I just have to warn that cotton prices have pretty much doubled in a year. Meaning we HAVE TO raise the price. I do not plan on making any money off of these. I will sell them for the average I am paying to obtain these shirts. It should come out to under $20 with shipping. So don’t spend all of your Hanukkah money on chocolate gelt.

American Apparel Men’s Fine Jersey Short Sleeve V-Neck: Heather Grey
Sizes: Small, Medium, Large, X-L

American Apparel Women’s Tri-Blend Deep V-Neck Tee: Athletic Grey
Sizes: X-S, Small, Medium, Large

Pre-order your shirt(s) by emailing info{at}hipsterjew.com

Something weird happened along our way into the 21st century. Now hipsters have verbal contests to figure out who goes to the “best” thrift store, get into heated arguments about if PBR truly is the best of the worst beer (I still haven’t worked up the nerve to try Milwaukee’s Best, Blattz, or Big Flats. Why would you name a beer anything close to “Flat,” anyway? Seems like a surefire way to fail right off the bat), and dumpster dive for food occasionally, in the name of “sustainability.” I mean, I used to troll for really old electronics (in case someone was foolhardy enough to throw out a SNES or something awesome. I amassed a collection of barely working Pentium II’s. So close, yet so far.), but I draw the line at dumpster food. Actually, no, I cherish fond memories of free donuts. I once fought a good friend for the last dumpster Boston Creme and won. Ahh, the days of yore.

So now we seem to find ourselves in an upside down world, where the coolest people (or at least, people who consider themselves the coolest) shop as cheaply and as secondhand as possible. Or do they? There is something undeniable about the way American Apparel holds over the hipster community, what with their near-pornographic ads and their American spun threads. I’ve come up with an explanation for this seeming paradox. It’s simple, and makes perfect sense!

Hipsters have a battery. They want to buy American Apparel, but it’s so expensive just for a t-shirt that if they shopped there exclusively, they’d run out of money for cigs, booze and a host of other hipster commodities, like the new Panda Bear LP. So in order to recharge their trust-fund batteries, they descend upon thrift stores in the dozens to snap up “vintage” and “ironic” items of clothes, which explains the sudden resurgence of flannel shirts, and the increase of people who look like hobos. Then Dov Charney come out with a new barely-legal advertisement and the whole circle starts over again. The whole thing sucks and I refuse to have a part in it, except my fridge has no beer and I kind of need a new pair of jeans.

I think I’ve been had.

Why would Dov do such a thing? Because American Apparel is losing so much money? He should drop his tough guy facade and admit that his company is run like shit, his products are shitty and over-priced, and that his mother is no longer proud of him.

“Kids are moving away from piercings,” Charney says. “We want to grow old with our customer. We want to be a traditional American clothier.”

No, you want to sell out and make lots of money. But no one’s really surprised. I just wish you wouldn’t call me a sucker for once buying a zip-unisex-hoodie from you. Oh, and because I bought like three of these:

Dov don’t h8 on every1 just b/c u wear ur own product. U finally realized u may not always want 2 look like a douche. If u wont respect wo-men, atleast respect ur male customers.

American Apparel can even make Shaggy look cool

There is a reason why American Apparel is going broke. It’s because Dov Charney doesn’t know how to run a company.

Gawker tells us that Dov

“made store managers across the country take group photos of their employees so that he could personally judge people based on looks. He is tightening the AA ‘aesthetic,’ and anyone that he deems not good-looking enough to work there, is encouraged to be fired.”

Dov Rule #1  is that you don’t micro-manage your company. Personally judging every single employee to make sure they live up to the ‘Charney Standard’ is time consuming. You probably have more important things to do, like make sure your company doesn’t go bankrupt. Creeping on your female employees should be a close second on your list. Not a priority.

I’m sure some people are really really pissed about this. They’re obviously ugly and unfit to work at American Apparel. And if I wasn’t too good for retail work, I’d probably get a job there myself. Not just for the discounts, but to lord my beauty and fashun skillz over every1 else.

Of course, people were bound to whine over their secret hiring policies.

“Your looks determine your position and pay rate, not how effective you are at your job.”

Cry me a river. It’s called the real world, where people who look attractive get paid more and are given more attention and sex. (By ‘real’ I mean ‘expensive’ and by ‘world’ I mean ‘elitist company’.) And if you don’t meet the ‘Charney Standards’, you can always apply to work at a Gap or Urban Outfitters. Their hiring standards are lower, and the girls are much uglier.

Americans can’t create double standards like this. First, they get angry because a banker was fired for ‘being too hot‘. Now, people are pissed because AA will only hire people who are ‘being too hot’. Well guess what, America, you can’t have it both ways. Choose one and stick with it. You’re sending mixed signals to our young impressionable women about how they should dress and act. And since it’s called American Apparel, we should all jump on the ‘Charney sexism’ boat and agree with whatever creepy thing he wants to do next.

This video showed one asshole hipster standing on a car. He probably did it because his parents refused to pay for a new iFad, and he knew that if he got arrested it would shame them immensely. But this was no riot, no siree. There was a long line of quiet, patient hipsters waiting to save some money on over-priced unisex clothing. Dov Charney was no where to be seen.

Now, if they want a riot, I can show them a riot. This one at AA is total Bush League. Huffy, I’m all for blaming Jews and hipster (especially the combination of both), but these one just ‘aint true. Sorry.

So American Apparel has decided to compete with Apple Bottoms Jeans for best butts in the world. Apple Bottom is known for their jeans to fill the needs of large buxommed black women. American Apparel is reigning in their own middle-upper class white asses. And what’s surprising? White women have junk in their trunk.

There are only 2 simple requirements for entering this contest: 1) Be 18 years or older and 2) Take a picture of yourself in AA panties bodysuit, or panties. Winners will receive $300 worth of AA schwag, equivalent to 1 hoodie and 3 pairs of panties. They do not specify whether you must be a woman to compete, yet there has yet to be any ‘dude butt’.

This butt was named #1Tushie, from the Bronx. I assume her Jewish mother told her this as a child, and I believe it to be true now. Score of 3.65, overall rank 23 out of 1063. Enjoy.

So I did it the other day. I never thought I would gain the courage to do it. The grande cajones, if you will. It took me two years but I finally bought a $42 hoodie from American Apparel.

$42 for anything is expensive in my book. Clothing, music tix, hookers. I’m not saying I’m cheap, but there’s no need to take a cheap cultural shot here.

(Above: What I envision myself to look like when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window)

I’ve made a few neurotic self-defensive thoughts in the past 12 hours. It feels warm. It has a nice color. It looks good on me. It goes well with my hipster wardrobe and array of sports jackets.

Yet in the end, I knew I had to give into American Apparel. It’s just too hip, unisex, and middle-class for me to deny myself. And everyone knows there is nothing more American than the Middle Class.

-Charles