Hipster Jew » Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg pisses off Moshiach, innocent 11th grade girls in Chabad school pay the price.

Dov — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 20:55:28 +0000

An all-girls Chabad high school has apparently told some 11th grade students that they have to delete their facebook accounts AND pay a 100 dollar fine, or be expelled.

My exclusive sources tell me that this is a direct result of Moshiach (the Jewish Messiah) being very unhappy for having been forced to accept the new facebook layout, ‘Facebook Timeline.’ He hates it. “It took me a year to get used to the previous damn layout,” he says. “and now they have to go and change it??!!?! Go yourself, Zuckerberg. I don’t care to have every Moses, Jacob, or Elijah reading any late night drunken post-breakup status updates from 2009, thank you very much.”

When asked why he chose to specifically target 11th grade girls, Moshiach’s response was vague: “I just really, you know, like the number 11, man, ya know, like, it looks like 2 spliffs just sitting right next to each other, just hangin around waitin to be smoked! You know what I’m sayin, man?” He then awkwardly put his arm around the interviewer, abruptly ending the interview.

Best Facebook Movie Ad Ever

Alex - Resident Goy Writer — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 21:32:27 +0000

Why is it the best ever? Because it tells me everything I need to know about the movie:

Guy Pearce is in it.
There’s a photo of Guy Pearce
He saves the President’s kidnapped daughter.
Space Prison
Space Prison (again! Some copywriter actually wrote down “space prison” and then they used that phrase)

I know some companies launch huge ad blitzes with their expensive whistles and their bells like trailers and hypertext links to those trailers, but this ad could only get better if they mentioned it was written by Luc Besson and that Peter Stromare is in it (both of which are true).

Facebook needs a new like button

The Duckman — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 21:46:20 +0000

ehyyyyy

Everyone talks about a facebook *dislike* button. Or even a facebook *love* button. Possibly custom buttons too. In my opinion, there is only one button missing. And that’s the Fonz like button.

Viral Texting

Alex - Resident Goy Writer — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 22:30:24 +0000

Above you’ll see today’s Rex Morgan, M.D. If you’re not familiar with the strip, it’s one of the longer running comic strips, having begun its life in 1948 as a sort of Funnies PSA, in which the eponymous Rex (not present in this strip) would confront some patient’s pressing medical dilemma in his hometown of Glendale. Then things got strange and went into soap-opera zone. Rex has been involved in shoot-outs, become mentor to a kid whose mother was blown up in a meth-lab explosion (she got better, though) and discovered one of his best friends was an imposter leading to Rex standing in the middle of football field with a briefcase full of money to make a handoff to some blackmailers.

Still, apparently the day-to-day humdrum of your average comics page private practice doctor has not been exciting enough to attract younger readers, and as such it would appear the current writers have begun attempting to inject some “real life” into their fictional creation. Namely: technology. It began relatively innocently with Glendale’s Mayor Dalton’s prostate having a “Pacebook” page (which has since manifested as a real facebook page).

This week they went one step further and attempted to forecast trends with something called “viral texting.” Now, I have no idea who these characters are (or who they’re talking about), except that they are obviously “young people” (although, to be fair, Rex Morgan hasn’t aged much since 1948, except for some greying behind the ears a la Reed Richards). My favorite is that the guy, who is so young and “with it” that he sits on top of the picnic table and drinks soda, has the ability to view “viral texting” with the detachment of someone much longer in the tooth and call it “the jungle drums of youth.” We should all be so lucky to have such poetic friends.

This one came via my brother.

The #1 reason you should use Google+

Chicky — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 21:10:25 +0000

You know that when your parents and grandparents are using Facebook, it’s time to find a new social networking site. But what else is there? Friendster is no longer in the networking business. You’ve heard a lot about Google+ …if only it wasn’t a fucking ghost town.

And then it dawns on you. A ghost town. Nobody uses it right now. But do you know who is never going to use it? Your parents. Your uncles. Your exes (and if they are on it you never have to friend them).

What I’m trying to say is that with Google+ you can start a new life. You can start over. You can ignore all those mistakes you made on Facebook. You know, the ones which you always see because Facebook logs all your conversations now. All those pictures of you in college acting like the naive jackass you were. You can hide from family members who are either ashamed of you or embarrassed of your relaxed, yet coarse language. You can finally be you.

Google, I’m giving this idea to you for free. Don’t fuck this one up. You finally have a demographic for Google+. I’m bored with your ‘exclusive but not actually exclusive’ social networking attitude. Stop pussyfooting and let technophiles embrace the Google global domination of 2025. Thanks.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November.

Schlitz Lipz — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 22:00:30 +0000

Fellow HJ’s! The time to act is now. There is an evil group out there trying to destroy my one and only love.

And I don’t think our love is pathetic at all.

The ol’ bookface and I have had some problems in the past. But I mean, don’t all couples have their issues? Every issue was all sorted out when I de-activated for 24 hours in a fit of Emersonian guilt. We talked about our issues and are stronger because of it!

But, enough about my emotionally abusive relationship with social networking sites and back to these facebook-destroying shenanigans. There is a group called anonymous. They think they are SOOOOOO coool because they wear Guy Fawkes masks like the characters from V for Vendetta. And because they are big fans of civil disobedience. Meh.

