I saw this and got so excited. There’s only a couple coffee milk companies in the world (probably factual), and they’re all owned by one giant company (40% accurate). I remember the day in Middle School when I realized you could order coffee milk for lunch. Everyone else ordered Chocolate or Plain like some mindless 12 year old assholes. I knew what was important, I knew what mattered – an obsession, unhealthy dependency on liquid coffee substances.
Here I am, 12 years later, with a large bottle of coffee milk syrup in my cabinet. And now, I can get myself the beer version – besides for Kahlua (which is, for all purposes, adult coffee milk) – and can drink what I can only imagine will be a delicious milk coffee stout for the rest of my short, barbaric, ironic life.
My New Years resolution is to swim in a tub of this stuff.
This Maccabee beer commercial is beyond confusing. So confusing. First off, ew. All beer made in Israel tastes like PBR, so I guess it isn’t that bad. But sometimes you want to drink a beer that has flavor and complexity, and you don’t want to pay 5 bucks because alcohol is actually taxed in Israel. Also, I didn’t know until now that Goldstar and Maccabee are produced by the same people – shouldn’t the government get involved and break up that shitty beer monopoly? That’d be like if Anheuser-Busch owned a bunch of shitty….nevermind.
The best beer I had in Israel was called Bazelet, and was a microbrew (with a brew-pub, American style), and it gave me hope for the entire country. I mean, as far as I’m concerned no beer means no Democracy. Use some of that holy water to make some holy liquids, alright?
Anyhow, you’ve got the guy from the Old Spice commercials, with an American flag next to him, asking you about what you’ve tasted. And lemme tell you, things get personal. Have I tasted the sun? Have a tasted a pot brownie in Amsterdam? Have I ever tasted a man? That’s not appropriate, Old Spice dude, we just met!
But damn is this a good commercial. I may disagree with the tastiness of Maccabee beer, but I can’t fault their advertising. Now I’m gonna drink a cheap, hand-crafted beer because I’m a fucking beer snob.
I am so done with the whole “I don’t like beer, I only like fruity drinks” thing.
We’ve all been there ladies. We’ve all not liked beer at one time in our lives.It’s just something you have to grow out of or die trying.
Avoiding drinking beer does not make you classy or more stylish than the rest of us. You are not more ladylike because you abstain from a good, solid Black & Tan Yuengling at the company barbecue. You are just a tool. Or a tool-ista because I think tool is a word referring to ladz instead of ladiez.
But mainly, I’m just making this argument so I can get my lady friendz to come with me to cheap beer special nights before we graduate and alcohol becomes a crutch instead of a enjoyment and my beer belly grows the size of a pregnancy belly so at my next large family gathering everyone’s really excited but also incredibly disappointed in me.
It’s finally happened. Two forces of time consuming evil are joining together to destroy everyone’s precious under-employed free time. Beer is being crafted – and inspired by – television shows. Today we’re coupling beer with popular tv. Tomorrow we’re all drinking Fast and Furious energy drinks. In a decade we’ll be smoking Breaking Bad Meth in between hitting our women with bottles of Mad Men scotch.
It started with Game of Thrones beer. Innocent enough, when you ignore all the murder incest and rape that occurs throughout that show. They promised a series of beers inspired by Game of Thrones, beginning with a Blonde Ale called Iron Throne. Har har har. Will I drink it on the season 3 premiere, March 21st? If I can get my hands on it.
The bastards at HBO know their marketing.
‘Fine’, you might think. ‘One series of beers wont rule them all. Game of Thrones is a wonderful, relevant show and this is just a marketing campaign at its finest. We have nothing to worry about.’
Nothing to worry about?
What if I told you there was a Dayman coffee IPA that will be released later this year. Yes. Dayman from Always Sunny. In collaboration with Stone Brewery. And Aleman Brewery. And Two Brothers Brewery. And probably The Duckman’s home brewery but he hasn’t told me yet because he’s a dick and terrible at communicating and I’m always the last one to know everything.
But that’s only the beginning. TV shows from the past, present, future, along with artisan craft foods and alcohol will blend together into one big consumable, earth-destroying mind-numbing never-ending hors d’oeuvre. Did I just watch an episode of Beverly Hills 90210? Or did I just drink that episode? And was Mickey Rourke a wrestler on that episode? Was he a wrestler from the year 2099? And did he wrestle prehistoric Superman?
