Archives For cats

Alright, let’s all leave our pride and Jewish elitism on the floor and admit that Christmas music is the absolute greatest thing about this overly commercialized and seemngly never-ending holiday cheerfest.

If it weren’t for She & Him’s version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside, or Bing Crosby’s version of White Christmas, or Sufjan Steven’s entire Chrstmas album I just wouldn’t see any point to the holidays at all except for…

Cats. Cats and dogs.

They make it all OK. Even with the Christmas commercials starting in mid-October, the overly sentimental romantic crap (iceskating and then falling on your stupid face does not COUNT as something romantic), and all of the Christmas gifts nobody really wants, furry four-leggeds and Christmas carols are the root of all awesome.

In conclusion, check out Christmas Cats TV. It’s a joyous place where for eight hours a day you can watch a live stream of the antics of a crazy grandma cat lady and her multiple cats. Meanwhile, there’s Christmas music from Legacy Recordings playing non-stop and YOU CAN ADOPT THE KITTIES.

Kitty Cat Meow

Some of those cats are wearing sweaters. SWEATERS.

Give in to the goyishness, Jew Babies. You know you want to.

I HAVE A DREAM! I’m going to become a real life cat video director. Thanks Funny or Die for helping me to realize my dreams. It was pretty damn decent of you.

The vision really came to me because of the inspiring words of Shula von Hollow (Julie Klausner).  She showed me that there is a whole wide world of cat videos to explore and see as the art form for what is truly are is: So much exploration of my two favorite medias: cats and the youtubes.

All I need is a cat and a tiny pinch of dreams and I can build something like this.

Cat Video

Click here for the LOLs

Grey tabbies need not apply.

Hipsters.

Come on.

Let’s stick with animals we can handle as pets. Like cats. Cats are great. You can act uninterested in them and they will act uninterested in you. It’s adorable. It’s perfect.

Or maybe dogs. You can make them wear matching bows and/or bow ties as you if you are so inclined. It could be cute. Think about those little doggy hoodies at American Apparel or matching sweaters. I know I do.

Fish? Fish are also great. You can flush them in the toilet when they die! That’s pretty cool.

But chickens? Chickens do NOT make sense.

Camilla the Chicken

No offense to Camilla,  the Resident Chicken of Sesame Street

Chickens are not cute. They are not fun. They  will try bite when you try to take their yummy little eggs. Meanwhile,  that rooster situation? They don’t just make that crowing noise in order to be your sweet little 10 AM alarm clock. They make it ALL THE TIME. Oh, and BTW. You’re probably spreading salmonella.

Some hipsters have figured this out and have decided to eliminate their chicken problem. But instead of breaking the lil chicken necks  and roasting them for Shabbos dinner as our great-grandmothers did in shtetls for years, they abandon their once-so-chic-but-hard-to-deal-with pets.  LIttle Red Hen is left to fend for herself in the tough streets of Portland or Foghorn Leghorn finds himself fighting Rottweilers for his dinner in an animal shelter.

In conclusion, Hipsters, stop trying to romanticize farming. Leave chickens alone. And if you don’t want your chickens, send them to me. I don’t have money for food.

 

 

Are you excited for the new season of  Arrested Development and subsequent film?

Do you like cats?

If you answered no to either of these questions you are not a good person. If you only like one or the other of these things, you are a half-good person. Them’s the rules, kids.

Anyway, one man, one beautiful, beautiful, man, loves both of these and has shown his love in a perfect way. He made a banana stand for his cat. I think I’m in love. With him. And this cat. And those Christmas lights. But mostly the cat.

Arrested Development CatThis cat is named money. Get it?

Get it?

 

Can we talk about how a viral cat video film festival exists somewhere in this world? There is a magical place called “New York City” where the second year of the  Internet Cat Video Film Festival will take place.  It’s inauguration was in Minnesota, but no one actually wants to be there, so round 2 went to Brooklyn.

The first festival brought in 10,000 viewers, which must have brought more people to Minnesota than have ever been present.

