Don’t be afraid you might not have anything to say. There is a list of great talking points you can refer to as you use your God given right to drink and yell at people on the phone. Talk about how you really wanted to see some fucking pandas. Talk about how you think they should let illegals mow the Lincoln Memorial lawn to save on spending.
Don’t talk about legalizing pot. Don’t talk about how you need to score some molly, but the website you frequent was shut down by the feds. Don’t threaten to kill anyone, or mention you were with someone’s mother last night.
I am so done with the whole “I don’t like beer, I only like fruity drinks” thing.
We’ve all been there ladies. We’ve all not liked beer at one time in our lives.It’s just something you have to grow out of or die trying.
Avoiding drinking beer does not make you classy or more stylish than the rest of us. You are not more ladylike because you abstain from a good, solid Black & Tan Yuengling at the company barbecue. You are just a tool. Or a tool-ista because I think tool is a word referring to ladz instead of ladiez.
But mainly, I’m just making this argument so I can get my lady friendz to come with me to cheap beer special nights before we graduate and alcohol becomes a crutch instead of a enjoyment and my beer belly grows the size of a pregnancy belly so at my next large family gathering everyone’s really excited but also incredibly disappointed in me.
I’d like to write a new year’s resolution for all of you. As you read from a blog for which I write, I have this authority. It’s in the book of Numbers somewhere. Look it up.
Anyway, I’m taking this ability to make a resolution for you, because it’s such a universal truth, that you won’t be able to help but agree: Never do ANY family event at all this year without being severely lubricated. Seriously.
Everybody wants to be the Drunk Uncle
You may think you can handle your family without an entire bottle of wine or half a handle of vodka, but you are wrong. Cousin Mindy’s going to say something offensive about “the gays” or your mother’s going to spill the entire contents of her plate into your lap and you’re going to wish you’d taken a few picklebacks before heading over to Grandma’s house (with a designated driver of course).
The second part of this resolution, for those of you who have already discovered this trick of drinking at family events and are laughing at my until-recent ignorance, is to not get too drunk. No one wants to see you take your bra off and dance around the table using Great Uncle Morty’s dentures as a form of percussion.
No excuses if your family doesn’t drink or you have a history of alcoholism. Your sanity is far more important than family ideals and traditions or personal health.
I think this might end up being the best year you’ve ever had.
NOTE: Alcohol can be exchanged for marijuana in Washington and Colorado. Hipster Jew does not promote illegal consumption of such goods in other states. *wink wink*
Every year since Hipster Jew started, I made up a list of things I didn’t want to see in the new year (2011) (2012) Often time, whatever I ask to stop becomes bigger and more powerful. I almost turned this into a Karma – reverse psychology situation, but thought better of that. I mean why break from tradition?
No Bar / Cash Bar Weddings – According to Facebook, all of my friends got engaged in the past month. If you happen to invite me to your wedding, I request one thing to keep our friendship going; an open bar. I need to drown out my sorrows and pretend I’m happy for you as you make the next step in your life. So please be considerate of me. At least make your wedding BYO. I promise not to make a giant fool of myself.
1 minute commercials on 3 minute music videos – Online advertising is huge. So huge, there are companies that think they can get away with posting massive video ads in places they shouldn’t be. How much of a bitch is it to go through a Youtube playlist only to spend 1/3 of the time watching car commercials? Enough is enough. Cut them down to 15 seconds or GTFO.
Beer Gimmicks – What the hell does poking a hole in your can do? Who does my beer need to be frozen for me to drink it? How come there is this twister thing going on in my bottles? Do you really think adding a word like Platinum will make your beer taste better? Can you work on making your beer not taste like shit rather than these dumb gimmicks? No? Okay.
Super short attention spans in the news – I know we have a terrible attention span, but I think we need to put more thought and effort into things we get really angry about for a week. KONY was a joke. There is a reason why we never posted anything about it. You all got fooled by the nonsense that any second year college student could see through. Treyvon, while a terrible situation, came in like a flash and out with the long trial process and actual facts of the case. I hate to ask you to think before you act, but… yeah. Then again, if we all thought before we acted, we wouldn’t have the 24 hour comedy show on Fox News.
Jewish Memes – Besides for every Jewish Meme being terrible and not funny, there is also something to say about the accuracy of them. For example, Good Guy Rabbi won’t tell you that you can’t eat pork. He also doesn’t mind you wishing him a Merry Christmas. But when it comes to women wearing a tallit by the Western Wall, or going to the cops when a child in the community is molested, well, Good Guy Rabbi can hardly be found. Sure, Jews can get along great with non Jews, but Jews do not get along with other Jews. Fix that before you spread your bad meme propaganda.
Mass Murder – Stop. Just Staahp.
Unemployment – How hard is it to give everyone a job? Just have people them shuffle papers and plug in numbers into excel sheets like we did in the 90′s. Give them 28k a year and call it in. 0% unemployment. I just fixed the economy.
