Get your Kosher Concubine!

As it says in the Torah: And Tiger Woods took a Jewish Concubine, and So Shall You. So Sayeth The Lord. Amen.

A Rabbi recently decided that concubines are Kosher. Don’t worry, he’s not a crazy Mormon who goes willy nilly with the number of wives one can have. He is a reasonable man, and he keeps his mistresses to some important rules.

Rabbi Eliyahu Abergel wrote, “establishing a family is an important commandment. A woman who

1) refuses to, or
2) cannot, bring children into the world, and
3) refuses to grant her husband a divorce, is preventing him from building a family and spreading his seed [our emphasis]. In such a situation, the husband is permitted to
4) take a concubine and there is no constraint under halachah [Jewish law]. This ruling will enable husbands to fulfill the commandment of procreation, even if it means taking a regular mistress. The concubine may also live with the couple.”

Just so I get this clear. If a woman is barren or isn’t interested in having children (because heaven forbid a woman makes a decision about her uterus), her husband can cheat on her. He can then have children from said woman, AND if his barren wife is super obedient, his mistress can live in the house in a non-kinky-threeway agreement.

Also, if she refuses to give her husband a divorce, maybe on principle, because men are allowed to refuse their wives divorces, he can still cheat on her. When he returns to his frat Rabbi’s house, his Rabbi can be all like “nice move bro, way to totally ignore those skirts and show off your male dominance. Now let’s hire some hookers”.

I smell a reality TV series in the works! If only they believed in TV…

On a side note, if said religious Jew has spent too much time in a sauna (as Jewish men are wont to do), and his…er…manhood has been compromised, can the lady take a second husband? I would assume not because all religion eventually leads to female subjugation?

//FailedMessiah