Archives For NBA

The Walkmen announced on Black Friday that they would be going on an indefinite hiatus. They played their last show in Philadelphia on December 4th. While three of the members have been working on solo albums, we were doomed to never see The Walkmen again.

I don’t think any of us wanted to write another Walkmen record. Maybe that will change down the line, maybe it won’t, maybe we’ll play shows. I think it’s weird to make a hubbub about something if there’s nothing to really make a hubbub about. At the same time, I don’t think we’ve been a gang properly for a long time, so there’s not much to break up, I guess.

alt-star-party-2014

A month later, The Walkmen have agreed to play an NBA All-Star Weekend party in New Orleans this February hilariously named “Alt-Star Party. This means that their extreme hiatus was almost shorter than Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries (swish three point shot for the basketball reference).

We thought it might take a lifetime to get us back together–til the Alt-Star Party gave us the nod. How could we stay on the bench? We’re coming 110%. Full-court press. Man to man. Rock n Roll, Pick n Roll.

I’m just happy to see that my favorite band doesn’t completely hate me to the point they won’t get together for a basketball game one more time.

nba-ref-jdate

Some people say online dating doesn’t work. Some people hate it. Those people are the ones that couldn’t find someone successful like… an NBA ref. Marat Kogut, A nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn, has found love on JDate and has plastered it all over NYC (or just Time Square). Cute… I guess… But please note to any girls I ever date, I don’t want to be on a billboard with you. And as for you JDate, please stop sending me 10 emails a day.

// Deadspin

“My name is 3. Not Dwyane” were the first words out of Dwyane Wade’s mouth when he stumbled drunkenly to the postgame press conference last night. He then continued to only answer questions under the name “three”, because his number was three and because he had three rings. He reminded the media that no matter how good Lebron is, he only has two. He then abruptly left the press room.That was the swag, that was the signal to us Heat fans that it was time it was time to turn to all you haters and tell you all to GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

I’ve been a heat fan my whole life, and this whole playoffs, really the whole last two years I’ve been playing a humble servant, talking about this great Heat team, saying to people “well sure the decision wasn’t great but the players are.” I’m not on the defensive anymore now. D-wade isn’t on the defensive anymore about his knee now. THE MIAMI HEAT ARE THE BEST TEAM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND YOU CAN ALL SUCK MY MIAMI-BORN DICK.

I’m gloating baby! And yes it’s unattractive! People saying Lebron is not clutch? Did you see that jumper with less than a minute left to clinch the game? D-wade has lost his step? That’s because his knees are tired from stepping all over Ginobili and Paul George in game 7’s where he had over 25 points in each. You don’t like Lebron? Don’t watch basketball for the next 10 years. You don’t like the Miami Heat? Don’t watch basketball for the next 5. Not one, not two…

The Miami Heat players then spent the entire night partying on South Beach with a cavalcade of celebrities. They were such ass holes, they didn’t let Drake into the locker room to party! Drake was so upset, he proclaimed “I’m Drake”, but it didn’t matter, they didn’t let him in. Don’t worry though Drake “turtle from Entouraged” himself into the party later, rapping for the guys on stage while they drunkenly and indifferently ate pizza.

They were public and proud with their championship. Too bad the San Antonio didn’t win, they could have raised a flag at the Alamo or something.

The Miami Heat are the best team in the world, Dwyane wade has three rings like other “decent” players like Larry Bird. Lebron James made Tony Parker look like all the players except the dog in the movie “Air Bud”. It’s over folks. Get on board, we’re gonna be here for a while. You wanna say we’re the Miami Lebrons? Or our fans suck? That our fans don’t stay until the end of games? I saw about a thousand people in Club Story last night celebrating the championship with Lebron and D-Wade around 6 am…so not only do our fans stay until the end…they stay 8 hours later to party! But you know, I’m sure OKC would been rocking until 7 am too because their fans are so veracious over at their biggest landmark, the dairy queen.

In conclusion. You can all go to hell. The heat are the champs. They are, the best in the world at what they do, and they are proclaiming it loudly, and I will too! You’re all jealous, and in you defense, I’d be jealous too. If I was not a heat fan my whole life, I’d be jealous too, but I’m not…cause my team won…and yours didn’t…and chances are your team won’t win again for a while and mine will.

The old Moniker for us Heat fans used to be #donthate, but now I think it should be #JustShutTheFuckUpAndGetLebronASandwich.

Done partying for now, I gotta get to work. Buying all this championship gear for years and years in a row gets expensive!

major-league-commissioners

Look at all those Jews getting Jewwy with Jew-Congress

Finally someone at the San Fransisco Chronicle nailed it. THE JEWS ARE RUINING XMAS…for freakishly large millionaires.

Hmmm. Wait. Maybe I’m missing something.

