URGENT: Hipsters in America are starving. Will you feed them?

Hello there, faithful reader. My name is Chicky. You may know me from that incredibly successful and hip blog, hipsterjew.com.

Today I’m here to talk to you about a growing problem in this country. Did you know that while in America there are many who are overweight, we also have a growing problem of malnourishment?

Picture if you will for a moment, an urban crisis of epic proportions. As the economic depression in this country reaches new lows, our cities are facing incredible stress. No one is feeling this crunch worse than the hipsters.

Now I know you will scoff at me, but please, hear me out. I need to shed light onto this impending doomsday scenario.

Ladies and gentlemen, hipsters across the U.S. are on food stamps for the first times in their lives. Sure, you could blame them for spending enormous amounts of money on useless art degrees from prestigious universities. It is always easiest to blame the victims, so I don’t blame you. Although their parents picked up their hefty college tuition bill, these hipsters are now on their own. It’s uncool to become dependent on your parents in your mid-late-twenties.

I know some skeptics out there are wondering what they spend their food stamps on. Don’t worry. This article says they are spending it on fresh, organic salmon, grass-fed beef, and soy.

Now some of you may have seen pictures like this being spread around the internet. Please, disregard them. They are nothing more than propaganda. Hipsters are in no way spending government money on fried chicken and 40s. They are not doing this to be ironic, to mimic black American culture. Dave Chappelle once said ‘everyone wants to be black but nobody wants to BE black.” Hipsters neither want to be black nor BE black.

So before you go to sleep tonight, please remember to donate to the Hipster Hunger Fund by sending an email at the bottom. Thank you for your generous and kind support.

Sincerely,
Chicky
tips@hipsterjew.com