As one of the only ladiez in dis jawn, I have decided to bequeath upon our lady readers some tips for ladies. Items discussed will include fun tips such as: how to be mistaken for a lesbian, the best ways to eat your feelings, and what toothpaste is the best for hiding that drunken vomit smell. However, it may happen that after this lady tip, there is never another lady tip, because I have the attention span of a goldfish with a strong meth addiction and the term “lady tips” makes me slightly uncomfortable.
Your first lady tip is survival information on how to deal with a bathroom line at a major event like a play, or *sporting event, or Biebs concert.
Why doesn’t Mario just get the key? SURRIOUSLY.
Some people argue that the way to fight the bathroom line is to leave whatever you are attending 5 minutes early and rush to the bathroom to beat the lines. But let’s be real here, you just spent your precious dollars to attend this event. You better spend the whole damn time there.
No. The real way to handle this situation is to use the old guilt. Get to the back of the line, like a well-mannered young lady. Then proceed to hold your pee-maker and look up and down the line, your legs crossed, as you jump up and down slightly. Make sure to make eye contact with several women, your eyes glistening with fake tears. It’s best to whisper something to the person ahead of you like, “I forgot to pack a diaper this time” or “I usually don’t have trouble holding it in…but….” A constant whine under your breath can’t hurt.
People will eventually either feel pity or disgust for you and allow you and your petite bladder to hop ahead. Thus, you, mere mortal, have defeated the line.
And that’s a lady tip.
*I was shocked to find that a football match in the UK the women’s toilet line was 10 TIMES SHORTER than the men’s. It was a good day for America. Or the UK. Or whatever.