Deadspin reports that the writer Bruce Jenkins had this to say about Jewish commissar David Stern:

One of the most distasteful aspects of commissioner David Stern’s legacy – ruining Christmas for far too many people – comes into play again this year with five televised games scheduled. “It used to be two teams,” retired coach Phil Jackson said. “But I don’t think anybody should play on Christmas Day. Your little kids are putting batteries in their new toys, all kinds of family stuff going on, and now you’re supposed to get focused on a game in the middle of the afternoon?”

Jackson is among many observers who point out the obvious: that Stern, who celebrates Hanukkah, has no real feel for Christmas in the first place.

Oddly, this incriminating part of the post has since been deleted.

But I understand the logic. NFL plays football on Thanksgiving because the Jews hate America.
What? He’s NOT Jewish?

Huh. Alright. Well Baseball plays 162 games because Bud Selig needs more $$$ because he’s Jewish. Aaaaand the NHL hasn’t worked out a contract this season because Gary Bettman is Jewish and he looooooves $$$$$.

Jews: We control the media, American politics, the banks, and American sports. And we’re petty the entire time we’re doing it.

Your welcome Bruce Jenkins. I finished your thought for you.

It’s nice to see religious Jews heckling and being part of the sports atmosphere. Even though I’m rooting for the Celtics and Doc Rivers I can still respect that they’ll talk trash in the great city of Brooklyn.

//Barstool Boston

Look at all the fucks Stern doesn't give
I have said before that David Stern is the most powerful man in sports.

No one has control over their league quite like Stern which is why rumors of coaxing the referees to get more marketable match-ups in the Finals and rigging the NBA Lottery to get future stars to desirable destinations have followed him for years. No one ever says these things about Gary Bettman or Bud Selig because no one thinks anyone listens to those jerks if they try to manipulate things.

Jim Rome brought up the rigged lottery issue and was met with a Stern retort of “Have you stopped beating your wife yet?”

Deadspin has the audio clip.

Of course Stern isn’t actually implying Rome beat his wife, he’s just implying that Rome is asking a leading question.
I can’t imagine any other commissioner making his point in such a cutting way. David Stern does not take any shit, especially not from a dipshit like Rome.

Of course, maybe Stern should have taken a page from Bryce Harper and responded with “Clown question, Rome.”


 

The seemingly endless NBA playoffs are nearing and end and the Finals between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Miami Heat is slated to start Tuesday night.

Odds are if you reading this you don’t really have a favorite team to root for in this matchup. Not because you aren’t huge hoop fans (though that may certainly be the cause) but because there are only two teams and the odds are always in the favor of someone not having their favorite franchise in the finals.

But you kind of need someone to root for, right? Makes the game a lot more interesting. So I’m here o give you some background if you haven’t been paying attention and help you decide and appear knowledgeable in front of some sports bros.

First because this is Jewish blog, let’s take a look a the key kosher matchups in the series…oh. Neither Jordan Farmar nor Omri Casspi are on these teams. (Nor Amare…I guess)

Moving on…

At first glance this seems like a pretty straightforward choice. You’re either for LeBron or you’re against him. If that’s the case you know you’re going to root for the Thunder.

Regardless the Thunder are the more likeable team almost anyway you slice it. They’re younger, with homegrown talent like Kevin Durant, Russel Westbrook and Serge Ibaka, and from a relatively small market. Durant presents himself as a nice humble man who has the decency to limit his tattoos to the portion of is body hidden by his jersey. They will likely go into the series the underdog by most measures. Despite the fact that most people are probably hoping they beat the Heat. (Apologies for the rhyming)

And why do people want the Heat to lose? Because they’re a superstar team put together through player’s egos and behind the scenes manipulation of free agency and trades. Instead of letting the general managers of the league dictate where they play and who they play with Lebron, Wade, and Bosh decided that they were sick of doing it alone in Toronto and Cleveland. Basically, old white people are mad that young black men upset the system.

Well, that and Lebron’s massive ego causing him to create a TV spectacular where he told his home town to go fuck itself.

Other things to consider:

1. The Heat often play ugly basketball where they just dribble around until either Wade or Lebron decide to jack up and awful three or charge at the basket hoping to be fouled. The Thunder play a more team oriented ball that frequently devolves into Durant passing to Westbrook and Westbrook dribbling around until he decides to jack up an awful three or charge at the basket hoping to be fouled.

2. Chris Bosh is weird and unlikeable.

3. Chris Bosh is so weird his is kind of likeable

4. Kendrick Perkins is a complete asshole. (This is both a pro and a con for Thunder)

Really the only black mark on the OKC Thunder is the fact that they fucking stole their team from Seattle. The team was reportedly bought with some owners intending to move the team to OKC all along without disclousing that information to Seattle or the NBA. They sued to get out of their arena lease two years early. Mainly because Seattle was logical and fiscally responsible in refusing to publicly fund a $500 million stadium.

