Canadians love their hockey. And Canadian Jews love their hockey too (without legitimate baseball they need to obsess over something sports-related… Sorry Blue Jays). There’s a reason why Eugene Levy and Jay Baruchel, Canadian Jews, act in Goon (and let’s not forget American Jew, and facial hair aficionado, Leiv Schreiber). This movie is an ode to what Canadian Hollywood is capable of. Which is to say, Canadian Hollywood is capable of making a hilarious movie that never lags, with consistently hilarious slapstick comedy.

Goon is a typical ‘indie’ movie. Small cast (Trailer Park Boys cameos), small budget. Plot consists of a sport that 95% of Americans don’t give a shit about. Tied together with a happy-go-lucky protagonist from Massachusetts who just wants to live a fulfilling life. Add in a love interest and you have your classic indie hockromcom.

Jews are not fighters. Especially not goons in hockey. But that’s what makes this movie so endearing. Dullard Jewish boy, unable to use Daddy’s professional connections, engages in the least historically Jewish sport in North America. He meets some Canadians and Queebs along the way, and they all respect each other without any anti-Israel sentiment or cries of anti-Semitism. Being Canadian only adds to the rarity and ridiculousness of the situation, especially since I’m still convinced Canadian Jews are an urban legend.

The movie itself does not deal with many Jewish themes. At most, the only ‘Jewish’ (remotely-stereotypical) characters in the movie were Doug Glatt (Sean William Scott’s) parents (Eugene Levy specifically). His parents were obsessed with their sons’ professions and lifestyles. I can hear their complaints coming from my own parents: (Oy, Duckman why do you have to bring your boyfriend to Shul?) and (Chicky, can’t you find a better hobby than alcoholism and a failing stand up comedy career?) If this means that Goon is a ‘Jewish’ film (and I promise you every asshole who is obsessed with Jewish pop culture will tell you it is), then we may as well label every film that comes into theaters (limited release even!) as Jewish.*

Goon may be the best sports movie you’ll see for years to come, but it still is only a ‘fairly good’ movie. The genre of sports movies are notoriously mediocre (now complain about X sports movie you think is the best movie ever), and Goon rises above nearly all of them. But even being the best in a field of mediocrity doesn’t create perfection. I give it 4 out of 5 Dudes.

*I am aware that I talk about the way this movie is and isn’t Jewish. I’d talk about hockey but I don’t want to bore you like the Duckman. If you want to talk about how Goon portrays fighting in a manner that directly correlates to the issues of today’s and yesterday’s Goons, tweet the obsessive hockey douchehat @theduckmanz BECAUSE HE HAS PROMISED NOT TO USE THE HIPSTERJEW TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR HOCKEY ANYMORE.

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The Abramson Singers is partly an elaborate joke. There are no singers plural; only 1 Leah Abramson, singing multiple harmonies. It’s not meant as a gimmick, and it certainly doesn’t feel that way. Her singing sounds genuine. So genuine, in fact, that if you paranoid like me, you have to assume she’s hiding something. Possibly a few real sisters?

Abramson is the the only Canadian Jewish Hipster [Ed Note: Is that enough labels? Female, too? Maybe add Folk?] (Vancouver) to make it to SXSW this year, making her a rare breed indeed. Enjoy some of her Canadian folk music below!

Catch her Friday, March 16: 2 pm at The Snackbar (free), or 7:30 pm at The Hilton Garden Inn (official badge only).

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Talk about reinforcing terrible stereotypes. Jeez. Can this girl be any more of a bitch? Get over yourself. Nobody cares about you. Your situation is equitable, if not worse, than every Jewish calamity in the history of the world. Sarah Grunfeld (More like GRUNDLE): The first girl to believe someone said something anti-Semitic.

Shit. Now when real people have real problems and claim anti-Semitism, the international community isn’t going to believe them. Because the boy who cried anti-Semitism isn’t over-used by Jewish people overall and us in particular…

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As I started walking through what I am now calling Canada Disney Land, I heard people talking about a Blue Jays game and how Arcade Fire would be playing at the show.

My love for baseball and desire to see hot Canadian chicks at a concert got me interested. Without even realizing it, I was right outside Rogers Centre. I didn’t have a ticket to the show, or the game. But right away I saw an opening past a lazy security guard. So I snuck in. As I ran down a hallway I could see Arcade Fire on a small stage inside the Blue Jay’s Club House. Win Butler called the crowd down to the stage. Which was reflected in my real life, as I once saw him do this in the summer of 2007 at Tower Theater in Upper Darby, PA. They began playing Rebellion (Lies) which isn’t at all that interesting of a song to start with. But when I looked outside the Club House window, I could see the Blue Jays, and, what I assume to be the Washington Nationals, dancing together. Kind of homo-erotic. But who am I to judge.

