Archives For alcohol

Mila Kunis is the new face of Jim Beam. What does that mean? Well it all depends on your feelings for Jim Beam. For me, it will always be part of the Philly special. $3 for a shot of Jim Beam and a PBR. Each one’s bad taste counteracts each other and becomes something tolerable. Soon enough you’re drunk, crying on the floor of the bathroom, wondering why no one liked your creative ideas in class.

It’s like that dark era of my life now has Mila Kunis as a spokesperson… Cool…

alcohol

5) PBR
The hipster classic. Easy to drink and easy to be “the founder of the feast” by bringing a lot. Loses points for its low ABV, so you have to combine it with shots, or drink a hell of a lot and get that “all of my bodily fluids are beer right now” type of drunk.

4) Evan Williams

Those of us with trust funds might be tempted to get Knob Creek or Woodford Reserve, but when you’re pouring out communal shots for the whole party at midnight, you want more not better. Plus, this way you get to see who’s experiences with shooting whiskey and who’s a baby that will make entertaining faces and complain about how bad it tastes for at least ten minutes afterward. Bonus if they puke.

3) Rum & Coke

Party staple, though maybe a little corporate for using a name brand. Also has the tendency of starting out at the beginning of the night being a respectable ratio of Coke to booze, and at the end being a hellbrew of mostly rum with a dash of soda. Drink at your own risk.

2) Champagne

The one set time of year where it’s acceptable to drink the stuff, unless you’re a rapper. Resolve to make up more excuses to drink this during the upcoming year. Save a bottle or two for the next morning so that you can make mimosas, in case you’re a weakling that gets hangovers.

1) Microbrew

The ultimate in cred. Get one high in ABV so that you don’t have to drink an entire case just to keep up with the rest of the party. Pick up a gluten free pack in case you’ve got a friend with an allergy, or want to impress the hot chick on the fad diet across the room. Or if you plan ahead, go to a microbrewery outside of your local area the day before the party so that you can buy a beer that no one has ever heard of, ensuring your status as Drunken Master of Hipsters.

coffee_milk_beer

I saw this and got so excited. There’s only a couple coffee milk companies in the world (probably factual), and they’re all owned by one giant company (40% accurate). I remember the day in Middle School when I realized you could order coffee milk for lunch. Everyone else ordered Chocolate or Plain like some mindless 12 year old assholes. I knew what was important, I knew what mattered – an obsession, unhealthy dependency on liquid coffee substances.

Here I am, 12 years later, with a large bottle of coffee milk syrup in my cabinet. And now, I can get myself the beer version – besides for Kahlua (which is, for all purposes, adult coffee milk) – and can drink what I can only imagine will be a delicious milk coffee stout for the rest of my short, barbaric, ironic life.

My New Years resolution is to swim in a tub of this stuff.

drunk-dial

Are you lonely?
Out of a Job?
Drinking your political science degree away?
Just want someone to talk to?
Maybe someone to talk dirty to?

I have a website you should check out. Drunk Dial Congress.

Don’t be afraid you might not have anything to say. There is a list of great talking points you can refer to as you use your God given right to drink and yell at people on the phone. Talk about how you really wanted to see some fucking pandas. Talk about how you think they should let illegals mow the Lincoln Memorial lawn to save on spending.

Don’t talk about legalizing pot. Don’t talk about how you need to score some molly, but the website you frequent was shut down by the feds. Don’t threaten to kill anyone, or mention you were with someone’s mother last night.

Otherwise, have fun this weekend ;)

Drink beer.

I am so done with the whole “I don’t like beer, I only like fruity drinks” thing.

We’ve all been there ladies. We’ve all not liked beer at one time in our lives.It’s just something you have to grow out of or die trying.

Avoiding drinking beer does not make you classy or more stylish than the rest of us. You are not more ladylike because you abstain from a good, solid  Black & Tan Yuengling at the company barbecue.  You are just a tool. Or a tool-ista because I think tool is a word referring to ladz instead of ladiez.

Lady Drinking Beer

Atta girl

But mainly, I’m just making this argument so I can get my lady friendz to come with me to cheap beer special nights before we graduate and alcohol becomes a crutch instead of a enjoyment and my beer belly grows the size of a pregnancy belly so at my next large family gathering everyone’s really excited but also incredibly disappointed in me.

 

 

 

I’d like to write a new year’s resolution for all of you. As you read from a blog for which I write, I have this authority. It’s in the book of Numbers somewhere. Look it up.

Anyway,  I’m taking this ability to make a resolution for you, because it’s such a universal truth, that you won’t be able to help but agree: Never do ANY family event at all this year without being severely lubricated. Seriously.

drunk_uncle_snl

 Everybody wants to be the Drunk Uncle

You may think you can handle your family without an entire bottle of wine or half a handle of vodka, but you are wrong. Cousin Mindy’s going to say something offensive about “the gays” or your mother’s going to spill the entire contents of her plate into your lap and you’re going to wish you’d taken a few picklebacks before heading over to Grandma’s house (with a designated driver of course).

The second part of this resolution, for those of you who have already discovered this trick of drinking at family events and are laughing at my until-recent ignorance, is to not get too drunk.  No one wants to see you take your bra off and dance around the table using Great Uncle Morty’s dentures as a form of percussion.

No excuses if your family doesn’t drink or you have a history of alcoholism. Your sanity is far more important than family ideals and traditions or personal health.

