Archives For jews

We’ve all been there. Walking down the street, or on your college campus. A Chabad Rabbi is smiling way too charistmatically in front of his ‘Sukkah Mobile’ as he asks if you’re Jewish. You do it, because you have guilt, because you are Jewish. (History should teach us to lie when anyone asks us if we are Jewish.) You make a public spectacle of yourself, you try to move on, and forget that being Jewish can be so embarrassing when it’s thrust upon you like a mountainous burden. It’s tough being Jewish on the strees of NYC.

What I’m trying to say is that this video is perfect. I’m not sure how I feel about it taking away from the original video about women being catcalled, but even as a video on it’s own it is pretty fucking funny.

//Huffpo

“What is about Jewish people that make (sic) them prosper financially?” asks conservative televangelist and hoverer-near-death Pat Robertson. His answer? Jews don’t fix their cars or mow their lawns, which leaves them more time for their primary occupation: Polishing diamonds. // Gawker

Pat Robinson Knows what Jews Do To Make $$$$

The NYTimes has an article about the most boring book about the Holocaust ever, Because you didn’t think THAT was possible!

There is no plot to speak of, and the characters are woefully undeveloped. On the upside, it can be a quick read — especially considering its 1,250 pages.

Okay, so that sounds like it may not be a total piece of shit? I mean…more pages than Harry Potter but also no plot or characters? Did a child write this book?

The book, more art than literature, consists of the single word “Jew,” in tiny type, printed six million times to signify the number of Jews killed during the Holocaust. It is meant as a kind of coffee-table monument of memory, a conversation starter and thought provoker.

Oh, so it’s not a book, it’s a ‘book'; it’s an art project that pretends to be a book. That could be cool, right?

“When you look at this at a distance, you can’t tell whether it’s upside down or right-side up, you can’t tell what’s here; it looks like a pattern,” said Phil Chernofsky, the author, though that term may be something of a stretch. “That’s how the Nazis viewed their victims: These are not individuals, these are not people, these are just a mass we have to exterminate. “Now get closer, put on your reading glasses, and pick a ‘Jew,’ ” Mr. Chernofsky continued. “That Jew could be you. Next to him is your brother. Oh, look, your uncles and aunts and cousins and your whole extended family. A row, a line, those are your classmates. Now you get lost in a kind of meditative state where you look at one word, ‘Jew,’ you look at one Jew, you focus on it and then your mind starts to go because who is he, where did he live, what did he want to do when he grew up?”

Nope. Just really really depressing. More depressing than having to read anything by Tolstoi.

Coffee table book conversation starter? More like coffee book table get really drunk starter.

May as well show Schindler’s List to a bunch of grade school children.

Woody Allen has recently given a spiel on Israel, and religion, and anti-semitism. I read the lines he was quoted in with his sweet lil neurotic voice, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Woody-Allen-as-Rabbi

Viva Uncle Woody.

I mean like unless he’s a child a rapist and therefore a bad person like the internet believes. But even then…I just can’t quit you Woody Allen.

If there is one impossibility in the world it’s that I could love Uncle Woody more than I already do.

Or could I?

Recently,  the Jew-lovers at the New York Times took it upon themselves to get an inside look into the mind of a hypochondriac, the best hypochondriac in fact, Uncle Woody.

His response was witty, self-deprecating, and was just the ticket to re-enforcing my big, fat, slightly disturbing obsession with the greatest neurotic Jew there ever was.

 

Woody, why don’t you  ever answer my fan mail?

“It’s also true that when I leave the house to go for a stroll in Central Park or to Starbucks for a latte I might just pick up a quick cardiogram or CT scan prophylactically. My wife calls this nonsense and says that in the end it’s all genetic. My parents both lived to ripe old ages but absolutely refused to pass their genes to me as they believed an inheritance often spoils the child.”

You so funny, Woody. I’m only having some trouble dealing with the mention of the child bride, Soon-Yi. And not because she’s Asian. Because I love those.

jewish_gun_owner

If slaves had guns, slavery would never have happened.
If Jews had a gun the Holocaust would never have happened.
If Jews had fashion sense the show Girls would never have happened.
If 1920s NY Jews had controlled the banks, the stock market collapse would never have happened.
If I had a gun, my Bar Mitzvah portion would never have happened.
If my Mom had a gun, my unclean room would never have happened.
If The Duckman had a gun, this shitty website would never have happened.
If 1950s Soviet Jews had guns, Communism…actually…would still have happened.
If Sandy Koufax had a gun, the 1965 World Series would never have happened.
If Superman had a gun, the destruction of Krypton would never have happened.
If 1940 Israeli settlers had guns, Arabs would never have happened.
If Einstein had a gun, the atomic bomb would never have happened.
If Henry Kissinger had a gun, Disco music would never have happened.
If my mom’s dad didn’t have a shotgun, my parents’ marriage never would have happened.
If monkey had guns, evolution would never have happened.
If George W Bush had a gun, the War in Iraq would not have happened?
If I had that PlayStation I wanted as a child, graduating college would never had happened.

