exodus, much like the Book of Genesis, opens in pervasive darkness. Genesis describes the earth
as “unformed and void, with darkness over the surface of the deep.” In Exodus, darkness attends the accession
of a new Pharaoh who feared the Israelites and so enslaved them. God alone lights the way out of the
darkness in Genesis. But in Exodus, God has many partners, first among them, five brave women.

So give your mom a hug, you jerk. If I had to guess, she probably made all the food for the Seders and you didn’t even say thanks. I know I didn’t. Because my dad didn’t raise me right. MY MOM IS PERFECT AND SO IS THE NOTORIOUS RBG.

//Washington Post

Uhoh, Demi-Jews, 2015 is a weird year for us. The year 2014,we did some serious holiday mixing. A little Thanksgiving, a little Hannukka; it was bizarre but it didn’t hurt anybody. That sort of holiday mixing is OK because the whole thing ended in cranberry applesauce and Manischewitz-brined turkeys. And who doesn’t like turkey? (Stand down, vegetarians)

But this year is going to be a little different. For those of us who’ve got one parent who worships the Zombie Jesus and one parent who worships the elitism of The People, this year we’ve got quite the conundrum. This year, the first days of the Jewish Passover is also the end of Holy Week. Which for those of you lil Jews who don’t get Christianity, Holy Week begins on Palm Sunday in remembrance of the day everyone was like “Yo Jesus, you’re so great let’s wave palm branches at you” and ends with Easter weekend when Jesus was betrayed at a biblical-age Seder, died for everybody’s sins and then rose from the grave in an attempt to find braiiiiiins.

r-JON-STEWART-FAITH-OFF-600x275

 Why must you leave, Jon, why?

What does one do when Poppa Goy wants you to attend Good Friday service with the Gentile side of your family, but Mamma Yid wants you to attend a Seder at Auntie Mim’s house with all your Jewy relatives? Your options are very different, but both promising. Good Friday, though completely smothered with lots of sad organ music is actually not that much of a waste of time. For some reason, the story of Jesus getting betrayed by his disciple, Judas, really puts the whole thing where your ex-best friend Cecily made out with that dreamboat Coffee Shop Dan and you were simply heartbroken in some serious perspective. On the other hand (cue Tevya from Fiddler on the Roof), who doesn’t like eating a crap-ton of delicious brisket or lamb or whatever Auntie Mim decided to slow roast in her crock pot for three days at a Seder (SO TENDER!)? This, my friends, is a toughie.

I want to tell you that you can do both. “Don’t worry fellow half-breeds”, I want to triumphantly shout, “Luckily Harry Potter is letting us borrow his time turner because Daniel Radcliffe is a haflie just like us so you can manage to please both sides of your family!”

But. I can’t. Because even if you could attend them all: every Seder that every single aunt and uncle is holding, all the Easter egg hunts your second cousins’ insist you mediate because you were a camp lifeguard that one summer, all the matzah and Easter ham you can stuff in your belly, you still can’t please everybody. The Gentile side will always be concerned for your immortal soul and the Jewish side will always be concerned that if you don’t marry a nice Jewish boy/girl you’ll die in a goyish poverty.

The bottom line, stop trying to please everybody. Pleasing your whole family is an Afikoman you will never find. If anything, the message for you this Holy Week/Passover two weeks is to just do you. Take your own Afikoman, dip it in and dark chocolate and hide it wherever you damn well please. But make sure it’s not somewhere the dog can reach because as we all know, dark chocolate isn’t great for pups’ digestive tracts. Take an extra shift at work instead of attending either event, then take the guilt from that and shove it up your own ass (this is the price of guilt, my friends) This life lesson brought to you by the often-unavailable Schlitz Lipz for all of you: half Jews, full Jews, Jew-bangers, Jew-wannabe-bangers. Christians, non-Christians, lambs up for the Passover slaughter, pigs up for the Easter ham, everybody.

And remember, Obama is the anti-Christ Lizard G-d who’s going to destroy the world in about two weeks, so none of this junk matters anyway.

