I would like to thank everyone who came to our site yesterday to give our servers a contact high. Although, most of you were not mellow, I can’t get the smell of skunk weed and incense out of my hard drive.
Yesterday, Chicky ranted about an issue he had with Longboarders in his city. I thought it was a little too light on the humor and that he didn’t go far enough in his rant, but ya’ll proved me wrong.
Please stay with me on this. I know most of you can’t read by your reactions to yesterday’s post, but please try to get through this one even if you have to sound out all the vowels.
You’re putting my kids through college
We had threatening comments, comments of support, and comments that compared disliking Longboarding to gassing jews in chambers. All and all it was a pretty good day. What many have failed to realize is that our blog is about satire, mainly through irony. An example of irony would be a bunch of people complaining that one shouldnt stereotype their subculture and then call another subculture a bunch of fags and stereotyping them. Oh wait….that’s hypocrisy. One of you Trolls telling someone else to stop trolling… Now that’s irony. So maybe you got us beat? But I think it’s time for me to be serious here.
Longboarders have many issues that bike riders have. You have careless riders that disobey the rules of the road. The fact that there are no rules makes everything even more tough. In Philadelphia, they wanted to fine bike riders for going over a 20 mph speed limit. They wanted license plates. They wanted $200 fines for wearing headphones while riding. Some of it might have been for good cause. But the root behind it was because bike riders were killing pedestrians because they blew through red lights. I have friends that have been hit by cars because they blew through red lights. Or hit because they were weaving through traffic. You can’t comprehend what it’s like to hit a 16 year old kid with your car. Mostly because none of you are old enough to drive. But your lack of realization about the issues of longboarding are jaw-dropping pathetic.
Is it true that the bigger, more expensive the board is, the smaller the penis?
There are similar issues with Longboarding. But your attitude towards these issues is not “how can we make longboarding culture better? How can we make sure that there are safety regulations and proper laws allowing for safe riding?” Your attitude is more anti-authoritarian. You hate people telling you that are doing things wrong and dangerously. Mostly because many of you are still in high school, waiting for your trust fund checks to arrive. But also because you refuse to realize there are issues. And until you open yourself up to these issues and discuss them, you’re all a bunch of pricks. Stating that “just a few people ride dangerously” is absolute bullshit. I know many longboarders. More than half of them have been hit by cars. To start suggesting such is crap.
Chicky’s story about why he hates longboarders was a personal story that many of you did not like. The people from Burlington who commented on the post all agreed that the longboarders there were the reckless ones on the road. People who longboarded in Burlington also agreed that most of them were over-privileged kids that didn’t know how to go down a hill. $50 says they took a cab back to the top every time too. But your ignorance blinded you from the fact that maybe your friends are not perfect. Maybe everyone in your subculture is not the best thing since hot cakes. Maybe you contain subcultures within your subculture that have no idea what they are doing and are giving you an awful name. But you’re never going to be open about it. And you’re never going to talk about it. Which would still makes you pricks or whiny bitches. You choose.
I have a story of my own. I had a roommate. He was a longboarder. He used to wake me up every morning by jumping on me and humping me. You know how many times he cock blocked me? That guy is a prick.
P.S. If you’re going to comment on a blog telling them that they are insensitive to your feelings I have two suggestions.
1) Grab a tissue and wipe your vagina.
2) Don’t start making anti-semitic / anti-hipster comments to prove we didn’t hurt your feelings.
IronyOnRye
04/06/2011
Dude, you didn’t insult them enough. We’re going to lose readership!
Jake Stewart
04/06/2011
I skate downhill, and I agreed with most of what he said in the article. Most of the people in the sport are assholes. It’s just that the hive of bees you stirred up consisted of the ones that try to stay responsible and respectful of the law.
If you want a little more insight into the whole affair, I would suggest watching the Laguna city council meetings on speedboarding restrictions.
A real DH Skater
04/06/2011
Unfortunately for you sir, you are looking at this from an outsiders perspective. Your analogy of expensive cars and skateboards really shows your ignorance in both subjects and truly illustrates your lack of knowledge for both auto racing and skateboard racing. Just like cars you have to spend more for higher performance, its as simple as that.
Your douche roommate was most likely a member of the massive longboard society. What you don’t know is there is a whole subculture of skateboarders who take pride in promoting a safe way to travel at excessive speeds down steep hills.
