Hipster Jew » nyc

Woody Allen gets chummy with Lindsay Lohan

Chicky — Tue, 08 May 2012 17:54:42 +0000

The NYpost and their ever-present topnotch writing skills happened upon Woody Allen and Lindsay Lohan doing only the most professional, least-sexual things possible.

Woody Allen gentlemanly holds the door for Lindsay Lohan after the two broke bread at the pricey Upper East Side eatery Philippe on Saturday night to chat about her once-promising career.

“He just believes in her talent, and they’re really great friends,” mom Dina Lohan told The Post yesterday.

There’s no solid project on the table yet, but the struggling actress is clearly interested in working for Allen if any roles pop up.

“Obviously, we think he’s a genius,” Dina said.

And with that, I vomit my lunch. There’s something strange when your 20-odd-year-old daughter is BFFFLs with Woody Allen. And that isn’t the jealous teenage female angst in me talking. But hey, Woody Allen has turned over many a woman’s career, and only had sex with a couple of them. I just wish he’d make a classier movie choice, like Britney Spears or Madonna.

WEINER SITING!

The Duckman — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 16:56:55 +0000

After learning that Anthony Weiner was not allowed on Air Force One, it comes no shock to me that he is forced to use the dirty, disgusting, underground passages we peons call ‘the New York Subway.’

Woody Takes the City!

Schlitz Lipz — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 16:01:22 +0000

Recently our most goyish author wrote a post praising Woody Allen’s decision to make yet another film forsaking his home New York and set in another country.

Don’t get me wrong. It was a great post. The Goy is right. Woody Allen makes great movies that are set and shot in other countries. I will inevitably watch the movie and love it, as I always do.

But, this whole thing stinks of the Olsen Twins.

And that stink isn’t the milk on their upper lips.

Yes. You read that right.

Those of you who aren’t savvy on the films 8-year-old girls were into in the late 90s, might not even know this exists. And I’m happy for you.

But as for myself and EVERY girl at my elementary school, we watched them. Each and every one of them.

Yes, I’m referring to that awful time in American history when the Olsen twins did those awful globe trotting movies. The ones where they traveled to various places in the city via a montage, and sped off on the back of Ricardo’s Vespa, and learned a new funny word in this crazy new culture.

I don’t want to compare Woody Allen’s trend to this. But I can’t stop.

G-d help me.

Aziz Ansari is the Hipster king of Central Park

Chicky — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 20:59:33 +0000

What is going on in NYC? Are they required to have tv celebrities with tv personalities exist in the real world, mind-fucking everyone into a blank stare of warped reality?

I’ll give the Central Park Conservancy this much credit: They’ve got balls. Grande balls. Calling up Aziz Ansari early in the morning. Asking him to do MANUAL LABOR, like some sort of non-celebrity landscaper. All for some weird misguided publicity.NEWSFLASH: No one cares about Central Park. Just shush and continue to cut the grass. That’s your job. Thanks.

More credit goes to Aziz. He must have thought this was fucking hilarious. Why else would he agree to lose sleep over this? He’s probably hungover. But damn does his jacket look good on him. He’s so funny he’s funny when he’s not even trying to be funny! Just like his character in Parks and Rec!

// Laughspin

Danny Lobell: NYC Comedian – HJ interviews

Chicky — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 19:52:37 +0000

Danny Lobell, Scottish Jew, had the pleasure of allowing me to interview him recently. His credits include: opening for Last Comic Standing’s Ralphie May and Tourgasm’s Robert Kelly, performing at the Times Square Arts Center, Stand Up New York, and Broadway Comedy Club. As a hilarious NYC Jewish comedian (which is all of them) we made each other laugh and giggle like coked-out prostitutes (I can only imagine). Danny did not disappoint (me). He regularly disappoints his parents.

Some highlights of our hour-long interview include:

Conspiracy theories about Jerry Seinfeld, a plan to solve Jewish intermarriage, a Hollywood remake of the Ten Commandments, Israeli-Palestinian nursery rhymes, and even the Jewishness of secular Woody Allen fans (I think he was talking about me). As the old saying goes, 2 Jews; 3 comedians. It’s worth your time to read through this interview in its entirety, not just to boost my ego.

How did you get interested in comedy, what was your inspiration?
I just ended up doing it. I originally went to a poet and musicians open mic in Long Beach Long Island at a Starbucks and I wanted to get on the mic when I was 15 years old and I wasn’t a musician or a poet. They asked me what I was going to do, and that’s when I figured I’d tell them a funny story.

How did your first time go?
To my recollection it went well, but it probably sucked.

How long have you been doing comedy for?
I’ve been doing it seriously for 10 years. I dabbled when I was 15 with the open mic, a year or two, but I started a career ten years ago.

