It’s like a shitty first person role-playing videogame from the early 90′s. Except all you do is imagine some pushy Hassidic salesman while staring at lots of electronics.

I just want to know: Did B&H pay Google to get this done for them? Did Hassidim forget that the internet is where the devil lives, and where temptation lies? God must be pissed, amiright? Expect B&H stock to plummet via wrath of god.

And when you get done with looking around, you can go to the B&H website and buy a moderately priced electronic device. Unless it’s on the Sabbath. God doesn’t like it if you place orders on the day of rest

If you wanna go on the tour, check it out here.

// laughingsquid

If this is you, there is finally a way to out-shine all those other hipster assholes who show off their DIY clothes and accessories. All you have to do is join the entirely serious, non-ironic Hassidic secret police.

Hasidic patrols in Williamsburg rule the streets like real cops – driving unmarked cars, flashing emergency lights and snatching people they think are criminals, say residents and police.

Members of the private security patrols cruise the Brooklyn neighborhood listening to police scanners. They don’t carry guns and have no arrest power.

Some in the neighborhood – a mix of blacks, whites, Latinos, Hasidim and hipsters – say they help keep crime down. Others contend the patrols unfairly target people of color.(FailedMessiah)

Well yes. Odds are there is racism within this secret police. History would tend to agree that all secret police have some bias and bigotry.

Jewish residents said they’re surrounded by crime-filled public housing projects and need more eyes on the streets. Last week, police said Dwight Chaparro, 29, whacked Rabbi Mordechai Stern, 57, over the head with a wooden shelf.

It turns out if you keep entirely to your own people, then you make a lot of enemies. Others within your closed society, your neighbors who don’t care about your strange customs that you like to make others obey.

More importantly, I can guarantee that no hipsters are on this patrol. Think about being the token hipster in a sea of illegal bearded Hassidic cops. What will your friends think when you bring that up at your next Old Time Music meeting?

Only in a magical place called the lower West Side of Manhattan does something this electrifying happen. Do you think he buys and sells diamonds the same way he inspected the guitar? Either way his Rabbi must be so pleased right now.

And of course, she decided to take on the Mission Impossible. She tried to convince super-duper Orthodox Jews to stop wearing their headphone-hats. The hats that look like the old school headphone covers. I’m sure this shit isn’t going to work. Because they’ve been dressing the same way for 300 years, raising their children the same way for 3000 years. Hell, they’re still rooting for the freakin Expos. They are themselves in a time flux, in a universe where the year is 1672.

PETA was not around in 1672.

I wish her good luck.

On an aside, I’m pretty sure fur is now ‘in’ with Hipsters. It has become so vilified by activists, if any hipster is willing to get berated, they could start a new trend. Just sayin’.

Some people are outraged by this. I say, why stop there? We need to keep our Puritan values in America. I’ve had enough of those advertisements making claims that if I drink their beer, I’ll make love to lots of young women. (PBR baby, you’ll never lie to me). We especially don’t want to end up like those freaks in Europe, where you can see boobies in shampoo commercials! Won’t somebody please think of the children!?!?

Let’s regulate half-naked/fully-naked women to the interwebs. I rarely leave my house, and television is wicked passe, so there’s no reason for these indecencies to exist outside of my apartment. (Real Hipsters don’t have TeeVee)

I’m not sure which one I’d prefer to drink less.

I’ve never had the stuff, but I hope this isn’t a slap in the face by Hassidim for Georgi’s bold claim that NYC ‘made them #1′. Also, what’s the call if that truck drives through Crown Heights? Can it be taken as illegal contraband and used for after-prayer shnops?

First off, I should tell you that the captions in this video are a joke. The video itself is real, although I’ve yet to figure out where it came from and why. Kind of like that virus that refuses to leave my Dell computer…

These Hassids have definitely got some good points. Dells are cheap pieces of shit, as are most PCs. It’s why all good hipsters have Macs. Macs make you look cool, and you can make funny photoshops with them. Who am I kidding, I’m just jealous. I write this from a netbook PC. And Macs may be cool, but Linux is the new Leopard operating system. So beat the trend (but not the nerds, they always used Linux) and jump on that boat.

