Archives For Hipsters

Math, you cruel uncaring mistress! You just couldn’t keep it a secret, could you? You just had to let everyone know that Hipsters do in fact look kind of the same, sound kind of the same, dress kind of the same, eat kind of same, and smell kind of the same (thanks Toms products). Yeah, you heard some news you already guessed if you’ve read this blog once, or stepped outside in a town not full of bros. Hipsters are all the same person. Friends with one hipster, you’re pretty much friends with them all.

“You need people who want to be different,” said Touboul in an interview with Reuters. “In the end, because they are too slow to detect the trend, they synchronize and they all do, and all these people that want to be different they all do the same thing at the same time.”

Touboul published his findings in a scientific paper titled “The hipster effect: when anticonformists all look the same.”

He said the mathematical model is interchangeable with other social groups.

Wait…what? The mathematical model works for any social group? Why not call it the Juggalo Paradox, or the Salmon Short Paradox, or even just the Lumberjack Paradox? It’s like someone knew that calling it the Hipster Paradox would get me to click on the link, then write a silly diatribe about it…

Just like all the other Hipsters have already done. DAMN IT YOU WIN AGAIN, MATH

// Usa Today

In a recent article in the New York Times (you know that newspaper with the great wealth of knowledge about hipsterdom) expatriate and author Thomas Chatterton Williams went on a rant about how hipsters are ruining Paris with their evil gentrifying way. Like black people know anything about gentrification. As if.

Williams lives in a neighborhood in the northern edge of the Ninth Arrondissement which used to be cool when he moved in. You know before everyone else came and made it mainstream. 

It was crusty when Williams moved in. There were brothels chock full of prostitutes. And sketchy Asian massage parlors. And pharmacies which for some reason are seen as old world to Thomas Chatterton Williams.

<SoPiThe world used to be black and white. Then the hipsters came.

Now, the former la Nouvelle-Athènes is called South Pigalle or SoPi (like Soho GET IT?). Instead of the smell of cigarette smoke and sex, the smell of brunch pervades the air. Instead of the bar à hôtesses there’s fancy cocktail bars that have drinks with silly names that I wouldn’t be able to afford. It’s tragic.

If white people can’t ruin everything by trying to convert poor indigenous people to Christianity or dividing up  tribes into countries that don’t make sense, they’re going to make cities boring and homogenized.

Stupid white people.

Stupid hipsters.

I hate us.

 

 

 

 

 

I am not against cliches if they’re done well. Execution and sticking the landing count in my book, and can overcome a lot in terms of subject matter and narrative devices both novel and trite. So let’s use that as the explanation for why I’m praising a video where hipsters are likened to zombies culturally, then literally and eviscerated lyrically, then physically.

The case for the hipster-as-zombie is cliche but irresistible simply because no one can stop themselves from pointing out any hypocrisy, large or small; and any subculture that dares to act differently will unfortunately turn out to be acting differently all the same way. Hipsters are an easy target for this, we’re all going to farmer’s markets and getting sloppy on PBR and listening to boring indie pop that features a banjo and musical saw for no real reason, right? So we must be zombies. And the spread of hipster culture must be stamped out, like an outbreak from the nearest cemetery.

So here’s Watsky’s take on the Pitchfork/American Apparel crowd. Avoid rolling your eyes long enough to realize that once the mic is dropped, the shotgun will be picked up. Logan Square is full to the brim, and the next in line to fall is Garfield Park. Are you going to do anything about it, or are you going to let those filthy hipsters get your neighborhood next?

And props for using the best kind of zombie: the real one, from a grave, that walks stiff and slow with jacked up body parts. “Viral” zombies that move fast are bullshit.

Yelp, The website that’s trying really hard to be a social network revolved around rating things, has released a heat map of all the locally tagged places to go to. This means you can see where all the hipster joints are so you can ironically walk around those neighborhoods, or sarcastically review these hipster places on Yelp. Or you can look up where the Kosher places are so you can stay the hell away from judgmental grandmas pushing you over for a bagel and spread. Whatever turns you on man.

