Hipster Jew » Brooklyn

MM: Tanlines + Adult Swim = Righteous Music Video

Chicky — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 20:13:03 +0000

Hipster Jew band Tanlines, and 2012 SXSW participants, have put out a new music video for their song All of Me. Old people dancing? Sign me up, that’s my favorite hobby. Watching old people. Dance.

// Stereogum

Tanlines – HJs @ SXSW 2012

Chicky — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 15:36:21 +0000

Tanlines is the only band at SXSW this year composed entirely of Heebs. Jesse Cohen and Eric Emm are the musical force behind this pop/indie/world duo from Brooklyn, New York. Their music is heavily influenced by the 70s and 80s. Cohen’s other band, Professor Murder, is a post-punk band also influenced by new wave. Below you can listen to their first song off of their new album Mixed Emotions, due March 20th.

They’ve opened for many big named musicians in the ‘indie’ scene, but ff you haven’t heard of them, don’t worry. Now’s your chance. Watch their latest music video below, in 360 degree angles, and feel like you’ve been transported to 1985!

Oneohtrix Point Never – HJs @ SXSW 2012

Chicky — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 23:55:39 +0000

Sweet beard. Seriously. I’m jealous. I’ve got a weak ‘stache.

Oneohtrix Point Never is Animal Collective approved, having been chosen by them to play All Tomorrow’s Parties in 2011. The brainchild of Brroklyn resident Daniel Lopatin (also of Ford and Lopatin, previously Games), listening to electronic/Ambient music will never be the same. Lopatin’s signature style feature vocals from old television commercials. A true liberal, Lopatin will do whatever is necessary to recycle. And sometimes he likes to end things on a Jewish note.

He even makes his own music videos, recycling dated children’s cartoons.

Catch Oneohtrix Point Never Thursday, March 15 from 1:00AM – 1:50AM at the Sony Club @ Red 7. Ride the ambiance.

New York + Judaism should ban oral suction

Chicky — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 22:04:34 +0000

We are a country that prizes minority/religious freedoms. It’s what makes America the greatest country in the world. We let religious groups cut themselves off entirely from society, bash homosexuals, and treat women as inferior by quoting vague passages in scriptures all because we don’t want to trample on a single person’s religious rights. Hell, we even allow Scientology to flourish. Recently, circumcision has become a heated issue between secular humanists and religious Jews. Both sides make compelling, if not stubbornly frustrating arguments. I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here to talk about how fucked up Haredi circumcision practices are, and why we should all work together to ban it.

A two-week old boy died at a Brooklyn hospital in September after contracting herpes through a religious circumcision ritual that ignited controversy in 2005 after another infant died, the Daily News has learned. The unidentified infant died Sept. 28, 2011, at Maimonides Hospital, according to a spokeswoman for the city Medical Examiner, who confirmed the death after a News inquiry. The cause of death was listed as “disseminated herpes simplex virus Type 1, complicating ritual circumcision with oral suction.” // Failed Messiah

In case you are still confused about the meaning of the phrase ‘ritual circumcision with oral suction’ let me explain in graphic prose. Imagine a very old, long-white-bearded Rabbi. He has a nice paunch if you will, but only because he’s too busy with God to worry about the materialistic and human world. He’s called over one day to circumcise a child and complete an ancient Jewish practice. The baby is cut like Sylvester Stalone in Rocky I, immediately making it look 15% bigger. The baby is crying profusely because his manhood was just sliced, while the Gandalf-esque Rabbi puts his lips to the baby’s…shmeckel…and sucks out some blood. He looks around nervously at his Rabbi-frat-friends muttering ‘No homo! God told me I have to do it if I wanted to get into ~~AEPi~~ heaven!’

This is the ancient Jewish ritual which has killed several infants in the past decade. It’s an ancient ritual in the sense that virgin sacrifices were once practiced by members of the community. But you know, now we try to limit virgin sacrifices to drunken prom-night car crashes and whoever Woody Allen happens to get his hands on.

The worst part of this story is that the mohel had herpes. So odds were he’d been doing something naughty or medically questionable, and then proceeded to…you get the point. Can we all come together and agree that this should be made illegal immediately? All opposed to BDS, Baby Dick Sucking, please raise your hand and repeat after me:

What. The. Fuck.

Note: Here is a list of people who approve this bullshit: Rabbi Moshe David Niederman is all for this practice. He likes giving babies BJs. OU.com kinda of allows it, but doesn’t really take a side. Mayor Michael Bloomberg has been all like ‘whatevs’ in 2005. Now Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants Rabbis to practice safe oral sex when performing metitzah b’peh. Rabbi Yitzchok Fisher seems okay with the practice, which may explain why he infected 2 infants with the herps. David Zwiebel of Agudath Israel doesn’t want to anger his Rabbi overlords, so he gives lip service but nothing more. Even Neo-Nazis knows this looks bad for Jews, especially since it’s been an issue for over a decade and has been brushed under the rug several times. Once, a Beit Din pretended to do something about it. Because that’s what Jewish courts usually do.

J. Viewz – HJs @ SXSW 2012

Chicky — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 17:01:52 +0000

J. Viewz is the electronic music project of Israeli-Brooklyn producer Jonathan Dagan. The live band consists entirely of Israeli ~~traitors~~ defectors (if they have not renounced their citizenship). They have a song in a Revlon commercial featuring Halle Berry.

J. Viewz features slow electronic beats combined with original instrumental recordings and saintly female vocals. It’s love making music, plain and simple. Need an example? You’ve got a Shebrew you’re trying to take back to your place after a night at the bars, and you want to seal the deal. Make some Jewish baby love-making. What do you do? You play some J. Viewz, that’s what you do.

