Every year since Hipster Jew started, I made up a list of things I didn’t want to see in the new year (2011) (2012) Often time, whatever I ask to stop becomes bigger and more powerful. I almost turned this into a Karma – reverse psychology situation, but thought better of that. I mean why break from tradition?
- No Bar / Cash Bar Weddings – According to Facebook, all of my friends got engaged in the past month. If you happen to invite me to your wedding, I request one thing to keep our friendship going; an open bar. I need to drown out my sorrows and pretend I’m happy for you as you make the next step in your life. So please be considerate of me. At least make your wedding BYO. I promise not to make a giant fool of myself.
- 1 minute commercials on 3 minute music videos – Online advertising is huge. So huge, there are companies that think they can get away with posting massive video ads in places they shouldn’t be. How much of a bitch is it to go through a Youtube playlist only to spend 1/3 of the time watching car commercials? Enough is enough. Cut them down to 15 seconds or GTFO.
- Beer Gimmicks – What the hell does poking a hole in your can do? Who does my beer need to be frozen for me to drink it? How come there is this twister thing going on in my bottles? Do you really think adding a word like Platinum will make your beer taste better? Can you work on making your beer not taste like shit rather than these dumb gimmicks? No? Okay.
- Super short attention spans in the news – I know we have a terrible attention span, but I think we need to put more thought and effort into things we get really angry about for a week. KONY was a joke. There is a reason why we never posted anything about it. You all got fooled by the nonsense that any second year college student could see through. Treyvon, while a terrible situation, came in like a flash and out with the long trial process and actual facts of the case. I hate to ask you to think before you act, but… yeah. Then again, if we all thought before we acted, we wouldn’t have the 24 hour comedy show on Fox News.
- Jewish Memes – Besides for every Jewish Meme being terrible and not funny, there is also something to say about the accuracy of them. For example, Good Guy Rabbi won’t tell you that you can’t eat pork. He also doesn’t mind you wishing him a Merry Christmas. But when it comes to women wearing a tallit by the Western Wall, or going to the cops when a child in the community is molested, well, Good Guy Rabbi can hardly be found. Sure, Jews can get along great with non Jews, but Jews do not get along with other Jews. Fix that before you spread your bad meme propaganda.
- Mass Murder – Stop. Just Staahp.
- Unemployment – How hard is it to give everyone a job? Just have people them shuffle papers and plug in numbers into excel sheets like we did in the 90′s. Give them 28k a year and call it in. 0% unemployment. I just fixed the economy.