Are you worried about your little mensch, off in high school, doing drugs and having premarital relations with strange girls? Do you want to keep in touch and know what he is doing, but he doesn’t want to communicate with you because you are a control freak? I know, ugh, puberty.

Well now, all the mothers who read this blog, you don’t need to worry! For the millionth time some shameless app makers have created a sneakily evasive app for your child’s smartphone! Sure, some of the more astute parents may think that 15 year old children don’t need another piece of advanced technology. But those parents are merely BAD, UNHIP parents.

So dear reader, if you feel that you are not controlling your children enough, you can let them feel like THEY are in control. But they’re not. You are. You and technology, hand in hand, ensuring no unwanted pregnancies (and subsequent abortions) will shame your family’s golden, upper-middle-class name.

LONG LIVE TECHNOLOGY

Where is the “regret buying an iphone” app?
Where is the “take back hooking up with snooki last night” app?
How about the “I didn’t actually mean to sext my dick to my old high school teacher” app?
Or what about the “I didn’t mean to finally stand up to my mother last night” app?
And they say there is an app for everything….

On top of that, they refuse to buy me a smartphone with a data plan. I feel terribly out of place everywhere I go. I still spend hours daily, pouring over obscure movie and music trivia facts, just so I can impress people with my obscure and bourgeoisie sophistication. Having a pretty face just isn’t enough to get by these days. But now all my friends call me out when I make a mistake. Who cares if it was Louis XII who was called ‘Le Père du Peuple’, and not James Earl Jones.

I heard rumors about this foursquare program that all the cool kids are using. I don’t know what it is. I know it’s not that amazing childhood sport that hipsters like myself still play. I do know that I can’t become the ‘Mayor’ of my local divebar, which means no free gravy fries with my $20 Monday night tab. I’m told all the cool kids use it to update their Twatter accounts, but I can barely understand how the Hipsterjew Twat works.

Look, this is pretty frickin embarrassing but I’m going to trust you wont tell any of my friends….I still have to print out Googlemaps for directions. The Duckman tells me most people use an ‘app’ for that, which I think is short for Apple Macintosh Computer.

Readers, all I want is a iPhone 4G. I wont complain about how shitty the service is. Ok, that’s a lie — it’s the reason I have this blog. But I’d appreciate it helluva lot more than you do. And it’s extremely hard to keep up on my Yahoo! News Updates (for the keywords ‘Jews’, ‘Hipsters’, ‘Williamsburg’, ‘Israel’, and ‘Bar Rafaeli naked’) without a 24/7 connection.