Archives For Hanukkah

Mr. Decembers

The Duckman —  09/23/2014 —  Comments

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Hi guys. It’s us. Hipster Jew. The Jewish new year is coming up next week, and what better time to tell you that we are in the NICE JEWISH GUYS CALENDAR 2015! We will be sitting at the back of the calendar, judging everyone as they slowly get through the entire year. But no seriously. We’re the month of December. Reminding you that you need to buy another calendar for all of your friends. I mean, what else are you going to get them, even if we won’t be back for 2016?

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You can buy it at Urban Outfitters, Modern Tribe, Kitson.

PS Thanks to Jesse Banks III for photographing us!

Did you think cross-stitching was just for ladies living in castles in the 1600s? Me too!

Or is that embroidery? Quilting? Knitting? I don’t know.  It’s one of those things for those possessing hand-eye coordination.

Well, you (and I) were wrong. Cross-stitching isn’t just for princesses and ladies-in-waiting. Hip post-grads do it too. They do spunky cross-stitching that involves pop culture references and snide remarks! Which, in hindsight, might be my favorite sort of cross-stitching.

I’ll let the images do the talking and stop rambling. For once.

 

You can follow the lovely ladies who create these beautiful works of art on the Instagram (@crossstitchwitches) or even the Tumblr ( crossstitchwitches.tumblr.com). And then you can buy their affordable yet incredibly well-made items on the Etsy. Want something commissioned? Send them a sweet lil email at crossstitchwitches [at] gmail.com

I know what all of my Christmas presents are going to be. And Hannukah. Both holidays… with just a dash of Kwanza for politically correctness.

We understand that you don’t read our website every day. In fact, we have the stats to prove it. So it’s understandable if you missed out on Hipster Jew’s top posts of 2k13. That’s why we are here to remind you how funny we are.

Bar Mitzvah Save the Date Video is better than your entire Bar Mitzvah


bar mitzvah We love Bar and Bat Mitzvah videos. They are always over the top, pointless, money wasting pieces of comedic gold. We love them and hope they continue forever. Daniel’s ‘save the date’ video had everything you wanted. Local celebrities, a Ludacris parody, old people trying to rap. It was perfect. And so was this article, which is why we were mentioned in an AOL video about it (which was soon after taken down, most likely because we made fun of AOL).

Please prank your parents with fake drug dealer texts UPDATE


150x150-nathan-fielder Nathan Fielder, of Comedy Central’s Nathan for You, got people to play a few hilarious texting pranks. One was to text you significant other “I haven’t been fully honest with you” and not answer or respond to anything they say. That one was mean. This one was to text your parents about a recent drug deal you made and see their response. It’s funny.

Kosher Lube For Your Shabbos Mitzvah


150x150-hassidic_wedding 2k13 was the year where rabbis tried to trick us into believing everything needs to be Kosher. In Israel they made certain cigarettes kosher for Passover. They told everyone that they can’t say if Quinoa is kosher for Passover, then they say you have to use Kosher lube when you’re sexing it up. Keep my rabbi out of my bedroom!


Internet Asifa has nothing on a Toronto Maple Leafs game


maple leas scarf The Duckman, being a huge hockey fan, noticed that the Toronto Maple Leafs playoff game against the Boston Bruins looked a bit more like Rosh Hashanah services at a Reform Temple than it did a hockey game.


The JAP Jersey Shore Show


150x150-princesses-long-island-season-1People really wanted to know about Princesses Long Island. Maybe it’s because everyone loves a Jewish American Princess. Maybe it’s because everyone loved the one phrase they kept on pushing “Shabbat Shalom! Go fuck yourself.” But apparently no one loved that show enough to actually watch it. Bravo is still considering whether it should make a second season of this crap or not.


Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Now Recognizes Hanukkah


macy's dreidel balloonFor some reason unknown to all of mankind, the Jews have been left out of the Macy’s Thanksgivings Day Parade. But that all changed in 2013 when they gave us a balloonicle. Please don’t ask us what that is. We still have no idea. But it’s something, right?


“Chanukah Honey” is the only Hanukkah Parody song you should listen to


hanukkah-honeyAfter years of suffering through terrible Hanukkah parodies, we finally got one that’s funny. Maybe that’s because Rachel Bloom is hilarious. And if you haven’t checked out her Hanukkah album “Suck it, Christmas!!!” then… just click here I guess.


