Archives For Hanukkah

Every year I eat gelt. I love it. It’s terrible. Yes, those are two conflicting ideas but it’s how I feel whenever I eat it. Jews are some of the richest and most successful people in the world…there’s no way the rich Jews eat regular old gelt, right? Like is there some premium Godiva gelt I can get my hands on, or do you have to already have a trustfund?

I’m an adult. I spend money on stupid expensive shit all the time. Expensive meals, expensive craft beers. If I want to spend my money on some top of the line novelty religious holiday-themed candy, I should be able to. I mean, isn’t this America?

Gelt used to real coins made of real metal. Now we all have iTunes giftcards and debit cards. I don’t want your shitty Jewish loonies or shekels. Gimme some of that sweet sweet 100% organic fair-trade chocolate gelt. I’ll pay $5 an ounce. I don’t care, as long as I’m sitting at my menorah, looking happy, loving life.

I mean who even owns these gelt companies? I can only assume they’re owned by rich religious Jews who sell the same Jewish dreck every year. The same mediocre quality products for a mark up just because if you’re going to buy something Kosher, it needs to be EXTRA Kosher. That requires atleast 3 chubby Rabbis to taste test the food. It’s time we stop giving into the Jewish corporate holiday food and start our own DIY, local artisan chocolate movement. I will even call you a Jewish Chocolate Magician. Who’s with me?!?!?!

Okay…Fine…I’ll still enjoy lighting my menorah and eating my poor person chocolate.


Just if you’re gonna give me 8 small presents, may as well pay for top dollar food and beer, right?

Celebrate every night of Hanukkah by taking a few hits on this Menorah Bong. I am sure that this still counts as lighting for the night, right? Must be kosher to light up! I would go as far as to say this should be the only was we light our menorahs. If Hanukkah wasn’t already the official holiday for Jewish potheads

It’s a Hanukkah Miracle everyone! The Christmas knockoff of a lazy parenting trick, Elf on the Shelf, is now making it’s way to the homes of spoiled Jewish children. While Mensch on the Bench has been on shelves since since 2013, everyone knows the only way to make real money is to add other sidekicks and supporting characters (MERCHANDISIN’!). And sometimes, even though you’re a former Hasbro Exec, you need to ask people for some of their money (because spending one’s own money is too damn hard sometimes).

That’s right, people. Mensch on the Bench is so legit now. How legit? They got $150,000 from Shark Tank for 15% of the business,, AND they were mentioned in my hometown paper, The Providence Journal.

BFD, people. BFD. Remember this as the day that we finally won the WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

//via Projo

Someone really needs to tell him these aren’t the Jews who will give him lots of money and help him win elections. You did this last year Rick and it didn’t win you anything then. Quit while you’re still a douche. #sorrybutnotsorrychabad


Sarah Silverman’s sister, Rabbi Susan Silverman, was arrested at the Western Wall early last year after refusing to remove her prayer shawl. Susan is a member of Women of the Wall, a feminist organization trying to ensure that all types of Jews are welcome to pray at this holy site in their own fashion. And last night Sarah Silverman joined her sister and lit a menorah as a proverbial ‘fuck you’ to the religious extremists that are in charge of the wall. Sarah’s in town for the Bar Mitzvah of her nephew, so she’s awesome for being a great aunt and a supporter of equality within Judaism (wherever possible).

Happy Hanukkah, Sarah. We hope you can light whatever you want at the Wall, whether it’s a menorah, or joint, or a joint in the shape of a menorah.


Sometimes it’s all about compromising. One reddit user’s solution to the multidenominational household. May I present: the Menorahtree

Mr. Decembers

The Duckman —  09/23/2014 —  Comments


Hi guys. It’s us. Hipster Jew. The Jewish new year is coming up next week, and what better time to tell you that we are in the NICE JEWISH GUYS CALENDAR 2015! We will be sitting at the back of the calendar, judging everyone as they slowly get through the entire year. But no seriously. We’re the month of December. Reminding you that you need to buy another calendar for all of your friends. I mean, what else are you going to get them, even if we won’t be back for 2016?

it's happening
You can buy it at Urban Outfitters, Modern Tribe, Kitson.

PS Thanks to Jesse Banks III for photographing us!

Did you think cross-stitching was just for ladies living in castles in the 1600s? Me too!

Or is that embroidery? Quilting? Knitting? I don’t know.  It’s one of those things for those possessing hand-eye coordination.

Well, you (and I) were wrong. Cross-stitching isn’t just for princesses and ladies-in-waiting. Hip post-grads do it too. They do spunky cross-stitching that involves pop culture references and snide remarks! Which, in hindsight, might be my favorite sort of cross-stitching.

I’ll let the images do the talking and stop rambling. For once.


You can follow the lovely ladies who create these beautiful works of art on the Instagram (@crossstitchwitches) or even the Tumblr ( And then you can buy their affordable yet incredibly well-made items on the Etsy. Want something commissioned? Send them a sweet lil email at crossstitchwitches [at]

I know what all of my Christmas presents are going to be. And Hannukah. Both holidays… with just a dash of Kwanza for politically correctness.

