Archives For Israeli – Palestinian conflict

As this video shows, it’s impossible to please people on this subject. There is a reason why we don’t talk much about the Israel-Palestinian conflict. No matter what we say, most people will yell at us for either not caring about dead children, or supporting a terrorist group, or not mentioning something that’s hardly important. The entire war is a PR battle and we really don’t feel like pushing either side’s press release.

If you really want our opinion, it’s this: Cut the shit everyone.

A new web app came out recently called Porn MD. In this app you can see what naughty things people are searching from all around the world. You can infer a lot of interesting things from the data in this site. For instance, people in the Gulf of Mexico have a thing for black people. And pretty much everyone in the world has mommy issues.

israeli-palestinian-porn

This got me wondering: Maybe porn could solve the Middle East conflict? I know this sounds like a big jump, from porn data to solving centuries long conflict, but hey, that’s how I roll. Unfortunately, porn will not save the Middle East from destroying itself. The Israelis and Palestinians are way too different in their taste for smut. Palestinians are quite incestual, while Israelis prefer gay and/or anal porn. And while gay Israelis fantasize about Arabs, Palestinians have no interest in anything kosher, including a cut pickle.

Originally I had thought that the only person who could solve this conflict would have been Bill Clinton armed with Air Force One loaded to the brim with American Strippers. But now I see why that never happened and could never work. Back to the drawing board, I guess.

idf-instagram

A 20-year-old Israel Defense Force (IDF) sniper was caught posting a terrible photo to his personal Instagram. The photo shows a young Palestinian boy in the cross hairs of a sniper. While this soldier claims he didn’t take the photo, we can all pretty much assume he did. Which leads us to another IDF PR screw up.

Now this is in no way the IDF’s fault, unless they ban phone use by all soldiers. If anything this speaks to how dumb our generation is when it comes to the internet. In what world does one think that posting a photo (w/ lens) of a young boy in cross hairs is a good idea? When will people learn that their every move is being watched by someone? You are not anonymous. Your dumb shit will come back to haunt you. Get off the internet. Get off social media. Stop doing dumb shit. Call your friends for once instead of liking their Facebook status for fucks sake.

And get off my lawn!

//Guardian

For all those back seat negotiators who, during the Camp David Accords looked at Jimmy Carter and at Menachim Begnin and Anwar Sadat’s shared Nobel Peace Prize (yeah, we’re in the WABAC Machine now, kiddies) and thought, “Phssst. I could have done better than that. Hell, I could have solved this thing,” well, here’s your chance. The Atlantic, along with the S. Daniel Abraham Center for Middle East Peace (because one of their contributing editors is a VP there) has created an interactive map with which you can draw the borders of a hypothetical two-state solution for Israel and Palestine! That one class in Middle East studies/Contemporary conflicts/Geography you took in college will finally pay off! Looks like you were wrong, Mom and Dad, I totally shouldn’t have used my humanities credit on English Literature!

I mean how hard could this be, right? It’s not like the issues of Israeli settlement building, the dominion of East Jerusalem, territorial claims on the West Bank and the Gaza Strip could be that complicated, right? Let’s just take a look at this map here and I’m sure we’ll straighten it all–

Credit to Wikimedia Commons

–oh shit.

The best part about The Atlantic/S. Daniel Abraham Center for Middle East Peace’s Two-State-O-Matic Machine is that it allows you, the average Joe on the Street, to divide the border by assigning settlements to either the Israeli or the Palestinian side. Forgoing, for the moment, that it tells you absolutely nothing about the resources in those areas (I’m sure it won’t be a big deal. I mean, it’s not like Southern Sudan and Sudan are having a big conflict over resource sharing that sprouted out of their partition…Wait, they are? Fuck. Can’t anyone get along?), I’m sure you’ll be able to use your empathy to decide the fates of people you haven’t talked to and thus don’t know their history, their struggles, or the quality of their claim to belong to either Palestine or Israel.

Normally, I’m all for crowd-sourcing. Unfortunately, this isn’t something you can just throw up on Kickstarter. Neither is it something you can just solicit opinions from the public about. This isn’t like building a new park in Pawnee, Indiana. This is nation building in what is straight-up Biblevania. It’s old. So old that people have claims that go back over 1000 years on both sides.

So hats off to The Atlantic and SDACMEP for putting good intentions ahead of good sense.

Sends us your own maps so we can also scoff at you!

