This bitch. Does. Not. Quit… Except for the space of about 10 years when she disappeared from the public eye. But Danielle Fishel is back, on the cover of Maxim and promoting her new DISNEY CHANNEL series…in Maxim.
I already wrote this blog about two months ago, so I’m really just hammering home the point that D. Fish has huge bazongas.
Also, like, really great calves LOL
This post was straight jacked from Gawker where one commenter astutely stated “Call me when she’s in Hustler. I’m going back to bed.” Well put, Gawker commenter.
Hey Beavis and Butthead! I heard you turned 20 this past week. It sucks you two still can’t legally buy alcohol. You also probably haven’t scored yet. But luckily you got the internet! As for you, Mike Judge, buy all the booze you want. You deserve it! Keep making fun of everything and anything.
For the nerds out there: Sure, Frog Baseball was made in September of 1992. But Beavis and Butthead officially aired on MTV on March 8th 1993. And that’s all that matters.
I’m a little slow on the late night game, but on Wednesday Ian Edwards was on Conan to do a little bit of stand up. Tonight’s topic? The relationships of Jews and Blacks. This is another case where it’s funny because it’s all true. It almost makes you wonder how non Jews would react if they ever went on Birthright.
Let’s not forget that SXSW is not just about wonderful indie bands, lots of drunk people and hipster dudes and ladies. It’s also about the local Texas musicians – the ones who deserve the spotlight at SXSW, the ones who allows so many guests into their home. Presenting SXSW 2013 – Texas Locals.
Since Sarah Jaffe performed at SXSW 2012, she has performed on Kimmel Live. Still just a bitchin’ babe.
Jess Klein is a folksy singer-songwriter, originally from Rochester but now livin’ and lovin’ in Texas. She’s been playing for 10 years, has performed around the world, and has been to several previous SXSW showcases.
Catch her twice: March 12th 7:30 p.m. at the Hyatt Regency with the full band, and March 16th 1 a.m. at the Hilton Garden Inn.
We fucking love Jeff Klein and My Jerusalem. Don’t believe us? Check out all the posts we’ve written about them in the past couple years. They’ve played SXSW 3 out of 4 of the past years. They came out with a new album that we gave 4.5 Halls out of 5 Oates. Jeff Klein is the type of man that your mother could love but who you could still get too many whiskeys with.
You have 3 chances to see My Jerusalem, and they’re the type of band that you better see before they’re in SPIN or Pitchfork or whatever magazine is ‘hip’ these days:
10pm at Maggie Maes (Modern Outsider Management)
11pm at Hickory St (The End Records)
9am at the Four Seasons (KUTX/NPR Live from Four Seasons Ballroom)
IF there is only one band you see because of these posts, make it My Jersusalem.
Little New England, rich in liberals, somewhat heavy on the Jews. The perfect place to find some HJs @ SXSW. While many this year hail from Israel or NYC, let’s not forgot those little states in the northwest corner of the country. I happen to live in one New England state and was born in another, so these bands make me extra happy. Presenting SXSW 2013 – The New England Contingent:
David Wax Museum
David Wax Museum has musical roots in Mexico, the group hails from Boston, MA. They played SXSW 2011, and they’ve toured with the Avett Brothers and around the world. They’ve played PBS, NPR, and are comprised of David Wax, Suz Slezak, & Greg Glassman. Their fusion of Mexican folk and Americana pretty much make them NPR’s ‘next big thing’. And I can see why. Their song ‘Harder Before it Gets Easier’ is divine.
You have 3 chances to catch them: March 15 @ 2:30 p.m. at The Tap Room at Six, March 16th at noon at The Broken Spoke, and March 16/17th at 1 a.m. at the Victorian Room in the Driskill Hotel. If you don’t make it to one of these three shows, you are probably a hater of music.
