Hipster Jew » Movies

Woody Allen Finally Makes A Movie About Neurotic Americans in a European Country

Alex - Resident Goy Writer — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 15:21:08 +0000

If there’s one geographical place that we associate with Woody Allen, it’s New York City. This is a guy who can’t be asked to pick up his own Oscar statue because he’s too busy in NYC, unless of course he’s asked to talk about New York, in which case, he’s on the first plane.

Of course, in recent years, Woody’s movies have veered away from New York, instead traveling across the Atlantic. More than that, they’ve frequently cast someone other than Woody Allen as the lead, although these people are frequently just cyphers for Woody Allen. Think of the Woody neurosis embodied by the Americans cast adrift in foreign lands in his most recent spate of comedies: Owen Wilson in Midnight in Paris, Rebecca Hall in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and, of course, Scarlett Johansson in the best comedy he ever wrote, Match Point.

I was trying to find a still of something morose happening, but this poster actually makes it look like it could have been a romantic comedy.

Naturally, what we’ve all been crying out for is for the totally unexpected casting of Woody Allen to star in a Woody Allen movie about a Woody Allen-like character overseas, and Woody has heard our pleas and penned and directed a new comedy To Rome With Love. It looks like it’s going to be an ensemble piece, split into four vignettes, so Woody’s only technically 1/4th of the lead, sharing those duties with Roberto Benigni (who you may remember from the heart breaking La Bella Vita) as an Italian man who suddenly becomes famous, Penelope Cruz as a hooker who seems to enjoy her work, and Alec Baldwin as the father of Jesse Eisenberg, who I assume will continue to be his pale imitation of a young Woody Allen, as he has been in every single movie he’s ever made, falling for Ellen Page. The full trailer is below:

P.S. Guess what? This trailer comes prepackaged with negative criticism about the movie, even though it hasn’t come out yet. Thanks, Internet!

Summer is here, bring on the Drive-In

Chicky — Thu, 26 May 2011 19:30:48 +0000

I love drive-ins. Anyone who disagrees with me is a damned fool. Sure, going to a theater with air conditioning, abrasive teens, and over-sized Americans can be fun. But not like drive-ins.

The only way to watch The Ten Commandments

Drive-ins are a summer ritual. They are reserved for that time of year when life is fun, responsibilities are minimal, and beer floweth. Drive-ins are where 56% of Americans got their first handjo’s. Imagine for one second. It’s a balmy 70 degree evening. You and your 5 best buddies jump into a mini-van and head over to see a double feature at your local drive-in. It costs like 4 bucks a person. For 2 movies. You watch one movie that kinda sucks a little (too mainstream/serious/cliche action movie) and one movie that’s pretty awesome (comedy/animated movie/nostalgically cliche action movie).

Even during the sucky movie, you are entertained. It’s a lot like watching FX at home. You are drinking some PBR, eating Dominoes and/or Doritos, and making as many inappropriate and rude jokes about the movie as possible. Because cinema, like literature, is meant to be enjoyed in a social setting.

There is nothing I hate more than going to movies with people that don’t like to talk or crack a joke here and there. If cinema is meant to be a representation of life, then it should not be taken seriously. Laugh a little, talk a little, make some memories. It’s why I prefer the informal setting of the drive-in.

Porno-turned-regular-drive-in @ Rhode Island

It’s the End of the World as We know It

Schlitz Lipz — Thu, 19 May 2011 18:40:40 +0000

Readers, I have some good news, and some bad news.

The good news is that Natalie Portman’s baby is popping out of her uterus soon. Hopefully it doesn’t go down in a Wal-Mart because then it would be the trashiest birth ever by a gorgeous Jewish celebrity. As Natalie is a gorgeous, awesome, super talented, JILF, we can only assume her baby will be the same way. I only hope that her son/daughter does not mind marrying young and we can begin the betrothal process to my own unborn Lilly Olivia/Nathaniel Jacob. In conclusion, “YAY!!!!”. Natalie’s having a baby which will be just as beautiful and talented as she.

Look at that Gorgeous Baby Bump!

The bad news is…I’m sorry, its hard to write this because I’m sobbing so mindlessly the tears are drowning my keyboard. SHE’S LEAVING ACTING FOREVER!!! Or at least until her stupid baby is old enough. Yep. Natalie’s going all ortho on us and is being a stay at home mom so she can be really involved in her boring ol’ progeny’s life.

I get it Natalie, you really like Audrey Hepburn and want to be a stay at home madre just like she was. BUT Audrey lived in a different time when people were scared to have nannies from foreign countries. The country has been globalized and your fiance is French. Get with the times.

I don’t know what I will do without my 2 to 3 Natalie movies per year. I worry life will have no meaning.

Charlie Sheen Makes Everything Groovy

The Coach — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 18:08:34 +0000

According to my sources (my sources being The Onion AV Club) Charlie Sheen had a Major League viewing party with current and former major leaguers like Todd Zeile, Kenny Lofton and Brian Wilson (This is the fat bearded Brian Wilson from the Giants, not the fat , bearded Wilson from the Beach Boys). Oh to be a fly on the wall there.

Charlie Sheen could make watching anything fun. I’d come to his house an watch something shitty like “Good Advice” or even “Major League II”.

Mr. Sheen…you make my heart sing!

So when I hear he got together to watch the second best baseball movie of all time, (#1 is Bad News Bears) Major League I just instantly feel jealous. Watching “Major League” with Charlie Sheen is now a life goal of mine, something I really need get on since Sheen will probably be dead before 50.