I can’t wait until October.   This year’s event is a “showcase of feline hijinks includes music, special guests and more.”

Grumpy Cat

WHAT SPECIAL GUESTS COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE? Garfield? Montecore, the tiger that mauled Roy of Sigfried and Roy?  Tony the Tiger?

I’m so excited. And now, for my favorite cat video of all time.

 

 

This. Is. Not. Ok.

Those of you who follow this blog and actually read my posts may remember a former plea for citizenship in the United Kingdom of the European Union.

Well, this desire is even more real now.

Why you ask?

question cat

I’m not sure if this image makes sense. But I’m kind of obsessed with it. So there’s that.

The city of Charles Dickens and no rightaways for pedestrians is opening a cat cafe. A place where city dwellers can pay to pet cats from the Mayhew Animal Home in Kensal Green, north-west London. And if you can’t afford to pay (which I wouldn’t be able to do because alcohol is much more important) you can stay with the cats overnight for FREE.

You get to play with cats. And drink coffee. And play with cats. All at the same time.

I want to go back right now. SOMEONE MARRY ME NOW.

PLEASE.

YES!

YES!

YES!

It’s Christmas music time!

Non-stop Christmas music will be played in the casa de Schlitz.  This caters to the Jewish side (they wrote all the songs) and the goyish side (obvi).

I may not listen to anything else the entire month until this beautiful holiday season is ended.

Its going to be awesome.

No Moar Katz Plz?

Schlitz Lipz —  11/12/2012 —  Comments

This country has a very serious lack of fear for cats in high-up place. Which, on hindsight, sounds like I’m talking about cats stuck in trees. Which would be much safer than what I’m actually talking about.

I, am in fact, referring to the fact that, yet again, there is some sort of cat who was almost in a position of power.

Will we EVER LEARN?

Cats shouldn’t be in power. They like shiny things that jingle entirely too much to make good decisions.

Hank the Cat was written in for Senate as a means of garnering money for various pet organizations, in fact the owners Anthony Roberts and Matthew O’Leary “raised $60,000 for animal rescue”. It’s cool to raise money for pets, I guess (more cat videos!), but how close could we have gotten to a cat in a necktie in Senate? Pretty effing close.

Damn, he wears that tie well.

Despite how cute a cat in a tie is, I’m not OK with this. And you really shouldn’t be either.

 

A couple weeks ago we hit 2000 posts! Look at us! 2000 posts about Jews, and Hipsters, and all things terrible and pointless. We thank you so much, here’s a meme. About Jews and cats, our favorite things.

Dear Hipster Jew,

I’m currently in a social media war with my neighbor. First she started checking into foursquare at MY OWN HOME. It’s gotten to the point where I’m fighting for my mayor rights every day (I get to give pretty ladies back rubs!). Now she is checking in with instagram and tagging her dumb cat photos. How can I regain my mayoral rights without losing my dignity? Please help me.

-TwitFaceGram

Dear TFG,
I must first inform you that this is no longer 2009. Being mayor on Foursquare is as useless as the social interactions on Yelp. Sure, you can get free shit once in awhile, or in this case back rubs, but how often does that happen? Never. There are only two reasons to use foursquare.

1. To show an ex you’re having more fun then they are.
2. To inform the world you’re not that depressed about being sad and alone.

So stop worrying about being mayor of AlonevilleHQ and start worrying about checking into the hottest clubs as you drive by them at 3 in the afternoon.

As for the instagram photos spamming your house: You need to take care of this ‘problem’, or should I say, the Satan worshipers we call ‘cats’. Nothing says “I’m lonely” like a cat. With your foursquare house filled with cat photos, everyone will know how lame you really are. My suggestion is to take care of the cat. Interpret that however you want, but the cat must no longer be a part of your neighbors life. Your neighbor can’t be bringing both of you down socially, in some sort of mutual destruction.

Hope that helps!

-HJ

Have a question for us? Is it ridiculous or honest? Send us your questions anonymously, info [at] hipsterjew [dot] com. We know how to give you advice.*

*Advice may be worthless.