Keep on living you crazy son of a bitch. But don’t worry, with Rand Paul winning, we will finally have the crazy asshat we always wanted. The Government is about entertainment. Not legislating. Its about strip clubs. Not family values. GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Its not my fault! I totally voted in Florida while living in New York. We all know liberals cheat at elections. Look! 4sq says it all. BWAHAHAHAH I totally lied and didn’t vote (take that 4sq). But If I did, you’re sure as hell right this guy would have had my vote.

On top of that, they refuse to buy me a smartphone with a data plan. I feel terribly out of place everywhere I go. I still spend hours daily, pouring over obscure movie and music trivia facts, just so I can impress people with my obscure and bourgeoisie sophistication. Having a pretty face just isn’t enough to get by these days. But now all my friends call me out when I make a mistake. Who cares if it was Louis XII who was called ‘Le Père du Peuple’, and not James Earl Jones.

I heard rumors about this foursquare program that all the cool kids are using. I don’t know what it is. I know it’s not that amazing childhood sport that hipsters like myself still play. I do know that I can’t become the ‘Mayor’ of my local divebar, which means no free gravy fries with my $20 Monday night tab. I’m told all the cool kids use it to update their Twatter accounts, but I can barely understand how the Hipsterjew Twat works.

Look, this is pretty frickin embarrassing but I’m going to trust you wont tell any of my friends….I still have to print out Googlemaps for directions. The Duckman tells me most people use an ‘app’ for that, which I think is short for Apple Macintosh Computer.

Readers, all I want is a iPhone 4G. I wont complain about how shitty the service is. Ok, that’s a lie — it’s the reason I have this blog. But I’d appreciate it helluva lot more than you do. And it’s extremely hard to keep up on my Yahoo! News Updates (for the keywords ‘Jews’, ‘Hipsters’, ‘Williamsburg’, ‘Israel’, and ‘Bar Rafaeli naked’) without a 24/7 connection.

Now that the mainstream is getting back into four square and remembering their childhood of double taps and scraped knees (without the irony), what will hipsters do in their free time?

I suggest take up a new sport before this one goes to the Olympics. Take up pickle ball. No one will buy it as a real game.

via barstool sports