I asked some of you jerk offs on Twitter to ask me some questions. I promised to be a snark and a dick back in return. You guys didn’t disappoint!
Hi Fuckie Chinster! Welcome to the internet. You must be new here, because the internet is an orgy of people who think they’re important and are convinced they invented sex. Buzzfeed, NYTimes…whatever large stupid website you’re really into doesn’t create original content. Maybe Reddit does, if ‘taking pictures and making a joke’ counts as original content! Also, if you look really really hard we have an occasional article of original content. But only some sort of art critic would claim that shitty imitations aren’t as good as the original. We’re better than the original content: Sassier, with more spelling errors, and fucked up opinions.
So to answer quickly, yes, it’s true. Or to explain with this internet shorthand I invented:
TL:DR Yes, It’s True.
Ah! A Shaygetz! My favorite. You could lie. It’s morally wrong, but there’s definitely worse things on the list of moral trangressions. I’d say just be yourself – and look for a Jewish girl who is ‘culturally’ Jewish. They’re the ones who won’t discriminate their love exclusively to brothers of the Tribe.
Good question! Manischewitz, also known in South America as ‘Jew Wine’, is made from the souls of dead grandparents. Let me tell you, those souls are sour as shit. So to make them less sour, we thrown in a pound of sugar. It’s okay, we own the sugar trade, so it costs us like 12 cents. All part of our master plan to get the entire world addicted to sugar. And to give you a horrible hangover after drinking so that you feel VERY VERY BAD. Little know fact: Jewish people have a very low rate of alcoholism. All because of Manischewitz. Manischewitz and guilt, you deadbeat.
Didn’t he? I mean…that’s not the conversation I went to get into. Let’s talk about Jesus and what we know: He was a Jew; he was a Rebel; he was a carpenter. If we didn’t kill him, someone else would have. Sure, it wasn’t the best move, but it self-preservation. Masada would happen soon. The destruction of the 2nd Temple would happen soon. The last the Israelites wanted was to be genocided. Give up one crazy guy who claimed to speak to God, and save your people.
Also, let’s be honest. Everyone wants to be a martyr, and Jesus played it really well. Was it sad? Yes. But would you be able to sin with premarital sex and drugs and rock and roll if He hadn’t died for you? No.
So shut up and start thanking us – we did you a favor. Christianity wouldn’t exist without us.
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