Being a hipster Jew with a sick and dark sense of humor, Passover means only one thing: PLAGUES! The plagues kicks ass. I have big plans this year to make a plague wreath for my front door–a trip to the Dollar Store is in order to find something that resembles boils.
(Quick review, in case you were too in to your indie bands to remember all ten plagues: blood, frogs, lice, wild animals, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, death of the first born.)
Well hipsters, hold on to your scarves: right in time for Passover, news outlets have been reporting swarms of locusts in Egypt destroying crops. IT IS COMING TRUE! G-d must be pissed. And apparently citizens have been burning tires in an attempt to deter the nasty pests from attacking crops. Well, hipster Jew friends, there is another plague: the tire smoke has been creating darkness! Let us explore some modern ways in which G-d has been attacking the world with the other plagues.
Blood: Well, this is easy. Just keep dumping nasty pollution shit in to bodies of water and before you know it fish will start stinking up the water and turn the water a nasty blood red. “You brought this one on yourselves, assholes,” snickers G-d from upon high.
I love the look on Lego Pharoah’s face. It’s like someone let out a nasty fart.
Frogs: I don’t know. For some reason a plague of frogs doesn’t sound all that bad. Unless they are those crazy poisonous frogs. I mean, if we got really lucky and the frogs were those ones that you lick and they got you high, I don’t see them as a terrible thing. So, bring it on.
Lice: I’ve worked many years in schools. The lice plague is alive and well and living in your second grade neighbor’s hair. Having thin hair my entire life has saved me from experiencing this plague, but my sister had lice growing up. Twice. Heh.
KELLY! (For the record, this is the worst South Park episode, tied with the Korn Halloween episode.)
Wild animals: G-d made animals go bat shit cray-cray on humans and other animals. This plague too is alive and well, as I experience it all the time. I have three cats and let me tell you…those fuckers are mentally insane. Granted, they don’t kill me, but they certainly have drawn blood, proving that if I owned a lion I would surely be dead. Domesticated cats are G-d’s modern bat shit crazy wild animal plague. I’ve got the scars to prove it.
My gorgeous Jezebel and I. Look at those eyes! She will kill a bitch without thinking twice about it and then take a huge shit in a newly scooped litter box. I LOVE HER.
Pestilence: Mad cow disease, anyone? Bird flu? Swine flu? Goat flu? Lion flu? German Shepherd flu? (I made those last three up…but goat flu sounds like something that could exist, no?)
Not going to protect you from a G-d created plague, people.
Boils: This one is easy. Once a month I develop boils on my face. I also produce a river of blood…but I digress.
Is there anyone more deserving of a plague?
Hail: Two words (names, really:) Sandy and Katrina.
Hail could kill a bitch.
Locusts: DONE. Thanks G-d…this one would have been hard to come up with.
Nice shorts, bud.
Darkness: done! Thanks tires!
The four horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Death of the first born: All you hipster shikshas and goys better watch your back. As I have shown, the ten plagues are alive and well. Gun control? More like plague control. Better paint your door post with lamb’s blood and hope that the world doesn’t go to shit as quick as it has been lately.