My suggestion is to avoid anything dark red. If it’s over run with hipster tags, it’s full of bros. You really should head over to the pink areas. Those are the dicey areas that rich white people tend to avoid and are rich in subculture.

New York

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Brunch, the Hipster Meal

Chicky —  05/28/2013 —  Comments

Everyone loves brunch. You like brunch. Your mom likes brunch. Your g-ma likes brunch. Brunch is the best meal of the day, because it’s breakfast bust just a little later because you’re hungover and a lazy piece of shit. Therefore it is also the perfect meal for Hipsters.

Now you may ask yourself ‘what does this weird rap/white person video have to do with brunch and/or hipsters?’ Beats me! All I know is that the title said ‘Brooklyn’ ‘Hipster’ and ‘Brunch’, and my brain took to it like a moth to a flame. For I am a slave to title-baiting videos.

I’m just glad this is happening. If there’s one thing we need more of in this world, it’s rich white girls making fun of other rich white people. Class warfare, amiright?!?

confused_hipster

A new study came out, proving that the term ‘Hipster’ is still a derogatory term – but an entirely acceptable one – to this now marginalized and oft-hated group. (Think ‘punks’, but whiney and without any street cred.) Being a Hipster is great. This blog describes what makes being a self-described douchebag hipster so great. Once you accept the hate, you can let it flow through your veins, course into your soul and let it control your every action.

“10 percent of Americans identify as hipsters — that ill-defined category of urban, overeducated youth — while 50 percent of citizens between the ages of 18 and 29 say they wear the label with pride.”

Hipsters, REPRESENT!

//AtlanticWire

Super Mario Hipster Bros

Chicky —  05/02/2013 —  Comments

A very talented artist has given the beloved Super Mario Bros the hipster treatment. They’ve been hipster-ized if you will. And the results are predictably funny. And predictably hipster. Sadly sexism rears its ugly head, and we don’t know how Hipster any of the ladies in the Mario series would be, but I assume they’d be like the Hipster Disney Princesses.

hipster_bowser_super_mario_bros hipster_luigi_mario_bros hipster_mario_bros hipster_toad_super_mario_bros

//Laughingsquid

Mapquest to Hipsterville

Chicky —  04/17/2013 —  Comments

hipsterville

Sometimes the truth hurts real bad. This Maquest to Hipsterville is the worst. Mostly because these are the directions I take every day – yeah, I’m pretty sure I live in Hipsterville, USA. It’s not bad…all the food is organic. And we all have trustfunds…so I guess we’re like a younger, douchier, American Luxembourg? Just wait for my all-uke cover band to play our own version of Buffet’s Margaritaville.

1. Start out going all Nostalgic for Something You Never Experienced and go straight into your Grandparents’ Closet and find something to wear, ironically. 0.01 mi

  • If you’ve reached for your grandma’s diabetic socks or your grandpa’s squirrel gun, you’ve gone a little too far.

2. Take the 3rd look at yourself in the mirror. 0.001 mi

  • The ukulele you have no idea how to play is still in your right hand.
  • The vintage Remington typewriter you tell everyone you’re writing your book on has never even come close to your right hand.

3. Merge onto your Fixed Gear Bike via Pushing Off Your Compost Bin. 0.01 mi

  • Your single-origin, fair-trade coffee grounds are now on the flimsy sole of the shoes you bought thinking you were helping a third world country.
  • Your liberal arts degree is in a sweater box under your bed.

4. Take the first right into The Most Independently Owned Retailer. 0.5 mi

  • Air plants are on your right, your left, above you and behind you.
  • There is a sale on three pinecones arranged by a local artist.
  • If you reach for a $75 piece of driftwood, make sure it is whimsical or also a box

Read the rest of my sad, pathetic life at McSweeney’s.

2013_01_hispters

My Mom keeps telling me I need to find a girlfriend. My mom keeps telling me I should drink less and go back to school and get a grad degree. All this time I kept making excuses; I was too busy, I’m trying to be a comedian, etc etc. Turns out I had the right idea, but the wrong execution. I need to blame my excessive drinking and lazier-than-shit attitude on my Hipster Lifestyle.

