PORNO PORNO PORNO

The Duckman —  03/06/2013 —  Comments

playboy israel

Young Israeli boys are now blessed with their first local Playboy (now in Hebrew!). You can read about local politics, what the cover girl likes to do on her Sundays, who the local football (or as us Angelos call is ‘soccer’) player is schtupping, and maybe they still have those weird dirty cartoons you can put up in your locker or something. I don’t know. I’ve never bought a Playboy.

Now here are a few lessons I’ve learned from people over the years who own porn:

  • Don’t hide smut under your mattress or under your bed. Too easy. Your mother probably changes your sheets. She will find it one day
  • Your sock drawer is also the wrong place. Again. Your mother probably does your laundry. If not, she likes to snoop in your room anyways.
  • If you go to a religious school, keep it with the Sefarim (Giant books of Torah and Talmud). I hear the Rabbis don’t check there for illegal things. So hide it between the pages of a Gemmara no one is going to read in 10 years.
  • Pro tip: This is also a good place to store your weed. Just make sure no one is stealing your goods.
  • If you don’t go to a religious school, hide it at your friends house. Honestly, you don’t need the embarrassment of having a smut magazine. He/She does.

Anyways, be safe and enjoy, little Israeli boys!

Dear G-d woman, I still want to HATE YOU and you’re making it incredibly, ridiculously, impossible to do so. How do you do it? Are you reading my mind? Are you Big Brother? That might not be possible.

Joanna Newsom

Recently, Joanna Newsom appeared in something yet again adorable, a hangout sesh in a closet with a lad named Mike O’ Brien who chats it out with cool famous people like Auntie Ellen DeGeneres, Jack Macbrayer, and Amy Poehler. I’m stoked.

And if it weren’t for my interested in her, I wouldn’t have thought of it. Thanks Joanna.

This Mike goy is awesome. Lil Newsom is adorable. Mazel tov, Andy. I might stop sending you threatening e-mails if she keeps this cuteness up. Maybe.

Probably not.

T Swift has taken the time to open up her big, dumb, mouth again but this time not for a song about a love interest. This time, she isn’t subtly mentioning famous men in her songs, she is instead UNSUBTLY ATTACKING THE TWO MOST FANTASTIC WOMEN on the planet.

Recently at the Golden Globes, host Tina Fey made a joke at Taylor Swift’s expense. It was hilarious. but T Swift, in classic stereotypical high school cheerleader form doesn’t have a sense of humour and responded badly. In an interview with Vanity Fair, she went as far as to quote Katie Couric saying,  “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

I know Swift is the voice of a generation and all (not mine), but what voice told her it was a good idea to insinuate in any way that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler deserve to be roasting on a special hellfire spit for being anti-women? Isn’t it clear by this point that these women are successful, strong women who have gotten where they are from helping and being helped by other women?

T Swift, I’d like you to think about something as you read this blog post, (an activity I know you must take part in before bed or you are unable to sleep). Hosts always make fun of celebrities at awards shows. Did the idea cross your golden brow that maybe you, by assuming you get special treatment because you are a woman, are being anti-woman? Or that it’s also sexist to assume that Tina and Any (as weak-willed women) would not be willing to make jokes about others?

Tina Fey Amy POhler

Beautiful and Hilarious no matter what the facial hair

I hope this  post doesn’t put me in women hell. But, let’s be honest, the young country music godde$$ clearly loves the attention of us hell wraiths. If she didn’t she wouldn’t she share important details about her personal life through song. Right?

Take a moment, and shut up, Taylor Swift. kthanksbye

Avi Avital

What a mensch Avi Avital is, the perfect man to start off out long list of SXSW 2013 – The Israelis (of course not including the HJ rappers of SXSW 2013, which you can find here.) Avi is a world renowned mandolinist. Here he is playing for NPR Tiny Desk Series. Try not to shed a tear for the old country. He’ll be playing March 13th at St David’s Bethell Hall, and is the only HJ classical musician we know about.

Betzefer

Are you into international metal music? Do you need an Israeli metal group to round out your list? Then Betzefer will solve it for you. Metal. Yeah. That’s all I’ve got, I know shit about metal.

Ester Rada

Ethiopian, Israeli and a mix of an eclectic fusion of music, coupled with a strong voice, makes Ester Rada quite the musical medley. I always say that Judaism is severely underrepresented by color, and here’s your chance to catch a very talented singer. Catch Ester at The Stage On Sixth Patio on March 16th.

Maya Isacowitz

Maya is a singer-songwriter in the mid-90s vein. Yes. She can be the Jewish Kibbutz-raised Alanis Morisette or Celine Deon or Jewel or whoever else was around in the 90s making emotional pop music. I just wanted to make an annoying ‘the Jewish ____’ comparison because it’s been a while since I’ve made one of those. But seriously, Maya Isacowitz’s voice is powerful and beautiful and her songs make me want to cry. Grrrrlll power!

Sarai Givaty

You may have seen Sarai Givaty before. On a magazine cover. Maxim. But she’s not just a hot Israeli model. She’s an Israeli actress in the show Pilot’s Wives. Oh, AND she’s a musician. Pretty much ‘the whole package’, to speak in the parlance of our times.

Rona Kenan

Rona Kenan is the third female singer/songwriter coming out of Israel. She has more of a Beatles’ folk influence to her music. The early 70s groove.



Kol Dodi w. Mika Karni

Kol Dodi is as Israeli of a band as you could imagine. All you need is to form a group full of Moroccan, Yemenite and Ethiopian Israeli Jews, and you have Kol Dodi. Prrrractically every Jewish group you can think of. Throw in Mika Karni, Shir Hashirim (song of songs) and it’s a fucking date. Catch them on March 13th @ 217 Congress Ave.

