Something about Bubala Please makes me wish I didn’t live in Vermont. Oh yeah, that whole ‘diversity’ thing. It’s just so refreshing. Anyhow, it seems that the men behind Bubala Please have bought into the Taglit-Birthright Complex in their search for a Jewish girlfriend. Well, there’s lots of African Jews in Israel. So best of luck!
Archives For birthright
“This program is specially offered to people who board. No posers. No pushers. Go to explore and to skate. Sessions in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem!”
As a person who has been decried as a ‘fagg’ who owns a ‘faggytime ass blog‘ for knowing ‘nothing’ about skateboarding, I couldn’t help but chuckle when I read that Birthright is offering skateboarding trips. I’m not sure if I should be impressed or saddened at how hard Birthright tries to get every fucking Jew on the fucking planet to come visit Israel. They’re like the reverse Nazis, trying to persuade every Jew to take a trip with them. Also: Talk about uber-niche marketing. Only idiots would do that (lol).
A few things seriously confused me about this trip.
1) All these punk skateboarding Jews, unless they are %130 Jewish on their mother’s side, would be treated as second class citizens (which is pretty good in the grand scheme of Israeli society) if they did decide to move to Israel.
2) Would real punks go on an organized trip with organized events and a clear agenda?
3) Is Israel’s skateboarding scene that good? Do they have killer parks or cityscape that would make skateboarding there better than elsewhere? Couldn’t you just travel to Israel on your own and explore on your own, like Jesse Aizenstat did but with surfing?
I mean, is it wrong for me to assume that the skating community is waaaay too cool for this? Or am I so out of touch with all the punks and sk8ter bois?
People love doing stupid things with facts. Facts are just numbers that don’t mean much. But when you decide to take you biased/racist/political views and spin the facts, that’s when the fun begins! You can turn ‘30,000,000 poor, uninsured Americans’ into ‘30,000,000 lazy black Americans’ and nobody will question you! That’s the best part of our wonderful American media.
Recently, a 22 year old Ukraine male died on a Birthright trip. Not from the scary Palestinian terrorists, mind you! (Although that wouldn’t have happened because his bus had a single 22-year-old recently deployed Israeli soldier with a 1950s single-shot rifle protecting him. No worries, mah!) For some reason, the boy climbed an electric pole and died. This is sad. Quite sad. But the internets isn’t to dwell on sad things in the world. It’s here to make wild, deeply partisan and usually trolling interpretations of broad, hefty ideas such as the meaning of ‘life’.
In actuality, only 2 Birthright participant has ever died DURING Birthright. However, because I prefer to believe that death will snatch us all up any day now, I’m going to include the one other. The first died in his sleep in 2010 while on his last day of Birthright, in Israel. The second kid died in 2000 who died from meningitis after shortly returning from Israel. (Did he get it smooching with some Israeli boy or girl? I’ll never know.)
Alright. So computing with simple math skills, 3 Birthright participants out of a total of 300,000 have died during or shortly after visiting Israel. That means the odds of dying on your free Birthright trip to Isreal is:
1 out of 100,000.
This begs the question: What are the odds of dying on Birthright? What activities are safer than going on Birthright?
You are less likely to die of these than Birthright*:
- In a vehicle accident as a bus occupant 1:106,655
- Being bitten by a dog 1:119,998
- Trapped in a low-oxygen environment 1:548,562
- Earthquake 1:153,597
- Flood 1:383,994
- Firework discharge 1:479,992
And you are more likely to die of these than Birthright*:
- Accidental hanging/strangulation 1:13,569
- Firearm discharge 1:17,454
- Contact with heat and hot substances 1:41,290
- Jumping, falling, or pushed from a high place 1:47,999
- Contact with hornets, wasps, bees 1:62,950
- Legal execution 1:79,999
- Lightening 1:81,701
So before you agree to sign up for your free trip to Israel, just think of the above facts. Do you want to be a statistic? Wouldn’t you rather go out in a blaze of 4th of July firework discharge glory (odds of death 1:479,992)? You have options.
Please stop making GIF websites about your feelings on certain topics. They are boring and a waste of megabytes on the internet. I honestly don’t see how people think they are funny. Take for example #birthrightproblems. It brings nothing to the table other than referencing stupid movies and TV shows to express a mute point. Something I can already get by watching Family Guy. It’s not that #birthrightproblems is the only site to do this. There are 1000’s of these unoriginal pieces of garbage. And all of them need to be banished from the internet. Almost to the point where I would support SOPA just to have them removed. As reasonable citizens of the internet, we must put an stop to these webpages.
I think the only way I can really relay my thoughts is through a bunch of GIFs, so here you go. This is how I feel about these “problems” sites.
I don’t have the best feelings for Birthright, but this sketch extends to all foreign travel. In fact, it’s in my opinion that people who travel to Italy for a semester are the worst. “It’s so much better. Everyone is hotter. I’m so much cooler than you. I’m going to move there and marry some foreign hottie.” My god, shut up. Do you hear yourself? This is why Mikvah and I are NOT on speaking terms.
Man. I think we can close the book on Birthright jokes. Eugene Mirman [SXSW comedian, NYC lover, Hipster Jew (question mark?)] took my stand-up comedy cherry. And he just shattered the genre of Israel/Birthright jokes. One may question why Israel-Birthright would sponsor the video, but then didn’t promote it. Or why they filmed it in the first place. Or if it is actually sponsored by Birthright, and isn’t just an elaborate ruse by Mirman on some fellow Jews. Regardless, feel free to relive your most hilarious Birthright memories in the comment section below.
