So this morning my mom brought me something that was a real treat for me. Something I truly love. Empanadas. The best way to explain my love for empanadas is via Mack’s statement from Always Sunny in Philadelphia: “Why don’t people eat these everyday??”…right before plunging a needle of insulin into his protruding stomach. Needless to say, we share the same ideals.

But as I run forward, as ecstatic as a fat kid receiving candy, I was shocked to find them to be not what I was expecting. Ham and cheese empanadas. HAM AND CHEESE?!?! As a woman who insisted I be raised as Jewish as possible (Hebrew school after public school for the entirety of my middle school years and Woody Allen films/Seinfeld up the Ying yang) she really didn’t understand my confusion. She also tends to forget the only meat I eat is seafood and the occasional turkey dog, but I suppose that’s normal in parents, to forget things about their children.

I felt mocked…betrayed even. Not by my mother, who was merely attempting a sweet gesture after I finally got a part-time job. No, I felt betrayed by being caught between a rock and a hard place in my own head. Dare I displease the Hebrew God further by partaking on the sweetest of meats? I mean, I’ve already broken enough of the rules what with my love of shellfish (if you don’t know what’s kosher, Wikipedia that junk. It’s crazy what we aren’t suppose to eat) and I’ve had enough chicken Parmesan to last me a lifetime of the kosher no-nos. So why did pork feel like the line I shouldn’t be crossing? It was no less bad as eating meat w/ cheese or every variety of sea-life. I technically wasn’t even Bat mitzvah-ed. And since my little sister’s desire to pursue Catholicism (Jesus Christ [pun!] was mom upset) we’ve mellowed down in the truly Jewish activities. Except for the holidays, but even they have lost their zing. PLUS, I REALLY LOVE EMPANADAS.

So I stood there for a solid good ten seconds contemplating. I wasn’t Kosher, yet I still felt wrong for wanting to eat the ham/cheese empanada. Maybe it was that nightmare I had a mere week ago about the severed pig’s head swearing and yelling at me?? It was extremely abrasive for a dismembered head…

In the end, I left the empanadas there. Not out of guilt or shame or some other neurotic reasoning in my head, which would have made sense. But because I’m a creature of habit. I’d gone this long without red meat and pork in my life… what’s another couple of years. That’s all we really are when it comes down to it. Creatures of habit. Besides, if I ever did slipup up on the pork issue, there’s always Yom kippur. Forgive me oh lord.

I’ve been a vegetarian for years. I care about living creatures, and I need an easy excuse to complain about restaurants and other people’s meals. So I’ve eaten my share of fake meats, including fake bacon. And it was delicious.

But today something occurred to me. I wanted to call a Rabbi and hold shenanigans against him. Why would fake bacon be Kosher? Unlike other fake meats, which are made for health reasons/ because kosher meat is a fucking scam, bacon will never be Kosher. If it tastes like bacon, why not just serve the real deal or ban substitutes?

Here is my logic behind it:

1) Pig is as non-Kosher as you can get.
2) Bacon is awesome (so I’ve heard…)
3) Judaism, in the past 300 years, has emphasized strong restrictions on ‘not even touching gruel that may be considered less than 150% Kosher
4) Many Orthodox Jews believe you can’t eat rice and other good food on Passover because 500 years ago some ignorant fucks may have confused it for grain flour. Which is against the laws of Passover.
5) So therefore FAKE BACON SHOULD = NOT KOSHER

I’m just looking for consistency in my religion. I don’t want to be a vegetarian eating fake bacon one day, and having unprotected sex with shiksas in a pile of money and bacon grease the next. So obviously we should be banning fake pig products (except for ham, which comes from some other ‘magical’ animal), so that I won’t one day be tricked by some terrible goy into eating real, juicy, succulent bacon.

I’m just looking out for my fellow Jews, I promise.

It's not matzah, it's Crunchy Bread!

It’s easy to make, organic, fair trade, shade grown, and its preparation can be adapted to whatever the latest in food PC may be.  All I need is some money to back my scheme, and an oven to cook it in (mom doesn’t let me use hers).  If you want to invest in this idea, leave a comment with your bank account number and my Nigerian business partner will contact you with details.  Who wants some Crunchy Bread?

