What are we doing on Purim? This holiday is supposed to be OUR Mardi Gras, man! There’s supposed to be boobs – and a shit ton of them! Instead we’re wasting away getting drunk around children. If I wanted to get drunk around children I’d show up at some little league games in the park with a 40 of Old E. We need to make Purim an adult holiday, one that can be enjoyed by men, women, and children with really really good fake IDs.
This is why I propose that every Purim, from now until the earth is destroyed in a nuclear holocaust/meteoroid armageddon, we go to the titty bars. Here me out, this is definitely sexist, but no more sexist than most Jewish interpretations of Megillah.
The story goes that Vashti was partying with her husband, the king, when he got hammered and asked Vashti to come out and parade her naked body in front of his friends, like a common whore. Vashti was all like ‘go fuck yourself’, and so she was killed. The moral of that story being that men are pigs.
Now you may be asking why this matters – and it matters because I just like to imagine that King Achashverosh was a pretty decent bro. And like most bros, he just loved his titties. Suuuuuuure he almost let Haman kill all the Jews. But did Haman succeed? No. So let’s throw the goy king a bone, and do something that he liked to do.*
Also, if Vashti had showed off her hoo-hah and her melons, she wouldn’t have been killed, Esther wouldn’t have been Queen, and all the Jews of Persia would have been murdered (if you believe the Megillah is FACT NOT FICTION). Therefore we must celebrate Vashti’s feminist ideals, being modest, by enjoying a pair of breasts that wont have the potential of causing a progrom.
Now I cannot go to the titty bars, as there are none in Vermont. Have no fears, Montreal is only a couple hours away! Here I come, poutine and poonany.
*Say what you will, Esther was not important to this sexist interpretation of Judaism.