If douchebag NRA lovers knew when to make an appropriate Holocaust comparison, this blog post would never have been written.

netflix_the_jews_history

Twas the Night Jews crashed Neflix, b’fore Oh Thirteen (’13),
Not a person was stirring, not a one Hindi.
The streets were all emptied of cars with some care,
‘Cuz they went home to find St Nicholas there.

The Jews were all nestled all snug by tvs,
Some of them watching the Seinfeld movie with Bees.
And mamma in her shawl, and I in my Jew-cap,
Had just settled our meals to watch some network crap.

When on our Sony HD there arose a clatter,
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter.
Netflix was frozen, refusing to stream on,
I looked at my Ma and wondered what went wrong.

I reset my router with great precision,
Reset the modem without indecision.
When, what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But my miniature fridge, and 8 micro-craft beers.

With my little old mother, so lively and stewed,
I knew in a moment it must be the Jews.
For on Xmas eve there was little to do,
Except stare at the boob tube and drink classy brews.

Some Magic Hat! Now Shipyard! With Redhook and Rogue!
Long Trail! Dogfish Head! Southern Tier and Smuttynose!
Beer was aplenty; flowed like milk and honey.
But no entertainment?…This wasn’t at all funny.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So too I, in a drunken lonely rage I flew,
I yelled ‘Who cares for St Nicholas? Fuck the Jews!’

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the news
That Netflix was down but it wasn’t the Jews.
As I drew my head, and was turning around,
I apologized to my mother for the unruly sounds.

Then I jiggled the remote and turned on my Playstation,
I realized that was when I….

Aw fuck it. This post is taking forever.
And let’s be honest- Christmas poems wont’ get better.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah alright?!?!
Happy Christmas Eve to all. Fuck you. Good-night!

Recently, as part of my summer Uncle Woody craze, I spoke of a fear that Mr. Allen was turning into the Olsen Twins. This fear is now growing to momentous proportions. About the size of the Wailing Wall if we’re going to get nit-picky.

Woody has done movies in European countries if they are willing to fund that shiz.  Now, those uppity LA Jews are trying to convince Woody to shoot something in Tel Aviv or Jerusalem if they fund it. 

DO THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY’RE DOING?

This cannot become

 this.

 Or I will die.

 

Call it a boring news day. Call me drunk at 3 in the afternoon on a Friday. But don’t call me a liar. Eric Cantor doesn’t want to talk about the ‘darker sides’ of politics, in this case, anti-Semitism! Or, if you’re an anti-Semite, then this means ‘Jews’. Although, one could argue that they are just 2 sides of the same coin! Jews think anti-Semites are evil, and anti-Semites think Jews are evil! Either way, politics in the GOP is lacking in many Jews, Asians, Hispanics, Blacks…

What I’m trying to say is that this question was unfair. Of course Eric Cantor hears anti-Semitic jokes! You can’t be the Jewish head of Congress Republicans and not come across an angry hate-filled rant!

Also, they’re all racists.

/ Wonkette

Guys!

…I’ve discovered something…

And it might be soft core porn.

But more really, the question of a Jewish PORN actor.

I’m not sure. But in Sweet Prudence and the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot,  Bigfoot is credited as Daniel Moshe Johnson. Minus the Johnson part…I’m suspicious.  Could he be one of The People? I did further research, but there’s not a lot on this guy. He’s not in any major motion pictures except Sweet Prudence and the Erotic Adventures of Bigfoot. We may never really know if the penis he uses to get the job done is circumcised or uncircumcised.  Though, if we’re being practical, it probably is because most American hospital nip the tip.

” Tell me more about the kosher laws, Bigfoot.”

Furthermore…how did I not know softcore porn was such a big deal?

This movie has a WEBSITE.

 So legit. I’m in love.

I’ve found the way I could make my mark on the world. I can make films…that are PORN! This what I am meant to do. I’ve found my raison d’etre.

Rock on.