Pig Theft: The Unkosherist of the Unkosher

There’s a pig thief on the loose!

“Oh no”, you rant, “why does Schlitz keep writing ridiculous and uninformative posts about pigs?

I’m sorry. It’s just this is really funny. And it’s one of the very few bad things that can happen that no one will blame on the Jews. Because, you know, we don’t consume pork. And if we do, we’re not big on boasting about it because we don’t want Bubbe to know our dirty bacon-loving secret.

In case you don’t feel like reading the article (and I get that, I mean reading is HARD) allow me to briefly paraphrase:  In “pig country” (yes, they call it pig country in the article) piggies are no longer taking part in their usual activities of going to market, dining on roast beef, staying home, and going wee wee wee all the way home. Instead, they are vanishing.

Is this the Piggie Rapture? Possibly. But most likely some pig-stealing operation kidnapped 594 little hoggies and turned them into sausage. The economy is shaky and pig prices are movin’ on up.

Don’t worry piggies, we’re just going ice-skating…

As to why the pigs have not been recovered, the sheriff of the county in Iowa had this to say:

“They all look alike,” said Curt Younker, the sheriff, who said he had only rarely heard of pig thefts in his decades on the job. “Suddenly we’re plagued with them.”

So what have we learned today? Pigs are hard to find because police chiefs are racist annnnddd its good that pork is not kosher because it is also expensive.

I think its been a good day.