Note:  Do not EVER provide your bank account number to anyone on the internet.

Have no fear, for this wonderfully Jewish pamphlet is here!

Do you think he meant to drop that pizza on the floor? Because I think he did it on purpose.

I also bet Borat lost a bet and that’s why he had to do this video, playing ‘Pizza Worker #1′. Will $5 get me a slice and a mustache ride?

Uncle Moishey has sure got the clothing ensemble all taken care of. Pilgrim hat? Check. Pedo glasses? Check. Original 1980s shirt with felt letters spelling out your outrageous name? Check mate.

Thank God for Hollywood, because this is all little Jewish kids had back in the 80s.

Small little animals, possibly dinosaurs, live in New York water. If you hold it up to the light, and then hold it up to a microscope, you might be able to see little Diacyclops thomasi, along with some Mesocyclops edax and Skistodiaptomus pygmaeus. I dont give a fuck if they are crustaceans or give you magic powers. I dont think I could ever put Mesocyclops edax in my stomach. Have you seen that shit? It’s gross. I think it looks something like this:

But for real. Whether you eat kosher or not, its always best to filter that shit. Practice safe water drinking. Wrap your wang before you bang.

Employment Before Jail

I’ve done him the favor of creating a step-by-step plan to bring himself to his former greatness.

Employment after

Step 1: Work at a Kosher pizza joint in Baltimore (B-More) called Tov Pizza (meaning ‘good’).
Step 2: By working at a legitimate establishment that has a positive name, use this to better oneself in eyes of God. And the public.
Step 3: Scam old Jewish customers out of $3.50. Why that exact amount? Don’t ask.
Step 4: Use scam earnings to buy expensive clothes.
Step 5: Look smart and attract/marry a nice, rich, Jewish girl.

Coincidence may point out that this list is the same list I carry with me in my back pocket. The same list that will make me a multi-millionaire trophy husband. Well I’m being generous and letting Jack use this one. Because this plan is fail-proof, and the man deserves a break for once.

I don’t know how much they paid to hire a fat Samuel L. Jackson doppleganger. Or the Jewish-looking, skinnier John Travolta. Although his voice impression is pretty spot on.

And as much as you may want to dislike McDonald for their transglobal corporatism, their advertising is sure effective. The ‘McShwarma‘? Greatest Middle Eastern/American fusion cuisine name I’ve ever heard of.

(Brought to you once again by Greg Y.)

This leads to the inevitable question: What has happened to Delis popularity, and do Jews still actively live and eat in NYC?

I was fortunate enough a few weeks back to find myself in Manhattan, and happened to end up with a friend at a deli. Let me tell you, we brought the average age of that establishment down to about 76. Which is impressive. It seems like every ancient Jew left in the city was eating with false teeth there.

Therefore, I have come to one final conclusion. Florida is destroying New York’s deli population. Think about it. In the past, successful elderly Jewish doctors retired to the upper west side and thoroughly enjoyed their daily pastrami on rye. Now they move to Florida, where at best they can buy a stale bagel with some mediocre coffee. In America we lose our Jewish values, and sunshine > good chopped liver.

Florida, I hope you go to hell. New York delis such as Katz’s Deli are as timeless as Charlie Chaplin. It’s one of the many reasons I call New York ‘Jew York’. Don’t take that away from me.

As their article explains,

Each year, Jews are encouraged to remember leaving Egypt as if it had happened to them. Thus many JYAs, including those of the laxest possible faith, spend the Passover week carrying around a box of kosher for Passover matzo, dramatically refusing pizza and sandwiches saying, “Sorry dude, I’m keeping kosher for Passover.” To a Non-Jew, this phenomenon is roughly equivalent to Christian girls of loose morals giving up fellatio for Lent.

We couldn’t agree more. You can read the entire glorious, fine-crafted article here. The best part? For a whole 7 days every year (and the 7 days before that if you really wanna kvetch and push your luck) we can guilt the crap out of our Non-Jewish friends and make them feel sympathetic for our archaic, persecuted traditions. But be careful and make sure the Matzoh isn’t counterfeit. Or had baby Christian blood in it.