Archives For Christmas

Listen, I’m not here to tell you that you’re an asshole for having a Hanukkah Bush. I’m not here to laugh at you for having a Hanukkah Bush a month after Hanukkah ended. We all know it’s a Christmas tree / Yuletide tree. You’re not fooling anyone, even if you casually call it a “Holiday tree.” So instead of scolding you like your mother will when she sees the photos of your shiksa girlfriend and her family on Facebook, I am going to help you find some last minute ornaments to put up on your Hanukkah Bush.

3D Printed Ornaments

star-of-chinese-food

It’s the year 2013. Making really funny, cheap ornaments is easier than gluing popsicle together. Since we all pretty much have a degree in design, or know how to steal ideas from the internet, you should be 3d printing your own Hanukkah ornaments. Or at the very least, buying them online. Hey, if 3d prints can give a little girl full use of a hand, they can sure as hell decorate your abomination holiday tree.

Traditional Ornaments

menorah-ornament

I think it’s always great to go with a classic. Those giant balls which I have no idea what their purpose it, but know that they break easily and are fun to throw. Those are on every good Christmas… er… Hanukkah Bush. It’s always great to go with a classic. Just make sure you stick with blue and white. Not because those colors are the colors of winter, but because that’s what Maccabeats used when they defeated the Miami Boys Choir in the war for the attention of seminary girls.

Spice Up The Traditional Ornament With Something Contemporary

miley-cyrus-wrecking-ball-christmas-ornament

You have to throw in some joke ornaments. This is a Hanukkah Bush, right? So why not something like a Miley Cyrus wrecking ball ornament? Or a little camera poking out of the tree to remind us of the NSA. I’m sure if I actually sat down and thought about it, I could come up with something better.

Make Sure Your Tree Is Overloaded With Jewishness

hanukkah-bush

This family was wise enough to put Lamb Chops with a Yarmulke on top of their Hanukkah Bush. The last thing you want to do is ruin your perfectly good tree with a star or angel. Another idea might be to wrap your entire tree in teffilin. Why not? We all know those leather boxes are in the back of your dresser not being used. Give them some purpose.

Alright, let’s all leave our pride and Jewish elitism on the floor and admit that Christmas music is the absolute greatest thing about this overly commercialized and seemngly never-ending holiday cheerfest.

If it weren’t for She & Him’s version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside, or Bing Crosby’s version of White Christmas, or Sufjan Steven’s entire Chrstmas album I just wouldn’t see any point to the holidays at all except for…

Cats. Cats and dogs.

They make it all OK. Even with the Christmas commercials starting in mid-October, the overly sentimental romantic crap (iceskating and then falling on your stupid face does not COUNT as something romantic), and all of the Christmas gifts nobody really wants, furry four-leggeds and Christmas carols are the root of all awesome.

In conclusion, check out Christmas Cats TV. It’s a joyous place where for eight hours a day you can watch a live stream of the antics of a crazy grandma cat lady and her multiple cats. Meanwhile, there’s Christmas music from Legacy Recordings playing non-stop and YOU CAN ADOPT THE KITTIES.

Kitty Cat Meow

Some of those cats are wearing sweaters. SWEATERS.

Give in to the goyishness, Jew Babies. You know you want to.

Sometimes I get a little ranty. People who care deeply for the Festival of Lights, I’d like to apologize in advance for this Hannukkah-themed rant. But I really don’t care that much.

Hannukkah is such a pitiful excuse to make sure Jewbabies don’t try to convert to Christianity. If eight presents is the only thing keeping someone attached to their culture/faith they should very seriously re-evaluate, well, most things. Or maybe we can all just agree that Christmas isn’t really a religious thing anymore and that everyone should probably just celebrate Commercial Christmas. Jews wrote all the Christmas songs anyway, right?

Rant over. In the most recent attempt by Jews to model their own form of winter-themed commercialized  holiday, (example: Hannukkah bushes), we have ‘Mensch on a Bench’. Not to be confused with the famous Yom Kippur children’s book, ‘JAP in the Gap’ or the infamous ‘Yid on the Grid’.

Mensch on a Bench

For those of you who are completely confused by the significance of a mensch sitting on any bench, allow me to fill you in on the ‘Christmas tradition’ from 2005, ‘Elf on the Shelf’. ‘Elf on the Shelf’ is a children’s book about a creepy little elf who spies on little boys and girls for Santa. The box set comes with your very own possessed dummy elf to watch you dream!

Who decides if something is a tradition?

Anyway, a man who used to work for HASBRO felt bad that he couldn’t buy his little Jew progeny an Elf on the Shelf. So he created Mensche on a Bench. And despite my grumbles and anti-Hannukkah sentiments, people will still buy the Jew version. And the Goy version. Because that’s what the holidays are really about isn’t it? Elfs and Menschs sitting wherever they damn well please. G-d bless us everyone.

 

 

Drake did the most Jewish thing for Christmas. He bitched about not receiving royalties for his terrible slogan YOLO.

Without Jews, Christmas music would be even crappier. Tablet Mag has a top 10 list of Christmas music written by Jews.

James Murphy just doesn’t want to retire. If your heart is broken by the fact LCD Soundsystem broke up, at least we have these side projects. Listen to the James Murphy produced Pulp song After You.

If you’re sad about the current state of music, look at this list of the 50 most anticipated albums. Our girls Haim are on the list!

Someone made a working record out of ice and it is amazing.

netflix_the_jews_history

Twas the Night Jews crashed Neflix, b’fore Oh Thirteen (’13),
Not a person was stirring, not a one Hindi.
The streets were all emptied of cars with some care,
‘Cuz they went home to find St Nicholas there.

