Marriage? Hipsters don’t need no stinkin’ marriage.

Also, do you want to hold more sweaty dude hands than former President Bush at a gay Saudi Arabian Prince’s house?

Marriage is an outdated institution. Yes, it is still considered a sacred institution – although when you look at the facts you have to wonder if the 21^st century will care for matrimony. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Who knows how many marriages involve infidelity from one or both partners? Let’s be honest here: marriage is as outdated as Walkmen or Handlebar Mustaches. Not convinced? Let me give you a few more reasons to treat marriage as a sham and live your life free of legal marital obligations. Your liberal pot-smoking unmarried uncle will approve.

Gay Marriage:

Do you like gay people? Then you shouldn’t get married until they’re also able to get married. Is that really fair for you, a breeder, to lord your breediness and marriag-ility over your non-breeding, non-relationally government-sactioned gay friends? That kind of makes you look like an insensitive jerk. So show support, and if the day ever comes when the government gives a big thumb up to gay marriage, then you can take the bullet. Until then, hide behind supposed higher progressive morals of solidarity, and feel good about your non-committal!

Do you dislike gay people? Think they shouldn’t get married? Then get angry that those crazy liberal states in New England and the mid West that have allowed gay people to get married. Complain about how they’ve ruined the ‘sanctity’ of marriage. Then cheat on your wife/husband to prove the point that marriage is a big sham of an institution and is only as strong as the people involved. See? Being opposed to marriage and fearful of love and devotion crosses political ideology AND bigotry.

The Cost of Marriage:

You can’t afford to get married. Not in this economy. Not in any economy. And your parents are going to want to invite everyone to your wedding: Your exes (to rub it in their faces), your dad’s business partners who always looked at you a little too long and made those uncomfortable comments about how you’ve finally developed into a ‘beautiful young _____’, your estranged great Aunt Dolorous whose dementias causes her to undress at inopportune times. You don’t need that. You don’t need to see them. Holidays are long enough. So don’t get married. But tell everyone you are going to get married, that is going to be a small private affair, but they can send checks via money order to an undisclosed bank account on in an island in the Caymans. Once the money goes through, you have a couple options.

1) Leave your significant other and spend the money on yourself, you selfish bastard. This is obviously the best option. You con supposed loved ones, make off like a bandit, and get a nice long vacation for your troubles. It’s not even like you really liked your partner, you only stayed with them because you didn’t want your parents to complain about your ‘alternative lifestyle’ choices and how that job as a barista is not a ‘real’ job.

2) Stay together with your partner and spend the money on a joint business venture. You’ve always wanted to quit your job and become a fashion boutique designer. You could spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding so that everyone knows your parents are wealthy, or atleast pretend to be wealthy. OR you could spend the money on your dream. YOUR DREAM. THE ONE YOU’VE HAD SINCE YOU WERE 10. Do it.

You’re Dating a Goy:

This may be the hardest. Your parents want you to marry a nice Jewish boy (NJB). But you had other plans. You fell in love with a beautiful non-Jewish person. Sure, you could drop them like a Lil’ Wayne beat and start dating NJBs through professional Jewish Matchmakers, your local synagogue, or Jewcier (obviously the best option, if you believe in marrying). Or you’re dating a Jewish rebel, someone your parents don’t approve of due to tattoos, dyed hair, piercing and an alternative lifestyle in some indie rock band.

Guess what! Now you don’t have to disappoint them. Don’t get married to them. Move in with them. Have children out of wedlock with them. But don’t conform to your parents’ views on love and marriage. None of your friends will care, as long as you make it clear you are committed to them. (May I suggest matching lower back Silver Jew tattoos?) See? Now you haven’t disappointed them! They have to accept you as the black sheep you are, and since you never said ‘I Do’, or whatever the Jewish version is (Is it ‘Do I?’), you’ve solved that problem of disappointing them no more than usual. Now if only you could find an affordable loft in Greenpoint…

Say ‘nay’ to marriage.