Mallory Hytes Hagan

The latest Miss America, Mallory Hagan, is from Park Slope, BK. She is definitely not a hipster (originally from Alabama, so whatevs). After ignoring the sexism that exists in the Miss America pageant, I began wondering if a Hipster lady could ever win – and if so, how?

There are 2 equally unlikely scenarios for this to occur.

Scenario #1 – The Congeniality

In this scenario, a Hipster, who happens to be an FBI agent working in NYC (ironically, but is secretly super patriotic). She is super nerdy and quirky, but in a Zoey Deschanel kind of way. Also, she is a bit of a tom boy, because gender stereotypes are always funny. She joins the Miss America contest for New York while working undercover. Over the course of the competition she learns a lot about herself, and understands that maybe there is something more than sexism to the Miss America contest. Also, she is forced to shave her armpits. She gets runner up and then all the real Hipsters hate her because real Hipsters wouldn’t appear on a bullshit reality tv show, amiright?

Scenario #2 – Accidental Irony

This will never happen, but a man can dream. A young Hipster Lady enters the competition to be ironic – because beauty pageants are old fashioned and soooo sexist 1950s. Interestingly, because she is playing the ‘wild card’ and because America secretly loves tattooed alt girls, she wins her mid-western state’s competition. She goes to the national competition and actually starts to enjoy the competition, even making friends with some of the ‘vainer’ contestants. Before she realizes it, she has succumbed to legitimate acceptance of her ironic beginnings, and tries hard to win. Because she tries hard, she loses – America loves the classic under achiever (esp with tats) and the young Hipster Lady learns a valuable lesson: Never become emotionally invested in anything.

Obama Attends 35th Annual Kennedy Center Honors

I’ve compiled some conspiracy theories for Jack Lew’s nomination as yet another Jew in charge of the Treasury. Every good conspiracy theory starts on the internet – so why not start a couple Jew-hatin’ ones on this site?

In no particular order:

  • Jack Lew refuses to hand over his birth certificate. This must mean he was born in Israel. I’m not sure if that’s against the rules of being the Secretary of the Treasury, but it sure as hell means Obama was born in Kenya.
  • Yes, that also means the shekel will become our national currency.
  • Jack Lew will have a direct feed to Bernie Madoff’s bank account.
  • The Federal Reserve will be relocated to Sheldon Adelson’s and George Soros’s backyards.
  • Jack Lew hides the trillion dollar coin underneath his yarmulkes
  • Purim will be made a national holiday, and everyone will still ignore it.
  • Gene Sperling, Jeffrey Zients, and Alan Krueger are currently all involved in national budgets and the economy. They, along with Lew, meet together once a month to rig the stock market, and also to rig the National Basketball Association.
  • The dead faces on our bills and coinage will be replaced by famous Jewish politicians. Most notably: Henry Kissinger, Michael Bloomberg, Louis Brandeis, Alan Greespan, and Albert Einstein. Anthony Weiner will be on the penny, because fuck the penny. And maybe Ruth Ginsberg could be on the $1 coin because Americans hate female politicians and also fuck the $1 coin.
  • Jack Lew will close down the Treasury on Shabbos. JACK LEW DOESN’T FUCKING ROLL ON THE SABBATH

Anything else I missed?

dan_schneiderDave Schneider on the right, looking happy.

Delta fucked up. They fucked up bad. Dave Schneider, of the Leevees, Zambonis, and Macaroons (yes, those are all great and real bands), was trying to bring his 1965 Gibson ES-335 guitar with him from Buffalo to Detroit. The prized guitar was so valuable to Dave that he was even willing to buy the inanimate object a legitimate seat – which would have been better than any toddler. Instead, Delta told him to stow it below, and his $10,000 instrument ended up having $2,000 worth of damage.

Delta, being the miserable corporate whores that they are, refused to acknowledge they fucked up until Dave’s story made it into Yahoo! news and people started complaining. This, my friends, is how it works when corporate America owns our asses. Unless thousands of us complain and point out that they’re heartless cretins intent on ensuring that their CEO and executives make a profit (and if the business makes a profit too, all the better), they will ignore us.

At the end of the day it all worked out for Dave and Gibson gave him a new guitar, because they understand how PR and branding works and they now how to keep customers.

