Someone get this Bitch a Marriage Visa

I’m having a bit of a crisis.

I love this country. In case you haven’t followed my life excessively (which I know you have) the country I am speaking of is merrie olde England.

The only problem is I am studying FILM in university. FILM. That occupation where you don’t get a job. With this stupid choice of major I will barely be able to get a job in the United States so I’m fairly confident I’m shit outta luck in the United Kingdom. This is a problem because in order to actually live in this country I need a work visa.

Or do I?

I think the safest option is a marriage visa. If we look at the number of film-related jobs compared to the number of people getting married, there is some statistic somewhere that proves my point.

So to our (non-existent) English readers, I propose this:

Are you looking for someone to clean up after you, feed you, and possibly even trim your nasty toenails? Are you terrified of actually settling down because you love the ladiez and want to have constant ladiez all the time? Are you uncomfortable with the fact I just said ladiez three timez now? Me too.

Then why not utilize me as your mail order bride? I won’t bed you because I’m that strange mix between a nice Jewish girl and a prudish WASP, but I will basically act like your mother. And also not care if you sleep around. And for an added bonus, I’ll bring my precious and  adorable puppy!

A package deal!

1/3 of all men in London are too fat to see their genitals. Do you really think you could do better than this?