Jason Bateman was on the Daily Show to promote his new movie, Bad Words, when he started talking about Yiddish and his first Passover Seder. Of course Jon Stewart had fun with this. The best part has to be when the seder plate came out and Bateman thought they were about to play a game. Goyim, amiright?

We understand that you don’t read our website every day. In fact, we have the stats to prove it. So it’s understandable if you missed out on Hipster Jew’s top posts of 2k13. That’s why we are here to remind you how funny we are.

Bar Mitzvah Save the Date Video is better than your entire Bar Mitzvah


bar mitzvah We love Bar and Bat Mitzvah videos. They are always over the top, pointless, money wasting pieces of comedic gold. We love them and hope they continue forever. Daniel’s ‘save the date’ video had everything you wanted. Local celebrities, a Ludacris parody, old people trying to rap. It was perfect. And so was this article, which is why we were mentioned in an AOL video about it (which was soon after taken down, most likely because we made fun of AOL).

Please prank your parents with fake drug dealer texts UPDATE


150x150-nathan-fielder Nathan Fielder, of Comedy Central’s Nathan for You, got people to play a few hilarious texting pranks. One was to text you significant other “I haven’t been fully honest with you” and not answer or respond to anything they say. That one was mean. This one was to text your parents about a recent drug deal you made and see their response. It’s funny.

Kosher Lube For Your Shabbos Mitzvah


150x150-hassidic_wedding 2k13 was the year where rabbis tried to trick us into believing everything needs to be Kosher. In Israel they made certain cigarettes kosher for Passover. They told everyone that they can’t say if Quinoa is kosher for Passover, then they say you have to use Kosher lube when you’re sexing it up. Keep my rabbi out of my bedroom!


Internet Asifa has nothing on a Toronto Maple Leafs game


maple leas scarf The Duckman, being a huge hockey fan, noticed that the Toronto Maple Leafs playoff game against the Boston Bruins looked a bit more like Rosh Hashanah services at a Reform Temple than it did a hockey game.


The JAP Jersey Shore Show


150x150-princesses-long-island-season-1People really wanted to know about Princesses Long Island. Maybe it’s because everyone loves a Jewish American Princess. Maybe it’s because everyone loved the one phrase they kept on pushing “Shabbat Shalom! Go fuck yourself.” But apparently no one loved that show enough to actually watch it. Bravo is still considering whether it should make a second season of this crap or not.


Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Now Recognizes Hanukkah


macy's dreidel balloonFor some reason unknown to all of mankind, the Jews have been left out of the Macy’s Thanksgivings Day Parade. But that all changed in 2013 when they gave us a balloonicle. Please don’t ask us what that is. We still have no idea. But it’s something, right?


“Chanukah Honey” is the only Hanukkah Parody song you should listen to


hanukkah-honeyAfter years of suffering through terrible Hanukkah parodies, we finally got one that’s funny. Maybe that’s because Rachel Bloom is hilarious. And if you haven’t checked out her Hanukkah album “Suck it, Christmas!!!” then… just click here I guess.


Is Weed Kosher for Passover?


israelweedflagThe short answer is yes. The long answer is also yes. Apparently a few hard ass rabbis and pot advocates decided to proclaim that Weed is kitniyot. It’s not. Maybe the seeds are, but most people throw that out. So we just chalk it up to hard asses being hard asses.


Purim Gone Wrong


twin-towers-purimMost people who celebrate Purim know it’s a shit show. So we took the worst things to happen on Purim and polled you to figure out which event was the worst. Was it the dad dressing up his kids in 9-11 costumes? The politician in black face? Or the guy who hung dummies outside his house?


Gilbert Gottfried reads the Sorority Girl Email


gilbert_gottfried_sorority2013 was the year we fell back in love with Gilbert Gottfried. He made a video about sexual reproduction. He did the perfect Breaking Bad voice over.

GOTW.Jewish_Holidays.FINAL_

Just kidding! We all know why young people hate Yom Kippur. It’s boring. Not eating food sucks. Going to synagogue for 12 hours is terrible and should be considered torture.