But seriously, who the fuck flies Delta anymore?

Here’s Delta’s 2013 slogan, which was just released this week:

Delta: The Greyhound Bus in the Sky. Now with less molestation.

Shiksa Israeli political ad by Shas

Many of us (read: Americans) are lead to believe that Israelis are in a constant state of fear. The fear can range from terrorism to irritable bowls. But all we know is that they are in constant fear of something and always need to be helped by the great and powerful United States. Recently the Ultra Orthodox party, Shas, decided to strike fear to anyone who cares about… Shiksas?

Because I don’t know Hebrew after 10 years of Orthodox Day School, Times of Israel was nice enough to translate what’s going on.

Groom: “Marina, what is the fax for?”
Bride: “Beytenu sent it, a wedding present.”
Groom: “How nice of him. But what the hell — a fax?”
Bride: “To receive permission.”
Groom: “Permission for what?”
Bride: “From 1-800-convert”
Groom: “1-800-convert??”
Bride: “Da, you call 1-800-convert and receive permission.”
Groom: “Wait, you are’t Jewish?”
Bride (brandishing a freshly issued “certificate of conversion”): “I am now!”

I think this is a two part-er on the scare tactics being used by Shas.

  1. Russian women will steal your nice Jewish boys. Ironically these Russian women will also be voting for Shas’s opponent Beytenu
  2. Beytenu will make everyone and anyone Jewish just so they can steal your nice Jewish boys

We have a new war in Israel. The war on Shiksas. I think we must stand up for the Shiksas right to be used as human ‘practice’ and ignore these fear tactics. Long live the Shiksa!

In all seriousness, or at least as serious as I can get, Shas is creating a fear that an elected Beytenu would accept Jews who do not live up to their standards of conversion. How high are these standards? Pretty damn high. If you’re not one of them, you’re not Jewish, which has put a strain on many converts we know trying to move to Israel. Converts who live a more Modern Orthodox lifestyle. It also puts a strain on ANYONE who tries to make aliyah. Good job guys. Looks like America isn’t the only place that uses racism and immigration to scare voters.

Assholes exist everywhere. And many of them are in politics.

Did you hear it snowed in Jerusalem??? A lot. And by a lot I mean a few inches. Which considering the circumstances is a lot. I think. I mean, I’m not a meteorologist. I have a Bachelors in Fine Arts. So why not stick to what I know so well: Instagram Filters!

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girl-in-snow

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In an effort to be more tolerant openly intolerant Super Conglomerate Wal-Mart has been selling Dress Up America brand Jew-garb. For kids.
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There are many costume varieties on sale at Dress Up America.com under the heading “Judaica.” There is the Kohen Gadol (High-Priest) costume, the Jewish Mother Rachel costume, the Jewish Mother Rivkah costume (suspiciously similar to Mother Rachel), the adorable little Sefer Torah (Torah Scroll), A Mordechai costume, King David, and of course just a good old Rebbe costume.

HOWEVER, Wal-Mart took the four most stereotypical of the costumes sold on the respectable children’s costume website and began selling them to eager underpriveleged Jewish children back-country white-trash who think it’s funny to dress their kids up as Jews for Halloween or nativity scenes.

These costumes are no different towards people of Hispanic descent get upset when sorority girls from Baylor do this:
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It is important not to forget to show you this picture:
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Because we are asking for donations to buy a boys’ size 18 for Chicky, who expressed interest in the idea of being a Grand Wizard/Rabbi from the 1800s for Halloween this year, You can send money to our paypal: info@hipsterjew.com

Just imagine Chicky being a super anorexic Jew for Halloween.

It’s finally happened. Two forces of time consuming evil are joining together to destroy everyone’s precious under-employed free time. Beer is being crafted – and inspired by – television shows. Today we’re coupling beer with popular tv. Tomorrow we’re all drinking Fast and Furious energy drinks. In a decade we’ll be smoking Breaking Bad Meth in between hitting our women with bottles of Mad Men scotch.

It started with Game of Thrones beer. Innocent enough, when you ignore all the murder incest and rape that occurs throughout that show. They promised a series of beers inspired by Game of Thrones, beginning with a Blonde Ale called Iron Throne. Har har har. Will I drink it on the season 3 premiere, March 21st? If I can get my hands on it.