You see there are skaters who carve around the streets in their flip flops and sun glasses, without any safety equipment, and little regard for themselves or anyone else on the street. Then theres people like me who take this sport seriously and take all the necessary safety precautions. DO NOT make the mistake of lumping us into one category until you know a little more about our sport. You have a very warped view of longboards and I hope you do a little more research next time before making yourself look like a tool again.
Here this should get you started:
http://www.igsaworldcup.com
The Duckman
04/06/2011
You’re talking about my joke about big dicks being ignorant?
Out of everything I said, thats what you have to comment on?
You’re being defensive instead of open about it. It seems to be that no one wants to be meshed in with the Novice users, or “posers.” But, for safety concerns, you must acknowledge they exist and pose and issue. Whether YOU are a pro or not does not take away from the fact that people who use longboards, often use them in a hazardous way.
Making an argument like “Well Lance Armstrong doesn’t blow through red lights on his bike” will get you nowhere. Because for every Pro Longboarders, there are 100 guys putting themselves and other people in danger through reckless behavior.
No where am I calling for the shut down of the sport. I am calling for a discussion on how to make things more safe for the “posers” “novice” and “advanced” users. Along with pedestrians, bicyclists, and automobiles.
A real DH skater
04/07/2011
Your opinionated write up is FAR from a call for discussion.. It was a total attempt at bashing the entire longboard community before knowing anything about it.
I didn’t bother to comment on your original piece Duckman because it was filled with false facts and pure ignorance. Trying to make the argument that all longboards are rich college kids who don’t know how to stop is right on par with a statement like “Well Lance Armstrong doesn’t blow through red lights on his bike” which was not my frame of thought to begin with. You reek of contradiction.. I just refuse to stand by while you belittle us all and shove us into one category especially when you have no clue about what we do.
Chicky
04/07/2011
Besides for the fact I wrote the original piece, the Duckman’s point was that if it bothered you all so much, try to change the overall culture instead of whining/sending crude death threats. That’s great that there are many longboarders who are careful and take it seriously. Obviously if my opinions (and many other people’s) are what they are, then many other people have experienced otherwise. And as the Duckman was saying, if you don’t want to be lumped in with all the assholes, do something about it. Don’t sell them boards and let them be assholes. Give them some classes.
But as the Duckman also stated, if you had read instead of freaking out, you would know I was talking about boarders in Burlington Vermont. You would realize that I was using the Laguna article to talk about how it’s obviously an issue that goes beyond California, in one form or another. And you would understand what hyperbole is, i.e making outrageously broad stereotypes to classify one subgroup. And, once again, you’d have realized I was ranting about Burlington and not Everywhere USA.
I digress: This is a satire blog. I don’t care. None of us on the site do. We are obviously all skinny jean wearing hipsters who are apathetic about everything. We make fun of everything and anything.
This is my one comment.
The Duckman
04/07/2011
You clearly have yet to read either posts, So I’ve decided I dont have time to read your comment
Alex - Resident Goy Writer
04/06/2011
PLUS, you guys made HipsterJew.com extra-super slow for hours… How am I supposed to post to Read-A-Book if you guys are doing crazy shit like that?
Spence
04/09/2011
All the points you brought up are totally valid, but you centered them on too broad of a scope. I honestly have no idea what the situation is like in Burlington, a I live in Edmonton. In the longboarding community in Edmonton, we will literally yell at kids who don’t wear helmets.
On blind corners, we will have spotters who communicate whether or not the way is clear. We take every precaution in what we do. Now there ARE those “rich white kids” who buy setups that are on par with what actual pros ride, and they give our sport an extremely bad name. Most of us try to be friendly with pedestrians, because after all, one call and they could get us kicked out of a spot for at least a month.
We respect the police, because no matter who is “right” they have the ultimate decision. We have actually become friends with some of the Sheriffs and officers, and they let us session certain spots so long as we keep to ourselves and be mindful of others.
So basically, I definitely agree with all of the points you brought up, but I don’t think such harsh criticism is necessary until you actually know that a very small percentage of us are actually like that, we’re just not as noticeable as the dickhead longboarders because that’s our goal; to not be noticed.
The Duckman
04/09/2011
Longboarders have the same issues as most human fueled transportation. Some of us here drive, others walk, and more of us ride bikes. In the end, we criticize everyone and try to open them up to a world that they refuse to look at. I know bike riders that blow through red lights and get hit by cars only to say they had the right of way. It’s disgusting. But at the same time, you and your friends are doing everything correctly, there are still 10,000 more people not doing it correctly. And by ignoring them because they are “noobs” or “novice” or “posers,” will only make things worse.