I like how once the computer is thrown and sparks up, all the other Hassidic Jews flock to it like seagulls at a BBQ. If only they knew of modern culture, they could have turned this opportunity into another terrible youtube parody of Office Space. Cue the ‘Ghetto Boys – Stills’.

I bet the boys (Hassids) down at B&H would cringe to see this one.

(Another Greg Y video find)

NPR, internationally known for their monotone-filled diatribes, has finally discovered something news worthy. In case you live in a cave (or Williamsburg), you may not have heard of this thing called the United States Census. It takes all of two minutes to fill out. And it lets the government know how many illegals are living in your apartment will give your neighborhood lots of socialist government money.

It’s a pretty good deal. In fact, I filled mine out. Me and my roommate cracked open a bottle of cabernet savignon, lit some candles, and got this form completed. It was one helluva Monday night.

About 66% of Americans have so far filled in their forms. But in New York City, the number is only about 50%. The men at NPR found this to be pedantically mind-blowing. “Only 50% of New Yorkers filled it out? Oh noes!?!?”  Now of course Jew York is full of illegal immigrants. So this number is actually pretty high, since they rightfully are skeptic of the government.

However, the piece goes on to mention that in Hipsterland, aka Williamsburg, only 30% have filled out their census forms. For shame Hipsters, for shame. I know that the government was never ‘cool’, that conforming to the ‘man’ is what jocks and Wall Street bankers do. But conform just once in your life. So says the TV commercials.

But not only do hipsters live in Williamsburg – we cannot forget the other side of this coin, the Hassidic Jews. They too have not been filling out their forms. It doesn’t help that they don’t watch tv, and literally live under a cultural rock. We should probably just be grateful they remember they live in America, not 1890s shtetl Poland.

One of the three Jewish Hipsters happens to be currently residing in Williamsburg. He refused to respond to my constant questioning about his own census.

If you happen to suffer from insomnia, you can listen to it here.

NPR Hipster Census Form by hipsterjew

For now on, I will refer to Williamsburg as ‘the home of eendie bands and ironic mustaches, wacky bikes and skinny jeans‘. Thank you for that little nugget, NPR.

I drive, I walk, I ride a bike. I know how each one acts. I know what each one needs. So let’s cut the crap.

Councilman Rabbi: Taking away the bike lane on Bedford Ave does not mean people will avoid riding down the street. It endangers bikers. It might reduce bike traffic, but in no way will people move over a few blocks to a new bike lane. Let’s be real. I live half a block from a bike lane and I never use it. Its a half a block in the wrong direction. Waste of time and energy.

This is just between you and me now. You see. I don’t think you really care about bikers’ safety. The people you work for don’t ride bikes. They either walk or ‘drive’ a car. I get it, Fuck bikers. You want your road back. Who wants to see ugly bike messengers ride by every minute? But you have to be shitting me if you think that Hassids are better drivers than hipsters are bike riders. I don’t need to make a pie graph on this one. You want school children safe? Hide them in closets and let them come out when they are 30.

Chicks and Dudes who want the bike lane back: You’re never going to win an argument with a rabbi. It’s not that they are always right, it’s just that they have too much hubris. I’ve argued with rabbis. I’ve fought with rabbis. But never once did their opinion change or move slightly. Some Rabbis were put on this earth to make make your life a miserable hell. I’m sure one of you went to a Jewish Day School and can attest to that statement. We are also talking about the same people who sold human organs to send kids to Day School (Organs 4 Yeshiva). You will not win the argument no matter how many bike messenger’s livers you bribe him with.

The best thing you can do is vote for a more liberal Councilman Rabbi. Maybe his heart will grow soft with old age.