Last week a picture of Jon Stewart was unearthed. It showed him, fresh-faced and youthful, rocking out to a Dead Kennedy’s concert in the 1980s. There was just one problem. While the face looked a bit like Jon Stewart, it was in fact the bassist from a separate punk band.

Jon Stewart is our generation’s cultural hero. We revere him. In no uncertain terms.

We love Jon Stewart so much that we want to see him in places he doesn’t exist. We want to see him at Virginia punk shows in the 80s. We want to see his face on crusty pieces of toast. And on mold stains in crumbling houses. We want him to live out our own fantasies of him: As a youthful punk-rock-rebel fighting the zeitgeist, who has never traded in his ideals for fame or fortune, all the while maintaining a level of mainstream success. We want to believe that his chutzpah was engrained in him from an early age. We want to see Jon Stewart as infallible. But he’s not.

This explains why, when Jezebel uncovered a ‘scandal’ about Jon Stewart’s supposed sexism, people fell into 1 of 2 camps. They either denied it outright, or they made excuses. We didn’t want to believe that Jon Stewart would be involved in an institution which still propagated sexism. We wanted to see Jon as the defender of all that is disenfranchised and holy. We wanted him to remain pure, in a world full of political and economic selfishness.

Now while I don’t believe Jezebel’s story to be accurate, I do believe that their mud-slinging exposed just how strong our one-sided love affair is with Jon Stewart. And as long as he continues to do no wrong, I don’t see why it shouldn’t continue. But just to be on the safe side, always keep this in mind:

He’s not trying to send you a hilarious zinger about Mitt Romney via your alphabet soup.

Our youthful generation (16-35) is obsessed with pop culture. As a country full of narcissistic, overweight, and reality-tv driven, we all would readily sell our souls to be on Big Brother. We want to be famous, to rub elbows with the decadent and snobbish. We want the feeling of being recognized in the street by strangers. But that doesn’t mean we want us, or our pop culture icons, to be overly Jewish. Let me explain:

We love Jews. Any young Jew will use any excuse to tell all of his friends about ‘so-and-so’ being Jewish. Just last weekend I must have told people 100 times that the Dos Equis guy was Jewish. I honestly didn’t give a shit. But I felt like it was important to inform everyone that this marginally known fictional character was actually Jewish. By the end of the night my friends all wished I would shut the hell up. And yet I was so excited for no good reason that another random old Jewish man had inadvertently become associated with the ‘Hollywood Jew‘.

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Q: If you could be the president or leader of your country for one day, what would you do?

A: PBRs and vintage tees for all, abortions for others!

Q: Give me some positive news about anything, please.

A: Your mother is a very nice lady. A saint, really.

Q: What’s the family clan’s age minimum for dating?

A: That implies that the ‘clan’ dates. So…………15.

Q: How does one achieve maximum bro-ness?

A: Drink Natty, watch exclusively ESPN (or ESPN2 or ESPNU), and get into fist fights with other bros over baseball.

Q: Why does Jon Stewart control the media?

A: If he didn’t control the media to say specifically what he wanted them to, he wouldn’t be funny. No real person says the stupid shit the media spews every day.

Q: When you give yourself a pep talk (I presume in your head – or what the heck, if you speak aloud to yourself too), what are you likely to say to yourself?

A: “Will my mother hate this? YES! GO GO GO GO ME!”

Comedian Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert brought 250,000 people together to talk about nothing. I say “nothing” because no one knew what they were going to say. And the lame stream media keeps telling me Jon meant different things by his rally. But what do I know, I was only there. I did had the honor of being in the presence of Arianna Huffington, The Roots, John Legend, The Mythbuster guys, Cat Stevens, Ozzy Osbourne, The O’Jays, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, R2-D2, Sam Waterston, Tony Bennett, and Jeff Tweedy. While Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow had the pleasure of being in my presence.

The biggest issue I had about this ‘restoring sanity’ march was that sanity is long from restored. The bus driver, on the way to D.C. had no idea where he was going. I dont know how someone could take 50 people in their vehicle and then ask “where we going guys?!” and actually mean it. Eight people had their iphones out and GPSing where to go. I thought that only happens on New Jersey Transit… Once I got to D.C. I had to use the Metro. To buy a ticket on the metro, you must know your Social Security Number, your mother’s Social Security Number, and basic Calculus. Then you must take you ticket and give it to a machine which spits it right back to you. You must use this ticket to leave too. If you lose your ticket, you’re fucked. Legit. Fucked. There is a whole community of people who lost their ticket and have to live in the Metro.