In all seriousness, Major League is my 2nd favorite baseball movie. Field of Dreams is boring as shit and has barely any baseball. Bull Durham is the most overrated baseball movie that underutilized the awesome Tim Robbins to allow Kevin Costner’s dumb ass to spout an, inane, borderline batshit crazy monologue that everyone loves despite the fact that it basically stops the movie dead and is something that never would happen in real life. Plus am I really supposed to care about the relationship between a minor league catcher and old baseball whore?

In conclusion Major League rules, Kevin Costner sucks and there ain’t no party like a Charlie Sheen party because a Charlie Sheen party has tons of coke and porn stars…plus Pete Rose.

The Jewish Mafia (on Film!)

Alex - Resident Goy Writer — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 21:30:56 +0000

The Oscars are over (and long gone, but when I started writing it, this post was a lot more topical), but movie-making isn’t. So it’s time once again to discuss that old matter of how the Jews control Hollywood and film making in general.

Steven Spielberg. Roman Polanksi. The Wiensteins. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. Paul Newman (half). Adam Goldberg (aka the guy who gets stabbed in Saving Private Ryan). Woody Allen. Judd Apatow. Mel Brooks. Sidney Lumet. Alan Arkin. Stanley Kubrick. The Coen Brothers. David Mamet. Who knows how many producers. The list is virtually endless.

With this many people of one religious background involved in the creation of what is arguably the most popular storytelling medium of the modern world, you’d think we’d all celebrate Yom Kippur (or at least know what it’s about) and be able to tell you all about what a great guy Moses was. But we don’t. Actually, for the most part, Jewish filmmakers have spent most of their time making movies that aren’t about Jewish people (although, it would appear that they’re obligated to do at least one each in their careers).

Nowhere is this more apparent than in the gangster flick genre. The list of films about Italian organized crime is a long one, encompassing a great deal of Martin Scorcese’s career, owning the early 30s and 40s in filmmaking, and then turning Pacino and DeNiro into stars.

But did you know there were Jewish mobsters? And that they were some of the most powerful players in organized crime?

They basically corporatized the hell out of criminal enterprises, taking the Italian model of “trust only Italians, preferably those with family connections” and replacing it with a Board of Directors set-up. They even ran a tight ship for their enforcement/hitman operation, which the media dubbed “Murder, Inc.” Imagine those business cards: “Vice-President for Extortion – Murder, Inc.”

This is one business card no one loses

One would think with all these Jewish movie people running around, and the intense popularity with crime films, we’d get a film about a mafia that didn’t conduct business on the Sabbath.

Funnily enough, that doesn’t seem to have happened. In fact, the story of Jewish crime has been mostly told by the Gentiles. The Coen Brothers could’ve had a shot, in Miller’s Crossing, but instead they made their main character the Irish Gabriel Byrne (by the way, Miller’s Crossing is a great movie, I’m not putting that down).

The movies we’re left with portraying Jewish crime are a grab-bag. Most recently we’ve got Ben Kingsley character “The Rabbi” in Lucky Number Slevin. Kingsley, of course, is not actually Jewish, though he is a ‘Movie Jew’ (spoiler: next week’s phrase). Besides Slevin, he’s been Jewish in Schindler’s List, Elegy, Moses, and lastly, Bugsy.

Bugsy is an interesting film, in that it’s the biopic of famed Jewish gangster and “Father of Las Vegas” Bugsy Siegel, who actually worked for the aforementioned Murder, Inc. However, he is played by Warren Beatty. On a hunch, I thought maybe Mr. Beatty had changed his name from something to hide his ethnic identity, and I learned he had. He was born Henry Warren Beatty. So, while that’s not definitive proof of Hebrewness, it’s pretty darn close, in my opinion.

There are two other movies where Jewish gangsters actually star as main characters, as in Bugsy. They are Sergio Leone’s Once Upon a Time in America and Martin Scorsese’s Casino. Both star…drum roll if you please…Robert De Niro! Maybe it’s something about Italian directors liking to work with Italian actors, but this strikes me as odd. Nothing about De Niro strikes me in particular as Jewish looking.

Well, actually, now that I look again, he kinda reminds me of Mel Brooks

You know how when some big Hollywood director goes and films a movie in a different country, and he hires people of a specific background to add authenticity? Why don’t they do that for these movies? Whenever they do an Italian crime movie, all the actors are Italian. There are over five million Jewish people living in the United States today. You’re telling me you can’t find enough guys to act as gangsters? Unbelievable.

Watch me boost HBO sales in one post

The Duckman — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 20:26:46 +0000

You might have realized in passing that all of your girlfriends have a huge crush on Zooey Deschanel. Every time Zooey is in a movie, they calmly exclaim that they are going to see it, probably opening night. You just nod and smile thinking about how much you would rather be banging the great Zooey Deschenel.

Facebook Zooeyganger

Facebook and its week long doppelganger fad have shown me that girls don’t actually like Zooey’s acting or her music. They are gay for Zooey. Full out Lesbos and It all makes sense. She is a horrible actress. If you stop undressing her with your eyes and watch her interact with other characters, you will walk out of the theater. And She & Him? I dare you to listen Boris before you listen to She & Him.

The movies, the music, it’s all bought up by people because they wish they were banging Zooey. HBO knows this. The honorable Zooey Deschanel is going to play a groupie in I’m With the Band‘s tv pilot. That’s right.

Zooey = Groupie = Sex = Viewers = $$

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