In honor of our terrible twos birthday, I got a second nose piercing. Let’s make this bitch last 20. (As Im sure you can tell this is the slowest news day ever. Someone say something stupid)

We ran out of shirts. Do you still want one? I don’t want to order more if you’re going to bitch out on me.

We also understand that if we put “hipsterjew.com” on the shirt, its going to be a lot less cool. So by purchasing a shirt, you promise to tell everyone about us”

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post’s poll.

Do you get sick just thinking about matzoh? Did you starve yourself and lose 10 lbs? You should totally pick up one of the last Small and X-Small shirts.

The only shirts I have left are Small and X-Small. $5 for the shirt. $3.50 for shipping. For this week only. (week ends on next Tuesday)

email info {at} hipsterjew {dot} com

Captain Picard understands a good zinger.

The Intro and Brilliant Insults “1″ and “2″ are intended to be in one paragraph.  The remaining insults are intended as a second paragraph.  Feel free to cut and paste, mix and match.  Trolls be free!

Intro

My /person/generic and/or corporate sub-culture/political beliefs/sexual preference/religion/ has been wronged/offended/infuriated/misrepresented/slighted.

Brilliant Insult #1

You are a /dumb/foolish/foolhardy/elitist liberal/hipster Jew,/ just like that /SOB/communist/fascist/terrorist/cheese eating surrender monkey Obama!

Brilliant Insult #2

You’re a(n) /imbecile/hamster lover/liberal/terrorist/poseur/malevolent SOB/Glenn Beck fucker/worse than Hitler/Hitler/ who deserves a  /good ol’ fashion MURICAN ASS WHOOPIN’/donkey punch/beat down/to be shot/run over by a drunken long boarder.

Second Paragraph Intro (space permitting)

Further, /your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries/I fucked your mother/I know where you live.

Second Paragraph Insult #2

If you ever /insult/malign/misrepresent/marginalize my person/generic and/or corporate sub-culture/political beliefs/sexual preference/religion/ again, I’ll find you and /meet you by the flag pole at 4 PM/GUN YO PUNK AZZ DOWN!/cut you/do grievous bodily harm to you/rustle your cattle.

The Nice Jewish Boy

Breeding Grounds: Cedahurst,Long Island

Where to find: This Boychik is probably hanging out with bubby at the nursing home when he isn’t busy at his successful accounting practice doing your Rabbis taxes.
Pros: He’s secretly into weird sex.
Cons: Weird sex to nice Jewish boys = Staring into your eyes David Blaine style the entire time you bone…awk!
First Date: Starbucks

The Bad Boy

Where to find: This is the guy you met at the Matzo Ball party where that bitch Talia wore that skanky outfit and one of HER Matzo balls fell out (hardy har). He’s all about hair gel and talking about the cellphone business he works at for his dad. He ignored your messages on Jdate and is a really bad kisser.
Breeding Grounds: The Upper West Side
Pros: This guy will spend mad moneys on you
Cons: His peen is the size of a car mezuza…that means small.
First Date: A sex in the city-esq bar

The Jamband Jew

Where to find: This guy goes to Phish cover band shows at tiny places in the west village. He is really into the Disco Biscuits, Dave Mathews, and the Grateful Dead. He wears lame band t-shirts and is obsessed with wearing sandals. As a general rule…dudes should never have their gross feet exposed.
Breeding Grounds: Jew Garden Hills,Queens NY
Pros: He always has weed
Cons: These dudes are nothing like Seth Rogan
First Date: Family Guy at his place with all of his brahs.

The Bal-Teshuvah

Where to find: This is the guy you met at that Aish shiur about Torah codes. His parents are Reform so there’s all this Jewish stuff hes so excited to learn about.His enthusiasm is cute until he starts talking about how hes looking find a wife who will stay home,cover her hair and give birth to at least seven of his children.
Breeding Grounds: Upper West side
Pros: You wont have to ever work again and hes into having lots of sex.Now you can finally move into your barbie dream house in Five Towns Long Island!
Cons: The Tay Sachs Blood test says you guys cant date……Sorry!
First Date: A Shabbat meal at his Rabbis house

The Israeli

Breeding grounds: Tel-Aviv
Pros: His English sucks so you don’t have to hear him talk about how U2 is one of the greatest bands of all time.He is a really good kisser.
Cons: He’s only hollering at you because he wants you to be his Green card wife. He got herpes from the last birthright girl he nailed with his Uzi.
First Date: The Birth Right Mega Event

The Hipster Jew Boy

Breeding Grounds: Williamsburg
Where to find: At the dreidel spinning contest that’s being sponsored by Vice, Myopenbar, and FourLoko. He wears Jeans tighter then yours and he is into 90′s R&B music ironically. Writes for a blog about the DIY lifestyle and gets $90 haircuts.
Pros: You can share cloths and talk about why The Gila monster is the new Unicorn.
Cons: He’s a Vegan who cant even drive. (high five to anyone who gets that reference)
First Date: The Wavves show

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It’s pathetic. A waste of internet paper if you ask me.

So check out the entire, 300+ page long list of SXSW participants. If you know anyone coming, please comment or send us a link at music [at] hipsterjew [d0t] com.

You’ll see our half-assed list in a couple weeks, of all the greatest bands with Jews that you’ve never heard of.

Thanks.

-Chicky

Uh, the bottom link, not the Orthodox stripper.

Yes, that’s right, “Chicky returns from Israel and decides she hates Amtrak” yada yada yada. Now, besides the obvious, which is that Chicky is a bozo for hating Amtrak, there’s also the fact that Heeb chose the wrong pronoun to describe him. Now, if Chicky were someone else, I would blame Heeb for calling my friend a woman. But because Chicky is who he is, I blame Chicky on this one. Now, I’m not saying he should abadon the name Chicky. I think it is a unique name, and it makes me feel special when people who don’t call Chicky Chicky are confused by my use of it (i.e. they don’t know him like I do). But, obviously, it creates some gender confusion. So, in my opinion, Chicky needs to change his image. I was gonna suggest he go the Jake Gyllenhaal route, because he and Jake have a similar jawline and definitely the same scrub beard, but then I realized it would be fairly insensitive of me to suggest that he imitate a goy, worse still a goy who dated Taylor Swift (however briefly). So, I’ve opted for the Jewish Jake Gyllenhaal: Adam Goldberg.

Adam Goldberg is also a Hipster.

I’m thinking two, three years of a hard workout regime, maybe a protein shake or two, and we’ll have an editor who looks like the guy who gets bayoneted in Saving Private Ryan. And then no one will ever write “she” in reference to Chicky again. I’m pullin’ for ya, buddy.

In case you haven’t been to the facebook page, we turn 1 soon. We began with humble, shitty, travel blog beginnings and have worked our way to what can only be described as “kinda mediocre, but it beats watching porn and David Sedaris all the time”. And since Chicky and the Duckman are together (for a limited time only), we figured now would be the best time to throw a shindig. Of course The Duckman will be DJing since he goes to hip bars and knows all the best Xmas tunes. And there will be beer for those without homes or families. So come gather round, and we will see you tonight in Burlington. Oh, and if you happen to be in Providence, stay tuned for a little celebration next week.

*Note: We will be signing autographs and taking pictures with any and all of our fans.