Oh Jew York. I love you. You never bring me down. But you are full of Jews.
Not the Seinfeld Jews. Oh no. Those golden years of Jewish New Yorkers being Jew-ish, or atleast not feeling paranoid to the point where they have to make their Jewishness exceptionally clear to everyone around them every second of every single day, may be coming to an end. Why? Because the Jewwiness of Jew York isn’t getting increased by pure sexual procreation or the influx of hipster Jews. Nay, this increase is due to the will and might of God, Hashem himself. The Hassidim are slowly taking over NYC, possibly controlling all 5 Boroughs by 2055, so BE PREPARED!
What does this mean for the average NYC Hipster and/or Jew? And how can you prepare? Here are a few helpful tips.
1) Don’t look women in the eyes.
Our Hassidic overlords do not appreciate women actively interacting outside of the home. They are on this earth to make lavish Shabbat dinners, to have sex with, and maybe to abuse (I said maybe, and it’s not my choice I have to do as the Hasidim do, so don’t get all defensive on me, sheesh). If you do happen to come across a female, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. They will take it that you want to mate with them, since female-male contact is severely limited. This will result in hefty fines and deportation to the Bronx. If you are a lady, just be prepared to get eye-fucked constantly by the Hassidic men whilst in NYC. Yeah, they’ll try to steal glances but it won’t work. You’re not stupid, you’re a 21st century woman.
2) Root for Republicans.
Hassidim generally vote Republican. Which is funny, because they’re all on welfare (well, enough of them). It turns out God doesn’t give you money and pay the bills just because you pray to him. (I think it was Jesus who once said, ‘God helps those who’…oh wait, I’m preaching to the wrong crowd.) So while NYC turns into a Republican city full of…um…really really rich people, really really poor people, and a robust police department which has the freedom to stop people and frisk them based on their skin color…damnit! IT’S TOO LATE!
3) Get all those weird Jewish holidays off from work.
Yes! Now when you go to NYU you won’t get Christmas break. Rather you will get Hanukah break, a weird tradition that exists solely in Israel. The date itself will change every year (until we get a Hasidic Rabbi into the White House), and you’ll get to visit your parents while all your other friends are studying for exams…so…have fun! Now just be prepared for Purim, where you can finally cross dress for one day a year without the Hasidic police getting angry at you. Isn’t repression exciting!
4) Baby-penis sucking (it’s okay to click this link) will now be legal, and required.
Just when you thought religious Jews would band together and overcome that whole ‘hiding pedophiles’ thing which has found it’s way into many Jewish circles (do we blame the internet for this or Jesus, my Hassidic overlords?!? Tell me! If I think for myself you’ll throw me in jail!), baby-penis sucking will be court mandated. And no, not just for circumcisions. Every day you will be required to find a baby. And if you don’t, well the Hassidic
baby-sucking police Rabbis will force you. Ew.
There you have it, New York City. Hipsters beware, or possibly just stay out of Hassidic parts of Brooklyn. Atleast by 2055. So sayeth Hashem. Amen.