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The bastards at HBO know their marketing.

‘Fine’, you might think. ‘One series of beers wont rule them all. Game of Thrones is a wonderful, relevant show and this is just a marketing campaign at its finest. We have nothing to worry about.’

Nothing to worry about?

What if I told you there was a Dayman coffee IPA that will be released later this year. Yes. Dayman from Always Sunny. In collaboration with Stone Brewery. And Aleman Brewery.  And Two Brothers Brewery. And probably The Duckman’s home brewery but he hasn’t told me yet because he’s a dick and terrible at communicating and I’m always the last one to know everything.

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But that’s only the beginning. TV shows from the past, present, future, along with artisan craft foods and alcohol will blend together into one big consumable, earth-destroying mind-numbing never-ending hors d’oeuvre. Did I just watch an episode of Beverly Hills 90210? Or did I just drink that episode? And was Mickey Rourke a wrestler on that episode? Was he a wrestler from the year 2099? And did he wrestle prehistoric Superman?

SEE? SEE WHAT THIS IMPISH INTERCOURSE IS DOING TO OUR SOCIETY?!?!

It’s raining in Israel… a lot… so why not go tubing down a flooded highway? I bet it’s more safe than driving in Israel during a rain storm! Israel, you’re drunk. And wet. Get a hold of yourself.

We all like to complain about hipsters. Other hipsters excel at complaining about hipsters. Although it’s the most ironic kind of hipster bitching (and therefore also the most hip and funniest), middle aged and old people complaining about hipsters is more genuine and heartfelt. These people nurture true hatred inside of them for the liberal arts slackers they see all around them.  And if you’ve lived in a neighborhood for a good twenty years before the hipsters showed up? Well, that’s a unique kind of bile that probably causes ulcers.

So what do you do when you bitch and moan about hipsters for year with no results? Call the cops, of course. Hipsters squat, start unregulated businesses, tag and graffiti anything and everything, and party until six A.M. Monday morning  (because Friday night is like, so overdone). Some of them don’t even fill out their census! All of these are something the cops can arrest for. Looks like you could lock up all of Williamsburg.

Though maybe you shouldn’t call the police 403 times. And maybe your 9-1-1 calls shouldn’t be phony. And maybe you should chill out, gramps.

KmFsZ

“911. What is your emergency?” “Help! These hipsters are busking in the middle of the street!”

This guy is nothing if not persistent. I can applaud this stubbornness as the mark of a true redblooded American, which is so old that it’s like, beyond kitsch and loops into something resembling the postmodern. Or maybe I’m too drunk at eleven A.M. to process how pissed this guy is at hipsters living in his neighborhood. It’s been happening for years now. Dude should have moved or at least built up a tolerance.

In Chicago, Wicker Park is crammed full of hipsters. Bucktown next door is crammed full of hipsters. They’ve started spilling over into Logan Square, traditionally a Mexican neighborhood. You know why no one does this in Logan Square? Hustle. Opportunity. The taquerias are now open 24/7. The liquor stores burn through pallets of PBR in a night. There’s a guy that has a hand cart selling Mexican candy on my street who stays there all day because once the kids go to bed, the hipsters come out and Snickers are passe.

What this guy needs is to decompress and sell something that hipsters are willing to buy in spades. They’re not going anywhere. He can’t call the cops anymore (not like it ever worked out for him, anyway).  He should homebrew or sell fixie bikes or some shit.

Bonus points: check out this quote from the article, near the bottom.

“At least one of his younger neighbors, a 28-year-old who lives on Bedford and North 8th Street, feels sympathy for him: ‘I mean, he’s been there his whole life…and this shit just starts happening all around him,’ he told us. ‘I’ve always felt bad for the older residents of this area.’”

But not bad enough to move, apparently. Or to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Or to realize that your indie folk band sucks and that you should probably stop rehearsing, since you sound like a copy of a copy of a copy of a terrible Arcade Fire cover band. Fucking hipsters. Makes me sick.

Did you catch yesterday’s The View or Good Morning America? Of course you didn’t! So here is what you missed: Barbara Walters in some giant funky leopard print glasses. She probably just bought them vintage. They probably cost like $5 from a booth in Chinatown. werk it girl!

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