This. Is. Not. Ok.

Those of you who follow this blog and actually read my posts may remember a former plea for citizenship in the United Kingdom of the European Union.

Well, this desire is even more real now.

Why you ask?

question cat

I’m not sure if this image makes sense. But I’m kind of obsessed with it. So there’s that.

The city of Charles Dickens and no rightaways for pedestrians is opening a cat cafe. A place where city dwellers can pay to pet cats from the Mayhew Animal Home in Kensal Green, north-west London. And if you can’t afford to pay (which I wouldn’t be able to do because alcohol is much more important) you can stay with the cats overnight for FREE.

You get to play with cats. And drink coffee. And play with cats. All at the same time.

I want to go back right now. SOMEONE MARRY ME NOW.

PLEASE.

It’s like 8 minutes until Purim and you don’t have a costume. You don’t want to dress as a slutty clown, and your Amy Winehouse costume you used for the past 5 years has 12 different puke stains on it. But don’t worry. We are here to help you figure out how to dress in a culturally relevant costume. Dead celebrities from 2012 for the win.

Adam Yauch / Beastie Boys
mca_yauch
What an awesome great way to honor Adam have a themed costume with your Entourage bro-friends. Put on some shades, hats with graffiti, some nice kicks, and run around your shul drunk, yelling FIGHT FOR MY RIGHT TO *vomit*

Neil Armstrong

Astronaut-Neil-Armstrong
You’ve always wanted to dress up as an astronaut. But your parents could never afford to love you enough to buy you those sweet-ass astronaut pj’s. Dress up as Neil Armstrong. Send your parents photos of you mooning the moon while wearing moon boots (or some shitty uggs). TAKE THAT MOM AND DAD. Also, ladies LOVE astronauts.
Donna Summer / Robin Gibb
summer_gibb
You know your parents have old disco clothes from the 70s somewhere in your attic/basement. Put the on. Because disco will never die, just like Hipsters!
Barney Bush
George W. Bush, Barney
Wanna get political by being a-political? Dress up as George W’s family pet dog, Barney! Barney saw all the action of the White House, AND he never choked on a pretzel. Extra points if you find the Wilfred costume and pretend that George W got all his policy ideas from his talking dog.

Michael Clarke Duncan*

michael_clarke_duncan
This one is a little sad, because he was such a wonderful actor. The good part is that you probably have a friend who looks like Tom Hanks (EVERYONE does), and you can go as a Green Mile duo. The best part is when you get so drunk you start crying, it’ll totally be in character. So don’t worry, and remember that what happens in prison stays in prison (or your mom’s basement).

*No idea how to make this work without blackface, but most shuls are full of racist old men so they’ll probably just laugh and call you a schvartze as they proceed to drink rubbing alcohol from the old country.

Jew on This Purim

The Duckman —  02/23/2013 —  Comments

Our good friends, Jon and Aviva, at Jew on This are back with a new video explaining the story of Purim. Or in this case, what we all would rather being doing instead of celebrating Purim: pretending to be a Christian.

jew-on-this

C’mon, we’ve all thought about being peep-eating Jesus-loving Christians at one point. Just so we could fit in. I really want to fit in. Please let me fit in.

// Heeb Magazine

miss_israel_vashti_purim

What are we doing on Purim? This holiday is supposed to be OUR Mardi Gras, man! There’s supposed to be boobs – and a shit ton of them! Instead we’re wasting away getting drunk around children. If I wanted to get drunk around children I’d show up at some little league games in the park with a 40 of Old E. We need to make Purim an adult holiday, one that can be enjoyed by men, women, and children with really really good fake IDs.

This is why I propose that every Purim, from now until the earth is destroyed in a nuclear holocaust/meteoroid armageddon, we go to the titty bars. Here me out, this is definitely sexist, but no more sexist than most Jewish interpretations of Megillah.

The story goes that Vashti was partying with her husband, the king, when he got hammered and asked Vashti to come out and parade her naked body in front of his friends, like a common whore. Vashti was all like ‘go fuck yourself’, and so she was killed. The moral of that story being that men are pigs.

