Archives For neuroticism

Why I hate ‘the Jews’

Chicky —  05/30/2012 —  Comments

I only use stock photos when I hate the Jews. Because I even hate photography, a Jewish artform.

Some people have gotten upset over a Business Insider trolling article about Jews and why people hate the Jews. If you know someone Jewish, they’ve asked that same question to you numerous times. To the point where you probably grew to slowly hate them and their self-absorbed but annoyingly charming neuroticism. Sometimes they may have asked you, ‘why does ____ hate me and wont date me?‘ Or ‘why are Jews so persecuted and nothing every good happens to us.‘ If you are lucky, and they are mighty and honorable Israel defenders, you will even hear them ask ‘why does everyone hate Israel, and by hating Israel, thereby hate all the Jews everywhere ever?

These are all valid questions. People do hate the Jews, and obsessing over it is the only way that us Jews can overcome it. (Some of you may realize that persecution is what has kept Judaism as an assimilated and hated religion, along with hating converts and massive guilt for having values that differ from your great great great grandparents’ shtetl.)

But let’s get to the real issue here. I’m a selfish young man who doesn’t give a shit what some Yale-graduate CEO of Business Insider has to say about me and my religion. CEOs are all assholes. I would know, since I have just this moment pretended to take the title of ‘CEO, co-founder, and editor‘ of HipsterJew. Your welcome, tax collectors.

SO WHY THE FUCK DO I HATE THE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING JEWS?!?!?

It’s not because I think they are all clannish and arrogant, and have negative, xenophobic opinions about non-Jews, especially when they fall in love with their Jewish children. (Ever played the game ‘which goyish friend would hide me during The Holocaust #2‘? No? Then you’re probably a decent person. And not me.)

It’s not because Mark Zuckerberg is an archetype of a cheap uber-wealthy American Jew who can’t leave a tip because he’s the Scrooge McDuck of the internet. Or because Jewish men have a weird love for Asian women.

I hate the Jews because I am one of them. And I hate myself. Mostly because I’m a pathetic manorexic internet troll who expects to be famous. And not internet or reality tv famous, which is fleeting. That’s for shiksas and goyim who get knocked up or sleep around with the right B-list celebrity. I mean Hollywood Jew famous. Spielberg famous.

I hate the Jews because I will technically always be one. Most people are free to choose who or what they pray to, or what group they identify with. Jews can’t do that (technically). I will be Jewish until I die, even if I shame my mother 1,000,000 times over, tattoo my face, and become a neo-nazi. And even then I’ll only go to hell for like 11 months, tops.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hate the Jews because I am stuck being one, and Jewish ‘hell’ isn’t scary enough to instill the modest amount of love that most religious threats are supposed to instill. Oh, I’m also angry because we, as Jews, don’t even own ‘anxiety’ and neuroticism and we never have. We’ve just tricked everyone into thinking we do. Just like we trick people into liking us and letting us control banks and the NBA finals and stuff.

 

Dear Hipster Jew, My girlfriend doesn’t believe in the Holocaust. Is it wrong that this turns me on?

-Neurotic and Confused

 

Dear Neurotic and Confused,

I’m not surprised. In fact, I almost expected this to happen. Like Larry David, you too are turned on by rejection. In one memorable episode Larry David was turned on by Palestinians, mainly because they refused to recognize his right to exist (well, Israel’s right to exist). Israel, the Holocaust, you can try to deny it but they are connected; in shame, rejection, and paranoia.

Maybe you’ve been rejected for decades and are stimulated by mental anguish and depression. Maybe you’re dating a neo-Nazi. Look, you didn’t give me enough details here, so I”m only guessing. Have you thought about seeing a shrink? Don’t. Your health plan doesn’t cover that. If you read this site you can’t afford a health plan, which is obviously why you came to us for advice.

So your girlfriend doesn’t believe in the Holocaust, huh? Does she believe in the female orgasm? Because statistically speaking, you are only allowed to deny one of those two and still be a mentally sound human being. If she believes in neither, cash out and find another woman who reminds you of the exact opposite of your mother. More importantly, does she enjoy role-playing in the bedroom? Specifically where the two of you are naughty incestuous Holocaust survivors (Californication Reference Alert!)? If so, she is a crazy bitch and you should leave immediately. Inconsistency, both inside and outside the bedroom, is key to a lasting relationship. If you don’t believe the Holocaust happened, you shouldn’t be able to use the Holocaust in your bedroom hijinks.

I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that Jews have been persecuted for thousands of years. It’s only natural that when someone denies an atrocity done to your people, it should turn you on. As long as she’s consistent with her genocide denials, she’s a keeper.

…Wait. This IS Woody Allen, right?

-Chicky

Have a pressing anonymous question that you need unpaid unprofessionals to answer? Can’t talk to your mother or your diary about it? Email us info {at} Hipsterjew {dot} com. We promise to not only answer your question, but give you insightful life lessons and — PFFF — sorry. Couldn’t keep a straight face. We promise to answer your question anonymously. That is all.

The Trivial Pursuit of Arthur Banks is an exclusive online show featured on AMC.com and Hulu.com

And The Trivial Pursuit of Arthur Banks (TTPAB) is the best new ‘show’ out there. And here is why:

1)  If you added the voiceover in Arrested Development, the high-brow literary references and jokes of Bored To Death, and the Jewish nothingness/neuroticism of Seinfeld, and you have created TTPAB.

2) The main character is ADAM GOLDBERG, aka THE HEBREW HAMMER, and he is a theater director who has several unfortunate relationships. Last time I remotely cared about a character he played was the spoiled Jewish coke-fiend movie-financier in Entourage. His acting in this show is Entourage X 1,000.

3) Jeffrey Tambor (George Bluth Sr. & Oscar in Arrested Development) plays Goldberg’s hilarious psychiatrist. Tambor is also a Jew, and also a former Scientologist. The Jew part is more important.

If you don’t believe me, watch the first episode (Entitled “I Pulled a Polanksi”….yep) below, and click here to see all the others.

So I did it the other day. I never thought I would gain the courage to do it. The grande cajones, if you will. It took me two years but I finally bought a $42 hoodie from American Apparel.

$42 for anything is expensive in my book. Clothing, music tix, hookers. I’m not saying I’m cheap, but there’s no need to take a cheap cultural shot here.

(Above: What I envision myself to look like when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window)

I’ve made a few neurotic self-defensive thoughts in the past 12 hours. It feels warm. It has a nice color. It looks good on me. It goes well with my hipster wardrobe and array of sports jackets.

Yet in the end, I knew I had to give into American Apparel. It’s just too hip, unisex, and middle-class for me to deny myself. And everyone knows there is nothing more American than the Middle Class.

-Charles