Chris Cohen is a transplant from LA to Vermont. This is odd, mainly because most of the Jews up here in Vermont hail from Massachusetts, NYC, or somewhere in the Jerz. So it’s nice to see some more white people in this state. Chris Cohen is an incredibly talented musician with an incredibly long resume. His music contribution includes, as he states on his site: “The Curtains, Cryptacize, Deerhoof, and Natural Dreamers, he released 10 full-length albums between 2002 and 2008. Along the way, Cohen was also a touring player with White Magic, Cass McCombs, Haunted Graffiti and Danielson”. Cohen has done everything, and is now a man of solo musical means.
Below is Cohen’s delightful song ‘Monad’. He’s play March 14th at the Flatstock 38 Stage at 4pm, and the Urban Outfitter’s backlot March 16th, and The Parish also the 16th.
Their newest song is ‘Flying Mountain’, and it’s another pop ballad to add to your iPhone rotation. You have four chances to catch them in Austin this year: March 9th at Rusty’s, March 14th at Hyde Park Bar & Grill at 5:00ish, March 15th at Shakespeare’s Austin, or also March 14th, TenOak at 7pm. Find the rest of their tour here.
Roz Raskin and the Rice Cakes
We’re big fans of Roz Raskin and the Rice Cakes, and not just because we went to high school with Roz in Rhode Island. They’re a very talented trio, headed by Roz, a tattooed sexy-voiced Shebrew vixen.
They’re playing March 15th @ The Vortex Theater, and probably a couple secret shows because that’s just how they roll.
new two year old study out of the Public Religion Research Institute shows that Jews overwhelmingly support the legalization of same-sex marriages. Not only that, but Jews strongly support the legalization of same-sex marriages more than any other religious or unaffiliated group. It’s a proud day for the Jews!
Being a hipster Jew with a sick and dark sense of humor, Passover means only one thing: PLAGUES! The plagues kicks ass. I have big plans this year to make a plague wreath for my front door–a trip to the Dollar Store is in order to find something that resembles boils.
(Quick review, in case you were too in to your indie bands to remember all ten plagues: blood, frogs, lice, wild animals, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, death of the first born.)
Well hipsters, hold on to your scarves: right in time for Passover, news outlets have been reporting swarms of locusts in Egypt destroying crops. IT IS COMING TRUE! G-d must be pissed. And apparently citizens have been burning tires in an attempt to deter the nasty pests from attacking crops. Well, hipster Jew friends, there is another plague: the tire smoke has been creating darkness! Let us explore some modern ways in which G-d has been attacking the world with the other plagues.
Blood: Well, this is easy. Just keep dumping nasty pollution shit in to bodies of water and before you know it fish will start stinking up the water and turn the water a nasty blood red. “You brought this one on yourselves, assholes,” snickers G-d from upon high.
I love the look on Lego Pharoah’s face. It’s like someone let out a nasty fart.
Frogs: I don’t know. For some reason a plague of frogs doesn’t sound all that bad. Unless they are those crazy poisonous frogs. I mean, if we got really lucky and the frogs were those ones that you lick and they got you high, I don’t see them as a terrible thing. So, bring it on.
Lice: I’ve worked many years in schools. The lice plague is alive and well and living in your second grade neighbor’s hair. Having thin hair my entire life has saved me from experiencing this plague, but my sister had lice growing up. Twice. Heh.
Wild animals: G-d made animals go bat shit cray-cray on humans and other animals. This plague too is alive and well, as I experience it all the time. I have three cats and let me tell you…those fuckers are mentally insane. Granted, they don’t kill me, but they certainly have drawn blood, proving that if I owned a lion I would surely be dead. Domesticated cats are G-d’s modern bat shit crazy wild animal plague. I’ve got the scars to prove it.
Pestilence: Mad cow disease, anyone? Bird flu? Swine flu? Goat flu? Lion flu? German Shepherd flu? (I made those last three up…but goat flu sounds like something that could exist, no?)
Not going to protect you from a G-d created plague, people.
Boils: This one is easy. Once a month I develop boils on my face. I also produce a river of blood…but I digress.
Hail: Two words (names, really:) Sandy and Katrina.
Hail could kill a bitch.
