I’d like to write a new year’s resolution for all of you. As you read from a blog for which I write, I have this authority. It’s in the book of Numbers somewhere. Look it up.
Anyway, I’m taking this ability to make a resolution for you, because it’s such a universal truth, that you won’t be able to help but agree: Never do ANY family event at all this year without being severely lubricated. Seriously.
Everybody wants to be the Drunk Uncle
You may think you can handle your family without an entire bottle of wine or half a handle of vodka, but you are wrong. Cousin Mindy’s going to say something offensive about “the gays” or your mother’s going to spill the entire contents of her plate into your lap and you’re going to wish you’d taken a few picklebacks before heading over to Grandma’s house (with a designated driver of course).
The second part of this resolution, for those of you who have already discovered this trick of drinking at family events and are laughing at my until-recent ignorance, is to not get too drunk. No one wants to see you take your bra off and dance around the table using Great Uncle Morty’s dentures as a form of percussion.
No excuses if your family doesn’t drink or you have a history of alcoholism. Your sanity is far more important than family ideals and traditions or personal health.
I think this might end up being the best year you’ve ever had.
NOTE: Alcohol can be exchanged for marijuana in Washington and Colorado. Hipster Jew does not promote illegal consumption of such goods in other states. *wink wink*