Is Weed Kosher for Passover?


israelweedflagThe short answer is yes. The long answer is also yes. Apparently a few hard ass rabbis and pot advocates decided to proclaim that Weed is kitniyot. It’s not. Maybe the seeds are, but most people throw that out. So we just chalk it up to hard asses being hard asses.


Purim Gone Wrong


twin-towers-purimMost people who celebrate Purim know it’s a shit show. So we took the worst things to happen on Purim and polled you to figure out which event was the worst. Was it the dad dressing up his kids in 9-11 costumes? The politician in black face? Or the guy who hung dummies outside his house?


Gilbert Gottfried reads the Sorority Girl Email


gilbert_gottfried_sorority2013 was the year we fell back in love with Gilbert Gottfried. He made a video about sexual reproduction. He did the perfect Breaking Bad voice over.

Are you feeling sad? Hanukkah is almost over! The end is near! Thanksgivukkah will never happen again, and we will never remember how glorious and niche the gifts were! Don’t you feel sad? Even just a little? It’s probably Seasonal Affective Disorder, but in case it’s not, there’s one last Hanukkah gift that will really get you into the laughing mood. I’m not being ironic or facetious about this.

This print, of a Mexican fighting Dreidel head, is amazing. If I owned a home, and was into whimsical reprints of original artwork, I would be ALL OVER THIS. But since I know I’m gonna die early, I’ve decided not to invest in anything beautiful or fun.

The Dreidel Libre Print is the only Hanukkah Art worth buying 5 of and handing them out as gifts. He’s the only Jewish Mexican fighter who has a smile on his face, even after 8 days of wrestling bouts. He’s the only fighter who has a 4-sided head AND is dressed like the genie from Alladin. In short: Dreidel Libre is perfect.

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Any ladies or men wanting to wrastle naked with him, covered in oil a la Greek Olympian Style?

So ends the 8 days of homage to Etsy, and more importantly Regretsy. We hope you had a great Thanksgivukkah, and maybe you even managed to snag 1 or 2 of the best Hanukkah gifts that Etsy has to offer.

If you missed 1 or 7 of the nights, click here to read them all.

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Last week we took a holiday photo for everyone. And my oh my did you love it. You loved it so much that the wonderful people at Nice Jewish Guys posted it on Facebook. 180+ likes later, it looks as if we are leading the pack for the cover of Nice Jewish Guys 2015 Calendar. We might have to change the name of the calendar to “Sometimes Nice Jewish Guys” or “Almost Nice Jewish Guys.” But still, I can’t think of anyone hotter than us right now. People mag got the wrong Jew, if you ask me.

On the 7th day of Hanukkah my true love gave to me/the only think a Hipster Jew would ever want to see!

It’s a Western-style Shirt. It costs over $100. It’s Jewish. But it’s also so much more. Mostly a Jewish star and a couple lions trying to eat the Ten Commandments. Pretty much the best shirt ever made, and it’s one-of-a-kind so you won’t have to worry about seeing it on sale at Urban Outfitters ever. EVER. You can’t put a price on uniqueness. And if you had to, I’d say $125 is pretty cheap.* It’s from Nashville, so you know it’s LEGIT.

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Haven’t you always dreamed of being a Jewish cowboy?

*Sadly it is NOT for small Hipster Jews. Large ones only!

You’re probably wondering how an apathetic Hipster like myself could ever get excited about ANYTHING, never mind holidays with family members and food (ew, who even eats food these days?). Maybe you feel that way. Maybe after being with family for a weekend, you’re ready to be an apathetic asshole to everyone you meet. If that’s the case, and you’re cheap, then this next gift is the perfect budget item for you!

APATHETIC JEW DOG ONLY $5!!!

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How can you say no to a face like that? Don’t be a dick.

Sometimes I get a little ranty. People who care deeply for the Festival of Lights, I’d like to apologize in advance for this Hannukkah-themed rant. But I really don’t care that much.