When you started were you stuck living at home? Shit job on the side?
I was going to college, living in the city, in an apartment and I did a lot of shit jobs on the side. I did light bulb sale. I was going door to door trying to convert their light bulbs. I found out many years later that was the same job that Jerry Seinfeld had when he started doing comedy.

Were you selling the same exact bulbs he was?
No I’m sure he was selling the incandescent light bulbs. Upgrading people from candle.

So Jerry was ruining a generation’s eyes?
Yeah, and electric bills. And probably Jerry Seinfeld’s responsible for ruining the planet.

At the least. Possibly the tsunami in Japan, too.
(Laughs) Ruining the environment. It was all his fault. The sitcom was a coverup.

That’s a great cover up.
Wow. I mean what could over-shadow all the terrible light bulbs he introduced to the environment? I guess he’ll have to make the most popular sitcom of all time. And that’s why they did it.

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Indie Coffee App for the NYC Coffee Snob

Chicky — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 20:21:28 +0000

Starbucks? More like Starshmucks. New Yorkers drink more coffee in a day than I will in an entire lifetime. Which is crazy when you think about it. All that brown, caffeinated goodness that my thin, sexy lips will never know intimately. When you’re on this earth, addicted to a never-ending supply of coffee, you need to make sure you’re treating your addiction right. No good coke head wants to snort lines of talcum powder and laundry detergent mixed with a little cocaine. They want the good stuff. 100% genuine. Local. Fair trade. And served by dudes/chicks with gnarly tats.

That’s where this app comes into play. Called New York’s Best Coffee, it’ll help you find the small, artisan coffee shops that your pallet deserves. Treat yourself to a $3 cup of coffee from beans that retail from upwards of $30 a pound. There’s a reason Oregon Trailers once called coffee ‘liquid gold’. Because they thought if they ingested gold it would give them superpowers. They were a pretty stupid bunch.

/ If you live in London, San Fran, or Los Angeles, the company sells apps for you too!

// Laughinsquid

MM: Tanlines + Adult Swim = Righteous Music Video

Chicky — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 20:13:03 +0000

Hipster Jew band Tanlines, and 2012 SXSW participants, have put out a new music video for their song All of Me. Old people dancing? Sign me up, that’s my favorite hobby. Watching old people. Dance.

// Stereogum

Mayor Bloomberg Wants the Poor to Starve

The Duckman — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 20:21:43 +0000

New York City has banned all food donations to the poor. In an article on CBS New York, a donor explains how he can no long give out his extra cholent and bagels to the poor because they are not regulated by the city’s low sodium standards.

Um…

What?

Excuse me while I paraphrase. According to Bloomberg, it is more important to worry about what the poor are eating, instead of… you know… having them actually eat. So here is my question. If Bloomberg wants a pure city, one without high sodium and transfat. One that keeps you fit and healthy. Why is cheap, watered down beer still on sale throughout the city? I mean, its been zapped of all nutrients. Makes more people sick, and probably kills more people than high sodium. I mean, what gives. It seems like Bloomberg has some beef with the Morton Salt girl. Like, maybe they had this fling. Or at least he thought it was a fling. But she just ate his heart out. Poor guy. No wonder Mayor Bloomberg became a sodium nazi…

Old Jewish man poses with orange reality-TV Stars

Oneohtrix Point Never – HJs @ SXSW 2012

Chicky — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 23:55:39 +0000

Sweet beard. Seriously. I’m jealous. I’ve got a weak ‘stache.

Oneohtrix Point Never is Animal Collective approved, having been chosen by them to play All Tomorrow’s Parties in 2011. The brainchild of Brroklyn resident Daniel Lopatin (also of Ford and Lopatin, previously Games), listening to electronic/Ambient music will never be the same. Lopatin’s signature style feature vocals from old television commercials. A true liberal, Lopatin will do whatever is necessary to recycle. And sometimes he likes to end things on a Jewish note.

He even makes his own music videos, recycling dated children’s cartoons.

Catch Oneohtrix Point Never Thursday, March 15 from 1:00AM – 1:50AM at the Sony Club @ Red 7. Ride the ambiance.

Yael Kraus – HJs @ SXSW 2012

Chicky — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 19:39:33 +0000

Okay. Women can wear Tefillin only when they look sexy and it matches their outfit. Deal, Rabbis?

Every country needs their own Celine Dion. Their own Feist/Fiona Apple, if you will. Every country needs an alternative singer-songwriter so that Hipsters can compare their own alt singer/songwriter with the boring mainstream ones. Israeli has Yael Kraus.

Yael Kraus is another Israeli musician based out of NYC. (Don’t Mess with the Zohan proved that all Israelis in America live here.) She has worked with other Israeli musicians such as Balkan Beat Box (also attending SXSW 2012). Finally I can pine after a cute indie songwriter and dream of Hipster Jew babies without feeling any misplaced feelings of guilt.

Yael will be playing March 17th, 10pm at tenOak. And of course, she’ll be at the double-super-secret Tel Aviv beach party.