There are times when I fail my readers, and this is one of those times. Although I am a child of the internet, I recently learned about the wonderful “Drunk Jeff Goldblum” meme. Throughout my drunken conversations on the hilarity of Jeff Goldblum, not a single person mentioned these videos. How upsetting. Prior to the widespread use of autotune, geeks used the art of slowing and and speeding up sound to make people sound drunk. I have seen the light. And for those who have not seen the light, I will show you.
Go to videogum for more Drunk Jeff Goldblum videos
Oh Charles Bukowski. Our surrogate father, up in heaven, if only you had believed in heaven. And if only you weren’t a cretinous old man full of hate and wonder.
Remember that time your friends and you went out to that awesome warehouse rave/party? You wanted to dance but you only dance when you are REALLLY drunk, so you did a lot of binge drinking. Then you drank some more. And some more. Somehow you found your way home, but the next morning you were awaken by the most terrible hangover you’ve ever known. Dry mouth, a pulsating feeling in your brain. You spent the rest of the day in bed, drinking water, popping Tylenol just to stay alive.
My point is that you’re still a bitch. Bukowski would laugh at your hangovers, and then continue to drink his liver to death.
Take it from me, being a good kid is boring. At the time, you may be proud of yourself for making honor role and baking cookies for orphans, but when you reach 18 and realize you can’t get away with crap anymore, you will be so pissed.
All those chances to rape, pillage, and murder without getting sent to grownup prison? Gone.
I’ve heard rumors that prison is only half as cute as this.
To all of our underage readers (if you exist, please explain to me why the mall isn’t cool anymore), I give you this one piece of grown-up advice: FUCK SHIT UP.
Go to your local pet store and flip all the turtles on their backs.
Steal your neigbhors mailbox and spray paint “VAGINA JUICE” all over it.
There’s nothing that angers the white olds more than a teenager admitting that they drink alcohol illegally. And in t-shirt form? Your momma might actually ground you. No cell phone privileges or television for 2 weeks?
Bill Murray, meet the biddies. Biddies, meet Bill Murray.
Bill Murray loves his alcohol. He’s notorious for finding his way into random Brooklyn ‘Hipster’ parties. He loves meeting and drinking with young people. Possibly because we are the ones who have been watching his movies, paying for his lavish lifestyle (let me pretend that I’m important, just for a minute). Maybe because young people know how to have some drunken debauchery, and aren’t confined by marriage, children, or ‘true’ responsibilities to enjoy a drunken night out – or four – on the town. Either way, Murray has been finding himself in many drunken situations throughout the past couple years. You already knew that.
Take for instance this video he took recently for Moonrise Kingdom, giving a drunken tour of the set all the while holding a glass of “Sailor Jerry…it’s a spiced rum.”
Some people may find this offensive. A man in his early 60s, (my father’s age) getting drunk all the time?!?! How dare he! Alcoholism is a disease and it’s bad to enjoy drinking with women who could be your granddaughters. I certainly don’t associate with those people, but all I can do when I think of Bill Murray is compare him to Ernest Hemingway. Sounds crazy? Hear me out. Both men were great at portraying love, loss, and alcohol. Both men have worn grizzled beards. Both men have a deranged, morbid sense of humor. And, well, they both seem(ed) like they’re kind of lonely people. Hemingway had his hunting and fishing trips, his escapades to foreign countries, where surrounded by multitudes of people, he would still become self-involved and borderline self-obsessive. I can only wonder if Murray is the same way.
It’s not like these allegations are anything new. Stories of Murray’s ridiculousness have been finding their way to the media since before 2008. But Murray is no longer just a man, and his two new movies will prove that. He is a myth. He is a legend.
And he’s a hot mess.
I hope to one day not remember drinking with him. It will be the greatest day of my life that I didn’t know happened.
Alamo Drafthouse, the somewhat pretentious movie theater in Austin, Texas that throws people out for texting, is adding a new wine to our cultural lexicon.
Well not Alamo Drafthouse is adding a special series of wine, for the 25th anniversary of The Princess Bride.
Austin, TX— Tuesday, January 31, 2012— Alamo Drafthouse is delighted to announce the launch of a signature wine inspired by THE PRINCESS BRIDE in honor of the 25th anniversary of the film. The name of this signature wine program, “The Bottle Of Wits,” is derived from the iconic “battle of wits” scene…[Ed. Note: But fuck that, if you don't know that scene you're a cultural baffoon and should fuck off.]
“Inconceivable Cab” is a 2009 vintage California Cabernet, with a deep ruby hue. The nose is all black currant with subtle hints of oak. Medium bodied, full of plum and black cherry fruit, balanced by firm acidity and tannins. On the finish, lingering notes of cedar and vanilla dominate. It is complex & intriguing, with no trace of iocane powder.
The “As You Wish White” is a light golden hue in the glass. This refreshing California blend has bright clean tropical fruit & green apple aromas. Medium bodied, with balanced acidity, it starts with bright tropical fruit flavors, leading to a long, citrus-laced finish. Perfect for relaxing after a daring escape through the fire swamp.
And if you luck out, you can buy a bottle by clicking this link! Make all your friends feel like shit because you care more about an iconic cult movie than drinking quality wine!