Purim is coming up this Sunday the 24th. And Purim kicks ass. Here is why, in the form of a countdown. Because hipsters love countdowns.
10. Groggers: Who doesn’t love cursing the name of a douche bag with noisemakers that pump up the pharmaceutical companies’ sales profits due to the headaches they produce? The point of a grogger is to drown out the name of Haman, the evil douche who tried to persecute the Persian Jews back in the day (2400 years ago). Seems like every Jewish holiday celebrates the Jews telling some anti-Semite to fuck off. But I digress. Either way, groggers are awesome.
9. Speaking of groggers…Haman. The douche master of the Purim story. So basically he was the vizer/bitch to King Ahasuerus and was bitter because the Jews are awesome and he wasn’t. No great story can be told without a villain. And this fucker was certainly a villain. Story goes he drew lots (hence the name Purim, or, lots in Hebrew) to decide the day in which the Jews would be massacred. Joke was on him though, ’cause Esther the bad ass bitch of the story saved the day. (More on her later.)
BAHAHAAHAHAHAH I AM HAMAN AND I AM WEARING A COOKIE ON MY HEAD! Scary.
8. The “festive meal:” This obviously made the top ten because if Jews know anything, they know meals. It is a Purim custom to have a festive meal late in the afternoon. Debauchery and lots of drinking goes with said meal. Like I said, Purim is AWESOME.
If you are afraid of clowns, perhaps Purim isn’t the Jewish holiday for you.
7. The “Purim Carnival:” Another Purim custom is to throw a carnival for all the precious Jew babies. The temple I belong to is having one this year and I.Am.Stoked. Although there won’t be celebratory wine (due to the whole Sunday school aspect) I am certainly down for a mid-morning carnival.
6. Hamantaschen: Oh, the traditional food of Purim. Basically, Hamantaschen are fucking delicious. Imagine a really good thick sugar cookie made in to a triangle and filled with delicious fruit. The traditional fillings are poppy seeds and prunes, but since I am not 90 years old, I tend to gravitate towards the apricot filling. And of course, in true Jew fashion, the cookies represent something. The triangular shape is said to resemble Haman’s three-cornered hat. NOM. EVIL MAN HAT. I’ll take a dozen, please.
5. Charity: Again, in true Jew fashion, another Purim custom is to contribute to charitable organizations. Seems like this is a custom for most Jewish holidays, but it’s awesome, cause if us Jews are anything, we are nice. [Ed Note: Except for Bernie Madoff, Henry Kissinger, and Jack Abrahmoff, to name a few.] Sending food baskets as well as giving tzedakah (donations to charity) happen during Purim as well. I am hoping to get one because I am poor. I want it filled with hamantaschen, but beggars can’t be choosers.
If anyone out there from my temple is reading this, I would be pretty stoked on receiving this bad ass basket of Jew goodies.
4. The Purim Spiel: This is pretty rad. The Scroll of Esther is read on Purim day, but it’s done in dramatic fashion. Much of the time Hebrew school kids act it out. It is DARLING. Groggers are used to drown out Haman’s name. It’s raucous and fun and awesome. Not to mention that the Scroll of Esther opens with a 180 day drinking fest. Of course, they breeze over that awesome part, but imagine how awesome it would be to see a bunch of Hebrew school kids acting drunk.
CHAGwarts! Haman Potter! THAT is clever.
3. ESTHER: Esther is a bad ass bitch. She was the niece of Mordechai, a Jewish leader, and cock blocked Haman’s plan to kill the Jews. So basically Purim is a celebration of women kicking ass and saving the Jews. FEMINISM FOR THE WIN. Plus, if you ask me, she is super hot. Double score.
Doesn’t she look like Alanis Morrisette?
2. Wine: Purim is a boozer holiday. “Merrymaking and jesting” are a huge part of the holiday, so naturally one achieves this oh-so-important aspect of Purim by downing an entire bottle of Manischewitz and partying like it is 400 BCE. Sign me up.
1. COSTUMES: YOU GET TO DRESS IN COSTUME FOR PURIM! GREATEST THING EVER! All those non-Jews out there should be incredibly jealous of this because Jews get Halloween TWICE! YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
So basically, Purim is the drunken Hebrew Halloween. KICK ASS.