But I just watched Hannity on Fox. And he stopped preaching about socialism. He is now talking about puppies and is thinking about rolling around in mud and eating his own shit. So maybe Sanity has been restored.

Now that I’ve shown off to yall how cool I am, here is a wonderful video of funny signs people held. Sorry. I dont really own a camera.

Sign Montage from the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear from ekai on Vimeo.

Its been awhile since I hated on Glenn Beck. I’ve been pretty busy. I find it great that two Jews have called him out this week. I’m not a scientist, but knowing that the only 24 hour American news station in Israel is Faux News, I’m pretty sure Glenn Beck lies to get into all the stellar clubs in Jerusalem. I heard Beck is a fan of bad techno and house music.

Since Jews control the media, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em

Damn. Two days busy eating matzoh, and we missed some important Passover cultural references. The Daily Show and Colbert Report, two shows that sympathize extensively with Jews, did a little Passover reporting. Well a ‘little’ would be an understatement. Maybe it’s just me, but this whole Passover thing is exploding. It may even be the next Yom Kippur, if you know what I mean.

Did you know that Ben Stiller still lets his converted Jewish mother guilt him into eating at the Seder? Neither did I until he told Jon Stewart, but if you enjoy two middle-aged Jewish men discussing their Jewish childhoods, this is a good clip to watch.

That same night, Stephen Colbert paid tribute to Manischevitz wine and Elijah’s cup. Let’s just say Stephen doesn’t spare the expense for the best Kosher wine this side of Crown Heights.

Stephen continued his love of Passover by forcing his Jewish staff to work during Passover….I mean by reenacting God’s ten plagues with puppets. Finger puppets. This is this shit we missed for the Seders. Thank god for youtube.

After being a member of the audience a week ago, here is my own list of what audience members should know before ordering their tickets:

1. The Daily Show needs a full crowd. About 80 seats must be filled. So to screw you over, they over book every show. Get there early. The show starts taping at 6pm. Audience members are let in at around 4:45pm. You should be there by 3pm. You will be safe from rain and snow, but the cold and heat while waiting can be brutal. And Stewart’s interns don’t give a damn.

2. Security is a bitch. One metal detector. Cell phones off. No photos or they will smash your camera. No chewing gum, eating or drinking. Also expect a three finger anal probe.

3. You drank a cup of (ice) coffee outside to keep warm (cool) while waiting outside. You have now passed the metal detector and need to take a wicked piss. Too bad. No lie. Too fucking bad.

4. You will continue to sit there for an undisclosed amount of time, cross legged, taking your mind off all things liquid. Music that you listened to in junior high school is played over the speakers. Each song gets louder and louder. You try looking at the time but you have no watch (remember, no cell phones). No one else has a watch, its 2010. What seems like an hour passes by.

5. No writing of any kind. Yeah. I think they make rules up as they go along. No matter how bored you are, you can not take out a pen and paper. Just listen to the God damn music.

6. A warm up comic comes out. You don’t know him. He uses recycled jokes from last month’s China – Google scandal. You laugh at his inability to prepare for such a gig. So he starts to make fun of the crowd and everyone is happy.

7. You have to remember that you are “the audience.” It is your job to laugh, cry, ‘awwww’, and any other role that an “audience” takes on. To put the audience in that mindset, the comic stated one simple, yet important fact. Exaggerate everything you do. That is your job. That is why it’s free to go to The Daily Show. I understood perfectly how to act after this follow-up statement. You know when you’re on a date with a chick that much hotter than you. You laugh at anything she says and you exaggerate it in hopes of getting a second date. Pretend Jon Stewart is your much hotter date. The difference between a real date and this show? You will have a producer coach you on when you should laugh, clap, stop, etc.

8. The big man, Jon Stewart, comes out and answers some of the lesser important questions. Of course you’re sitting in front of the dumb bitch that asks Stewart to serenade her.
I personally was going to ask Stewart if ever thought about making a Death to Smoochie 2. Possibly make it a zombie movie too. But you can’t follow a guy that asks if Stewart got the tour at Fox News after the Bill O’Reilly interview.

9. As the show starts, you will not hear many things that Jon says. His voice is low and the crowd is loud. You can’t actually hear him say ‘stop’ but rather, again, the producer conducts you. You also have an 85% chance that at one point during the show, a camera will obstruct your view. Let me repeat this. There is a good chance you will hear very little of what is being said, and you possibly won’t see anything live due to camera obstruction. But don’t forget to laugh.

10. When its all over, Jon Stewart comes back out, says a joke, thanks everyone, then everyone leaves feeling like Stewart won’t call back for a second date.

I saw this shit live.

view the full episode episode here