J. Viewz: Tender, soulful babymaking music.

You can find them March 16th at the Tel Aviv Beach Party (notice a theme?), or March 17th at Karma Lounge.

Find more music videos here.

Find him on Facebook here.

Two Hassidic Jews get into a Jew fight

Chicky — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 19:46:35 +0000

JEWWWWWWWW FIIIIIGGGHHHTTT!

There’s something about a Jew fight that is just magical. Maybe it’s because these Hassidim are dressed so funny looking. Maybe it’s because they’re probably fighting over some petty interpretation of some 12th century text. Or maybe it’s because watching 2 ridiculously religious people fight is like watching 2 middle school girls fighting over a Hunger’s Game poster. Nobody wins, except for the spectators.

// Did anyone else find it ironic that whoever took this video was too jerky? I was under the impression B&H employees were taught about their electronics before they sold them.

/// If that dude was a terrorist, Hassidim should be ashamed of themselves.

//// Failed Messiah

Let me shatter your illusions of Hipsters and Fixies with math right quick.

LD — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 15:50:42 +0000

Fact: Hipsters love bikes. Fact: most of the bikes hipsters love are fixed-gear, or “fixies.” Fact: Even though most of us don’t understand them, hipsters love statistics. Especially HJs. How are we going to rule the world if we don’t understand our demographic?

Even if you suck at stats, this will be easy to understand: Manhattan is more hip than Brooklyn, and Orange County is more hip than San Francisco AND Portland.

Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the numbers.

According to the Priceonomics blog, which tracked fixie sales per capita, fixies are almost twice as popular in Manhattan than they are in Brooklyn. According to the post, “There are more bikes offered for sale in Brooklyn than Manhattan, but only 8.3% of them are fixies versus 9.5% in Manhattan.”

This data was then accrued for all US cities. Turns out, fixies are more than twice as popular in Orange County than they are in San Francisco! And where is Portland on the list? 14th. I know Portlandia is all you’ve been watching, oh naive HJ, but maybe The O.C. is more your speed.

There’s more info in the blog about regional bike culture in general, but who cares? Bikes with gear shifts are so 2007.

I believe Priceonomics sums it up best:

Despite our best efforts to paint Portland as a bunch of hipster bike snobs, the data simply does not support such a conclusion. The people of Portland just seem to really like bicycles, but not ones that are particularly expensive or difficult to pedal up hills. The same goes for the denizens of Brooklyn, who aren’t the fixie-fanatics they’re made out to be. It seems that American cities that are growing and highly educated tend to have thriving bicycle communities. Perhaps it is because these cities fill its inhabitants with a sense of adventure and optimism to try alternative forms of transportation. Or perhaps in these cities, parking is a pain in the ass.

Do not fret, dear HJs. Ride on. And good luck finding cheap rent in Orange County. It’s definitely where old people go to retire.(Incidentally, the least hipster town in America, according to bike sales, is Allentown, PA. Suck it, Amanda Seyfried.)

Meghan McCain has Hipster Envy

Chicky — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:00:21 +0000

Hipster envy is a little known social disease. Some people, who are ideologically unfascinating and culturally ambivalent, feel the need to hate on all Hipster culture. Sure, everyone has their gripes about certain parts of stereotypical Hipster culture. The sexy black/thick glasses. The sexy skinny jeans that make your junk pop. The anorexic body types — not SO sexy…

And Meghan McCain has Hipster envy for none other than Zooey Deschanel, the Hipster Queen of Hipster Brooklyn.

Brooklyn is probably also not fun for her because her idea of fun is getting blown at a DC Young Conservative’s political party. To each their own.

I say let the famewhores hate all they want.

ESPN writer bored. Tries to insult Hipsters and Hoopsters

The Duckman — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 22:00:00 +0000

Not only are these jokes atrocious, but the author doesn’t seem to comprehend that Hoopsters have an immense knowledge of basketball (pre-1999). And no one in their right mind is going to root for the Nets unless they get Alonzo Mourning to come out of retirement or at the very least hire Karl Malone to coach them. Seriously, did you even put any effort into this piece of shit?

For every bad NBA hoopster joke, God adds another 4 hours to the lockout.

click to enlarge

//via espn//

THE MOST HIPSTER PEOPLE EVER

Chicky — Wed, 18 May 2011 17:25:11 +0000

I used CAPS on this headline because this is so fucking important. It is so earth-shattering, so crushingly NYC hipster that I had to change my pants.

A group of intrepid Brooklynites have spent at least a year living on four houseboats moored on the ultra-toxic Gowanus Canal, where they’ve been floating under the radar of city agencies that monitor safety regulations.

Three of the houseboats, occupied by hipster 20-somethings, are docked behind a truck lot off President and Bond streets. Neighbors said they’re known for late-night canal parties and pretty girls sunbathing on the decks.

A few blocks south, off a First Street trailer lot, Adam Katzman, who has described himself as an environmentalist, lives in a fourth houseboat.

Let me break this down for you so that you may truly appreciate how hip these fuckers are.

- They live on a boat, on a putrid river in shacktown Brooklyn
- They live in shacks, that they built with their own two hands
- They party on the reg, and also let ‘pretty girls sunbathe’
- Atleast one of them is a Jewish New Yorker
- Atleast one is an environmentalist pretending to be Huckleberry Finn
- “Gowanus activist Eymund Diegel said it “ironic” that the “city legally dumps about a million gallons of sewage daily into the canal, but it’s technically illegal [without government approval] to dock houseboats in the Gowanus – even one helping clean the water.”

Irony and Houseboats: A Hipster’s best friend.