Now you may be asking why this matters – and it matters because I just like to imagine that King Achashverosh was a pretty decent bro. And like most bros, he just loved his titties. Suuuuuuure he almost let Haman kill all the Jews. But did Haman succeed? No. So let’s throw the goy king a bone, and do something that he liked to do.*

Also, if Vashti had showed off her hoo-hah and her melons, she wouldn’t have been killed, Esther wouldn’t have been Queen, and all the Jews of Persia would have been murdered (if you believe the Megillah is FACT NOT FICTION). Therefore we must celebrate Vashti’s feminist ideals, being modest, by enjoying a pair of breasts that wont have the potential of causing a progrom.

Now I cannot go to the titty bars, as there are none in Vermont. Have no fears, Montreal is only a couple hours away! Here I come, poutine and poonany.

*Say what you will, Esther was not important to this sexist interpretation of Judaism.

Why am I the one who always has to ask the important religious questions?

Here’s what I know about Purim/Judaism.

1) It’s a mitzvah to have sex with your significant other on the Sabbath/holy days.

2) It’s a mitzvah to dress up and get drunk.

Therefore, it’s a mitzvah to dress up, get drunk, and role play with your lover in the bedroom, right?

Right. It is, Chicky. Because you are a genius.

adam-eve

How are you correct? Well sex toys are Kosher, as long as you ‘Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman’, or something. I think this means you’re supposed to treat the men you have sex with as equal, respectable partners, and continue to be a dick towards women.

Using the aforementioned logic, you and your lover shouldn’t dress as equals (even if you are in a LGBTQ relationship. It’s about the letter of the law, and not being practical about its interpretation, damnit!). No red and pink Power Ranger. No Mulder and Scully. Purim, like the rest of Judaism, is all about the power play dynamics. For your marital bliss, dear reader, I’ve therefore come up with a few Purim costume suggestions that could slip into the bedroom. BDSM encouraged but not required.

– ‘Naughty’ Jewish girl and the Modesty Police.
You be the dirty girl who needs to see the Modesty police for being ‘extra’ naughty.

– Mordechai and Esther
He’s the dirty uncle who doesn’t want King Achashverosh to marry you – as a virgin.

– Adam and Eve
Let’s be like adam and eve, but cover ourselves with sheets that have holes in them.

– Moses and a Jewess
I am Moses, I need you to part your legs.

– Joseph and the Angel
I’m Joseph. You be my angel. Let’s dirty wrestle. Naked

-Woman of the Wall and a Religious Rabbi
Wanna wear a Tallit? Then wear it naked, in my bed, and a halachically kosher pair, you dirty dirty not-as-religious-as-me Jew!

Purim is coming up this Sunday the 24th. And Purim kicks ass. Here is why, in the form of a countdown. Because hipsters love countdowns.

10. Groggers: Who doesn’t love cursing the name of a douche bag with noisemakers that pump up the pharmaceutical companies’ sales profits due to the headaches they produce? The point of a grogger is to drown out the name of Haman, the evil douche who tried to persecute the Persian Jews back in the day (2400 years ago). Seems like every Jewish holiday celebrates the Jews telling some anti-Semite to fuck off. But I digress. Either way, groggers are awesome.

grogger-metal-new

9. Speaking of groggers…Haman. The douche master of the Purim story. So basically he was the vizer/bitch to King Ahasuerus and was bitter because the Jews are awesome and he wasn’t. No great story can be told without a villain. And this fucker was certainly a villain. Story goes he drew lots (hence the name Purim, or, lots in Hebrew) to decide the day in which the Jews would be massacred. Joke was on him though, ’cause Esther the bad ass bitch of the story saved the day. (More on her later.)

Purim Haman2

BAHAHAAHAHAHAH I AM HAMAN AND I AM WEARING A COOKIE ON MY HEAD! Scary.

8. The “festive meal:” This obviously made the top ten because if Jews know anything, they know meals. It is a Purim custom to have a festive meal late in the afternoon. Debauchery and lots of drinking goes with said meal. Like I said, Purim is AWESOME.

purim meal

If you are afraid of clowns, perhaps Purim isn’t the Jewish holiday for you.