At this point security found me lurking through the crowd and threw me out.

Then, like every other dream I’ve ever had, I end up finding an ex-girlfriend in which she proceeds to beg me to take her back.

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Alternate Punny Headline "GRAPES GOES NUTS!" You're welcome AP.

Know how every Thanksgiving your crazy, somewhat senile Grampa or Uncle decides to make a good hour of the dinner incredibly awkward by going on a long rambling speech about everything that’s awful with the world today? And that your generation are a bunch good for nothing red commie bastards?

That’s basically what Don Chery just did at a Toronto city council meeting, except I bet your Gramps doesn’t rock a pink suit when hating on liberals.

He starts off by bashing bikeriders for some reason, calling them pinkos, which is no way to win over the hipsters Mr. Cherry. I know the Bruins’ Andrew Ference is gonna be pissed.

Andrew Ference, Hipster on a bike by day, mediocre defensemen by night

After that, Cherry goes to the classic conservative crazy guy move of bashing the media, calling them “the left-wing pinko newspapers” who apparently made fun of him for supporting the troops and going to Church. Then he starts talking about this one time some people cut down an old lady’s favorite tree and the new Toronto mayor Rob Ford made everything better I guess?

Then he told the council about how the Kaiser stole our word for twenty and how he wore onions on his belt (’twas the style at the time) and that commie staple of Sauerkraut should be renamed “Liberty Cabbage.”

I’m not really sure he said all that, but that’s only because I’ve trained myself to tune out ranting old people after years of holidays spent listening to senile relatives talk about how much today sucks and that they really miss Caldors.

In case you guys don’t know who Don Cherry is, he’s the main attraction/ announcer of Hockey Night in Canada, which is like Monday Night Football for Canadians.

He’s kinda of like John Madden if Madden wore suits made out of leftover couches from 1973, talked about politics during NFL games, and was often casually racist toward the Quebecois and all Europeans.

But at least Cherry doesn’t glorify the Turducken or have his name on shitty videogames…which is something I guess.

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The assoc-prof claims to have no political agenda, and was only out to ‘understand indie’ (Quebec) culture. But can one use Canadians (with their lack of respect for ironic mustaches, their love of Molsen over PBR, and their universally gay-tight pants, as a basis for understanding ME?

Yes. Yes they can.

“Individuals don’t easily drop practices that they’ve cultivated for years just to avoid being labeled. They’d rather find ways to show how they’re different from the people who might engage in these practices ‘for the wrong reasons’.

Their narratives depicted how they were able to continue consuming products . . . linked to hipster culture while distancing themselves from the caricature that was associated with them…These simplifying labels have gradually become essentializing and judgmental.”

If I can I would like to defend myself using logic.

1) I am a hipster because I buy into a certain fashion.

2) People become jealous of how hip and cool I am, so they call me a hipster.

3) This hurts my feelings, but instead of blogging about it for hours on end, I make sure to tell (in appearance or words) how I am SO different from everyone else.

4) That doesn’t work, so I make a blog called Hipsterjew. In the same way that other groups try to take back the word that hurts them the most, I take this name on as a badge of courage and honor.

5) I still have no friends and everyone thinks I am a talentless,  self-assured douchebag.

6) Sigh.

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Abraham Botines, a Spanish-born Jew, has put some Nazi-era soap on display in his store in Montreal. The bar has a swastika on it, and is believed to be made out of Holocaust victims’ fat. His excuse is that he was born during that period, and ya know, just happens to be collecting these items to sell.

“It’s my soap and I’m free to do anything I want with it,” he said, probably in a whiney, know-it-all voice. He is also selling a braid of hair from Nazi extermination camps. But don’t worry, because he promises not to sell them to neo-Nazis. That should put all our anxiety at ease.

Well Abraham, thanks for justifying the distasteful, negative sides of capitalism. I don’t care if you just happen to be doing it for the promotion, I can’t think of anything that is more disgusting. I suggest you donate these items to the Holocaust Museum before every Jew from here to Timbuktu hunts you down. Asshole with a capital SOB.

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This year, the Olympics are in Vancouver. Which, as you might recall, is also in Canada. Americans and Canadians often have a hard time relating, although there’s no real discernible difference between the two groups to outsiders. It’s probably something to do with America winning everything (i.e. our latest hockey game, 5-3 USA). So, I thought I’d take some time to explain how this happened.

