Archives For hipster-jew

hipster-jew-hanukkah

Last week we took a holiday photo for everyone. And my oh my did you love it. You loved it so much that the wonderful people at Nice Jewish Guys posted it on Facebook. 180+ likes later, it looks as if we are leading the pack for the cover of Nice Jewish Guys 2015 Calendar. We might have to change the name of the calendar to “Sometimes Nice Jewish Guys” or “Almost Nice Jewish Guys.” But still, I can’t think of anyone hotter than us right now. People mag got the wrong Jew, if you ask me.

I asked some of you jerk offs on Twitter to ask me some questions. I promised to be a snark and a dick back in return. You guys didn’t disappoint!

 

 

Hi Fuckie Chinster! Welcome to the internet. You must be new here, because the internet is an orgy of people who think they’re important and are convinced they invented sex. Buzzfeed, NYTimes…whatever large stupid website you’re really into doesn’t create original content. Maybe Reddit does, if ‘taking pictures and making a joke’ counts as original content! Also, if you look really really hard we have an occasional article of original content. But only some sort of art critic would claim that shitty imitations aren’t as good as the original. We’re better than the original content: Sassier, with more spelling errors, and fucked up opinions.

So to answer quickly, yes, it’s true. Or to explain with this internet shorthand I invented:
TL:DR Yes, It’s True.

 

Ah! A Shaygetz! My favorite. You could lie. It’s morally wrong, but there’s definitely worse things on the list of moral trangressions. I’d say just be yourself – and look for a Jewish girl who is ‘culturally’ Jewish. They’re the ones who won’t discriminate their love exclusively to brothers of the Tribe.

 

Good question! Manischewitz, also known in South America as ‘Jew Wine’, is made from the souls of dead grandparents. Let me tell you, those souls are sour as shit. So to make them less sour, we thrown in a pound of sugar. It’s okay, we own the sugar trade, so it costs us like 12 cents. All part of our master plan to get the entire world addicted to sugar. And to give you a horrible hangover after drinking so that you feel VERY VERY BAD. Little know fact: Jewish people have a very low rate of alcoholism. All because of Manischewitz. Manischewitz and guilt, you deadbeat.

 

 

Didn’t he? I mean…that’s not the conversation I went to get into. Let’s talk about Jesus and what we know: He was a Jew; he was a Rebel; he was a carpenter. If we didn’t kill him, someone else would have. Sure, it wasn’t the best move, but it self-preservation. Masada would happen soon. The destruction of the 2nd Temple would happen soon. The last the Israelites wanted was to be genocided. Give up one crazy guy who claimed to speak to God, and save your people.

 

Also, let’s be honest. Everyone wants to be a martyr, and Jesus played it really well. Was it sad? Yes. But would you be able to sin with premarital sex and drugs and rock and roll if He hadn’t died for you? No.

So shut up and start thanking us – we did you a favor. Christianity wouldn’t exist without us.

Follow us @hipsterjew.

Hi everyone!

It’s the summer and no one likes to be on their stupid hot computer. So we’ve decided to rebuild our website while you’re at the beach. Expect a lot of changes in the next month. Expect a lot of bad links. Expect a lot of bad design. Expect a lot of things, just don’t expect much from us.

<3 – Hipster Jew

happy-birthday-hipsterjew

3 years ago The Duckman and Chicky started this blog. We’ve gained some Hebros and Shebros to our irreverent cause. We’ve watched Jewish parody videos die. Seen the rebirth of Hipsters and blogged about it. And we’ve done it all for you.

But we’re 3 years old now, bitches! Time to get a haircut and do some mitzvot, because that’s all that 3 year old children are good for! PBRs for some, miniature American flags for others!

2nd Nose Piercing for Hipster Jew

In honor of our terrible twos birthday, I got a second nose piercing. Let’s make this bitch last 20. (As Im sure you can tell this is the slowest news day ever. Someone say something stupid)

Do I have to spell this out for you? The easiest way to meet a Jewish Hipster is to wear one of our shirts. The easiest way to meet Hipsters is to wear one of our shirts. The easiest way to meet Jews is to wear one of our shirts. Even if you aren’t Jewish or a Hipster, and are just interested in some freaky-deaky subculture lovin’. This shit is hotttt hottt hawtttttt!

Just read some of these testimonies from a random HJ shirt wearer (definitely NOT Chicky)

“I was wearing an HJ Tee at this super undergound party at this warehouse where a record label is located. You never heard of them, but let’s just say they discovered a certain band that rhymes with Smeach Shmouse.  A different band that you’ve never heard of played. If I had to describe them I’d say they were a mix between LCD Soundsystem and Metric.  And then their foxy female singer totally started hitting on me because of my grey HJ v-neck graphic Tee. One thing led to another, and I found myself shirtless in her bed, discussing our favorite David Berman lyrics from the Silver Jews  while ripping a J.
Best. Night. Ever.”

Seriously. People out there get drunk and waste their hard earned $$$ on worthless shit like a Hearts Greatest Hits cd. An HJ Tee will be a drunken gift to yourself or a loved one that you wont regret the next morning. I promise.

tits

The Duckman —  09/08/2011 —  Comments

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We ran out of shirts. Do you still want one? I don’t want to order more if you’re going to bitch out on me.

T-Shirt Sale!

Hipster Jew —  04/27/2011 —  Comments

Do you get sick just thinking about matzoh? Did you starve yourself and lose 10 lbs? You should totally pick up one of the last Small and X-Small shirts.

The only shirts I have left are Small and X-Small. $5 for the shirt. $3.50 for shipping. For this week only. (week ends on next Tuesday)

email info {at} hipsterjew {dot} com

An intelligible insult on the internet is rarer than a Hipster Jew t-shirt.  This bothers me.  To fix this, I have created the all-purpose, generic insult. 

Captain Picard understands a good zinger.

The Intro and Brilliant Insults “1” and “2” are intended to be in one paragraph.  The remaining insults are intended as a second paragraph.  Feel free to cut and paste, mix and match.  Trolls be free!

Intro

My /person/generic and/or corporate sub-culture/political beliefs/sexual preference/religion/ has been wronged/offended/infuriated/misrepresented/slighted.

Brilliant Insult #1

You are a /dumb/foolish/foolhardy/elitist liberal/hipster Jew,/ just like that /SOB/communist/fascist/terrorist/cheese eating surrender monkey Obama!

Brilliant Insult #2

You’re a(n) /imbecile/hamster lover/liberal/terrorist/poseur/malevolent SOB/Glenn Beck fucker/worse than Hitler/Hitler/ who deserves a  /good ol’ fashion MURICAN ASS WHOOPIN’/donkey punch/beat down/to be shot/run over by a drunken long boarder.

Second Paragraph Intro (space permitting)

Further, /your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries/I fucked your mother/I know where you live.

Second Paragraph Insult #2

If you ever /insult/malign/misrepresent/marginalize my person/generic and/or corporate sub-culture/political beliefs/sexual preference/religion/ again, I’ll find you and /meet you by the flag pole at 4 PM/GUN YO PUNK AZZ DOWN!/cut you/do grievous bodily harm to you/rustle your cattle.