Listen, I’m not here to tell you that you’re an asshole for having a Hanukkah Bush. I’m not here to laugh at you for having a Hanukkah Bush a month after Hanukkah ended. We all know it’s a Christmas tree / Yuletide tree. You’re not fooling anyone, even if you casually call it a “Holiday tree.” So instead of scolding you like your mother will when she sees the photos of your shiksa girlfriend and her family on Facebook, I am going to help you find some last minute ornaments to put up on your Hanukkah Bush.
It’s the year 2013. Making really funny, cheap ornaments is easier than gluing popsicle together. Since we all pretty much have a degree in design, or know how to steal ideas from the internet, you should be 3d printing your own Hanukkah ornaments. Or at the very least, buying them online. Hey, if 3d prints can give a little girl full use of a hand, they can sure as hell decorate your
abomination holiday tree.
I think it’s always great to go with a classic. Those giant balls which I have no idea what their purpose it, but know that they break easily and are fun to throw. Those are on every good Christmas… er… Hanukkah Bush. It’s always great to go with a classic. Just make sure you stick with blue and white. Not because those colors are the colors of winter, but because that’s what Maccabeats used when they defeated the Miami Boys Choir in the war for the attention of seminary girls.
Spice Up The Traditional Ornament With Something Contemporary
You have to throw in some joke ornaments. This is a Hanukkah Bush, right? So why not something like a Miley Cyrus wrecking ball ornament? Or a little camera poking out of the tree to remind us of the NSA. I’m sure if I actually sat down and thought about it, I could come up with something better.
Make Sure Your Tree Is Overloaded With Jewishness
This family was wise enough to put Lamb Chops with a Yarmulke on top of their Hanukkah Bush. The last thing you want to do is ruin your perfectly good tree with a star or angel. Another idea might be to wrap your entire tree in teffilin. Why not? We all know those leather boxes are in the back of your dresser not being used. Give them some purpose.