Today would be the first day of the 2012-13 NHL season. Instead of enjoying hockey, we must endure part 2 of the 2004-05 lockout. And as we all know, the second act is usually shittier than the first (I’m looking at you Slap Shot 2). Many people are giving up on the sport. ESPN has even started playing Russian hockey games just to mock the NHL. So let’s play the game we love to play here at Hipster Jew: Who do I blame?
There is only one answer for this: Blame Jews. Don’t blame THE Jews. Just blame Jews. Specifically Gary Bettman, Jeremy Jacobs, and Mathieu Schneider. Well, not really Mathieu Schneider, but I feel like we have to blame someone on the NHLPA (Players Union) side of this.
Gary Bettman – The man that everyone hates. He looks like Mr. Burns, he acts like Mr. Burns, he might very well be Mr. Burns. No one likes him. But no one likes any commissioner of any sport. Why? Probably because no one really knows what they do. He works for the owners. He does whatever the owners want. And what the owners want is more money. Whether that be through relocation fees or fucking over the NHL players. He does the bidding of richer men. And really, what is this lockout all about? Money.
Jeremy Jacobs – Another man who looks and acts like Mr. Burns. Jacobs, the owner of the Bruins and Chairman of the NHL Board of Governors, has a lot of power. So much power he’s probably the person nickling and diming the fans out of hockey. Hell, prior to the Cap (which was designed by Jacobs for Jacobs) Jacobs was known as one of the cheapest men in sports. Living true to his Jewish and Mr. Burns stereotypes.
Mathieu Schneider – It’s really not his fault that this is happening. The plans for a second lockout were already set in motion during the first lockout, in which Mathieu was still playing hockey. So he isn’t to blame for anything. Also he doesn’t have too much power in the NHLPA. He’s there more for player safety. That being said, I’m just saying he could lie down and take it in the butt from Bettman and Jacobs’ lawyers.
… I’m so sad and alone