Archives For manhattan

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Please stop painting your nails. Anything you ever do will just be an embarrassment compared to what the wonderful people at Vol.1 Brooklyn found. Paint them red, Paint them green. You’re still just a amateur.

Adam Sandler, we hardly knew ye. And by that, I mean we used to love you and have since pulled our hair out as you’ve slowly sold yourself to the highest bidder. We know you’re better at making movies – you did it in Funny People (even if most people complained about how long it was).

Sandler is a son of Brooklyn, so just sit back and appreciate his Sandler rendition of Hallelujah: Hurricane Sandy edition.

Make sure to donate money! Just text your credit card number to my cell phone and I’ll donate $10 for you.

Adam Sandler is the best non-frat Jewish frat boy. Maybe after this he’ll host E! The Soup?

I’m just glad to see Sandler is back to his 1998 form.

Don’t know if you heard the news. Barcade is opening up a new NYC location in 2013. They started in Williamsburg in 2004 with a simple, yet elegant premise: Be the non-douchey Dave and Busters. The one without kids, bright blinking lights, and tickets that have as much value as Malaysian currency. This involved bringing craft beers, dimly lit industrial spaces, and 25 cent classic (can I say vintage or will I sound too pretentious?) arcade games. In essence, they created the Hipster wet dream.

Since 2004 Barcade has opened up locations in Philadelphia and Jersey City. They’re not done yet. Now they’re looking to move to the least Hipster Borough in NYC: Manhattan. No one knows where it will be, exactly. But I’ll bet my quarters that it will be expensive and filled to the brim with tourists looking for a ‘quaint NYC experience’.

This year it spreads to more of NYC, like a large squid monster with a thirst for major metropolitan areas. Next year will they be franchising and competing with Dave and Busters, Chuck E Cheese, and other reputable gaming locations? Or will they keep the brand safe and snug. Time will tell.

Louis CK, showing his respect for Woody Allen by hiring his film editor in the 80s and 90s. Particularly Manhattan. In case you’ve seen too many Woody Allen movies and can’t remember which one that is, it’s the one that begins with black and white scenes of NYC, while Woody Allen voices over his attempts at beginning a novel. And there’s some jazz playing. Oh, and it hints at Woody’s future and love of teenage girls. As always, Louis CK is almost as NY as Woody. Biggest compliment I could give.

What is going on in NYC? Are they required to have tv celebrities with tv personalities exist in the real world, mind-fucking everyone into a blank stare of warped reality?

I’ll give the Central Park Conservancy this much credit: They’ve got balls. Grande balls. Calling up Aziz Ansari early in the morning. Asking him to do MANUAL LABOR, like some sort of non-celebrity landscaper. All for some weird misguided publicity.NEWSFLASH: No one cares about Central Park. Just shush and continue to cut the grass. That’s your job. Thanks.

More credit goes to Aziz. He must have thought this was fucking hilarious. Why else would he agree to lose sleep over this? He’s probably hungover. But damn does his jacket look good on him. He’s so funny he’s funny when he’s not even trying to be funny! Just like his character in Parks and Rec!

// Laughspin

Fact: Hipsters love bikes. Fact: most of the bikes hipsters love are fixed-gear, or “fixies.” Fact: Even though most of us don’t understand them, hipsters love statistics. Especially HJs. How are we going to rule the world if we don’t understand our demographic?

Even if you suck at stats, this will be easy to understand: Manhattan is more hip than Brooklyn, and Orange County is more hip than San Francisco AND Portland.

Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the numbers.

According to the Priceonomics blog, which tracked fixie sales per capita, fixies are almost twice as popular in Manhattan than they are in Brooklyn. According to the post, “There are more bikes offered for sale in Brooklyn than Manhattan, but only 8.3% of them are fixies versus 9.5% in Manhattan.”

This data was then accrued for all US cities. Turns out, fixies are more than twice as popular in Orange County than they are in San Francisco! And where is Portland on the list? 14th. I know Portlandia is all you’ve been watching, oh naive HJ, but maybe The O.C. is more your speed.

There’s more info in the blog about regional bike culture in general, but who cares? Bikes with gear shifts are so 2007.

I believe Priceonomics sums it up best:

Despite our best efforts to paint Portland as a bunch of hipster bike snobs, the data simply does not support such a conclusion. The people of Portland just seem to really like bicycles, but not ones that are particularly expensive or difficult to pedal up hills. The same goes for the denizens of Brooklyn, who aren’t the fixie-fanatics they’re made out to be. It seems that  American cities that are growing and highly educated tend to have thriving bicycle communities. Perhaps it is because these cities fill its inhabitants with a sense of adventure and optimism to try alternative forms of transportation. Or perhaps in these cities, parking is a pain in the ass.

Do not fret, dear HJs. Ride on. And good luck finding cheap rent in Orange County. It’s definitely where old people go to retire.(Incidentally, the least hipster town in America, according to bike sales, is Allentown, PA. Suck it, Amanda Seyfried.)

The main island in NYC had it’s moments. Art museums, the lower east side, Kosher Delis. But there are also lots of reasons to stay the hell away from there. The ghosts of Wall Street, foreign people, Woody Allen (if you are under the age of 20).

Now there is another reason to avoid Manhattan like an old exgirlfriend: Central Park. Besides for the usual dose of muggings, fake Rollexxxes, and rapes, we can add something new to that list: Trees that murder people.

That’s right. Twice this year, falling branches in Murder Park have seriously hurt and killed people. In fact, just yesterday a 6-month old baby died from a falling tree branch. Even the one ‘green space’ in that cesspool of crime and corruption is turning into Murderville, USA. Maybe Mark Wahlberg was right when he filmed The Happening.

This is why all good people live in tree-scarce, Woody-Allen-free Brooklyn.

Remember: In Manhattan, even your dog may try to kill you.