SEE? SEE WHAT THIS IMPISH INTERCOURSE IS DOING TO OUR SOCIETY?!?!
Your favorite Swedish furniture store is now selling beer in the United Kingdom. It’s called Öl Mörk Lager which translates to “Dark Lager Beer.” Already sound cheap and crappy? Unfortunately, Ikea has yet to develop an Allen Wrench that doubles as a bottle opener. The good news is the beer comes with instructions and ingredients to brew it. The bad news is, Lagers are a bitch to brew.
Just kidding. But seriously, Ikea is brewing and selling beer now. Most likely because they understand people buy more useless crap when they’re drunk. You always regret your decisions when you’re drunk. And you always regret your IKEA purchases after buying them. So this works out perfectly. Enjoy your Dark Lager, UK. I’ll enjoy anther day I’m not forced to put together another crappy IKEA shelving unit.
This is the beer of Affliction. It’s an ugly chick magnet
A small brewery out in Hillsboro, Oregon is making the worst beer in the world. That’s right. Ambacht Brewing is making a Matzah flavor beer. Ew gross ew cooties. This sounds worse than the time I thought my homebrew had an infection but I still drank it anyways. But the good news is that this does sound better than actually eating the dried up, burnt cracker we call matzah. Although this is not kosher for Passover, I say who cares. The point of eating matzah is to suffer. So why not break the bottle instead of breaking the bread?
Now that I’ve mocked a beer I’ve never had, I think I would love to try this out. Hey, it really can’t be that bad. It’s definitely not going to be worse than Coors Lite. As we say every year at Passover Lashana Haba B’Portland, OR so I can pick up a case of Matzah beer.
Straight out of The Nanny comes a fake brew by Advertising Agency DDB. But we at Hipster Jew demand that this brew be made. It is the job of every American out there to find a real ‘Ethel Goldschmidt’ who is willing to be the face and story of an awesome brew concept. If we don’t see progress on this concept becoming a reality within the next year, we might have to get off our lazy asses and actually get this going on a few bathtub brewing kits. Don’t pretend like I don’t already brew an awesome beer
From the genius creators of the beer that tells you if its cold in case you’ve lost feeling in your fingers, and the truly blessed souls who made you a beer bottle with GROOVES IN IT! GROOVES!? Comes the newest invention that will change the beer industry for the next three months! It is the Miller Lite Punch Top Can. If you don’t know what this future “MacArthur Genius Award winner” is, let me explain the simple ingenuity to you…It is a beer can…that has a soft spot in it…kind of like a baby’s head…that lets you poke a hole in the top! (Like you would do to a baby’s head!)
Now, why would you want to poke a hole in the top of your beer? Well, so you can drink it quicker of course! Hole in the top means no air…less burping…intriguing right? Well, you know how you can REALLY make sure there’s no burping or air in your beer…PUT IT IN A CUP…but let’s say you’re in a place where there are no cups…or it’s one hundred years from now, and you’re in a new J.J. Abrams show and the world has run out of plastic…and paper…and styrofoam and the shape of a cylinder or sphere or half circle have vanished from the planet…well, then this punch top can becomes very convenient! But, there is only one problem (other than the obvious) with this punch top can. It’s GROSS. IT’S GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS! And not just a little gross, like a dead fly in your bathroom…but disgusting, filthy, foul, vomit-inducing GROSS like a dead cockroach inside your salad. Don’t believe me!?…OK…Ok…let’s go through the famous Miller Lite commercial and see what they “recommend” we use to open up the beer cans and you can decide for yourself.
You can find the commercial here or just use my textual description below you.
So, the commercial starts…we see a race car pull into a garage. The race car driver then takes a spark plug…a dirty, GASOLINE COVERED, ELECTRIFIED spark plug and shoves it into your liquid beer…yeah…that’s safe…and sanitary! With any luck, you’ll be crapping oil sludge for a week. I always wanted to find a use for my old Spark Plugs! They say you have to change your spark plug after 30,000 miles because of possible rust…mmmmm! I hope that possible rust gets into my beer!
