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Jews. Always getting around loopholes and loving pop culture. This is why you shouldn’t be surprised that a man named Avi Solomon just patented the X-Wing Fighter.

Okay. It’s a hypothetical patent. So it doesn’t exist and no one is trying to make X-Wing Fighters (yet). ALso, if you’re part of a rebel group, I don’t think you’d care to patent anything. You’re trying to survive, damnit.

Now let us pretend that it is the year 2457 and the country Israel sends out their patented X-Wings to save the human species from some awful God-hatin’ gay-lovin’ alien space-Nazis. All because of Avi Solomon.

That’s your nerd fantasy for the day.

//BoingBoing

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Huffington Post, the liberal version of a group of assholes yelling at each other for pageviews on the internet, had something to say about beers. In this case, that Vermont is produced the best beer in the country in 2012 – and all from one new brewery – Hill Farmstead. According to Ratebeers.com, Hill Farmstead takes 8 out of the top 10 rated beers. BOOM goes the dynamite!

In conclusion, you’re beer is weak and shitty, unless you’re living near me in Vermont. The fucking Sweden of America. And now the Bavaria of America.

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The best new beer in the country. Ann.

Here’s the commercial of the Flaming Lips at the Superbowl. They sold out. But it’s okay, because no one cares and no one knows what ‘selling out’ really means. Horay for apathy!

Most importantly most of the 100 million+ people watching the Superbowl didn’t even know who they were.

All I learned from the Superbowl this year is that I should get into advertising and make better commercials, or just watch Superbowl commercials from 2002 and pitch some ideas to a media conglomerate because god were all the commercials awful or what?

Did you already forget what car company was shilling? Don’t worry. If you go to their website you can get a free download of this Flaming Lips track.

“Hyundai really understands and appreciates what the Flaming Lips are all about,” says Lori Feldman, Warner Bros. Records senior VP of brand partnerships.

Corporations are people after all. And corporations love the Flaming Lips.

//billboard.com

Zosia Mamet, of “Girls” fame, recently appeared on Jimmy Fallon with a very big hole in her dress.
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In the clip, Mamet (whose father is David Mamet) complains about how being 25 is difficult and how she’s trying to “figure it all out”. This is funny for me because figuring it all out consists of me bar tending until my feet want to fall off while barely making rent, all the while dreaming of a fledgling acting career. Zosia Mamet’s version of “figuring it all out” is acting in an Emmy-winning show with an Oscar-winning director.

Apparently, when she told her father she wanted to skip out on college to pursue acting, he was relieved and enthusiastic. When I casually mentioned maybe not going to college to pursue weed-smoking and concert-going, my father started crying and laughing at the same time, but in a bad way.

Also, god damned Zosia Mamet’s ‘girls’.

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As many of you know, Bar Refaeli was in a Go Daddy commercial. Most web people have lists of the best and worst hosting companies. Most lists put 1and1.com and Go Daddy at 99 and 100. (ed. note: We currently run our site with 1and1.com and would love for someone to come and save us). In this specific commercial, she made out with a chubby, Jewfro wearing, nerdy guy. I am disgusted. Partially for the fact that it wasn’t me. But mostly because Go Daddy sucks. How could you sell yourself to the lowest common denominator in web hosting? Is that why you made out with a guy that doesn’t look like Leonardo DeCaprio?

Okay. But lets talk about this guy. Who is he? Where did he come from? And why does he look familiar (other than the fact we all went to hebrew school with him). The lucky guy that got to make out with Bar Refaeli… most likely in multiple takes… He has pretty much been in every movie and tv show you’ve ever watched in the past 10 years. Don’t believe me?

This guy has been slowly taking over the entertainment industry and this is the first time you’ve ever heard of him? Well his name is Jesse Heiman and he has a youtube channel.

Congrats on your big break, man!

Ladies,

I have a lady tip for you.  For the ladies. A lady tip. I can’t stress enough how funny I think the term “lady tip” is.

Don’t sleep alone.

I know this is the opposite ideal of being a strong independent woman. But whatever. Strong independent women wake up shivering or drowning in their own vomit. Or something like that.

I’m not saying you need a significant other. That would be silly.  Boys are icky and girls only like boring stuff like baby dolls and Easy Bake Ovens.

Those were the days.

But get a dog. Or a cat. Or a snake… I’m pretty sure boa constrictors are into cuddling.

If you’re allergic to animals, are unlovable, or you hate adorable puppies and kittens (conveniently making you unlovable), get yourself a stuffed animal. I would suggest a pillow pet. Stick it on your feet or give it a nice little spoon and snuggle.

You will never sleep the same again. Trust me.

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In a Huffpo blog post, former NBA super star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar explains why the HBO hit Girls is so important to the 50+ male crowd that criticizes Lena Dunham’s work. While Lena and myself dismiss these old men as people who just don’t *understand,* Kareem points out that the largest group of viewers watching the show happens to be 50+ year old guys who want to learn more about the girls in their 20′s. Gross. Really gross. Like, I know you’re watching this show so you can hit on girls at the bar gross.

So what are these creepy guys learning about white girls?

Their world is mostly white.
This is soo true. You don’t have to spend money on premium channels to figure this out. Just pick 10 of your white female friends on Facebook and look through their photos (if you’re going to be a creep, you might as well be looking at girls photos on Facebook, and keep the creepy close to home). How many people of color are there? Two for every 100 photos? Yeah…

They like to talk about (and sometimes engage in) sex.
Duh.

They’re too self-conscious, too cutesy, and not that funny.
Again, this is all really obvious. Although, I’m happy someone else finds most girls in their 20′s to be not that funny. You’re cute, just run with that.

The guys are more interesting than the girls.
As is true in life. Girls are filled with boring drama about nothing. Absolutely nothing. While guys go out and do shit. Unless you’re into boring girl drama.

That’s not to say that women can’t be interesting – but that’s the point. To be a woman you need to live life and grow a little as a person. To be a girl…you just need the right parts.

Thanks retired basketball star most notably in the movie Airplane!. You’ve explained a cultural phenomenon in a way that only a creepy old man could.

Yo La Tengo’s latest video, “I’ll Be Around” is a beautiful song off of their new album “Fade”. Just killing it for almost 30 years. Jesus. That’s longer than I and I assume most of our readers have been alive for. Everyone in Yo La Tengo has, and will, accomplish more than you ever will. But not me. No Siree. I own a blog.

Find more songs off the new album on their website, here.

With the Super Bowl a few days away, it’s about time we start presenting the most mainstream televised event of the year. Everyone will be watching it. The jocks will. Your mom will. You will, even if you pretend not to care to keep up appearances you fucking hoopster. You don’t have a TV but you’ll find a friend who does, you mooching bastard.

This year the comedic superstars Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, and Bob Odenkirk are in a Samsung commercial teaser.. I’m sure it’s because they got paid a shit ton to ‘act’ in it. I’ve seen those three in so many different visual mediums that I expect to see them in my bathroom mirror if I say their name 3 times backwards.

PS Anyone else notice how old (and manly sexy) Seth Rogen is looking? Hubbuh hubbuh.

//popwatch

coachella-hipster

If you’re going to Coachella this year, you might want to look over this calculator before posting all your photos to Instagram. Your friends will be judging you on which shows you choose to go to and which ones you pass to drop acid. If I was dumb enough to go, I would see a lot of small shows and balance it out with a few of big shows so I don’t look like a complete hipster asshole. But that’s just me.

Anyone want to go to Brochella with me? I’m buying.