We understand that you don’t read our website every day. In fact, we have the stats to prove it. So it’s understandable if you missed out on Hipster Jew’s top posts of 2k13. That’s why we are here to remind you how funny we are.

Bar Mitzvah Save the Date Video is better than your entire Bar Mitzvah

bar mitzvah We love Bar and Bat Mitzvah videos. They are always over the top, pointless, money wasting pieces of comedic gold. We love them and hope they continue forever. Daniel’s ‘save the date’ video had everything you wanted. Local celebrities, a Ludacris parody, old people trying to rap. It was perfect. And so was this article, which is why we were mentioned in an AOL video about it (which was soon after taken down, most likely because we made fun of AOL).

Please prank your parents with fake drug dealer texts UPDATE

150x150-nathan-fielder Nathan Fielder, of Comedy Central’s Nathan for You, got people to play a few hilarious texting pranks. One was to text you significant other “I haven’t been fully honest with you” and not answer or respond to anything they say. That one was mean. This one was to text your parents about a recent drug deal you made and see their response. It’s funny.

Kosher Lube For Your Shabbos Mitzvah

150x150-hassidic_wedding 2k13 was the year where rabbis tried to trick us into believing everything needs to be Kosher. In Israel they made certain cigarettes kosher for Passover. They told everyone that they can’t say if Quinoa is kosher for Passover, then they say you have to use Kosher lube when you’re sexing it up. Keep my rabbi out of my bedroom!

Internet Asifa has nothing on a Toronto Maple Leafs game

maple leas scarf The Duckman, being a huge hockey fan, noticed that the Toronto Maple Leafs playoff game against the Boston Bruins looked a bit more like Rosh Hashanah services at a Reform Temple than it did a hockey game.

The JAP Jersey Shore Show

150x150-princesses-long-island-season-1People really wanted to know about Princesses Long Island. Maybe it’s because everyone loves a Jewish American Princess. Maybe it’s because everyone loved the one phrase they kept on pushing “Shabbat Shalom! Go fuck yourself.” But apparently no one loved that show enough to actually watch it. Bravo is still considering whether it should make a second season of this crap or not.

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Now Recognizes Hanukkah

macy's dreidel balloonFor some reason unknown to all of mankind, the Jews have been left out of the Macy’s Thanksgivings Day Parade. But that all changed in 2013 when they gave us a balloonicle. Please don’t ask us what that is. We still have no idea. But it’s something, right?

“Chanukah Honey” is the only Hanukkah Parody song you should listen to

hanukkah-honeyAfter years of suffering through terrible Hanukkah parodies, we finally got one that’s funny. Maybe that’s because Rachel Bloom is hilarious. And if you haven’t checked out her Hanukkah album “Suck it, Christmas!!!” then… just click here I guess.

Is Weed Kosher for Passover?

israelweedflagThe short answer is yes. The long answer is also yes. Apparently a few hard ass rabbis and pot advocates decided to proclaim that Weed is kitniyot. It’s not. Maybe the seeds are, but most people throw that out. So we just chalk it up to hard asses being hard asses.

Purim Gone Wrong

twin-towers-purimMost people who celebrate Purim know it’s a shit show. So we took the worst things to happen on Purim and polled you to figure out which event was the worst. Was it the dad dressing up his kids in 9-11 costumes? The politician in black face? Or the guy who hung dummies outside his house?

Gilbert Gottfried reads the Sorority Girl Email

gilbert_gottfried_sorority2013 was the year we fell back in love with Gilbert Gottfried. He made a video about sexual reproduction. He did the perfect Breaking Bad voice over.

Are you feeling sad? Hanukkah is almost over! The end is near! Thanksgivukkah will never happen again, and we will never remember how glorious and niche the gifts were! Don’t you feel sad? Even just a little? It’s probably Seasonal Affective Disorder, but in case it’s not, there’s one last Hanukkah gift that will really get you into the laughing mood. I’m not being ironic or facetious about this.

This print, of a Mexican fighting Dreidel head, is amazing. If I owned a home, and was into whimsical reprints of original artwork, I would be ALL OVER THIS. But since I know I’m gonna die early, I’ve decided not to invest in anything beautiful or fun.

The Dreidel Libre Print is the only Hanukkah Art worth buying 5 of and handing them out as gifts. He’s the only Jewish Mexican fighter who has a smile on his face, even after 8 days of wrestling bouts. He’s the only fighter who has a 4-sided head AND is dressed like the genie from Alladin. In short: Dreidel Libre is perfect.


Any ladies or men wanting to wrastle naked with him, covered in oil a la Greek Olympian Style?

So ends the 8 days of homage to Etsy, and more importantly Regretsy. We hope you had a great Thanksgivukkah, and maybe you even managed to snag 1 or 2 of the best Hanukkah gifts that Etsy has to offer.

If you missed 1 or 7 of the nights, click here to read them all.