Locusts: DONE. Thanks G-d…this one would have been hard to come up with.
Nice shorts, bud.
Darkness: done! Thanks tires!
The four horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Death of the first born: All you hipster shikshas and goys better watch your back. As I have shown, the ten plagues are alive and well. Gun control? More like plague control. Better paint your door post with lamb’s blood and hope that the world doesn’t go to shit as quick as it has been lately.
Why don’t we talk about the biggest indie bands today? Some of you ‘mainstreamers’ may need a reason to appreciate SXSW for what it is. So here are SXSW 2013 – The Main Acts:
Do you know WHY?? If you don’t then you should drop out of college and/or go back to college. You motherfucker. Hailing from Cincinnati, Ohio, WHY? is comprised of Doug McDiarmid and the Wolf brothers, Yoni and Josiah. Their infectious indie pop tunes, along with their talking lyrics/rap have made them a hit in the indie world.
No idea when they’re playing, but if you find out, spread the word!
Anyone reading this site will know that Hipsters, even the ones who write and read this website, are split in the love/hate war about Vampire Weekend. If you don’t know Vampire Weekend, you may know their HJ lead singer, Ezra Koenig.
Here’s Vampire Weekend’s very famous song, A-Punk. Love ’em or hate ’em they aren’t going anywhere. They’re be playing tracks off their new album Modern Vampires of the City. Judge them in real time at Stubbs on March 16th.
Who the fuck is Simon Rex will be a common utterance, if you were not watching tv in the 90s, or shitty comedies in the 200s, you may have missed him. He was on Felicity. He was a video DJ for MTV. He showed off his wang in some masturbation porn in the early 90s. And he was Eminem’s spoof character in the Scary Movie franchise. And now he’s playing some music at SXSW as rapper Dirt Nasty. I guess you could call him a rapper. I’d prefer to call him…a…master of the arts.
In the 1500s, during the Spanish Inquisition, the inquisitors used to throw giant carnivals where they would go through the crows offering some tasty form of pork. If you didn’t accept the pork you were labeled as a Jewish or Muslim (too bad for you if you just weren’t hungry) and were carted off to the torture chambers. There, you were supposed to start doing the Catholic thing or die. Or be eaten by vampires, which is what happens in True Blood.
These days, Spain is offering something else to Jews: citizenship. A return to good old mother Spain for those Sephardim who were expelled during the Inquisition. Take that King Ferdinand!
Interestingly enough, back in the dizz-ay when the Jews were getting kicked out, the Turkish sultan was like “Yo, Ferdy, thanks for the acquisition of Jooz and the economic boost that comes with it.” And it happened; Spain’s economy fell apart while Turkey’s was enriched. These days, Modern-day Spain with it’s failing economy decided it was time to get that money booster back.
Jews being useful. For money. It’s like our people are made to be the punchline in moderately offensive jokes that it’s only OK when we say.
For your viewing pleasure:
Young Israeli boys are now blessed with their first local Playboy (now in Hebrew!). You can read about local politics, what the cover girl likes to do on her Sundays, who the local football (or as us Angelos call is ‘soccer’) player is schtupping, and maybe they still have those weird dirty cartoons you can put up in your locker or something. I don’t know. I’ve never bought a Playboy.
Now here are a few lessons I’ve learned from people over the years who own porn:
- Don’t hide smut under your mattress or under your bed. Too easy. Your mother probably changes your sheets. She will find it one day
- Your sock drawer is also the wrong place. Again. Your mother probably does your laundry. If not, she likes to snoop in your room anyways.
- If you go to a religious school, keep it with the Sefarim (Giant books of Torah and Talmud). I hear the Rabbis don’t check there for illegal things. So hide it between the pages of a Gemmara no one is going to read in 10 years.
- Pro tip: This is also a good place to store your weed. Just make sure no one is stealing your goods.
- If you don’t go to a religious school, hide it at your friends house. Honestly, you don’t need the embarrassment of having a smut magazine. He/She does.
Anyways, be safe and enjoy, little Israeli boys!