Archives For Facebook

Our favorite website in the world, Clickhole (a sister site to The Onion and A.V. Club), wrote a wonderful article on 5 tragedies Adam Sandler predicted. The article is hilariously fake just like everything else on the website.

But apparently some people didn’t get it. Besides for a few twitter and facebook posts questioning how Adam Sandler knew about these tragedies, someone at Stormfront used this article to perpetuate his/her belief that Jews control the media.

stromfront-sandler

If anything of this is true, just shows how Jews do make **** happen and probably communicate via movies

Which was followed by a few hilarious replies from people that didn’t get it.

This comes as no surprise, all the Jews know what the schedule is, and follow it accordingly, with no incidents.

And then hilarious replies by people that did get it.

This article is satire. There is no-where on the web that can prove any of it. I call bull****.

Here is a bit of propheting for you that might be useful: Jews invent crazy conspiracy theories and theorists (Alex ‘shoutyhead’ Jones anyone) all the time to discredit the true ‘conspiracy’ that they have control of the government and the media.

Thank you Neo Nazis. Because of you and others that do not know how to read, Facebook will be supplying us with “satire” labels.

fresh-prince-mom

Every year since Hipster Jew started, I made up a list of things I didn’t want to see in the new year (2011) (2012) Often time, whatever I ask to stop becomes bigger and more powerful. I almost turned this into a Karma – reverse psychology situation, but thought better of that. I mean why break from tradition?

  1. People bitching about online privacy – You have no online privacy. Anything you type or post on the internet is there for life and for everyone to see. So stop bitching about it. Stop bitching about Facebook’s privacy setting and just make your Facebook open to everyone. Don’t post what shouldn’t be on the internet. If you hate Instagram’s new privacy policy, then just stop using Instagram. Also stop stealing images off of other people’s websites. Stop downloading music and movies. Stop taking other people’s content without permission. Because shit, that’s all they wanted to do, but to you.
  2. No Bar / Cash Bar Weddings – According to Facebook, all of my friends got engaged in the past month. If you happen to invite me to your wedding, I request one thing to keep our friendship going; an open bar. I need to drown out my sorrows and pretend I’m happy for you as you make the next step in your life. So please be considerate of me. At least make your wedding BYO. I promise not to make a giant fool of myself.
  3. 1 minute commercials on 3 minute music videos – Online advertising is huge. So huge, there are companies that think they can get away with posting massive video ads in places they shouldn’t be. How much of a bitch is it to go through a Youtube playlist only to spend 1/3 of the time watching car commercials? Enough is enough. Cut them down to 15 seconds or GTFO.
  4. Beer Gimmicks – What the hell does poking a hole in your can do? Who does my beer need to be frozen for me to drink it? How come there is this twister thing going on in my bottles? Do you really think adding a word like Platinum will make your beer taste better? Can you work on making your beer not taste like shit rather than these dumb gimmicks? No? Okay.
  5. Super short attention spans in the news – I know we have a terrible attention span, but I think we need to put more thought and effort into things we get really angry about for a week. KONY was a joke. There is a reason why we never posted anything about it. You all got fooled by the nonsense that any second year college student could see through. Treyvon, while a terrible situation, came in like a flash and out with the long trial process and actual facts of the case. I hate to ask you to think before you act, but… yeah. Then again, if we all thought before we acted, we wouldn’t have the 24 hour comedy show on Fox News.
  6. Jewish Memes – Besides for every Jewish Meme being terrible and not funny, there is also something to say about the accuracy of them. For example, Good Guy Rabbi won’t tell you that you can’t eat pork. He also doesn’t mind you wishing him a Merry Christmas. But when it comes to women wearing a tallit by the Western Wall, or going to the cops when a child in the community is molested, well, Good Guy Rabbi can hardly be found. Sure, Jews can get along great with non Jews, but Jews do not get along with other Jews. Fix that before you spread your bad meme propaganda.
  7. Mass Murder – Stop. Just Staahp.
  8. Unemployment – How hard is it to give everyone a job? Just have people them shuffle papers and plug in numbers into excel sheets like we did in the 90’s. Give them 28k a year and call it in. 0% unemployment. I just fixed the economy.

zuckerberg-family

Oh, how the mighty tables have turned.

Randi Zuckerberg, older sister of Mark Zuckerberg, was sitting at home with her family, when Mark decided to show everyone his penis using the new Facebook *POKE* app. During this wonderful moment of shock, Randi decided to take a photo and post it on Facebook.

Obsessive tweeter Callie Schweitzer saw this photo and reposted it on the interwebs. Guess who wasn’t happy their personal facebook photo is all over the internet? RANNNNNDIIIIII.

After a little back and forth between Randi and Callie on twitter, Callie apologized, like all marketing professionals would do, and Randi accepted, like all power hungry facebook family members would do. Why someone would have to apologize for posting something someone by accident made public? I have no idea. It’s like when Dick Cheney shot someone’s face off and the guy apologized for being shot. This is exactly like that.

No changes have been made to the Facebook privacy settings or rules since this incident, now that the royal facebook family has been attacked. But Randi did come out with a statement that I am sure will be in the next user agreement.

Digital etiquette: always ask permission before posting a friend’s photo publicly. It’s not about privacy settings, it’s about human decency.

Someone’s never used the internet before.

Well this makes me uncomfortable.

We all have some embarrassments in our lives.

Guilty secrets if you will.

Or maybe we just really thought something was cool in high school and then got over it but didn’t get rid of it our “like” section on the ol’ book of faces.

