Just finished this season of Jersey Shore, and throughout the final episode I kept thinking to myself: Man, this shit feels like deja vu. And I finally figured out why. Guidos visiting Italy as a means of getting trashed and having sex is the same as Jewish bros visiting Israel as a means of getting trashed and having sex on Birthright. Don’t believe me? Look at these eerie similarities:

1) All the people on Jersey Shore were huge Guidos/Guidettes. All the people on Birthright are huge Jewish bros/biddies.

2) Every group of Birthrighters had that one kid who acted exactly like The Situation. All whiney and cocky but got into everyone’s business and eventually was rejected by the group. On the last day apologized so that people didn’t think he was a total fucking dick.

3) Most people on Birthright are there primarily to get drunk and hook up. Looking at the culture/history is secondary. Vinny said it best at the end of the season, “this part (the cultural/historical excursion) gave meaning to the place I’d been living in, I felt inspired”. I swear I heard like 15 people say this on our return flight.

4) Birthright is entirely fake life. Snooki admitted that Italy “wasn’t real life”. She’s a fucking idiot and even she knew that. Birthright, too, is entirely fake, like J-Wowz tatas.

5) Maybe 1 out of every 10 or 15 hookups in Birthright is between an American and an Israeli. The rest are American-American sexy relations. Same with Jersey Shore, where only a handful of real Italians were fortunate enough to leak their bodily liquids all over the “Shmoosh Room”.

6) Finally, nearly all the bars/clubs that they went to were full of Americans abroad or Americans on break. How many Israelis did you actually meet on Birthright while grinding in a club? Not many.

So, in conclusion:

Guidos visiting Italy is EXACTLY the same as Jews visiting Israel.

I totally found Snooki trying to find a good vegan sub in Philly. Orange skin. Awful looking accessories. Short. Halo around the face area. Grainy cell phone photo. PICKLES right in front of her. I can keep going.

This has got to be a prank. It’s got to be photoshopped for April Fools day. There are so many things wrong with this photo, I’m almost positive the Jersey Shore crew are now regulated to posing with Madame Tussauds wax figures. Snooki is Snooki. She could be with the President of the U.S. and she would still give that “I’m a duuuurty girl” look for a photo. There is no changing her. But what’s The Situation doing without a shirt? Actually, I know what he’s doing without a shirt and why there is some random hippie chick next to him. It’s totally a sexy time party. The real question I have is why is Bloomberg there and who picked out his bow tie? Ballroom C is the guns, guidos, and hippie-chick party. Ballroom A is where the guys who wanted to be Bill Nye The Science Guy go.

One New York City Purim party was  not so lucky. I think Vinny’s tweet of the situation sums it up quite nicely  “Roof just collapsed at Purim event…. I think me and @sn00ki felt the wrath for not being Jewish.”

The truth is, God has nothing against Goyim. Just the cast of Jersey Shore. Ever since my boy from Rhode-I-Land DJ Paulie D hooked up with an Israeli girl, and then we found the beautiful Bar Rafaeli doing a photo shoot with Mike ‘The Situation’, God has not been pleased. He doesn’t want his chosen women finding love with Jersey Shore.

Expect there to be a terrible calamity in Jersey Shore 2.

Oh Bar Refaeli…. How the mighty have fallen….

Frank the Entertainer in a Basement Affair is a VH1 show where Frank, from various other VH1 shows, tries to find a girl he can settle down with. The idea is that Frank (mid-early 30′s) can finally move out of his parent’s basement. The biggest star of the show is his mother. The interwebs swear Frank is Jewish due to his mother. The entire show is a huge guilt trip packed into an hour a week. But the one character that stood out to America was Annie (now Anni also known as Caroline). Anni is the Alt-Hipster chick that we all rooted for because we knew she was the underdog in a sea of VH1 whores. To top it off, this morning I learned from the girl herself that she is in fact a member of the tribe JILF JILF JILF.

After watching her get kicked off the show last night (yeah, Im a bit behind on my reality tv), I had to dig deeper into who this Anni chick was. Turns out, the entire thing was a joke. Anni was there

“to do a wacky performance piece, attempting to play up the ridiculousness that is reality television and the characters it produces, a satire on a genre that is already a satire of itself. I was interested in the way reality television is reproducing female stereotypes at an alarming rate—using ‘real’ people to validate these stereotypes’ existence.”

At first this pissed me off. Who was she to ruin my reality tv experience by telling me she faked the whole thing. Then I got back to level. If the Jersey Shore can lie to me and tell me J Woww and Snooki are Italian (sorry, they ain’t Italian), then why can’t Anni give away her sole reasoning to shame the framewhores? I mean, most of the girls that go on these shows anyways are there to get face time. Once the truth settled in, I realized how amazing this girl is. The irony, the post-modernism. It all played out so perfectly. This is exactly what I’ve been wanting to do by applying for The Amazing Race. Infiltrate these crappy reality shows with hipsters. This girl is perfect.

These are the lyrics she sang that arguably got her kicked off the show (NSFW):

it’s not about pussy or dick it’s about our love–I think it’s gonna stick–like cum in my mouth when i give you a blowjob. hey mom and dad it’s time to turn your ears off. cause im going down to the basement cause im goin down to the basement cause im going down to the basement to get myself some frank!

Marry me.