I’ve compiled some conspiracy theories for Jack Lew’s nomination as yet another Jew in charge of the Treasury. Every good conspiracy theory starts on the internet – so why not start a couple Jew-hatin’ ones on this site?
In no particular order:
- Jack Lew refuses to hand over his birth certificate. This must mean he was born in Israel. I’m not sure if that’s against the rules of being the Secretary of the Treasury, but it sure as hell means Obama was born in Kenya.
- Yes, that also means the shekel will become our national currency.
- Jack Lew will have a direct feed to Bernie Madoff’s bank account.
- The Federal Reserve will be relocated to Sheldon Adelson’s and George Soros’s backyards.
- Jack Lew hides the trillion dollar coin underneath his yarmulkes
- Purim will be made a national holiday, and everyone will still ignore it.
- Gene Sperling, Jeffrey Zients, and Alan Krueger are currently all involved in national budgets and the economy. They, along with Lew, meet together once a month to rig the stock market, and also to rig the National Basketball Association.
- The dead faces on our bills and coinage will be replaced by famous Jewish politicians. Most notably: Henry Kissinger, Michael Bloomberg, Louis Brandeis, Alan Greespan, and Albert Einstein. Anthony Weiner will be on the penny, because fuck the penny. And maybe Ruth Ginsberg could be on the $1 coin because Americans hate female politicians and also fuck the $1 coin.
- Jack Lew will close down the Treasury on Shabbos. JACK LEW DOESN’T FUCKING ROLL ON THE SABBATH
Anything else I missed?