Last night, Chicky mentioned how my birthday was coming up in a month. A few moments later, he sent me this video. So what. I’m the oldest consistent contributor to Hipster Jew. Big deal. Make fun of me. It’s not like I’m going to be buying designer depends anytime soon. I just bought a pack last week and they usually last me awhile.

But in all seriousness, I hope I’m this cool when I’m 80.

I love hearing about how our generation is so selfish that we’re cursed to years and years of nothingness, as is claimed in this article. Or something like that.

And I get it. We are selfish. We are obsessed with taking pictures of ourselves. And drinking Starbucks. And playing with our iPhones. And purchasing record players but not actually owning records.

You won’t find one of these at my house. But you WILL find one of these.

We do these things, it’s true. But you know what?

Every generation has dealt with the older generation being CERTAIN that they would ruin everything. Every generation has role models that can be frowned upon. (I will never consider Marilyn Monroe a GOOD role model for young girls.) Every generation has had its positive [generalized] characteristics and it’s negative [generalized] characteristics.

Our parents didn’t end the world with their mistakes and we won’t either.

Have a little faith, hipsters.

We can do this.

And now, let’s watch a cat video.

Well, they are men, have beards, roll up 1 pant leg, and take off their shoes in public — They must be Amish Hipsters!

As much as I already grow hateful over Hipster Memes, this trend makes my hate grow stronger. Here’s how the Hipster formula works:

1 small aspect of Hipster culture/clothing style + 1 subculture/religion = Article about how Hipsters are hijacking X ideology, clothing, or music OR Article about how Hipsters and subculture X are the samesies.

Case in point, the LaTimes:

Miriam Jones doesn’t waste time analyzing how an Amish girl in long skirts and bonnets went on to become the owner of a salon in the heart of Echo Park’s hipster enclave. In her first 30 years, in addition to starting a business, she’s butchered large farm animals, killed snapping turtles with a crossbow, sewn her own clothes, grown and canned her food, learned to fly a helicopter and raised a 12-year-old daughter.

Old world values clashing with modern fashion and lifestyle sensibilities?!?! Sounds like a local hacky profile piece to me! Or it sounds exactly like the articles about the Williamsburg clashes between Hipsters and Hassids! Or as silly as the website AmishorHipster.com!

The cultural holes resulting from Jones’ Amish background sometimes poke through the fabric of her hipster lifestyle. During one hairstyling session, she asked a client what song was playing. “It’s U2,” he responded. “Did you grow up Amish or what?” “He couldn’t believe it,” Jones said, laughing. “No one makes that joke and it’s actually offensive.”

“I wouldn’t give up being Amish. I love I have that perspective,” she said. “Anybody who doesn’t get how important electricity is, they haven’t been Amish. “But now I get to live in Los Angeles and have an Australian boyfriend!”

O.M.G. It’s like Amish people who escape from their zealot religions sound EXACTLY like religious Jews who escape from their insufferable rules! Totally could see some Jewish girl leaving the faith, marrying some sexy foreign dude, pissing off her parents, all the while being ignorantly blissful of U2. COMPARISONS ARE CRAY-CRAY.

/ Wait a second. The fact she doesn’t know U2 doesn’t represent a large hole in her understanding of American culture. Homegirl has been living in the real world for like 15 years. She’s just so ‘Hipster’ that she, like myself, chooses to ignore that U2 exists as a band and as a group of people. Don’t try to downplay shitty music as an excuse for ‘being Amish’. She’s a music snob, plain and simple.

// via the Atlantic Wire

However, I’m gonna have to give you a D in execution. Only one character is wearing a cardigan? There’s no skinny jeans, no flannel, no overly colorful tattoo sleeves/tattoos of stars and birds, boxy black lenses or empty frames are nowhere to be found. I was looking forward to seeing Princess Leia as the arty barista rocking some jeggings and kneehigh hooker boots with a scarf and deep v pastel tshirt. Maybe a pair of Porta Pros blasting the new Silversun Pickups EP? She’d have hipster bangs as well as the space danish hairdo, don’t ask me how, it’s my fantasy damnit. And this has failed to deliver.

I mean, Jango’s rocking the hipster look perfectly, everyone else just looks like a fashionista. Dressed far too well to be a real hipster.

Also, they painted Jar Jar and not Han or Luke. Really?

Another successful year for the hipster. For 6 years in a row, hipsters have increased sales in vinyl records. 2010 we bought 2.8 million records. 2011 we bought 3.5 million records. Suck it Pandora / Last.fm / Spotify.

I don’t know what to say about this video. I’ve literally said every one of these lyrics before in conversation. Sometimes I was joking, other times I was totally serious. Most times I wasn’t even sure which one it was. It just sums it all up so well. Our existence. Why we Hipsters do the things we do. How everything is ironic and yet not. How totally screwed our generation is.

This music video has made Hipsterjew entirely obsolete. We’re just too stuck in 2011…

//endblogforever

And Meghan McCain has Hipster envy for none other than Zooey Deschanel, the Hipster Queen of Hipster Brooklyn.

Brooklyn is probably also not fun for her because her idea of fun is getting blown at a DC Young Conservative’s political party. To each their own.

I say let the famewhores hate all they want.

But in case you don’t know, and in case you enjoy the incredible trolling that parody blog Christwire continues to participate in…enjoy this video.

Bunch of regular American college educated dudes throw down a rant on all Hipsters and everything Hipster culture. Best part is when the black guy tries to call back all the Blipsters into the broader ‘African American culture’, where he is obviously a member and/or the president of blacks.

Also, as far as I’m concerned, every Hipster secretly wants to be either Joseph Stalin, Tom Selleck, or the Pringles Guy. So that dude nailed it. That’s just a fucking fact. It’s the only reason ironic mustaches are still around. Not because the ladies go bananas over mustache rides. Which they do.

If I was more secure with myself I’d ignore what these dudes had to say. But fuck it, from now on my new God shall be GQ. I wont be able to afford the designer clothes they sell, so I’ll just shop at Banana Republic and J-Crew. Equally as expensive as American Apparel, but atleast I’ll “fit in”. I’ll change all my ironic unicorn rainbow tattoos into boring crosses and Irish four-leaf clovers. Then I can have friends and join fantasy football leagues and watch ESPN on a 24/hour loop.

Being ironic. Everywhere, all the time. That is the Neo-Hipster creed. Some, like myself, continue to listen to Creed ironically. Some people just still don’t get it.

Hey guys, long time no see, toss me a PBR—actually, better make it a Coors Light. I know, I look different, but before you all start saying how I look like some midtown suit, let me explain. I haven’t gone pleb on you, I’m actually a neo-hipster now. It’s basically where you’re a hipster, but since hipsterism has gone so mainstream you dress and act like a regular person, ironically.

It’s like this. In the morning when I wake up, I’ll put on a pair of skinny jeans and a Sonics t-shirt—but then when it’s time to go out, I’ll ironically slap on a pair of runners, some blue jeans, and a no-name golf shirt I ironically bought at Target. And those thick-rimmed glasses I used to wear? I still wear them in my house, but I got them changed to a zero prescription since I recently ironically got laser eye surgery.

I still listen to good music, though. The Decemberists, Dirty Projectors, Nouvelle Vague, Beirut, Belle and Sebastian, Tears for Fears. I listen to all of them—in my house. When I leave my house though, I usually don’t bother bringing my iPod and instead I just put on the radio in my car and kind of just listen to whatever’s popular—but I do it ironically. You should have seen how people looked at me the other day when I was parking my Focus blasting that new Linkin Park song from the Transformers soundtrack. They totally didn’t get it.

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