WE NOW JUMP CUT TO A PARTY! Everyone is having a great time. Then, the DJ grabs a dirty, gross sound plug…you know the same sound plug you’ve seen hanging off of wires that have been dragged across dirt and mud and disgusting jizz and sweat covered club floors. Mmm use that to open up my beer! It’ll be like a “Girls Gone Wild Video” in my mouth! I can taste the debilitating STD now!
—nauseous yet? It gets better!
JUMP CUT TO A BAR! Where a guy uses a disgusting, filthy, probably-slimy-from-beer, dive bar pool cue to open up the beer! MMMMMM, How about some 5 year old, touched by thousands of people, sweat splattered blue chalk in your beer! That get you off!?
If you’re not dry heaving already, we jump to a pool party…lots of hot guys and girls…the guy pulls out an old, repulsive fucking SHARK TOOTH NECKLACE and opens up the beer with that. Yeah…Sure buddy, open up all my beers with the thing you’ve been wearing around your neck while we’ve been out here sunbathing and sweating for the last couple hours. The thing you haven’t genuinely cleaned in YEARS. Hopefully some dead skin particles have rubbed off on that thing too!
If you’re not over the toilet yet, we get a montage of grossness to finally put you over the edge.
We see a filthy wrench…who KNOWS what that has also been used for…it’s a fucking wrench! My guess is it was used to pry the spark plug off the race car that opened up your earlier beer! Then, we see a fishing lure! A FISHING LURE! You mean something that has been IN THE OCEAN and in a WILD FISH’S MOUTH is gonna be inside my beer!? BLEEEEEHHHHH!
Then, a domino piece…Sure grandpa, shove your domino piece in my beer!
AND THEN FINALLY, TO TOP IT ALL OFF…what looks to be either be a tweezer or a nail file! You mean, the thing I use to scrape off thousands of dead particles off my body can now be used to pop a hole in my beer and release thousands of dead skin cells/ tiny plucked hairs into my beer!? The thing I use for hygienic purposes can now be used to open beers? The thing I leave in my bathroom all day, that collects toilet water mist, and sits next to my dirty pubic-hair-riddled electric razor can open up my beer!? Fantastic! I can taste my crotch sweat now!
Most people I’ve talked to have told me they’d just use their key to pop open this new beer. Their key!? THEIR KEY!? THEIR GERM RIDDEN KEY!? The thing that’s been sitting in their SWEATY, MOIST, DISGUSTING pocket all day accumulating dust, and rubbing up against your jeans? The thing you shove into filthy, wet metallic holes several times a day!? They say that a key is as dirty as the BOTTOM OF YOUR FEET! Why not just open this thing with your big toe nail then?
(Takes Deep Breath)
THE MILLER LITE POP CAN IS GROSS! IT’S YUCKY, UNCOUTH, and UNSANITARY (thank you thesaurus). And here’s the thing…I like Miller Lite…for a crappy lite beer, it’s one of the better ones (in my opinion). I’d drink it way over Budweister…I even have family that works for Miller/Coors…In fact, I really believe it’s a nice try…it might even be fun at parties, but at the end of the day…we just have to accept…this punch can is VULGAR! Here’s a thought! If you want a nice SMOOTH pour go buy a glass bottle of Miller Lite…Ooo! Ooo! Maybe you can get the one with the nice grooves in it too! Vortex Bottle Baby! Or you know…just put it in a fucking cup!
Science is usually bullshit. Science rocks! Science recently told me that I am awesome because I don’t exercise, don’t eat, and smoke like a chimney. How so?
A lean, muscular person will be less affected by drink than someone with more body fat: Water-rich muscle tissues absorb alcohol effectively, preventing it from reaching the brain.
It’s from the internet, so it must be true!
What does this mean for you, the hipsterjew reader?
1) Jewish girls with joobies will get drunk quick.
2) Our regular scrawny hipsters will drink more than expected. Warning: Stay away from a bootleg moonshine-drinking competition.
3) Chubsters are a cheap date. You know what I’m talking about.
If you care to learn more alcohol facts, so you can be that asshole at your MOMA reception, read here.