In an unfortunate set of events, the Park Slope food co-op could not solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. This means another 7 years of bad luck for everyone in the Middle East. Damn it.

After months of debate, the food co-op put to a vote whether they should boycott Israeli products. 1005 said no. 653 said yes. Pro-Israel / Pro Hummus members of the co-op cheer. Pro-Palestinian members of the co-op continue to not buy products made in Israel. Me? I’ll probably never go to the Park Slope food co-op.

Look at this lazy Hipster, probably buying rare vinyls at an outdoor market.

People are surprised. People are pissed. Young, secular, hip kids don’t want to fight in a seemingly never-ending war with a hostile population? They’d rather get drunk, listen to rock n’ roll, and have premarital sex? That’s just crayyyyyyy.

The Tel Aviv metropolitan area and Jerusalem have extremely low rates of army enlistment, Ynet reported today. Modi’in-Maccabim-Re’ut was first on the list while Tel Aviv was 52nd and Jerusalem 62nd. Many of Jerusalem’s residents are haredim, which largely accounts for its low ranking. (via Failed Messiah)

Oh yeah, and don’t forget that all those liberal Hipsters are Palestinian sympathizers. Left wing ideologies. Probably a bunch of pussy pacifists who hate Israel and Democracy. They should all just move to New England/NYC where they can forget about God and have wild, intensive orgies.

Caption Contest

Chicky —  11/15/2011 —  Comments

1001 Dalmations Palestinians

 

Some Jews are getting upset because OWS is full of liberals who are upset with the whole ‘Palestinian’ thing, and are putting blame on those who control the power.

Elements that claim to stand with Occupy Wall Street—and that Occupy Wall Street couldn’t disclaim even if it wanted to—are turning the movement toward adopting an anti-Israel cause for its own….the Boston occupation, which marched to the Israeli consulate last Friday in solidarity with the latest flotilla, or of blogs declaring that Oakland, whose occupation was the site of ghastly police repression last month, represents the same cause as Palestine. (Tablet Mag)

Do I support all of these here things? Nope. There is a reason this is called OCCUPY ______ and not WALK ALONG A DAMNED STREET TIL YA FIND DA ISREALIS ______.

And don’t even get me started on the Oakland/Palestine comparison. Many Jewish people have been upset with this terminology, but for the wrong reasons. They should be upset because the people in Oakland had their Constitutional rights ignored, while the people in Palestine were never given any Constitutional rights to begin with. Occupied territories but without a voice. I feel like, just maybe, our founding fathers would turn in the grave and collectively utter “WTF, Moses”. And, let’s be honest, Americans don’t know what ‘sacrifice’ means. We’re too coddled, we expect everything to go our way. We don’t know how to struggle. We don’t know how to fight for our right. To party, yes. But also to fight in justices. We’ll fight until someone may lose an eye, and then we riot and loot electronics from Best Buy.

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Here is the entire Associated Press article about how dire the Israel-Palestine situation is.

Alexander…was asked by Israeli President Shimon Peres in a meeting on Tuesday for advice on how to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Alexander said, that through comedy and humor, he hopes to help advance the idea of two states for two people.

Peres playfully asked the actor if he could call him “George.” Alexander laughed, and pointing to a crowd of reporters, said: “You can. Not them.”

He met with Peres during a visit to the Holy Land with a delegation from OneVoice, an international grassroots group working with mainstream Israelis and Palestinians to encourage peace.

Fucked. Israel is totally fucked. Sending George Costanza to save The Middle East? That’s all the have left? Israel and Palestine have run out of viable options. They have run out of insane shit-out-of-luck A-Team options. Expect the end of the world.

I’m gonna hide in my basement drinking 40s and cowering in fear from the overgrown house centipedes until this all blows over.

(Via Laughspin)

As the resident Israeli HJ writer, it is my obligation to report the wonderful feeling of happiness sweeping Israel in the wake of Gilad Shalit’s return from 5.5 years of brutal captivity.  It is a great day, and I hope he returns home swiftly and in good health, both mentally and physically.

Since the world is politics, I do not understand why Israel is not using this moment to talk about its respect for human life.  The Israeli government traded over 1,000 prisoners, many of whom are convicted murderers, to gain the freedom of one of its citizens.  Why are they not discussing this point at every turn?  Can you imagine the US making a similar deal with a group it views as a mortal enemy?  They clearly place a value on human life that is above any other nation on earth.  It frustrates me that they are not talking about this, it is giving up good PR.