Now, you could make the argument that young people just have diverse backgrounds and religious affiliations. This could explain why young people are voting all over the fucking the place. Is one Jewish holiday more important than another? Only if you believe in Rabbis. In case you are unsure, here’s a handy list to help you decide which holiday is most important to you.

Yom Kippur

You hate yourself. So much, you masochist. If you didn’t have an annoying relative or partner to keep you going, you’d probably develop a heroin problem. You’re anorexic, or manorexic, and you don’t eat anyway. And, you wanna lose some weight in the most unhealthy way possible. Or I guess you’re old and believe that fasting will save you from God’s wrath and/or mercy and/or Jesus.

Hanukkah

You are the reason there is a war on Xmas. Hell, you don’t even call it ‘Christmas’. You just say ‘Xmas’. You’re practically a militant American Jew. Or, maybe you’re a pyro. You love fire. You love burning down flammable trees that are residing in people’s houses. Either way, you fucking love Hanukkah. Also, you’re young (14% more) but for some reason still think Christmas isn’t the best fucking holiday in the world. P.S. it is.

Rosh Hashanah

You love the old world values. You love eating apples with honey because some crazy Rabbi who died a thousand years ago was all like ‘yeah, that sounds fun!’. If you’re Israeli it’s only 1 day long and I can only assume that makes every holiday more enjoyable. That, and you have a fondness for your childhood.

Passover

You are insane. Or not religious. Or probably both. Nobody who has to celebrate Passover to the strictness of today’s power-tripping Rabbi Czars actually enjoys it. But all the Matzah makers and Jews in the Kosher for Passover industry make BANK. They also love Passover, mostly because they’re screwing over the average Jew, kind of like Bernie Madoff but less illegal and on a smaller scale. I bet Madoff loved Passover…with hookers and coke.

Succot

You’re a weirdo who loves the outdoors. You probably backpack 50 days a year and have traveled to exotic countries. It Succot wasn’t a holiday you’d make it up just so you could hang out outside in a small wooden hut and relive your semester trip to a small African village. You already own all the gear needed to stay warm. Or, you live in Arizona/Florida and sitting outside while drinking spiked Arnold Palmers is your regular jam.

Purim

You’re an alcoholic. Or maybe a predator. Most likely you’re a furry, but you can’t let that be known in your Jewish community. Kinks aren’t Kosher. So you keep it together for 364 days a year until that one day you get to live out your Hedonistic fantasies. Also, we all know that tail on the suit isn’t a regular tail.

 

via David A.M. Wilensky

OK. I know Hipster Jew has an official stance against Jewish holiday-themed parody videos.

But….

Those darn Maccabeats have done it again and this time its timely, and well-tuned, and the theater geek in me peed itself (from joy).

G-ddamnit.

 

Happy Passover all you Hipster Jew mother fuckers!

I don’t know about you, but I’m about to enter a Manischewitz and chopped liver coma.

It’s what Moses would want.

9041_10151378430958857_1042965297_n

They only want me for my Pimp Juice. 

 

Passover hasn’t even started yet and we have too much to complain about…

beer-jews-jewish-passover-ecards-someecards

pinterest-bread-cupcakes-jews-passover-ecards-someecards

think-confusing-south-beach-passover-ecard-someecards

unleavened-bread-jewish-pizza-passover-ecards-someecards2

diamonds-passover

irs-passover

learn-to-celebrate-passover

passover-poop

// someecards

Ever wondered what it’s like behind the religious scam that is matzah? 31,000 boxes of crispy crusty flour water? And all the money that comes with it, including 5 (FIVE?!?!) Rabbis? Then watch the minute below. Just remember: 18 minutes or it isn’t good for Passover. 18 is Chai, and if you eat leavened bread on Passover your children will be born with fins, and you will live the rest of your life with gonorrhea. I didn’t make this up; it’s a religious fact. Probably in the Talmud or in those books that no one cares about…Ezekiel or something.