7. The “Purim Carnival:” Another Purim custom is to throw a carnival for all the precious Jew babies. The temple I belong to is having one this year and I.Am.Stoked. Although there won’t be celebratory wine (due to the whole Sunday school aspect) I am certainly down for a mid-morning carnival.

purim carnival

6. Hamantaschen: Oh, the traditional food of Purim. Basically, Hamantaschen are fucking delicious. Imagine a really good thick sugar cookie made in to a triangle and filled with delicious fruit. The traditional fillings are poppy seeds and prunes, but since I am not 90 years old, I tend to gravitate towards the apricot filling. And of course, in true Jew fashion, the cookies represent something. The triangular shape is said to resemble Haman’s three-cornered hat.  NOM. EVIL MAN HAT. I’ll take a dozen, please.

Apricot-Hamantaschen1

5. Charity: Again, in true Jew fashion, another Purim custom is to contribute to charitable organizations. Seems like this is a custom for most Jewish holidays, but it’s awesome, cause if us Jews are anything, we are nice. [Ed Note: Except for Bernie Madoff, Henry Kissinger, and Jack Abrahmoff, to name a few.] Sending food baskets as well as giving tzedakah (donations to charity) happen during Purim as well. I am hoping to get one because I am poor. I want it filled with hamantaschen, but beggars can’t be choosers.

purim food basket If anyone out there from my temple is reading this, I would be pretty stoked on receiving this bad ass basket of Jew goodies.

4. The Purim Spiel: This is pretty rad. The Scroll of Esther is read on Purim day, but it’s done in dramatic fashion. Much of the time Hebrew school kids act it out. It is DARLING.  Groggers are used to drown out Haman’s name. It’s raucous and fun and awesome. Not to mention that the Scroll of Esther opens with a 180 day drinking fest. Of course, they breeze over that awesome part, but imagine how awesome it would be to see a bunch of Hebrew school kids acting drunk.

HP Purim Spiel Flyer CHAGwarts! Haman Potter! THAT is clever.

3. ESTHER: Esther is a bad ass bitch. She was the niece of Mordechai, a Jewish leader, and cock blocked Haman’s plan to kill the Jews. So basically Purim is a celebration of women kicking ass and saving the Jews. FEMINISM FOR THE WIN. Plus, if you ask me, she is super hot. Double score.

esther1 Doesn’t she look like Alanis Morrisette?

2. Wine: Purim is a boozer holiday. “Merrymaking and jesting” are a huge part of the holiday, so naturally one achieves this oh-so-important aspect of Purim by downing an entire bottle of Manischewitz and partying like it is 400 BCE.  Sign me up.

mani

1. COSTUMES: YOU GET TO DRESS IN COSTUME FOR PURIM! GREATEST THING EVER! All those non-Jews out there should be incredibly jealous of this because Jews get Halloween TWICE! YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

lrg-3921-jewverine

So basically, Purim is the drunken Hebrew Halloween. KICK ASS.

Some people say it’s a mitzvah to get drunk on Purim to the point you can’t tell good from bad. Others find drinking on Purim to be a terrible idea. I say, let the people eat cake! Or in this case, drink until your heart, liver, and stomach craps out.

getting-drunk

This is going to be a heavy weekend of drinking, so my suggestion is to start slow. There is no need to rush into this. Trust me. I went on a 30+ day drinking binge once. The first week was terrible. But I lasted 40 or 50 days… I think…it all became a blur…I was drinking a lot then (and quitting is for losers). So play a drinking game where you take a shot every time they mention ‘Haman’. This includes in regular conversation, and the first half of the word ‘hamantaschen’. Maybe skip one or two, if you wanna survive the night. Trust me, you don’t want to be puking on your rabbi before the 20th time Haman is mentioned in the megillah reading -it looks bad. It also sidelines you from participating in the future Purim festivities.