I think this might end up being the best year you’ve ever had.

 

NOTE: Alcohol can be exchanged for marijuana in Washington and Colorado. Hipster Jew does not promote illegal consumption of such goods in other states. *wink wink*

 

fresh-prince-mom

Every year since Hipster Jew started, I made up a list of things I didn’t want to see in the new year (2011) (2012) Often time, whatever I ask to stop becomes bigger and more powerful. I almost turned this into a Karma – reverse psychology situation, but thought better of that. I mean why break from tradition?

  1. People bitching about online privacy – You have no online privacy. Anything you type or post on the internet is there for life and for everyone to see. So stop bitching about it. Stop bitching about Facebook’s privacy setting and just make your Facebook open to everyone. Don’t post what shouldn’t be on the internet. If you hate Instagram’s new privacy policy, then just stop using Instagram. Also stop stealing images off of other people’s websites. Stop downloading music and movies. Stop taking other people’s content without permission. Because shit, that’s all they wanted to do, but to you.
  2. No Bar / Cash Bar Weddings – According to Facebook, all of my friends got engaged in the past month. If you happen to invite me to your wedding, I request one thing to keep our friendship going; an open bar. I need to drown out my sorrows and pretend I’m happy for you as you make the next step in your life. So please be considerate of me. At least make your wedding BYO. I promise not to make a giant fool of myself.
  3. 1 minute commercials on 3 minute music videos – Online advertising is huge. So huge, there are companies that think they can get away with posting massive video ads in places they shouldn’t be. How much of a bitch is it to go through a Youtube playlist only to spend 1/3 of the time watching car commercials? Enough is enough. Cut them down to 15 seconds or GTFO.
  4. Beer Gimmicks – What the hell does poking a hole in your can do? Who does my beer need to be frozen for me to drink it? How come there is this twister thing going on in my bottles? Do you really think adding a word like Platinum will make your beer taste better? Can you work on making your beer not taste like shit rather than these dumb gimmicks? No? Okay.
  5. Super short attention spans in the news – I know we have a terrible attention span, but I think we need to put more thought and effort into things we get really angry about for a week. KONY was a joke. There is a reason why we never posted anything about it. You all got fooled by the nonsense that any second year college student could see through. Treyvon, while a terrible situation, came in like a flash and out with the long trial process and actual facts of the case. I hate to ask you to think before you act, but… yeah. Then again, if we all thought before we acted, we wouldn’t have the 24 hour comedy show on Fox News.
  6. Jewish Memes – Besides for every Jewish Meme being terrible and not funny, there is also something to say about the accuracy of them. For example, Good Guy Rabbi won’t tell you that you can’t eat pork. He also doesn’t mind you wishing him a Merry Christmas. But when it comes to women wearing a tallit by the Western Wall, or going to the cops when a child in the community is molested, well, Good Guy Rabbi can hardly be found. Sure, Jews can get along great with non Jews, but Jews do not get along with other Jews. Fix that before you spread your bad meme propaganda.
  7. Mass Murder – Stop. Just Staahp.
  8. Unemployment – How hard is it to give everyone a job? Just have people them shuffle papers and plug in numbers into excel sheets like we did in the 90’s. Give them 28k a year and call it in. 0% unemployment. I just fixed the economy.

Drunk Jeff Goldblum

The Duckman —  10/23/2012 —  Comments

There are times when I fail my readers, and this is one of those times. Although I am a child of the internet, I recently learned about the wonderful “Drunk Jeff Goldblum” meme. Throughout my drunken conversations on the hilarity of Jeff Goldblum, not a single person mentioned these videos. How upsetting. Prior to the widespread use of autotune, geeks used the art of slowing and and speeding up sound to make people sound drunk. I have seen the light. And for those who have not seen the light, I will show you.

Go to videogum for more Drunk Jeff Goldblum videos

Oh Charles Bukowski. Our surrogate father, up in heaven, if only you had believed in heaven. And if only you weren’t a cretinous old man full of hate and wonder.

Remember that time your friends and you went out to that awesome warehouse rave/party? You wanted to dance but you only dance when you are REALLLY drunk, so you did a lot of binge drinking. Then you drank some more. And some more. Somehow you found your way home, but the next morning you were awaken by the most terrible hangover you’ve ever known. Dry mouth, a pulsating feeling in your brain. You spent the rest of the day in bed, drinking water, popping Tylenol just to stay alive.

My point is that you’re still a bitch. Bukowski would laugh at your hangovers, and then continue to drink his liver to death.

He will always be better than you.

Take it from me, being a good kid is boring. At the time, you may be proud of yourself for making honor role and baking cookies for orphans, but when you reach 18 and realize you can’t get away with crap anymore, you will be so pissed.

All those chances to rape, pillage, and murder without getting sent to grownup prison? Gone.

 I’ve heard rumors that prison is only half as cute as this.

To all of our underage readers (if you exist, please explain to me why the mall isn’t cool anymore), I give you this one piece of grown-up advice: FUCK SHIT UP.

Go to your local pet store and flip all the turtles on their backs.

OR.

Steal your neigbhors mailbox and spray paint “VAGINA JUICE” all over it.

OR.

buy one of these shirts.

There’s nothing that angers the white olds more than a teenager admitting that they drink alcohol illegally. And in t-shirt form? Your momma might actually ground you. No cell phone privileges or television for 2 weeks?

Think of the possibilities.