Hannukkah is such a pitiful excuse to make sure Jewbabies don’t try to convert to Christianity. If eight presents is the only thing keeping someone attached to their culture/faith they should very seriously re-evaluate, well, most things. Or maybe we can all just agree that Christmas isn’t really a religious thing anymore and that everyone should probably just celebrate Commercial Christmas. Jews wrote all the Christmas songs anyway, right?

Rant over. In the most recent attempt by Jews to model their own form of winter-themed commercialized  holiday, (example: Hannukkah bushes), we have ‘Mensch on a Bench’. Not to be confused with the famous Yom Kippur children’s book, ‘JAP in the Gap’ or the infamous ‘Yid on the Grid’.

Mensch on a Bench

For those of you who are completely confused by the significance of a mensch sitting on any bench, allow me to fill you in on the ‘Christmas tradition’ from 2005, ‘Elf on the Shelf’. ‘Elf on the Shelf’ is a children’s book about a creepy little elf who spies on little boys and girls for Santa. The box set comes with your very own possessed dummy elf to watch you dream!

Who decides if something is a tradition?

Anyway, a man who used to work for HASBRO felt bad that he couldn’t buy his little Jew progeny an Elf on the Shelf. So he created Mensche on a Bench. And despite my grumbles and anti-Hannukkah sentiments, people will still buy the Jew version. And the Goy version. Because that’s what the holidays are really about isn’t it? Elfs and Menschs sitting wherever they damn well please. G-d bless us everyone.

 

 

Dear hipster jew,

can i replace latkes with french fries? im a single bro, living with other bros, and i dont wanna cook. latkes seem like a ton of work! can i just throw some frozen french fries in the oven, or even better just go buy some fries at my local pub? thanks,

french fry fiend

 

Dear French Fry Fiend,

Don’t get me wrong, french fries are good! And if you’re that much of a lazy piece of shit, I say eat so many french fries until you barf! And if you need some motivation, I DARE you to do it. Because that’s a good stereotype for bros, being unable to step down from a challenge. Okay?

Alright. Is he gone? Good. I wanna talk to everyone else for a second.

What type of asshole chooses french fries over latkes? Why would you not make some frozen hash browns instead? Hell, add some hash to your hash browns and then you’ll have the best Hanukkah ever. But french fries? That’s neither American NOR Jewish, atleast not when it comes to our greatest cultural holidays. Next you’ll eat a Turkey sandwich with a dinner roll and call it a Thanksgivukkah meal?

It’s the holidays for Christ’s sake. Let’s have SOME dignity here.

~ HipsterJew

 

Dear Hipster Jew,

Both of my boyfriends got me the same Hanukkah present, the latest Maccabeats CD. They don’t even know the other person exists! Am I that predictable? And what I am supposed to do with two copies?

Sincerely,

J.A.P, Jewish American Playa

 

Dear J.A.Playa,

Yes, you are predictable. I’m sure both boyfriends assume you are cheating on them, but they’d prefer to live in a fairy tale land. Also, you give good head, so they’re not gonna complain (yet!). And the ‘trickle down economy’ of your dad’s money isn’t hurting either. I’d say accept the two gifts and just be glad these two haven’t run into each other at a bar and played Jewish Geography, or friended the other one on Facebook.

As for your double Maccabeats album, this is an easy one. Give one to your parents! They’ll think you’re really into being Jewish, and if you’ve played your cards right they only know about the Jewish decoy boyfriend anyway. Nothing like getting points with your parents without even having to spend their money on them!

~HipsterJew

 

If you have any other terrible questions you need answered terribly, please email us info [at] hipsterjew [dot] com.

The Jewish holidays bring out the worst in people. Particularly, holiday-related videos. These two below are pretty wonderful, in their own ridiculous, terrible way.

(Thanks Wendy Warrelmann!)

This video is all about the ‘boss’ CCCCCCHanukkah parties that could be had in the early 90s. It’s confusing and more importantly terrible. But everyone knows terrible is code for awesome. Therefore, this video is awesome.

(Thanks Mike Pecoriello!)

This video is great for how terribly it is sung. It’s like being back at synagogue but only all the old people are allowed to sing. Off key. And they’re allowed to change the words to songs and make them old person ‘funny’.

If you start running out of conversation while visiting family, just put up these two videos and slowly back out of the room. You know where you weed/alcohol/shroom stash is.