I commend you for your comment and your work. We received very little of these. As you noticed, the rest of the comments we received proved whatever we said to be correct.
Spence
04/11/2011
Thanks man, cheers :)
Bob's your uncle
04/18/2011
I find it kind of strange that you’re willing to hate on longboarders based solely off of your own experiences yet you condemn those who make ignorant remarks. Yes, I know racism is real and dangerous, but to adopt a similarly prejudiced thought process concerning a subculture you barely understand doesn’t really jive either.
Every demographic, race, gender, social category, or what have you has those who taint their image. This includes Jews, longboarders, and especially internet bloggers.
The Duckman
04/19/2011
The people who I know that Longboard, and am good friends with do it for transportation reasons (there are no hills) and they too do not follow the rules of the road and get hit by cars.
I do not hate longboarders, but the majority have shown that they are immature jerks. The responses I get are “oh thats only the posers.” Well then teach them the proper rules.
Same shit goes for bike riders.
Anti-Hipster
05/10/2011
Seriously hipsters are attention whores at heart and this whole fiasco proves it…
Blocking the story and figuring it out would’ve been the right thing to do, but as you stated you liked the attention so STOP BITCHING because you should’ve expected the backlash.
Also terrible analogies… unrelated stories… and condescension does little for your argument. You’re bithcing at us because you were a prick, and now you’re bitching that we complained about it? What’s wrong with that picture?
Although I will agree with you that DH is a rich kid sport (especially at the proffesional degree) Even snowboarding is cheap in relation. And to be completely honest most people who skate Downhill and consider themself in the “progressive scene” were given a lot of “help” to get there.
So in some sense you are right…
Downhill skating or longboarding on a competitive level is for rich kids or people who live in the right area. …And you sure as hell don’t see companies taking the initiative to help less fortunate skaters even if they have the COMMITMENT or TALENT.
But fuck reality… Me and hundreds of other skaters ride because we love it and wouldn’t want to be doing anything else.
But with that point/rant aside, you aint got shit other than being a hipster attention whore who is probably not from the most humble beginnings anyways…
How about you shut the fuck up… delete this whole mess… and move on? Because there’s not much humor or satire except the hypocritical bitchings on both sides (which is actually midly entertaining)
Sources: Growing up poor as dirt, being a speedboarder, and having an eye for reality.
The Duckman
05/10/2011
Whats wrong with being an attention whore. you say it like its a bad thing… I think by coming on this site and harassing me, youre trying to be an attention whore too.
Romario
06/24/2011
I find it sad how you guys judge a person on the type of board they ride. Down here in South Florida most of the skateboarders are rich prick kids who do nothing but “disturb the peace” ’cause they saw it in games like Tony Hawk and shit. They smoke weed, take acid blotters, and listen to dubstep. I’m a po’ boy longboarder who enjoys the freedom of traveling the roads at night on my board. I never bother the old folks or scream curses at the police. I just mind my own, and most of my friends do the same. Plus none of us are rich, we all live in the hood. I had to sell most of my shit to buy my board.
OWMYVAGAREHURITNG
09/11/2011
lol this guys mad because a longboard is more impressive than a pocket protector. UMADBRO? ahaha……”i know im going to put out a flagrantly offensive opinion and call people trolls who respond…..im awesome” (self-proclaimed) FTW
OOBIDIGA
09/21/2012
I agree wholeheartedly with this article, and I’m a downhill skateboarder myself. I make it a point to teach people how to preserve the image of the sport (which is pretty piss-poor as you mentioned), and also preserve the spot itself from being blown out. Respecting pedestrians and staying in your lane are crucial. I think your statistic of 1 respectable skateboarder to 10,000 shitty ones is inaccurate. However, I’m sure the shitty ones outnumber the respectable ones, and that’s a huge problem when our sport requires the use of public roads. The sad reality is, I doubt there will be downhill skateboard parks that are both accessible and affordable.
a
10/03/2012
Just because one asshole you knew was a longboarder doesn’t mean anything. I am a longboarder, I am not a rich prick, and neither are the people I ride with. I am not denying that there are assholes out in the world, but one person that acts a certain way should not create a stereotype for people that you have never met. Also, as part of a longboarding community being careless and regarding safety is ridiculed, and looked down on. Honestly, get over yourself.