Then again, have you heard the music they blast at these events? Terrible! And no one wants to spend real money can afford a good sound system so all the crappy songs sounds crappier. So maybe you should get plastered early. I mean look at this guy in the video below. Everyone else is just lounging around, looking bored. But this guy… he’s a man who wants to party.

You should also take precaution and not drive or do anything illegal. I feel like I have to tell you this because some people are bad at listening. If you can’t avoid dancing into a table, there’s a great chance you can’t avoid driving into a telephone pole.

Another piece of advice: Make sure you’re sober enough to know who you’re dancing with. Even if there is mixed dancing, you reallllly don’t know if you’re with a guy or a girl. It’s happened to me. I think it happened to a guy in this video too…

You might be saying “well he has a beard!” Trust me. It doesn’t matter.

And while we are discussing bad decisions, please don’t drunk dial an ex. Not even your ex-Rabbi. It’s a terrible idea. When you leave your car keys with someone, please leave your cellphone. You just don’t want to be THAT guy.

To end on a more positive note. Keep calm. Have fun. Drink water. And don’t be the center of attention. Because maybe at one point in the night, you’re going to be filmed wearing a cheesehead shtreimel (around the 2:30 mark). Nobody will be proud of the video evidence that will follow you around, and will be seen by every future employer, forever.

Please remember you probably have work or school on Monday, so don’t go too wild. Or go wild and send me the video. I don’t care, I’m a blogger not a cop.

J.viewz, a HJ @ SXSW 2012 participant who will be returning again in 2013, made this amazing cover song using vegetables and fruit. To say that j.viewz aka Jonathan Dagan, an Israeli-born producer, is talented would be an understatement. Here he is playing Massive Attack’s hit song Teardrops but with some Jewish voodoo magic and a bunch of fruits and vegetables. Pretty sure this guy is a dark sorcerer, which means Armageddon is coming and I should convert to Jews for Jesus before it’s too late. Or maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses would be the best way to hedge my bets? Hmmm.

SXSW 2013 is going to be amazing. So many bands with so many talented Hebros and Shebros – it’s fucking blowing my mind.

My twatter feed taught me 3 pretty valuable lessons today.

  1. Haaretz has a “This Day in Jewish History” section. That’s pretty exciting.
  2. Betty Friedan came out with the Feminine Mystique on February 19th
  3. There is no 3, but 2 valuable lessons sounds much less imposing.

On February 19, 1963 Betty Friedan published a book entitled the Feminine Mystique, a title which plays on the postwar idea that a woman’s role was in the home.  With classic lesbian zest and vigor, she sought to debunk the theory that higher education was making ladies realllll cranky-like.

Woman doing Housework

I just love making sandwiches.

This book is important to Jews because its another example of one of The People being smart and publishing books and stuff.

This book is important to Hipster Jews because lady rights are important. A lot of hipsters are ladies. A lot of hipsters like to fight gender norms. Everyone’s happy.

So mazel tov, Betty, even if it’s a little late. Thanks for being the voice of a generation. And not being Lena Dunham.

I don’t like Purim. I haven’t liked Purim since the first grade when my teacher took away my handcuffs and never gave them back. But recently I’ve learned something. While Purim in America blows, Purim in Israel is the greatest thing ever. Sure we have Purim parties in the States, but every single one is more lame than the next. And often they are filled with 40 year olds going through midlife crisis and some issues with their wives, and they are hammered. They are creeping on everyone on the dance floor. It’s a gross mess. But in Israel, everyone is hot. And everyone celebrates Purim. It’s like Halloween, but you can do the walk of shame and still feel okay because everyone is still dressed up even the next morning. It’s like Christmas, but instead of fruit cake and presents, we have hamentaschens and baskets of food.

Just look at all of these photos I found from Israel. Purim doesn’t even start until Saturday Night.
balloons

hamentaschen-purim

purim-nerd

purim-friends

purim-fireworks

purim-fairy

purim-baskets

oldman-purim

israel-purim

idf-purim

New Orleans has Mardi Gras.
New York has the Gay Pride Parade.
Boston has St. Patrick’s Day.
Israel has Purim.