However, that is a pretty big black mark. Not cool OKC.

Prediction: Miami over OKC in 6 games. Sadness in Seattle.

This a video of Red Auerbach explaining what flops are and why they are terrible…in the 1970’s. [Ed note: Auerbach was the original flop-hater]

He was trying to nip this BS in the bud.

However, despite his best efforts he obviously failed in his efforts to keep out the fake fouls.

The fact that LeBron James had never fouled out of a playoff game before this past game 4 against the Celtics is unbelievable. Not unbelievable as in it’s an incredible feat. Unbelievable in the literal sense in that it should be impossible to play in 107 playoff games prior to game 4, average 43 minutes a game, and never pick up 6 fouls.

Some more unbelievable numbers: In 108 career playoff games, Lebron has been called for just 260 fouls, an average of 2.4 per game. Over that same time he has taken 1118 free throws, an average of 10.3 per game, or essentially drawing five shooting fouls per game.*

Now before you say it’s just a result of Lebron being bigger, stronger, and faster than everyone else and the fact the The Miami Heat’s strategy seems to be to dribble around for 15 seconds before driving to the hoop and flailing around looking for calls, let’s do some comparisons.

Shaquille O’Neal, in 216 career playoff games, attempted 2317 free throws, an average of 10.7 per game. Similar to Lebron’s average, even though Shaq was literally unstoppable in his prime and his awful free throw shooting made “hack-a-Shaq” a legit strategy on defense. Shaq also was called for an average of 3.6 personal fouls per game.

Now let’s take a look at Shaq’s former running mate Kobe Bryant: 220 games, 1617 free throws, 7.4 fts per game. 3 personal fouls per game.

And how about Michael Jordon? 179 games, 1766 free throws, 9.8 fts per game and 3 personal fouls per game.

So what we learned is Lebron is getting fouled at a pretty incredible rate, especially considering he isn’t such a bad free-throw shooter, you’d expect teams would be purposely doing it. And he is getting called for fouls at an unbelievably low rate.

“Let’s not hurt the game,” barks Auerbach at the end of his tutorial, which is really some advice that David Stern should take to heart. When game stories become about the refs, flopping and superstars getting the calls, you’re doing something wrong.

*Stats in this post do not reflect Game 5 of the Heat Celtics series

Also, to apologize for the number heavy, humor light post, here is solidly entertaining and funny parody of Niggas in Paris called Flop So Hard. It makes fun of flopping in the NBA. Get it?


The main thing people seem to be talking about in this story  is the fact that DeShawn Stevenson has an ATM in his house and that he charges his friends $4.50 to use the thing.

That makes him a little weird, and kind of a jerk. I mean, I get mad when ATM’s have a $1.50 and that’s just some faceless multinational bank ripping me off, but I’d be even more pissed if my good buddy from the Brooklyn Nets is the guy picking my pockets.

But let’s talk about what Stevenson is wearing. If you’ve watched any NBA games lately you may have noticed the growing number of players co-opting some hipster fashion staples. It seems like every player during All Star weekend, from LeBron James, to Kevin Durant, to Dwight Howard, were wearing thick black rimmed glasses (with no lenses of course).

Everyone seems to be wearing sweaters. Or bow ties. Look at Stevenson rocking the thick glasses, bow tie, and funky hat. Not to mention whatever the hell is going on with his tight capris/high socks combo down below.

He even has a unruly homeless man beard.

So yeah, we can all talk about how he’s kind of a dick for making Deron Williams (or whoever he’s friends with) pay $4.50 every time they need to hit the club, but if that cash is going to keep him dressed like this we can all agree to let it slide.

Oh, and I’m not even going to mention how the story came about through his Instagram account and a retro-filtered picture with a shitty border.

Hitting the Links

The Duckman —  04/23/2012 —  Comments

Old Golfers

Flyers Defenseman, Nicklas Grossman, wo recently revealed his name is actually Nicklas Grossmann, is out with a concussion. He was one of two Jewish players in this years NHL Stanley Cup Finals. // Washington Post

The man formally known as Ron Artest, Metta World Peace, is awaiting a disciplinary hearing for hit elbow to the head of James Harden. The irony is inspiring us. We’ve decided to change our blog name to Meta Hipster Jew and will solely talk about pork products. // USA Today

Fake Jew Amare Stoudemire came back Friday after almost a month out for a back injury. Although I hate the Knicks, Im sure someone will enjoy this… // ESPN NY

Kevin Youkilis was been called out by Manager Bobby Valentine for his attrocious performance in the first month of baseball. Red Sox Nation is in outrage that someone else besides them called out Youkilis for playing like shit. // ESPN Boston

If you have sports links, send them to theduckman{at}hipsterjew{dot}com