Well, a group of people that were not Anonymous (the group) planted this video, pretending they were, IN FACT, Anonymous. In the video they speak of “Operation Facebook”, which is a plan to destroy facebook on the 5th of November (creative). However, the ACTUAL guys with the V for Vendetta copy-mask-faces soon made it clear they had no part in this plan by saying, “wtf, this isn’t us!”

Though my fears should be assuaged by Anonymous’ innocence, I’m still terrified. What if this hoax video is not a complete hoax? What if they are successful in their attempt to take away my reason for living on this unholy Guy Fawkes Day?

I know that as hipsters, we are supposed to shy away from mainstream things like the facebook even if it is a great way to show artsy photos of you looking at graffiti or smoking hookah on some grassy lawn situation. As Jews, we are supposed to stay away from technology unless it makes us money (its one of the Ten Commandments I think). So, as a people, y’all are like… “Why does this matter to me? I don’t give a flying patoot if facebook is destroyed by some group, even in a fake way.”

All I can tell you is you need to protect yourself because someone out there is trying to take your freedom of drunk-commenting on your freshmen roommate’s slutty Halloween pictures. Are you fully prepared for that? I don’t think so.

When Facebook micro-advertises

The Duckman — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 21:45:47 +0000

Who do I blame for stereotyping me; Facebook or Pepsi? Either way, I’m not voting for another fucking holocaust museum. Those things are so depressing. And tolerance museums are over-rated. Why can’t Pepsi ask if I want to help out towns without titty bars, Indian reservations without casinos, or kids that are too fat for reality tv. You know… something a little less stereotypical, depressing, boring, and over-funded. Oh thats right. They told Facebook to show this ad to anyone with a huge shnoz. Isn’t that a little hypocritical, Zuckerberg?

You’re so out Pepsi.

Dear Facebook ads, you make me want to convert to Google+ism

Schlitz Lipz — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 16:35:41 +0000

I was on this vestigial social networking device (I don’t know if you remember it) and right up next to the navy blue masthead and a creative, sexy, and awe-inspiring status from yours truly was a disturbing advertisement. It was so disturbing, I had to click on it, it was like Pandora’s box…or Pandora’s advertisement or Pandora. Ok. Maybe not the last one.

Not all advertisements on this pathetic social networking device are evil. For example, when my bookface status was, “DAMN, I WANT SOME CHOCOLATE IN MY BELLY RIGHT NOW!”, an advertisement for Reese’s was foisted upon me. And it excited me. I was impressed and I said to facebook, “good decision” And everyone smiled and laughed and went to their local 7-Eleven to celebrate with some peanut butter and chocolatey goodness.

Indeed, a place of sunshine and smiles.

But then facebook disappointed me. Or confused me. Or made me sick in my mouth? One of those, not sure which one.

AMTC. These was the 4 letters that described this advertisement. AMTC? Was this some new chocolate I had never heard of?

No.

No it was not.

It was this.

Actors, Models, and Talent for CHRIST?

Christ?

I’m not an actor. I’m not a model. I’m not talented. And I’m not a follower of the zombie Christ. The blog I write for is not called Hipster Christian. It is in fact called, “Hipster Jew”.

This is entirely too positive and encouraging to have anything to do with me.

Who do you think I am facebook? It’s like you don’t even know me anymore.

Maybe its time we went our separate ways. I will be sure to accidentally-on-purpose run into you with my laptop at hand, google+ on the open. But only after six months when you swear your over me. You’ll never be over me, facebook. Never.

PS: I was on Google+ BEFORE it was open to the public. Yep. That cool.

Hassidic Facebook will let you troll for dudes

Chicky — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 17:10:58 +0000

I always love when Hassids try to join real people on the internet. They want to be ‘in’ and ‘hip’, but they can’t. Because their incredibly conservative religious views don’t allow them to do things that are fun, or to be ‘influenced’ by society. Since all society is inherently evil, they aren’t even supposed to use Facebook, where they may accidentally see a girl’s ankles and elbows.

But, now that there is a social networking site made specifically for Hassids. Faceglat.com

Every knows that women go to the left because lefties are freaks.

Faceglat.com is ultra Jewish logical conclusion to Facebook. You aren’t supposed to talk to the opposite sex in real life (thereby ensuring another generation of socially retarded spouse-abusers), atleast not until you get married. SO it only makes sense that you shouldn’t be friends with women on the internet, which may lead you to be friends with them in real life, and then realize that they are real people who should be treated with respect.

That’s the hidden beauty of the site. Men can only be friends with men, and women can only be friends with women. Know what this means? If you are a gay Hassidic man, this site is perfect for you! You can connect to all the other gay Hassidic men in the world, without any obstacles, or the need to use Craigslist. Trolling for dudes just got a little easier.

And it’s totally Kosher.

(Via Failed Messiah)

I don’t care if it’s your birthday

Chicky — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 16:55:35 +0000

(Click to Enlargen a strangers life)

Oh look! It’s my old friend John Gibbord! I haven’t talked to him in about 6 years. But we are facebook friends! And it just so happens to be his birthday today.

Everyday facebook tells me about some friend who has a birthday. Facebook has totally decimated my need to remember important dates. Hell, if it wasn’t for facebook I wouldn’t even know what month it is. July, it turns out.

But the worst part is the birthdays. Nearly everyday you are expected to say ‘hey happy birthday, hope it’s a good one!’ to someone you don’t give a rat’s ass about. But you are expected to because of facebook etiquette. Fuck that.