Via Brooklyn Vegan,

Sophia Anderson — who was in the car when ex-beau Daniel Sajewski drove his parents’ Mercedes into the home of an elderly Long Island woman — was granted “conditionally dismissed” charges in Riverhead court.

Now, she needs to stay out of trouble for six months — a task she can achieve if she avoids the borough of booze and sin, said attorney John LoTurco.

“She’s doing great . . . without the negative influences of Daniel and the allure of Brooklyn,” LoTurco said, adding that Anderson is now living safely with her mom in Connecticut.

“The allure of Brooklyn was her boyfriend’s circle of friends and the hipster lifestyle that was going on at that period of time — the drinking, the drugging,” LoTurco added.

See parents? I can be a drunk driving, spoiled fuck up! It’s totally okay. I’ll just blame it on some Hipsters, then move back into Hipster detox aka living at home somewhere in southern New England (that is a requirement, not a suggestion).

Looking at the picture above, one may correctly argue that these two are just rich preppy kids who were looking to score some molly and knew that the Brooklyn Hipster kids had it. But just think of the children! All these violent video games and drugs and Hipsters will influence them to do terrible, terrible things. I’m sure these two were perfect citizens before the entered Sin City.

I’m just glad they made it out alive. Fucking Hipsters.

//Gothamist

We all like to complain about hipsters. Other hipsters excel at complaining about hipsters. Although it’s the most ironic kind of hipster bitching (and therefore also the most hip and funniest), middle aged and old people complaining about hipsters is more genuine and heartfelt. These people nurture true hatred inside of them for the liberal arts slackers they see all around them.  And if you’ve lived in a neighborhood for a good twenty years before the hipsters showed up? Well, that’s a unique kind of bile that probably causes ulcers.

So what do you do when you bitch and moan about hipsters for year with no results? Call the cops, of course. Hipsters squat, start unregulated businesses, tag and graffiti anything and everything, and party until six A.M. Monday morning  (because Friday night is like, so overdone). Some of them don’t even fill out their census! All of these are something the cops can arrest for. Looks like you could lock up all of Williamsburg.

Though maybe you shouldn’t call the police 403 times. And maybe your 9-1-1 calls shouldn’t be phony. And maybe you should chill out, gramps.

KmFsZ

“911. What is your emergency?” “Help! These hipsters are busking in the middle of the street!”

This guy is nothing if not persistent. I can applaud this stubbornness as the mark of a true redblooded American, which is so old that it’s like, beyond kitsch and loops into something resembling the postmodern. Or maybe I’m too drunk at eleven A.M. to process how pissed this guy is at hipsters living in his neighborhood. It’s been happening for years now. Dude should have moved or at least built up a tolerance.

In Chicago, Wicker Park is crammed full of hipsters. Bucktown next door is crammed full of hipsters. They’ve started spilling over into Logan Square, traditionally a Mexican neighborhood. You know why no one does this in Logan Square? Hustle. Opportunity. The taquerias are now open 24/7. The liquor stores burn through pallets of PBR in a night. There’s a guy that has a hand cart selling Mexican candy on my street who stays there all day because once the kids go to bed, the hipsters come out and Snickers are passe.

What this guy needs is to decompress and sell something that hipsters are willing to buy in spades. They’re not going anywhere. He can’t call the cops anymore (not like it ever worked out for him, anyway).  He should homebrew or sell fixie bikes or some shit.

Bonus points: check out this quote from the article, near the bottom.

“At least one of his younger neighbors, a 28-year-old who lives on Bedford and North 8th Street, feels sympathy for him: ‘I mean, he’s been there his whole life…and this shit just starts happening all around him,’ he told us. ‘I’ve always felt bad for the older residents of this area.'”

But not bad enough to move, apparently. Or to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Or to realize that your indie folk band sucks and that you should probably stop rehearsing, since you sound like a copy of a copy of a copy of a terrible Arcade Fire cover band. Fucking hipsters. Makes me sick.