Ensemble Yaman

Ensemble Yaman is a group of Israeli musicians trying to revive and celebrate Jewish Yemenite music. Here’s a song below!

Zvuloon Dub System

“Zvuloon Dub System, Israel’s leading World-Reggae band, emerges from a multicultural middle-eastern music scene, singing in English and Amharic.”

Weed is a universal love, man. Zvuloon Dub System is for the Jewish stoners. Here’s them playing an appropriate – titled song, Going to Zion.

Hey! Your favorite High School band, The Postal Service, is back in this Funny or Die audition! This time with more Moby! Seriously though, Moby was hilarious. Add Weird Al playing We Will Become Silhouettes on the accordion. And Tom DeLonge talking about how cool he is. If this wanted to be any more like my every mix cd I have from high school, Rivers Cuomo would have been in it. Really wish Rivers Cuomo was in this. But hey, if I have any criticism of this video it’s that I could have done without Ben Gibbard. Although, he IS in the Postal Service. Hey, you can’t win ‘em all.

During a recent interview with BBC Radio for her role in the new Wizard of Oz movie – Oz the Great and Powerful, Mila Kunis encountered a nervous interviewer. So nervous, he couldn’t stop talking about himself and his friends. But Mila just went along with it and was perfect. Which is great news for me. Because one day I’m going to interview Mila Kunis (for a better website than this obviously) and I’m going to look like a jackass. But if I talk about all my imaginary friends, she would totally be cool with it. And maybe if I invite her to my stuff animal prom or a kickball game, she would come along! This was better to watch than most interviews I’ve had to sit through. Oh Mila, you’re the bestest!

sxsw-456-110812

It seems only yesterday the Beastie Boys were all that Jews had in the hip hop world. Now there’s a slew of artists – those who are outwardly Jewish, those who keep it private, and Israelis. Oh, and there’s also the nerdcore. Let’s start with returning rappers:

Schaffer the Darklord

He’s being playing SXSW forever, and we’ve talked about him in 2011 and 2012. Schaffer is the only one who is a self-described ‘rappist’. Nerdcore at its finest.

Kosha Dillz

We’ve mentioned Kosha Dillz a lot recently. For good reason. He continues to partake in SXSW year in and year out, and his latest song Hangin’ Out is another keeper. Catch him March 13th.

Soul Khan

Soul Khan returns for another year at SXSW. He’s been tearing it up in the indie hip-hop world, as his brand of conscience undergroup rap, smooth flow, and intelligent lyrics have earned him fans from all walks of life. His latest song, The Machine, can be bought (EP included) for only $4 on bandcamp. Good fucking deal. My favorite Soul Khan song, though, will always be Soul Like Khan.

Don’t miss him! Wed March 13th, same place as Kosha.

SHI 360

I wrote a while about about Israeli rapper SHI 360 for Heeb. Instead of writing anything new, go read my post here. If you’re too much of a lazy bitch, just watch his video below, Shalom Hater. I don’t think he’s talking about Hamas. (But maybe he is? Hebrew is hard sad-face.)

SHI will be playing with the Shemspeed crew, which includes Kosha Dillz. Showtimes can be found here.

holocaust_disco

Your Bubbie may be dancing disco, and you don’t even know it. The 1970s are back. And even though your Bubbie may have been 40 years old and raising your mom or dad, she’s finally going to live out her John Travolta wet dream.

Disco!

The seniors chillax on beanbag couches and immerse themselves in an interactive environment featuring black lights, a projector beaming psychedelic images on a wall, a “shower curtain” of multi-colored fiber-optic strands and an aromatherapy diffuser that makes the room smell like a trip to The Body Shop.

Seniors. ‘Chillaxing’. Black Lights. Have I died and gone to heaven?

“I feel like I’m in heaven,” said Dora Zalcberg, 89, who was just 16 in 1939 when she was snatched from her home in Bedzin, Poland, and taken to the Parschnitz concentration camp, where she was spared the gas chamber only because she was a skilled machinist.

Yup. I definitely died and went to heaven. New York has EVERYTHING.

Read more about this disco dancing Bubbies in the NYPost.

instagram-polaroid

Polaroid has given up on the mainstream market and is looking to go for the hipster / culturally aware sheep with their new Socialmatic camera. BAAAAAAHHHH. Instead of owning a smart phone, you can buy a Socialmatic and print our your own photos with select filters. BAHHHH. Specs of the camera have not been released, but it looks like you’ll be a fool to buy this it’s coming out in 2014. So you’ll have to wait a year before we make fun of anyone who buys this we get more information.

// Design Taxi

crunk

Nickname: Manischewitz Crunk
Location: Sacramento, CA
Occupation: starving artist.
But your mother always dreamed you would become: a lawyer, in true Jew fashion. She knew better than to dream of my becoming a doctor. But her wish may come true if I get my PhD in English. Don’t all Jewish mothers dream of a doctor?
Level of Jewishness / Hipsterness: 100% Jew purebred. 100% Hipster Jew. I am the poster child.

I am a WOMAN looking for a MAN

How do you take your coffee?
With coffeemate pumpkin spice creamer. Damn you seasonal flavors.

Favorite vegan dish your mother makes:
Meatloaf. Hipster Jew or no, we don’t play that game.

Oh baby, tell me what you put on your bagel.
I slowly slather a big dollop of cream cheese on my freshly toasted everything bagel, seductively smearing the white cream all over the body of the bagel, paying extra special attention to fill the hole.

When you make ‘bad decisions’, what is your drink of choice?
TEQUILA! ole.

What is the most obscure band you’ve ever seen?
You’ve never heard of them. DUH.

Anything else you’d like to add?
My mother thinks I am quite the catch.