And that doesn’t  make us someone you should de-friend from FACEBOOK! We all make mistakes, but at least we’re willing to act super pretentious now to make up for it.

That works right?

Right?

So friends when you find out via Buzzfeed that I “like” Limited Too, Lisa Frank, capri pants, 17 Magazine, nick.com, and smelly erasers: Don’t judge me. Just accept that you were once like me.

But it’s ok. We’re cool now. We live in up-and-coming areas of our respective cities. We know the trendy venues. We eat at the environmentally responsible dining establishments. Hush child, do not fear. You have at least 10-15 years before you get lame again.

Use it well.

As reported by FailedMessiah,

An all-girls Chabad high school has apparently told some 11th grade students that they have to delete their facebook accounts AND pay a 100 dollar fine, or be expelled.

My exclusive sources tell me that this is a direct result of Moshiach (the Jewish Messiah) being very unhappy for having been forced to accept the new facebook layout, ‘Facebook Timeline.’  He hates it.  “It took me a year to get used to the previous damn layout,” he says.  “and now they have to go and change it??!!?! Go <expletive> yourself, Zuckerberg.  I don’t care to have every Moses, Jacob, or Elijah reading any late night drunken post-breakup status updates from 2009, thank you very much.”

When asked why he chose to specifically target 11th grade girls, Moshiach’s response was vague: “I just really, you know, like the number 11, man, ya know, like, it looks like 2 spliffs just sitting right next to each other, just hangin around waitin to be smoked!  You know what I’m sayin, man?”  He then awkwardly put his arm around the interviewer, abruptly ending the interview.

 

 

Why is it the best ever? Because it tells me everything I need to know about the movie:

  1. Guy Pearce is in it.
  2. There’s a photo of Guy Pearce
  3. He saves the President’s kidnapped daughter.
  4. Space Prison
  5. Space Prison (again! Some copywriter actually wrote down “space prison” and then they used that phrase)

I know some companies launch huge ad blitzes with their expensive whistles and their bells like trailers and hypertext links to those trailers, but this ad could only get better if they mentioned it was written by Luc Besson and that Peter Stromare is in it (both of which are true).


ehyyyyy

Everyone talks about a facebook *dislike* button. Or even a facebook *love* button. Possibly custom buttons too. In my opinion, there is only one button missing. And that’s the Fonz like button.

Above you’ll see today’s Rex Morgan, M.D. If you’re not familiar with the strip, it’s one of the longer running comic strips, having begun its life in 1948 as a sort of Funnies PSA, in which the eponymous Rex (not present in this strip) would confront some patient’s pressing medical dilemma in his hometown of Glendale. Then things got strange and went into soap-opera zone. Rex has been involved in shoot-outs, become mentor to a kid whose mother was blown up in a meth-lab explosion (she got better, though) and discovered one of his best friends was an imposter leading to Rex standing in the middle of football field with a briefcase full of money to make a handoff to some blackmailers.

Still, apparently the day-to-day humdrum of your average comics page private practice doctor has not been exciting enough to attract younger readers, and as such it would appear the current writers have begun attempting to inject some “real life” into their fictional creation. Namely: technology. It began relatively innocently with Glendale’s Mayor Dalton’s prostate having a “Pacebook” page (which has since manifested as a real facebook page).

This week they went one step further and attempted to forecast trends with something called “viral texting.” Now, I have no idea who these characters are (or who they’re talking about), except that they are obviously “young people” (although, to be fair, Rex Morgan hasn’t aged much since 1948, except for some greying behind the ears a la Reed Richards). My favorite is that the guy, who is so young and “with it” that he sits on top of the picnic table and drinks soda, has the ability to view “viral texting” with the detachment of someone much longer in the tooth and call it “the jungle drums of youth.” We should all be so lucky to have such poetic friends.

This one came via my brother.

You know that when your parents and grandparents are using Facebook, it’s time to find a new social networking site. But what else is there? Friendster is no longer in the networking business. You’ve heard a lot about Google+ …if only it wasn’t a fucking ghost town.

And then it dawns on you. A ghost town. Nobody uses it right now. But do you know who is never going to use it? Your parents. Your uncles. Your exes (and if they are on it you never have to friend them).

What I’m trying to say is that with Google+ you can start a new life. You can start over. You can ignore all those mistakes you made on Facebook. You know, the ones which you always see because Facebook logs all your conversations now. All those pictures of you in college acting like the naive jackass you were. You can hide from family members who are either ashamed of you or embarrassed of your relaxed, yet coarse language. You can finally be you.

Google, I’m giving this idea to you for free. Don’t fuck this one up. You finally have a demographic for Google+. I’m bored with your ‘exclusive but not actually exclusive’ social networking attitude. Stop pussyfooting and let technophiles embrace the Google global domination of 2025. Thanks.

Fellow HJ’s! The time to act is now. There is an evil group out there trying to destroy my one and only love.

And I don’t think our love is pathetic at all.

The  ol’ bookface and I have had some problems in the past. But I mean, don’t all couples have their issues?  Every issue was all sorted out when I de-activated for 24 hours in a fit of Emersonian guilt. We talked about our issues and are stronger because of it!

But, enough about my emotionally abusive relationship with social networking sites and back to these facebook-destroying shenanigans. There is a group called anonymous. They think they are SOOOOOO coool because they wear Guy Fawkes masks like the characters from V for Vendetta. And because they are big fans of civil disobedience.  Meh. Continue Reading…