Thanks Niemeyer for the link
Give the bro on the right a tan and it’s all Guido to me.
Just finished this season of Jersey Shore, and throughout the final episode I kept thinking to myself: Man, this shit feels like deja vu. And I finally figured out why. Guidos visiting Italy as a means of getting trashed and having sex is the same as Jewish bros visiting Israel
as a means of getting trashed and having sex on Birthright. Don’t believe me? Look at these eerie similarities:
1) All the people on Jersey Shore were huge Guidos/Guidettes. All the people on Birthright are huge Jewish bros/biddies.
2) Every group of Birthrighters had that one kid who acted exactly like The Situation. All whiney and cocky but got into everyone’s business and eventually was rejected by the group. On the last day apologized so that people didn’t think he was a total fucking dick.
3) Most people on Birthright are there primarily to get drunk and hook up. Looking at the culture/history is secondary. Vinny said it best at the end of the season, “this part (the cultural/historical excursion) gave meaning to the place I’d been living in, I felt inspired”. I swear I heard like 15 people say this on our return flight.
4) Birthright is entirely fake life. Snooki admitted that Italy “wasn’t real life”. She’s a fucking idiot and even she knew that. Birthright, too, is entirely fake, like J-Wowz tatas.
5) Maybe 1 out of every 10 or 15 hookups in Birthright is between an American and an Israeli. The rest are American-American sexy relations. Same with Jersey Shore, where only a handful of real Italians were fortunate enough to leak their bodily liquids all over the “Shmoosh Room”.
6) Finally, nearly all the bars/clubs that they went to were full of Americans abroad or Americans on break. How many Israelis did you actually meet on Birthright while grinding in a club? Not many.
So, in conclusion:
Guidos visiting Italy is EXACTLY the same as Jews visiting Israel.
I know we’ve had a little bit of fun in the past. I mean, not personally me. I hated my trip. The ratio was 3 guys for every girl and there were only like 4 single girls. On top of that, 90% of the guys were in a frat. So there was no chance of me having fun, or getting laid. It’s not completely your fault, but it is your fault. The only I manage to have fun is by hearing other people’s trips. Like that one time this girl got finger banged by all the Israeli soldiers. Even the girl soldiers. Awesome story. Kind of surprised no one has written a porno based on their Israel experience. Kind of surprised you haven’t put up the funding for one either. I mean, hello. #2 goal for Birthright = Jewish babies.
What I really came here to talk about was your new project Taking Back Zionism. I know you mean well, but the people you are trying to convince are not buying it. You put up a propaganda site, hoping to convince people you are propaganda free. Maybe someone will buy it, but you are literally scaring most people away.
Let me tell you something about the Jewish youth. We are passive people who don’t like to be told what to do. We are left leaning, yet hardly give a shit about politics. We care more about life, then about ideas. If you want our attention, you must face things head on instead of skirting around the issues. Instead of telling far left groups like J Street that they can’t participate because they don’t have similar beliefs. Instead of sending people away because your donors don’t like them.
We see what you do. We see your motives. And frankly, most of us just use you to get a free trip to a foreign land. What we see isn’t Israel because that is not what you show us. What we see is a Disney Land version of a land that is rich in culture, food, people, and issues that we all deal with. You bastardize feelings and create a fake desire. For what? The greater good of the people? We see through it. We see through you. And with this, young Jews are silently boycotting you. Partying in a foreign land is not worth the risks of becoming a sheep or a pawn in your game. Many times we feel like nothing more than names on an emailing list you constantly harass with Birthright Next invitations, not people who understand there is something greater to the word and meaning of Zionism.
I understand most people need to be treated like 8 year olds. If you let Frat boys run wild in your streets, then bad things will happen. But at the same time, the people that actually care are watching you. When we see things like “Taking back Zionism”, and you disallowing groups like J Street from participating, we take note that you are not open to discussion. That you feel threatened if an outside view crawls in. We have views. And we wish you stopped painting a black and white photo of something much more colorful.
Chicky might have painted a picture that he was having fun on his trip. And it’s true, he did have fun. But upon reflection we all see the same thing. We see our experiences as fake. Something you pieced together in an unholy way. The Kibbutzes were fake, the tourist traps were fake, the attempt to bolster the Israeli economy was fake. Masada, fake. Jerusalem, fake. Even an argument I had in Tel Aviv with a man at the shuk (open air market) seems like something you pieced together. Just like Disney Land, it has a beautiful exterior. But the inner workings are ugly as hell.
You really need to call me ASAP. Your shit is getting out of control and you need to hire me to control it.
With much love
Yes. I’m saying that it was all this blog and my birthright posts that made birthright get a record number of applicants. Where’s my check? Where’s my reparation money?
Another Jewish organization just letting me down.
Let me remind you of my journey, the journey which helped push birthright towards the success it has today (i.e. 2 months after said trip).
And let us not forget how I made good on my promise to take a similar photo of The Duckman’s Western Wall shit-eating grin.
I don’t want to say that we totally did the ‘Bithright trip on a Jewish blog’ thing first. But we did. And now Jewcy is jumping on the idea. With a much more talented writer. And from LA, of all places.
Whatever. First is the best. Second is the worst. Third is the one with the polka dot skirt.
(Okay. I admit that we weren’t at all the first Jewish blog to do it. Jewcy has done it in the past, as have other people/blogs/Jews etc. And I knew we wouldn’t be the last. But a man’s sometimes gotta pee on a tree and claim his ground, ya know?)