I only use stock photos when I hate the Jews. Because I even hate photography, a Jewish artform.
Some people have gotten upset over a Business Insider trolling article about Jews and why people hate the Jews. If you know someone Jewish, they’ve asked that same question to you numerous times. To the point where you probably grew to slowly hate them and their self-absorbed but annoyingly charming neuroticism. Sometimes they may have asked you, ‘why does ____ hate me and wont date me?‘ Or ‘why are Jews so persecuted and nothing every good happens to us.‘ If you are lucky, and they are mighty and honorable Israel defenders, you will even hear them ask ‘why does everyone hate Israel, and by hating Israel, thereby hate all the Jews everywhere ever?‘
These are all valid questions. People do hate the Jews, and obsessing over it is the only way that us Jews can overcome it. (Some of you may realize that persecution is what has kept Judaism as an assimilated and hated religion, along with hating converts and massive guilt for having values that differ from your great great great grandparents’ shtetl.)
But let’s get to the real issue here. I’m a selfish young man who doesn’t give a shit what some Yale-graduate CEO of Business Insider has to say about me and my religion. CEOs are all assholes. I would know, since I have just this moment pretended to take the title of ‘CEO, co-founder, and editor‘ of HipsterJew. Your welcome, tax collectors.
SO WHY THE FUCK DO I HATE THE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING JEWS?!?!?
It’s not because I think they are all clannish and arrogant, and have negative, xenophobic opinions about non-Jews, especially when they fall in love with their Jewish children. (Ever played the game ‘which goyish friend would hide me during The Holocaust #2‘? No? Then you’re probably a decent person. And not me.)
It’s not because Mark Zuckerberg is an archetype of a cheap uber-wealthy American Jew who can’t leave a tip because he’s the Scrooge McDuck of the internet. Or because Jewish men have a weird love for Asian women.
I hate the Jews because I am one of them. And I hate myself. Mostly because I’m a pathetic manorexic internet troll who expects to be famous. And not internet or reality tv famous, which is fleeting. That’s for shiksas and goyim who get knocked up or sleep around with the right B-list celebrity. I mean Hollywood Jew famous. Spielberg famous.
I hate the Jews because I will technically always be one. Most people are free to choose who or what they pray to, or what group they identify with. Jews can’t do that (technically). I will be Jewish until I die, even if I shame my mother 1,000,000 times over, tattoo my face, and become a neo-nazi. And even then I’ll only go to hell for like 11 months, tops.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hate the Jews because I am stuck being one, and Jewish ‘hell’ isn’t scary enough to instill the modest amount of love that most religious threats are supposed to instill. Oh, I’m also angry because we, as Jews, don’t even own ‘anxiety’ and neuroticism and we never have. We’ve just tricked everyone into thinking we do. Just like we trick people into liking us and letting us control banks and the NBA finals and stuff.