The Jews were all nestled all snug by tvs,
Some of them watching the Seinfeld movie with Bees.
And mamma in her shawl, and I in my Jew-cap,
Had just settled our meals to watch some network crap.

When on our Sony HD there arose a clatter,
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter.
Netflix was frozen, refusing to stream on,
I looked at my Ma and wondered what went wrong.

I reset my router with great precision,
Reset the modem without indecision.
When, what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But my miniature fridge, and 8 micro-craft beers.

With my little old mother, so lively and stewed,
I knew in a moment it must be the Jews.
For on Xmas eve there was little to do,
Except stare at the boob tube and drink classy brews.

Some Magic Hat! Now Shipyard! With Redhook and Rogue!
Long Trail! Dogfish Head! Southern Tier and Smuttynose!
Beer was aplenty; flowed like milk and honey.
But no entertainment?…This wasn’t at all funny.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So too I, in a drunken lonely rage I flew,
I yelled ‘Who cares for St Nicholas? Fuck the Jews!’

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the news
That Netflix was down but it wasn’t the Jews.
As I drew my head, and was turning around,
I apologized to my mother for the unruly sounds.

Then I jiggled the remote and turned on my Playstation,
I realized that was when I….

Aw fuck it. This post is taking forever.
And let’s be honest- Christmas poems wont’ get better.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah alright?!?!
Happy Christmas Eve to all. Fuck you. Good-night!

I don’t understand why we can’t get more original, funny content like Jew On This. I think this is the first holiday video that wasn’t a Gangnam Style parody I’ve seen in 2 months. It’s good to see people like Jon and Aviva get out there and give Jews a good name by saying hilariously terrible things. I hope they get on SNL or their own half hour show on Comedy Central, where Jewish comedians go to retire.

All you fellow Jews out there who are thinking about making a parody video: watch this video and let it inspire you, or I will hate you forever. I don’t care if it’s the season of love. I hate. Always.

jew-on-this

I feel kind of dirty admitting this because she’s so darn quirky and cute, but Zooey Deschanel annoys me so much when she bats her corn-flower blue eyes on the television, I want to rip her face out of the screen and scratch her high cheekbones aggressively.

Zooey Deschanel Christmas

Y0u stop that right now Zooey Deschanel!

No one can actually be that charming Zooey. NO ONE. I try my darndest to be adorable and well-groomed like you, but even I have un-washed hair and greasy face days where I wear sweat pants and spaghetti sauce-stained XXL t-shirts that I stole from my father’s closet. WHY DON’T YOU, ZOOEY?

Despite my love/hatred for you and your beautifully cut bangs, A Very She & Him Christmas will always be my favorite Christmas album. And damnit, the gender-switched Baby It’s Cold Outside. even with it’s date rape tendencies, is precious.

I won’t even go into how freaking mind-numbingly endearing the below animated video is because no one wants me to throw up on my parents’ keyboard.

Except the dog. Because I imagine that sort of things tastes delicious to her.

major-league-commissioners

Look at all those Jews getting Jewwy with Jew-Congress

Finally someone at the San Fransisco Chronicle nailed it. THE JEWS ARE RUINING XMAS…for freakishly large millionaires.

Hmmm. Wait. Maybe I’m missing something.

Deadspin reports that the writer Bruce Jenkins had this to say about Jewish commissar David Stern:

One of the most distasteful aspects of commissioner David Stern’s legacy – ruining Christmas for far too many people – comes into play again this year with five televised games scheduled. “It used to be two teams,” retired coach Phil Jackson said. “But I don’t think anybody should play on Christmas Day. Your little kids are putting batteries in their new toys, all kinds of family stuff going on, and now you’re supposed to get focused on a game in the middle of the afternoon?”

Jackson is among many observers who point out the obvious: that Stern, who celebrates Hanukkah, has no real feel for Christmas in the first place.

Oddly, this incriminating part of the post has since been deleted.

But I understand the logic. NFL plays football on Thanksgiving because the Jews hate America.
What? He’s NOT Jewish?

Huh. Alright. Well Baseball plays 162 games because Bud Selig needs more $$$ because he’s Jewish. Aaaaand the NHL hasn’t worked out a contract this season because Gary Bettman is Jewish and he looooooves $$$$$.

Jews: We control the media, American politics, the banks, and American sports. And we’re petty the entire time we’re doing it.

Your welcome Bruce Jenkins. I finished your thought for you.

1988 was a wonderful year considering it was the year I was born (unless you look at my online dating profile, then I was born in 1984.) It’s also the year Pee Wee Herman had his Christmas special. And what’s a Christmas special without a reference to Hanukkah and fruit cake. Let’s relive Pee Wee’s pre-sex-offender days and remember him for his drug induced sketches that would fit perfectly in today’s Adult Swim’s lineup. Get this man back on TV!

Wow. Well it seems that this is the Hanukkah video of 2012. Throw the rest away – the Miami Boy’s Choir Maccabeats, the Matisyahus, all the Hanukkah songs and parodies. This rap battle wins.

Santa Claus raps Moses, aka Snoop Dogg, aka Snoop Lion, aka the baddest muthafucka in the LBC. The beat is good. The rhymes are great.

Santa: You got a strict religion / no bacon? But mandatory circumcision? I’m a jolly bowl of jelly giving holiday presents/ but all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous.

Burn!

Snoop: So much drama in the Israel – BC / It’s kind of hard talking to the G-O-single D.

Happy Hanukkah. This is your present tonight. It’ll be better than that pair of socks and iTunes giftcard.

Long live Snoop Lion/Dogg.