Canada is the Jewish kid to America’s WASP. And I know what you’re thinking. That’s ridiculous. Israel is clearly the Jewish kid. But you’re wrong. Israel is the short Italian kid who wears a white muscle shirt and gold necklaces. You know the type, deeply religious and gets into lots of fights. Canada is American’s Jewish friend. And not “friend” as in best buddies, going over each others’ houses, knocking back a few beers, trading stories of their glory days together kind of “friend.” But “friend” like when you’re telling a story about someone you kinda know but not too well, and you call them your “friend” because it’s easier to say than “acquaintance.”

Think about it. The Canadians don’t celebrate the “normal” holidays that we Americans do, and if they do, they’re at weird times. For instance, on July 1st, they celebrate “Canada Day” which is the Hanukkah to the Fourth of July’s Christmas. It’s basically the anniversary of the formation of Canada, but unlike America, which knows that the Fourth of July means parades, barbecue, and fireworks, the Canadians don’t always do the same thing. They change it up. Because they’re crazy socialists. They have another holiday called “Boxing Day,” the day after Christmas. They also have something called “Victoria Day” in May, which is about who knows what. Something foreign, you can be sure.

Like a lot of Jews in America, Canada tries to keep a low-profile, keeping its head down, working hard, living along the margins of a larger, more aggressive, culture. And by-and-large, it’s been a success story for Canada. They got independence from Britain by working the political system, rather than having a big war, like we did. It took them a lot longer, but hey, you can’t argue with results. They haven’t had a ton of major crises or political upheavals, they start and become involved in fewer wars, and their political battles aren’t interesting and include fewer sweeping denouncements of the other side as a cancer that must be wiped out than our political battles. If England were a Jewish mother and America and Canada were her children, America would be the kid who runs off to Hollywood and hits it big while denying his Jewish roots, while Canada would be the long suffering responsible one that stays close to home, gets a steady job, doesn’t rock the boat, but is still kind of a disappointment. You know, he’s not as exceptional as the disobedient son.

The only time Canada seems like a problem is when America makes it a problem. Like during the health care debate, when some politicians felt that Canada’s health care system comprised entirely of people who prescribed cough drops for cancer. In the United States, no one ever seems to notice there even is a Jewish population, except when someone loses an election or doesn’t get a job. And then we know whose fault it is: the Jews.

Sometimes Canadians see all that excitement going on south of the border, and they’re drawn to it, like moths to a flame, just like Gentile culture has drawn in the Jewish. Of course, they assimilate, so as not to draw attention to themselves, but the fact is there are hundreds of Canadians who pass for Americans among our celebrities, especially our actors. Keanu Reeves, Ryan Gosling, Christopher Plummer, Neve Cambell, Elisha Cuthbert, Dan Aykroyd, Jim Carrey – they all have one thing in common: Canadian. But you’d never know it. Just like Jewish actors change their names to past unnoticed. Woody Allen and Mel Brooks were Allen Konigsberg and Mel Kaminksy when they were born (although, in Woody and Mel’s cases, they would’ve needed to do a lot more than change their names if they had really wanted to not be considered Jewish).

So, yeah, Canada. Jewish. You’re supposed to end things by summarizing your message, so I guess I’ll just put it like this: When you hate on Canada, you’re an anti-Semite.

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1. Jewish Olympians: Vancouver 2010

Maybe I exaggerate, but I do honestly believe the above claim. Why not? Tegan and Sara, sisters who both happen to be lesbians, very much have the support of the lesbian community. If all those Jews, even some of the more religious ones, can come out on a weekday night to see Matisyahu do his schtick, it certainly makes sense.

I can’t remember if I’ve ever been surrounded by that many lesbians, hipsters, and hipster lesbians. It gave me an odd sense of kindred for a few brief moments. Then I realized they were mostly Canadiens. While I flexed my Canadien rights to throw back a couple of tasty beverages, it certainly didn’t make up for the fact I was in the heart of French Quebecois.

All in all it was a good show. It was the first time I was in theater-style seating for a large indie act. This made me feel dainty and European, because real Americans rock out at their concerts. This also made me a little upset, because I couldn’t rock out while standing up and drinking a beer. Why must I always be forced to choose?

I am proud to be an Amerrrican. Even if Montreal brings in better musicians, Canada remains to prove they don’t suck a big one. Eh?

-Charles

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